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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 5:12:23 AM

Molly5323

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/17/2011
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Well I think you have a valid point. Being a sub I had to search for what I was looking for. It took a few hundred e mails. But a sub that will find you and actively look for someone will be more serious about the endeavor. I knew what I wanted and went out and got it. You should expect someone else to do the same.

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 21

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 1:55:22 PM

mythoclastic

Posts: 15
Joined: 12/19/2010
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I like being approached, for similar reasons as OP.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 22

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 6:50:07 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

Am I the only dom who hates being the one to approach subs? It isn't so much that I'm nervous or afraid of rejection, I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome.

I'm generally of the mind that aggressiveness should not always be confused with effectiveness or advantage when seeking something; I have noticed in life that it's best to shine bright like a star and see what is drawn to you, and there are of course a myriad different ways of doing this. I feel that in the theater of power and influence it's almost always best to let others come to you, so it would make sense that I don't feel too much different about this where it comes to M/s. While I may like what I see in the meat market of life, I'm quite aware that appearances and flashy gimmicks are little more than that. It was my realization that roughly 98% of self-described "slaves" and otherwise prurient novices were ill-suited for me. Separating the wheat from the chaff by running this way and that toward every mirage would be a waste of too much energy. My fastidiousness lead me to practice the tactics of the spider, and over time it only seemed fitting that a potential slave, having come to know me through personal ties or the breadcrumb trail of my online persona, should be willing to select herself for my approval with the first crucial step of moving toward me; it showed a certain boldness, humility and integrity that marked her as more engaged. My best slaves in life were all acquired this way.

I don't think it's a law written in stone that a dominant personality should always be the one who is approached; there is a pleasure in the hunt if you're on the trail of something unique and rare—something that is a perfect fit or promisingly malleable, but such opportunities don't come every day. I suppose one might say you can have a lot of fun while shopping around, but the controlled pleasures offered by gentle minds lost their appeal to me some time ago.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 23

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 8:30:32 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata
I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome.

Wait, what?

No, it doesn't.

Please explain why you think that, OP.

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(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 24

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 8:53:04 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I've never had to approach men, let alone doms and prefer it that way. I find it a complete turnoff to approach one myself. Call me traditional and old-fashioined but I prefer a man to approach and seduce me.

If I was still single, the moment I had to do the chasing is the moment I would rather stay single.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 25

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 9:37:59 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Mmmm.... I love it when you get all cerebral about my favorite topics.

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(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 26

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/14/2011 1:45:26 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Who really gives a goose fart in a thunderstorm as to which gender makes the first move! Bloody Nora, as long as naked Penis gets close enough to touch the naked vagina then something is bound to come (cum) out.....

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(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 27

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/14/2011 8:16:12 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I just had a thought.....

Wouldn't it be great if every twit had Palliata's way of addressing this approached way.....

Maybe the honorable thing to do to promote and establish this view point as the "one true way" of Dominance!!!! Think of all the people we would save!!!!!

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 28

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/14/2011 9:06:30 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Who really gives a goose fart in a thunderstorm

I can't be the only one who found this expression funny. Thanks, IB.

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(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 29

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/14/2011 9:20:15 AM

IronBear

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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My pleasure my friend.

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 30

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/14/2011 8:54:02 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome.

While it is a personal choice to contact first or wait to be contacted, I can honestly say the M/s relationships I have been in (my present and former) did not contend with your concern of a power dynamic being created upon introduction. There was nothing to "undo" in both cases. In fact, in the case of my relationship now, his approach and subsequent conversations only drew my interest, and eventually, my enslavement to him.

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(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 31

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/15/2011 10:37:12 PM

Palliata

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Joined: 8/9/2010
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Interesting perspectives all around. Not a lot to respond to, though as to my reasons I'm not sure how much closer to an explanation I can come – in my experience it has come out that things go more smoothly and effectively if, as someone said, a dom shines and sees what that light attracts, and my understanding of human nature tends to confirm my experience. If your experiences are different, that perhaps points to a difference between our perceptions or our approach. Certainly I make no claim to the perfect example of either.

The only thing which I would question the objective validity of is the idea that in the 21st century people are still thinking in terms of what men and women “should” do, least of all in a lifestyle which can't see typical through a telescope. Doesn't that strike you as terrifically sad?

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(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 32

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/16/2011 12:23:38 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata]
I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome.

I have to admit that my first reaction on reading these two sentences was "If you struggle to overcome the 'power dynamic' created by your being the first to contact then perhaps e-harmony would be a better place for you?" Seriously though - I don't see an ounce of "submission" in being the first to contact, and besides - when you first contact someone there is no D/s power dynamic - surely by contacting someone you're simply expressing a desire to find out whether the two of you are compatible enough for a D/s power dynamic to emerge?

