RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please

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Nanako -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 11:44:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Right. And then we have the old adage of not making someone a priority who sees you as an option. Unless you have other options for if they let you down ^_^

subsfaith -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 1:37:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelwings2006 but i need more attention from Him.. You don't "need" more attention, you want more attention. There is a huge difference between the two. Understanding the difference between the two is the first step to fixing this situation. Also there is another point to consider.... what he wants.

JstAnotherSub -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 1:47:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subsfaith quote: ORIGINAL: angelwings2006 but i need more attention from Him.. You don't "need" more attention, you want more attention. There is a huge difference between the two. Understanding the difference between the two is the first step to fixing this situation. Also there is another point to consider.... what he wants. She may very well "need" the attention in order to be fulfilled. If he is not willing to give it, that is something that may indicate no chance of them making it, but I don't think it is fair to tell someone what they "need". My needs probably are not the same as yours, and that is ok. But that doesn't make either of us more right, just makes us different. To the OP....talking to him is the only way to get the answers you need, IMHO. There may be a compromise, or maybe there isn't, but better to find out it will not work out sooner than later, I think.

Nanako -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 2:11:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subsfaith quote: ORIGINAL: angelwings2006 but i need more attention from Him.. You don't "need" more attention, you want more attention. There is a huge difference between the two. Understanding the difference between the two is the first step to fixing this situation. Also there is another point to consider.... what he wants. Hi Miss I don't think anyone but herself is qualified to evaluate her needs. Attention from a partner is a need in most relationships. A need in a dynamic is generally defined as something without which, one or both partners will eventually end the relationship. The general priority should be as follows, imo: 1. The sub's needs 2. The dom's needs 3. The dom's wants 4. The sub's wants Needs come before wants, always.

daintydimples -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 7:17:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako The general priority should be as follows, imo: 1. The sub's needs 2. The dom's needs 3. The dom's wants 4. The sub's wants Needs come before wants, always. This is (IMHO) not about her needs. Everyone with half a clue knows a baby girl is needy, and needs a Daddy who has the time to pay her a certain amount of attention. This sounds like someone who got the baby and now realizes she comes with responsibility. Well, dang! Who knew? In all your personal relationships, please attempt to practice reciprocal commitment. What does this mean? Emotionally, only committ as much as the other person does. And don't base this on words, base it on deeds. Just my three cents tonight.

LadyPact -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 7:32:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako Hi Miss I don't think anyone but herself is qualified to evaluate her needs. Attention from a partner is a need in most relationships. A need in a dynamic is generally defined as something without which, one or both partners will eventually end the relationship. The general priority should be as follows, imo: 1. The sub's needs 2. The dom's needs 3. The dom's wants 4. The sub's wants Needs come before wants, always. We disagree. The highest priority would be the dynamic's needs. Those things that are necessary to the dynamic as a whole. One must ask themselves, what is a "need"? A "need" is something entirely different than a "want". Needs are necessary. Without them, there is no continuing life. The very life, hope, and existence can not survive without them. Wants are things we wish to have, but can survive without. We do not cease to live because of "wants". Many people can live without acquiring 'wants'. They are not necessary to the basic human condition. Wants are those things that make life worth living. They are our happiness, fulfillment, and joy. Without wants, we would still breathe in and out. The heart would still beat. We would still have brain function. We would still be beings with a consciousness. A heart. A soul. Everything else is to some extent, a want.

porcelaine -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 9:03:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelwings2006 im having a biig problem..i like attention, acually i crave touch. but my Daddy live 3 hours away from me, i have met Him once and i plan on spending the weekend with Him next weekend..but i need more attention from Him. Greetings, I don't think you're being honest with yourself based on the things you've shared. If attention is a high priority for you there must be a conscious understanding of the costs involved. Therefore, to have the level of contact you seek will demand certain alterations in your relationship or a willingness to compromise on your part if that isn't possible. Given the distance mentioned it would suggest that constant companionship isn't possible and his work schedule doesn't allow endless phone calls. You're left with an uncomfortable truth that must be thoroughly investigated to prevent further upset. In short, can you handle this? On the one hand, the situation is moving forward with rapidity that could lead to its unraveling, but that is of little consequence if the outcome silences your fears. You appear somewhat surprised by what you're feeling, but if you took a step back and recognized the elementary phase you've entered it would all make sense. You cannot allay the fear of abandonment because it exceeds your knowledge and trust in him. Add the personality component and other insecurities to the mix and it's an inevitable frazzle rock. Your choices are rather simple. You can address your feelings by acknowledging their root and recognize the particulars in the relationship are activating your triggers. By emphasizing his absence and your diminished feelings of worth you're ignoring the real issue and camouflaging it through other methods. Until the dynamic has reached the point where your belief in him exceeds your fears they'll continue to hang overhead. The other option is to take an honest assessment of the situation and determine if you can realistically function in the situation as it stands. Don't assume or craft fantastical ideas about things changing, focus on the here and now. If he cannot or will not allocate more time in your direction, what are you going to do? Although it would appear at first glance that you've been neglected, the greatest harm that's been done is the one you've heaped upon yourself. Your opening statement was telling, but I wonder if you were really listening? Needing attention doesn't equate to attaching oneself to an individual that's incapable of providing the thing we seek unless we intend to set it aside. In most instances this requires a compelling reason that exceeds the status quo. Can you honestly say that he's inspired that level of commitment from you thus far? When you recognize that you are your biggest advocate and stumbling block, you'll make decisions that mitigate the latter and increase the other option. Choose wisely. Best of luck. Namaste, ~porcelaine

