RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please

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leadership527 -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 6:22:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako But what about when the interests of the sub and the dynamic disagree. The interests of my dynamic? My dynamic is a thing. It has no interests. It has no goal. It exists entirely as a reflection of Carol and I. It isn't possible for Carol's interests and the interest of the dynamic to conflict. I'm struggling to understand why I'd make a "dynamic" in which that was possible. I give Carol commands. Some of them she dislikes. That's not a conflict of interests between her, me, and our dynamic. It's real life. Sometimes you just have to do stuff you don't want to. Whether I'm telling Carol what to do or she's doing it for herself, SOMEONE is going to be telling her to do shit she doesn't want to. Not surprisingly, I see it much like Nueva: This is where we differ. My owner and I see the needs of the relationship as that which will let us thrive. When the relationship thrives, we thrive within it. He's not interested in simply maintaining that I don't have a breakdown. He loves to see me bubbling with happiness, and laughing, and dancing around the house as I cook him dinner, and sashaying around him flirtingly, etc. And he knows when I'm thriving in the relationship, he's going to get that. And when I'm THAT happy, well I'll eat out of his hand, whatever he wants to feed me, because he becomes my world. And when I give him that, he is served the way he wants to be served, and he thrives, too. At some point, when you go down that path far enough, you realize that it's no longer even relevant to talk about his needs and her needs as if they were separate things. They aren't. It's all just "our needs" and "our wants". I cannot have what I need or want without Carol happiness because a large part of what I need and want is exactly her happiness. The same thing is true in reverse.

mrsexxychocolate -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 6:57:25 PM)
I tried to get through all the posts but honestly since I'm only gonna respond to the original.. I'll start now. Personally I feel like starting relationships are or should be easy.. NO pressure should be on either and without actually meeting a it will take time to know if both are suitable for each other. Most experienced men rather in this lifestyle or not are not gonna be all gung ho about a needy woman, unless they want a needy woman. He has a life as well as you should and waiting around on each other should not be the main priority.. I forget how long you have had your online relationship but all that can be discussed online are possibilities. I'm an honest person and been duped by many women for trying to trust their words. Not to bash my own kind but sadly most men are hunters and want girls in numbers and will tell them anything to string them along on their time. The internet is vast and most people aren't who they say they are. This could be used to your advantage honestly because you are an attractive girl so mingle!! I personally am without a sub but get many saying they wanna be. 95% is straight bs and usually it isn't even a real woman. Being I work online I'm used to the fake profiles and pick up on bs rather quickly but that's off the subject. Bottom line is take a step back. You may not even like the guy once you meet him so take your time with it. Just like there's always another sub there will always be another Dom. You say ya had three in the past so I'm sure you are aware of this fact. You will be fine. You are good enough and hey I'm actually tired of guys that take advantage of low self esteemed women. Work on you and whoever you choose to be submissive to will most likely treat you exactly how you want to be treated!

