Why a Mistress? (Full Version)

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golemx -> Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:14:24 PM)

Okay, I'm just asking to make conversation, no insult intended here.

I'm a male dom, and that seems comfortable and normal for me. So obviously female doms are abnormal, right? [:D]

Seriously, I'm wondering how a female, which we normally associate with submissiveness, finds a dominant within herself. It seems to me that this might even be harder than admitting submissiveness for a woman.

I can barely explain what draws me, so I know this is a complicated question...



subtlebutterfly -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:16:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: golemx

Seriously, I'm wondering how a female, which we normally associate with submissiveness, finds a dominant within herself.


This is a sexist and ignorant viewpoint stemming from the old age. However, there are plenty of very powerful women in history. They're just not often mentioned. The dudes were the one that went chopping a guy and another and all masculine yaddayadda. Women use their power in a different way, they often used their power to mental manipulation. It doesn't make as much of a show, but the power was always there nevertheless.

In nature there are alpha males, there are beta males, submissive males..same as with women. You need to separate power from the standard gender image and then you will see that the power has been on both sides throughout history. Power simply comes in different forms and while men used and relied on their physical strength, women used their minds and witchcraft.



Lockit -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:18:24 PM)

We don't associate submissiveness with womanhood. You do. It is only strange to those that cannot see another persons point of view.

Basically, there are Alpha's of all genders and men just tried to tell us we weren't Alpha's... sometimes because they viewed us as a threat to their Alpha status.

It comes just as naturally to us as it does to you.



golemx -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:26:11 PM)

Thanks... Again, I want to reiterate I wasn't intending to pigeonhole anyone. I love nothing more than woman who knows herself and feels empowered to act on her instincts, no matter what they may be. Actually, I want that for everyone. Sorry if it came off as sexist.

So the secondary question is, was that a difficult path to tread? I imagine male submissives also have conflicts with societal expectations. Do they? I guess I simply don't find men as interesting...



Lockit -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:32:14 PM)

It can be challenging, filled with mixed messages and such. However, you just can't tame the dominant within and sooner or later know it isn't a battle worth the risks of losing yourself. Once you get passed that hurdle, it isn't difficult to set people straight. Not at all. lol You just don't feel or think you shouldn't anymore. It is rather freeing.

What is really funny is long ago and far away, I was in charge of many men... some just didn't like that. I enjoyed it very much because I proved I didn't have to be a bitch, but I sure wouldn't tolerate their attitudes. You don't want to work for a woman, there's the door. I can go find women and single parents to replace you and pay them the big money I am paying you. Two left. The rest came to love me.

It isn't always how people or society looks at a thing, but how you respond to it.



subtlebutterfly -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:33:21 PM)

I'm sure plenty of men struggle about being submissive. There was a thread few days ago where a male submissive wanted to know how to cure submissiveness.

I suppose it's more about the mindset, it takes strength in deciding to submit to somebody. Also, nobody says submissives cannot be dominant in their professional life and everywhere but behind closed doors with their dominant.



strangedesire -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:43:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: golemx

I'm a male dom, and that seems comfortable and normal for me.



I'm a female dom, and that's comfortable and normal for me.

quote:


So obviously female doms are abnormal, right? [:D]



Do generally find that calling people abnormal makes them open up to you? I don't mean this in an aggressive way, I just can't imagine that it would be a useful strategy.

quote:


I'm wondering how a female, which we normally associate with submissiveness, finds a dominant within herself. It seems to me that this might even be harder than admitting submissiveness for a woman.



How did you find the dominant within yourself? It might be a similar process.

Society frowns on men verbally humiliating women - more strongly, in fact, than it frowns on women taking control in their romantic relationships. How do you manage it?

quote:


I can barely explain what draws me, so I know this is a complicated question...


That might be a good place to start. How can you understand other people if you don't try to understand yourself?



DesFIP -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:50:00 PM)

The boss of an elephant herd is female. Horses have a boss stallion and a lead mare, their jobs do not overlap.
Sheep are led by females.