MrRodgers -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 9:20:27 PM)
But Freddie Fuck paid eight cows for a skinny, hesitant, shy slave who walked with her shoulders hunched and her head down. Everyone in the neighborhood was amazed, nobody had ever paid more than four cows for any slave. A few months after the collaring Freddie's slave had transformed into a beautiful, poised, and confident slave. Freddie explained, "What matters most is what a slave thinks of herself. I wanted an eight-cow slave, and when I paid that for her, and treated her that way, she discovered she was worth every bit as much as any other slave in the neighborhood."

angelwings2006 -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 10:59:31 PM)
i really do appreciate everyones comments..its helped me out alot, ive realized that the problem doesnt lie within my relationship w/ Him ,it lies within me...something that i need to get ahold of and control in myself..i guess you could say i have had vanilla and none vanilla relationships issues where ive just been used and dumbed to the side,and i need to realize that i cannot judge E/everyone else on past relationships..that E/everyone is different..i need to get to that point within myself to be able to trust someone completely..and not have this doubt in the back of my mind that this One is gonna up and leave me to.. i need to do some serious soul searching..and try to control this demon in the back of my mind and be able to trust S/someone completely again.. again thanks to E/everyone you were seriously big help in realizing the faults in myself that need to be fixed before i go and blame my own problems on S/Someone else .... ~Hislilbrat~

sirssubk2008 -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 11:14:54 PM)
No disrespect intended for any of the earlier posts, but if we are to look at the whole definition of needs: "b : a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism" (websters dictionary) To me this would include the need for attention, however needs can be comprimised upon in order to lessen the severity of the need (IMO). In other words, while you have a need for a lot of attention, you also have to be able and willing to work on a compromise with your partner.

tazzygirl -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/16/2011 11:15:18 PM)
quote: He's just not that into you. Fabulous book! A must read!

Nanako -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 7:44:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact We disagree. The highest priority would be the dynamic's needs. Those things that are necessary to the dynamic as a whole. Hello miss, I disagree, but perhaps I don't understand what you mean. If the sub is sick, they -need- rest, and medical attention. Any dominant with an ounce of humanity will put aside all thoughts of punishment, sex, work, and service, until they're sure the sub is safe and well. Would you force your subs to continue serving as normal, and not attend the funeral, if a close relative of theirs died? I'd consider dealing with grief to be a need as well. quote: One must ask themselves, what is a "need"? I think the definition listed below, of a need being something required for "wellbeing" of an organism, is more suitable than Yours. quote: A "need" is something entirely different than a "want". Needs are necessary. Without them, there is no continuing life. The very life, hope, and existence can not survive without them. Do you think a need is only what's necesary for survival? What kind of human would be considerd well, subsisting in a vegetative state being dripfed nourishment and water, in a reasonably heated room. That is all a human needs to survive, correct? But it would be a horrific existence, and I think things like human contact, regular exercise, mental stimulation, and emotional support, are needed to keep a person healthy quote: Wants are things we wish to have, but can survive without. We do not cease to live because of "wants". Many people can live without acquiring 'wants'. They are not necessary to the basic human condition. Wants are those things that make life worth living. They are our happiness, fulfillment, and joy. I disagree personally. I define wants as things we wish to have, but can be hcontent without. A sub who has a minor fetish for PVC, I would consider that fetish a want. But regular attention from the dominant, usually a need. I consider an acid test for wants and needs in a relationship: If you knew a person could not provide X, but was perfect for you in every other way, would you have gotten into a relationship with them? If the answer is no, it is a Need. Otherwise, want.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 8:13:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The highest priority would be the dynamic's needs. Those things that are necessary to the dynamic as a whole. i have to agree with LadyPact here -- if you think too much about individual needs, you destroy the relationship. in Nanako's list, the sub's needs are priority 1, followed by the Dom's needs, but i don't really understand that hierarchy. =p but beyond that, the relationship and its needs become more important because hopefully it was picked BECAUSE it attended to individual needs. a relationship is a combination of the two people in it, and so in that sense, the individual needs are important, but they also have to have some positive affect on the growth of the relationship -- otherwise, everyone's single. why get into a relationship dynamic with someone if you don't want to build the relationship? even in power exchange, there's a point where both partners' needs are equally as important, and there are times when the sub's needs are more important. but i think the needs of the relationship are more important than both, because the relationship should be expressing the needs of both in a healthy way.