porcelaine -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/17/2011 9:22:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako i don't understand your comments about using i/we. i is used to refer to oneself, we when speaking on behalf of oneself and an indeterminate number of others. I interpreted LadyPact's use of "we" as expressing an opinion she and clip share. Are you telling me it's something else? Maybe that's what you're saying and I read it wrong. I'm not speaking on behalf of my dominant(s) because our relationship is barely starting, and because they're not following this discussion, so I used "I" to express my own views on a matter.^^ Greetings, The perspective noted is one I utilize in my relationships, notably those involving a power exchange. As a slave, it is impossible for me to be singularly focused on having my needs accounted for when my existence within the partnership is directed and determined by the other party. It's inevitable that my desires will run counter to his and to expect him to acquiesce to appease (me) is quite unthinkable. My commitment to the relationship and our collective betterment reigns supreme. Whether this involves sacrifice on either end is of no consequence if the union is made better because of it. quote: But what about when the interests of the sub and the dynamic disagree. For example, if the sub wishes to end it and leave. I think allowing the sub to follow their heart would be a better option than imprisoning them to maintain the submission. I don't view disagreements as a negative occurrence, but an opportunity for realignment on my end. After all, the premise behind our relations is my willingly subjugation to his authority. It would seem foolhardy to place myself within the company of a man who's leadership I found unsound or unable to adhere to. In terms of the latter question, I view my station as an irrevocable commitment. The ruminations you've included don't resonate with me. I'm rather fixed in that capacity. I need to stay put. quote: I see needs as the things both parties require to not have physical or emotional breakdown, and beyond that the wants of the dominant come first. IUf what the dominant wants is to give the sub what they want, good for them. I'm certain that line of thought works well for you, but it isn't something I can corroborate. I sincerely believe in adhering to the structure I've agreed to. He is king in good times and bad. And even in those moments when I don't receive what I wish, I know he has my best interests at heart. That doesn't entail giving in to my whims. A responsible leader knows the value of no and I wouldn't want that withheld to pacify my ego. Namaste, ~porcelaine

Nanako -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/18/2011 10:19:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako i don't understand your comments about using i/we. i is used to refer to oneself, we when speaking on behalf of oneself and an indeterminate number of others. I interpreted LadyPact's use of "we" as expressing an opinion she and clip share. Are you telling me it's something else? Maybe that's what you're saying and I read it wrong. I'm not speaking on behalf of my dominant(s) because our relationship is barely starting, and because they're not following this discussion, so I used "I" to express my own views on a matter.^^ Greetings, The perspective noted is one I utilize in my relationships, notably those involving a power exchange. As a slave, it is impossible for me to be singularly focused on having my needs accounted for when my existence within the partnership is directed and determined by the other party. Haii ^^ I know, I meant it's HIS responsibility to make sure your needs are met. If you're exclusively focused on him, then would you not agree that he has taken on responsibility of care for you ? I believe your needs in the relationship should be outlined before it begins, and the responsibility falls to him to ensure they are met. quote: It's inevitable that my desires will run counter to his and to expect him to acquiesce to appease (me) is quite unthinkable. My commitment to the relationship and our collective betterment reigns supreme. Whether this involves sacrifice on either end is of no consequence if the union is made better because of it. Desires and appeasement are a different matter altogether. With needs I talk about the things that are necessary for you to serve at your best, like being well and sane. When it comes to desires, certainly his come first. quote: quote: IUf what the dominant wants is to give the sub what they want, good for them. I'm certain that line of thought works well for you, but it isn't something I can corroborate. I sincerely believe in adhering to the structure I've agreed to. He is king in good times and bad. I don't see how we're disagreeing here. Would he expect oral sex from you when you have flu and can barely breathe? Would he expect you to run around the house doing chores with a broken leg? Certainly he is king in bad times too, but reality won't warp to his demands, and sometimes you may not be able to serve as well as usual. To expect it of you at those times would not be good. quote: And even in those moments when I don't receive what I wish, I know he has my best interests at heart. I agree. I've never said that the sub should get what they wish. Only what they need. quote: That doesn't entail giving in to my whims. A responsible leader knows the value of no and I wouldn't want that withheld to pacify my ego. Of course not. I've never said that, sorry if you interpreted it that way. What I said was (with the typo corrected) quote: If what the dominant wants is to give the sub what they want, good for them. What I mean here is that the dominant giving you what you want doesn't make him any less in control. A good leader should know the value of yes too, and should not feel obligated to say no every time just to assert some kind of macho authority. Sometimes a dominant enjoys making the sub happy, and when that is the case, the sub is serving, simply by accepting that generosity and being happy. What he wants comes before what you want. But if, at any given time, what he wants is to give you something you want, (perhaps a gift, or satisfying a fantasy) then he's still getting what he wants.

