sockit2me
Posts: 4
Joined: 2/17/2011
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It seems to me that dominance and submission are just parts of a relationship. Either one can be cultivated to be or recognized as a predisposition. A typical modern relationship is expected to be roughly equal, with perhaps there being areas where one person controls more and the other gives in more, but equality is the general ideal. Historically relationships have not been so equal and so we have a wealth of cultural rituals and expectations for being either dominant or submissive as the case may be. By identifying as one or the other the person can know more clearly how to conduct their relationship; it erases confusion and makes negotiation unnecessary Beyond this simplifying clarity, having only one main component to your attitude also allows its expression to become the avenue of freedom for any of your needs and kinks that do not fit neatly into normal relationships. You can sort of get away with anything as long as you classify it as belonging to your form of domination or submission, since you have already crossed the kink threshold. The essence of it is perhaps as simple as freedom to be yourself, even if that takes some amount of posturing as a dominant or a submissive. People have desires, appetites, needs, and respond to stimulation. People can arrange relationships which include the kinds of intimate interactions whereby longings are intensified and satisfied. BDSM is in one sense a playground with rules that allow for naming yourself as this or that, then playing well together in ways not usually expected or allowed.
The essence of need is based in how life is. Need is what gets people to eat, breathe, sleep, have sex, and any number of things. People are walking collections of needs. Those needs need to be addressed and met somehow. Kink is somehow, for some of those needs. The craving is universal and the kink is one of its forms. Kink is good because it provides for an initial acceptance generally that something strange is being discussed, and so then when you get to the specific details you already know you won't be rejected just for being kinky; it depends on what kind of kink. You're already a step ahead of normal society where just being kinky is sometimes too much. let alone what kink it is. I think that people learn by accident that when you seek out others who like kink you gain the advantage of being acceptable at least initially, and have the vocabulary to discuss and negotiate for your needs whatever they may be, no matter how strange according to the prevailing culture. In the counterculture of kink half the battle is won just by showing up. Kinky people give one another at least that. Then, if you do happen to manage some rewarding experiences you adopt the labels and return for more. You found a way to meet some of your needs. You ran the maze and found the cheese.
It's a neat psychological trick about sexual behavior that when it gets labeled as bad or weird you can then go looking for it by the same label. You can look for places where bad and weird sex is made much of. You'll find others who got there by the same route, in search of the same kind of thing. They want sex, and sex was said to be just a narrow range of sex acts, but turned out to be a lot more, only the "more" was called strange or kinky, so if you happen to want more you end up with people who call themselves kinky. If sex was just accepted broadly in all its variations by the general population nothing would be kinky and you wouldn't have places like this, or any special allure and excitement operating in the sexual underground.
Whether dominance or submission end sup being your thing probably goes back to something that you tried and that worked, and may involve feelings you had very early on, when as a child no relationship you had with an adult was equal. As children we are submissive to our parents. That program is built in. Then as we mature we emerge from submission and establish some measure of dominance even if only to assert ourselves as individuals. I think people use what they find works and are prone to wanting what left a deep impression.
I have a great ability to submit but I also have an equally great capacity to dominate. I like submitting more because dominating women is too much work. In myself I can see how the extremes of polarizing one affect or the other make possible relationships that welcome freedom of expression while relieving the pair of the dreary chore of having to constantly maintain a roughly equal footing, which is an unnatural ideal to begin with. Men are dominant. That's life. For a woman to dominate a man she has to be exceptionally assertive and self-possessed. Those are qualities that in women turn me on. Since it turns me on, I like submitting. The essence of that is a constant state of arousal, which in turn is an ever present sense of intimacy. That connection is emotionally delicious.
< Message edited by sockit2me -- 2/21/2011 8:36:19 AM >
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RE: That deep-seated kinky "essence" - 
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