porcelaine -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 9:09:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako If the sub is sick, they -need- rest, and medical attention. Any dominant with an ounce of humanity will put aside all thoughts of punishment, sex, work, and service, until they're sure the sub is safe and well. Greetings, I view your comments as very self motivated and I don't think that's necessarily bad. However, as one gains experience and depth in their relationships you move from the singular 'I' to the collective 'we' instead. As such, I look upon his decision to require rest as acting in the best interest of the dynamic rather than the humanistic perspective you've provided. It doesn't mean that he lacks empathy or that it isn't present in his decision making. But he isn't swayed to the degree where he consciously ignores its impact on us in deference to its benefits for the injured party. Both facets are accounted for. Namaste, ~porcelaine

Nanako -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 10:02:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako If the sub is sick, they -need- rest, and medical attention. Any dominant with an ounce of humanity will put aside all thoughts of punishment, sex, work, and service, until they're sure the sub is safe and well. Greetings, I view your comments as very self motivated and I don't think that's necessarily bad. However, as one gains experience and depth in their relationships you move from the singular 'I' to the collective 'we' instead. As such, I look upon his decision to require rest as acting in the best interest of the dynamic rather than the humanistic perspective you've provided. It doesn't mean that he lacks empathy or that it isn't present in his decision making. But he isn't swayed to the degree where he consciously ignores its impact on us in deference to its benefits for the injured party. Both facets are accounted for. Namaste, ~porcelaine Greetings to you too ^_^ I'm not trying to be self motivated here, but perhaps you read me better than myself. I personally wouldn't want a dom who demanded unreasonable service of me when I were sick or injured. :/ i don't understand your comments about using i/we. i is used to refer to oneself, we when speaking on behalf of oneself and an indeterminate number of others. I interpreted LadyPact's use of "we" as expressing an opinion she and clip share. Are you telling me it's something else? Maybe that's what you're saying and I read it wrong. I'm not speaking on behalf of my dominant(s) because our relationship is barely starting, and because they're not following this discussion, so I used "I" to express my own views on a matter.^^ I can see what you mean about the wellness being in the best interests of the dynamic, but it doesn't disprove anything. Merely presents another "right" answer. But what about when the interests of the sub and the dynamic disagree. For example, if the sub wishes to end it and leave. I think allowing the sub to follow their heart would be a better option than imprisoning them to maintain the submission. I see a relationship, any relationship, as two people trying to make themselves and each other mutually happy. I see needs as the things both parties require to not have physical or emotional breakdown, and beyond that the wants of the dominant come first. IUf what the dominant wants is to give the sub what they want, good for them.

tazzygirl -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 11:50:31 AM)
quote: I can see what you mean about the wellness being in the best interests of the dynamic, but it doesn't disprove anything. Merely presents another "right" answer. But what about when the interests of the sub and the dynamic disagree. For example, if the sub wishes to end it and leave. I think allowing the sub to follow their heart would be a better option than imprisoning them to maintain the submission. I think of the we dynamic overriding the me dynamic in this way. I am sick... i really should be in bed. But, without my income, our bills wont be paid. Then the we dynamic kicks in, I get up out of bed and go to work. Thus, the me need takes a backseat to the we needs. If a sub wants out, there is no longer an "us" or a "we" to consider. There is no relationship. The Dom, at that point, isnt obligated to put anyone's needs above his own... nor is the submissive.