porcelaine -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/18/2011 2:26:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nanako I know, I meant it's HIS responsibility to make sure your needs are met. If you're exclusively focused on him, then would you not agree that he has taken on responsibility of care for you ? I believe your needs in the relationship should be outlined before it begins, and the responsibility falls to him to ensure they are met. Greetings, I understand what you're suggesting but I find myself shaking my head. Life rarely lines up that neat and tidy and things have a way of changing. Therefore, I'm more inclined to make certain that both parties are focused on strengthening the dynamic and making adjustments when necessary. I consider the outline mentioned an ideal, putting that into practice is another thing. I'm not that regimented and I believe adaptability is an important aspect of slavery. I trust he'll do his job, but how he goes about it is his decision. quote: With needs I talk about the things that are necessary for you to serve at your best, like being well and sane. When it comes to desires, certainly his come first. My well being is our responsibility. I don't relinquish it on the kneel. In terms of service, that is not dependent on the factors mentioned. I may choose to accept its influence and allow it to inspire a particular response, but it done as an extension of my role not because my needs are met. I suspect I have a hard time with your philosophy because I cannot fathom being involved with someone that had no concern for my welfare. Therefore, what you're articulating is understood and implied in our interactions. He needn't spell it out. quote: Would he expect oral sex from you when you have flu and can barely breathe? Would he expect you to run around the house doing chores with a broken leg? Certainly he is king in bad times too, but reality won't warp to his demands, and sometimes you may not be able to serve as well as usual. To expect it of you at those times would not be good. I think this is where our disconnection is occurring. You define service as an act of service, whereas it is merely my constitution. Everything I do is a service to and for him. Period. And what if he did make a request along the lines you've stated? I've done many things when I wasn't up to par because my responsibilities required their completion. In respect to the reality mentioned, I'm not that emancipated. And for the record I don't entertain ideas like these because they're unfathomable and very destructive to ones mindset. Imagining a relentless stream of possibilities that have little probability of occurring as proof of what should or should not take place in my dynamic is fruitless and reveals an inherent lack of trust in the Keeper. quote: What I mean here is that the dominant giving you what you want doesn't make him any less in control. A good leader should know the value of yes too, and should not feel obligated to say no every time just to assert some kind of macho authority. Sometimes a dominant enjoys making the sub happy, and when that is the case, the sub is serving, simply by accepting that generosity and being happy. I derive joy from many things. One of the largest is knowing and embracing his concept of what that entails. I have a well defined understanding of leadership and quite a bit of experience too. As such, the individual in that position will exemplify a positive example of the subject and it isn't something I need to reinforce. It is because he is. The behaviors you're describing are of no concern because I wouldn't align myself to a dominant with that temperament. This doesn't suggest it's errant, but merely a manner of relating that I have no interest in exploring. quote: What he wants comes before what you want. But if, at any given time, what he wants is to give you something you want, (perhaps a gift, or satisfying a fantasy) then he's still getting what he wants. In my opinion slavery doesn't imply that the things I want are never supplied. Nor am I of the belief that acts of kindness or other manifestations of goodness are inappropriate. I don't abhor his generosity. I merely refuse to direct its current. Namaste, ~porcelaine

NuevaVida -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/18/2011 3:03:55 PM)
quote: What he wants comes before what you want. But if, at any given time, what he wants is to give you something you want, (perhaps a gift, or satisfying a fantasy) then he's still getting what he wants. We don't subscribe to this. He often puts what we wants on hold for what I want, when he feels it will benefit the relationship in the long run to do so. He has gone out of his way to do things he'd really prefer not to do, in fact, for the overall good of our future. Please do not presume to speak for others' relationships. What happens in yours is not universal.

DevilishEnvy -> RE: i need more attention! :( Advice please (2/23/2011 3:54:26 PM)
i agree with pretty much everyone. communication is the key to any type of relationship. try writing a long list and asking when he can go over it with you on the phone. then you could note what he wants too and what needs he can meet of yours. good luck.

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