Subs on this site are deluged with offers, and have a gazillion profiles to look at it shouldn't be surprising that they don't spend a lot of time writing unprompted emails (although I've had a few, and some of those were genuine too!).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata
In my experience it has come out that things go more smoothly and effectively if, as someone said, a dom shines and sees what that light attracts, and my understanding of human nature tends to confirm my experience.

Meh...I don't buy this for a second, and - with respect - I'd challenge your understanding of human nature on this. You simply can't tell enough from a profile (even it it is fantastically written - or especially if it's fantastically written) to determine whether the two of you are a good match. I think you're missing out on some really superb potential matches by insisting on letting your "light shine" rather than actively looking for people that might be a match.

At the first contact stage the question isn't "am I dom enough for you" it's "would it be worth seeing if we're right for eachother". I can't count the number of contacts that I've initiated that have ended with me saying "That's cool, well it looks like we're not right for eachother then, thanks for chatting and good luck".

_____________________________

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(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 33

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/18/2011 7:59:53 AM

roland23

Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

I prefer being approached. I spent decades doing all the hard work. Time for someone else to do it.

Maybe I'm just shy, lazy and old!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 34

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/18/2011 1:31:27 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome.

Personally I disagree totally with what you wrote above (looking at it from a submissives perspective). If you have found from past experience that a power dynamic has been created that has to be overcome later with submissives you have approached I would actually question whether there was any D/s connection with them rather than say this was a result of you having approached them. Maybe they just didn't feel that they could submit to you.

I have been approached and I have approached many dominants and the times where I did not feel submissive to them was not related to who approached whom but on them being a mismatch.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata
Do other doms think the way I do, or am I unique?

If you read the profiles of dominant's on here, a lot of them say they will not approach the s type and more often than not for similar reasons than you have indicated, so no, you are not unique in that respect. If I see that on a profile I actually pass it by as I am not interested in someone who has such a rigid belief.

I've been stalking wanders for months now and she wont give me the time of day. Ungrateful slut

BadOne

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Post #: 35

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/19/2011 7:59:24 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

I've been stalking wanders for months now and she wont give me the time of day. Ungrateful slut

BadOne

grins, pretty sure it has been longer than "months" SB. Careful or I will tell people that you actually have been known to smile once or twice!!!!

the horror, the horror

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Post #: 36

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/19/2011 9:48:31 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

Interesting perspectives all around. Not a lot to respond to, though as to my reasons I'm not sure how much closer to an explanation I can come – in my experience it has come out that things go more smoothly and effectively if, as someone said, a dom shines and sees what that light attracts, and my understanding of human nature tends to confirm my experience.

Greetings,

It doesn't take a lot of effort to shine in this realm. An individual with a reasonable command of language and good writing skills could appear quite intelligent in print. Add in a dose of personality and a dollop of self importance and you've got the makings of a dominant. The formula has been replicated ad nauseum.

I'd be more inclined to give weight to your argument if you spun it from its rightful perspective. It has nothing to do with a supposed assumption of authority (in text no less), and is directly related to a sense of entitlement you believe your role entails. And if you're entering with that perspective you'd better have a very delectable dish that's hard to resist. I encounter very few that can make that claim.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 37

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/19/2011 5:53:28 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Mmmm.... I love it when you get all cerebral about my favorite topics.

What? It's a pleasure to come home and read at the end of the day. Now if I could just find more time to actually log on nowadays...

_____________________________

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(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 38

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/19/2011 5:56:16 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

The only thing which I would question the objective validity of is the idea that in the 21st century people are still thinking in terms of what men and women “should” do, least of all in a lifestyle which can't see typical through a telescope. Doesn't that strike you as terrifically sad?

Yup. That's why I question people who making sweeping statements like

quote:

It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome.

I mean, it's just so crazy when people talk like that, like there are no exceptions and there is a set formula to all this that we should follow. Isn't it?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 39

RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/19/2011 6:10:38 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Who really gives a goose fart in a thunderstorm as to which gender makes the first move!

Point #1: GREAT FREAKING IMAGERY *laughs*
Point #2: I think I have an answer to that. The person who OUGHT to care is the person who has suddenly realized that they have something to gain/lose.

On this whole topic I'm going to go with... "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." idea.

Insofar as "positioning" at the beginning of the relationship, such things are only of concern if you feel the need to occupy some particular position. I don't really understand why I'd want to create some artificial power dynamic. In my world I meet some woman. She is either more dominant than me, less, or about the same. Reality is as it is... no positioning required.

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(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 40

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