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ORIGINAL: osf

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ORIGINAL: lally2

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ORIGINAL: osf

what is it about you that makes you seek a dominant, what is it he can fulfill in you that you cant yourself?

as with anyone wishing for a relationship - having someone there to share youre life with.  its no different here than anywhere else its just that here people assume so many things about submissives.  that they need leadership to function, that they need to be tied up and beaten to feel normal.  i think thats youre inferrance isnt it? - and yes those things factor in, theyre just not the engine that drives me anymore.

as ive said somewhere else, ive come right around to when i started in some ways.  the BDSM became a distraction for a while as was the dominance.  i was titilated by these things and set forth to find those things without really working on factoring in compatibility.

ive learnt the error of my ways.  but it was fun...  (mostly)

what does that poem say, in precis - the journey is the most important part if we are ever to reach our desired destination.

I don't think so much in the what, the why interests me more

If I can understand the why she wants, I can better judge weather I can get the what I want

and it is different here imo, just sharing can be done with most anyone with some similar interests for interest say collecting old beer cans

i keep hearing about the many faceted motivations but i still think there is deep down that one thing that starts it all in motion, that primal need and it's not even a fully formed thought

and it may not be immediately apparent in the other person

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ORIGINAL: lally2

i see where youre coming from.  but believe me he isnt my master and there is no confusion on that one at all.  maybe in the earlier years he had far too much control still because his methods of control had kept me subdued for so long i was conditioned to accept things because i couldnt change them.  leaving was physical but not immediately mental, that process has taken time, but im very definitely there now

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i certainly have and thanks to everyone for clearing the path for me to see things more clearly.  *happy's* post really made me think things through, as have youres. in the process of writing my responses it might seem i had the answers right there, i didnt, theyve evolved with this thread as ive taken a look at what everyone has said and thought them through.  i have come to the right conclusion thank you xx

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Getting the dominance/control/leadership you wish for is as much your responsibility as the doms.

agirl[/size][/font]

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ORIGINAL: oceanwynds2

Greetings lally
It is another slant on things, but perhaps you had originally submitted to an ideal regarding son and his father, more so than submitting to the 'father'. If this is the case, sometimes we need to redefine the ideal and set it right for us again. In submitting to an ideal, we need to go within to find our okay with our own strength to endure, verses the dominant factor telling us they appreciate what we are doing. Submitting to an ideal if looked through our everyday eyes can leave us feeling empty, instead we need to keep our eye/focus on the objective.

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ORIGINAL: agirl

You appear to be saying that you are *forced* to be a submissive to your ex for your son's sake, when in fact you're just tolerating and allowing a situation that you don't want, for your son's sake.

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

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ORIGINAL: lally2

KoM) Dominance in of itself has nothing to do with the submissives heart. However, "Ethical" Dominance will take great consideration to the heart of the submissive! It is the Manner or Character of the person that decides what will be involve in their own individuals expression of dominance... and not Dominance itself

ah!  - please explain to me why Dominance in of itself has nothing to do with the submissives heart.  im not even going to try and guess, but i find that sentance very refreshing actually, not sure why:) i do want to understand this...,

I suppose this boils down to how I define the word. I bring it down to a very basic concept. For me Dominance is nothing but the act of Dominanting and Influencing the will of others to your own. However, this doesn't state the "HOW" or the "WHY" it's done. The how it's done is often a reflection of a person's character. I believe the character of the person is often the KEY that enables one to unlock the submission of another. The values and ethics of the person is also going to affect the "WHY" or to what ends one is attempting to Dominant and influence another. Are they doing it for their own selfish ends that has little consideration for the feelings and thoughts of the other person... or to do they have more altrustic motivations.

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ORIGINAL: agirl

Also, not loving a sub doesn't mean they're not respected and appreciated for what they provide. I think it's a realistic situation and not at all dodgy....just as plenty of guys can provide control and various other things, for a girl ,without loving her. In fact, it's a far more prevalent situation than the LT M/s relationships.

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When it comes to breaking hearts, I have to be honest, if the *right* thing means breaking my heart then it should be broken.