subsfaith -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 11:56:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub She may very well "need" the attention in order to be fulfilled. If he is not willing to give it, that is something that may indicate no chance of them making it, but I don't think it is fair to tell someone what they "need". My needs probably are not the same as yours, and that is ok. But that doesn't make either of us more right, just makes us different. As someone else so nicely pointed out, a need is essential to life.... and that definition spans the human race regardless of culture. With that in mind I am quite happy pointing out that what the OP wants is more attention, and that isn't a need. I have studied people for a very long time and have yet to discover anyone who genuinely negates human nature. quote: ORIGINAL: sirssubk2008 No disrespect intended for any of the earlier posts, but if we are to look at the whole definition of needs: "b : a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism" (websters dictionary) And no disrespect to the OP, but if not getting that attention from her daddy is going to cause her physiological or psychological damage, she doesn't need attention at all - she needs professional help. quote: ORIGINAL: angelwings2006 i have had vanilla and none vanilla relationships issues where ive just been used and dumbed to the side,and i need to realize that i cannot judge E/everyone else on past relationships. No, you are right, to beat a man with an emotional stick because your ex was a dick wouldn't be fair. Now it is time for you deal with those issues, to learn from your past mistakes and move on with your life. quote: ORIGINAL: angelwings2006 i need to do some serious soul searching..and try to control this demon in the back of my mind and be able to trust S/someone completely again.. For some people you will never be the one, just as I am sure you have dated people that were never going to be your 'one'. And there is nothing stopping someone just leaving. However, we can alter our chances. One way is to make better choices. One way of making a better choice is taking more time to consider your options, to spend time getting to know a person better before making any kind of commitment. Another way is to be more honest with yourself and deal with your issues rather than carrying them around with you. There are loads of options for you... Being able to trust someone begins with trusting your own decision to trust them. If you think someone is potentially going to leave you, you gotta ask yourself why did you get so involved in the first place. How could you have done things differently? And that is perhaps the best question you can ever ask yourself when reflecting and soul searching, "how could I have done things differently?" When you look back in time it is easy to see how you could have done things differently, and how that different choice could have changed a situation. If you practice this, it may help you to be more considered for future decisions and not just jump straight in whilst disregarding your issues. Good luck and feel free to message me if you wish... Faith :: smiles ::

DesFIP -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 12:35:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact We disagree. The highest priority would be the dynamic's needs. Those things that are necessary to the dynamic as a whole. Without wants, we would still breathe in and out. The heart would still beat. We would still have brain function. We would still be beings with a consciousness. A heart. A soul. Everything else is to some extent, a want. I'd word it 'the relationship's needs' myself, but yes you are, like usual, right on target here. I may have wants which don't determine if I live or die, but whether or not they get fulfilled will determine if I stay in the relationship. I'm not willing to be unhappy for the rest of my life. If my choice is being happy alone or unhappy with someone, I know which I will pick.

NuevaVida -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 4:12:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako But what about when the interests of the sub and the dynamic disagree. Interesting question. And we can conversely ask, what about when the interest of the dominant and the dynamic disagree? However, to me, "dynamic" represents the structure of our relationship. My owner and I put the interest of the relationship first. The dynamic simply means he's in charge and I submit to that. Given that he is naturally dominant over me and I am naturally submissive to him, and that is the relationship dynamic best suited for us, if my interests disagreed with our dynamic, that would mean I was no longer submissive to him, and that our dynamic was no longer effective for us. But I'm not sure if that's what you're asking. He and I find our best fulfillment when the relationship is thriving. We seek a healthy, honest relationship in which both of our overall needs are being met, knowing - reality being what it is - sometimes what one of us wants or needs might have to take a back seat for what is best for the relationship, overall. This relationship brings us joy. Sacrificing it for one of the individuals within it isn't something we want to do. And sometimes, the health of relationship requires that my needs get met while his waits. And vice versa. It is best for our relationship if we are both healthy, so if I'm sick, he's not going to have me go out and shovel snow (well, he's not going to anyway because it doesn't snow here, but you get my point). But if I have just a head cold and important banking needs to be taken care of that he can't get to, then he's going to want me to go do it. There's no black & white here. But he's the guy in charge and it's his desire to make sure our overall relationship needs are being met, because THAT is what is going to meet our individual needs by default. quote: I see a relationship, any relationship, as two people trying to make themselves and each other mutually happy. I see needs as the things both parties require to not have physical or emotional breakdown, and beyond that the wants of the dominant come first. IUf what the dominant wants is to give the sub what they want, good for them. This is where we differ. My owner and I see the needs of the relationship as that which will let us thrive. When the relationship thrives, we thrive within it. He's not interested in simply maintaining that I don't have a breakdown. He loves to see me bubbling with happiness, and laughing, and dancing around the house as I cook him dinner, and sashaying around him flirtingly, etc. And he knows when I'm thriving in the relationship, he's going to get that. And when I'm THAT happy, well I'll eat out of his hand, whatever he wants to feed me, because he becomes my world. And when I give him that, he is served the way he wants to be served, and he thrives, too.

mketom -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 5:53:48 PM)
Trust is a huge factor in this scene, It takes many e-mails Phone calls and even a couple of meeting face to face in a public place One it gets both of you some face time It's hard to read reaction from e-mails But face time get this done real well It also willlet you know if he is the one fro you and vice versa. It takes time Sir Tom

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