Why couldn't a woman be dominant, be a great leader? Because you prefer to associate with nondominant women, you've made the classic mistake of assuming that what you see is all that is there. It isn't.



Lockit -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:53:10 PM)

Please don't mention elephants... mnottertail is on the mistress board! He might get idea's! [:)]



ThePeripatetic -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:55:00 PM)

quote:

So the secondary question is, was that a difficult path to tread? I imagine male submissives also have conflicts with societal expectations. Do they? I guess I simply don't find men as interesting...


Quick answer: Yeah, it can be tough coming to grips with submission as a guy in terms of what society expects and tells us. Guess I'm still learning how to ignore all that and find my own path but I've gotten pretty good at saying fuck it, you can't tell me what it means to be me. Basically I've learned I don't need to constantly beat on my chest and enter pissing contests to reaffirm my "masculinity". I've become pretty confident and stable in who I am. But I definitely had a number of years where it wasn't so easy or cut-and-dry.



golemx -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 1:58:37 PM)

quote:

Do generally find that calling people abnormal makes them open up to you? I don't mean this in an aggressive way, I just can't imagine that it would be a useful strategy.

The smiley intended to indicate that I understood the irony of someone with an abnormal instinct questioning someone else's instincts. I really didn't mean to come off in a negative fashion and respect everyone's choices.
quote:

That might be a good place to start. How can you understand other people if you don't try to understand yourself?

I've found that conversing with others often helps me learn about myself. My ideas do not exist in a vacuum.
quote:

Society frowns on men verbally humiliating women - more strongly, in fact, than it frowns on women taking control in their romantic relationships. How do you manage it?

Actually, that's an excellent insight. My own wife doesn't even like witnessing when I do that.

I guess realizing that within myself I actually care about the person allows me to do that externally. It was never difficult on the inside.



golemx -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 2:08:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Because you prefer to associate with nondominant women, you've made the classic mistake of assuming that what you see is all that is there. It isn't.

This is actually very true and I hope to remedy it. My experiences have been confined to personal relationships, and as deep and perfect as they were, I wasn't involved in any community.

Posting here more and attending local events is on the docket for this reason...



LadyPact -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 2:35:22 PM)

Personally, I think you can answer your own question.  I want you to think about everything that you are, including your personality traits.  Do you really think your personality would be different if you just happened to be born with two X chromosomes, rather than XY?  How much of your actual physical form tied in with your Dominance?  Is it really related to what is on the outside of you, or is it really about what's inside?

You do realize that the term 'abnormal' is in the eye of the person who is perceiving.  There are plenty of guys out there who aren't Dominant who feel that you are abnormal.  Society expects you to want an equality based relationship with a woman.  Are you struggling because you want something that isn't considered the norm?  Same thing.

I would highly suggest that you go past your own little world and get to know Dominant women.  I think it would do you a world of good to look beyond your own preferences.



leadership527 -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 2:47:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: golemx
Seriously, I'm wondering how a female, which we normally associate with submissiveness

OK, I'm editing out all the parts of my reply where I elaborate on how offensive this all is. Moving onto answer your question.

Insofar as can a female be dominant: You need to get out more. I know women who could eat me, you, and anyone else here for lunch without chipping a nail.

Regarding societal expectations: Not only does society reject my relationship with my wife but so do most BDSM'ers. I seriously struggle with how one could even begin to think of oneself as "dominant" if that was more than a distant consideration.



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 4:18:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: golemx

I'm a male dom, and that seems comfortable and normal for me. So obviously female doms are abnormal, right? [:D]

Seriously, I'm wondering how a female, which we normally associate with submissiveness, finds a dominant within herself. It seems to me that this might even be harder than admitting submissiveness for a woman.

Oh man. Obviously? Abnormal? Have You listened to Yourself to hear how insulting that sounds? Abnormal for YOU maybe, but not for Dommes. And who is this "We" You speak of? NOT all women are submissive. Some are Dominant and some are, OMG, even switchy. To me, there is no "normal" as a reference point. "Normal" would be in line with the "norm," and there is no real norm anymore. The times they are a changing......


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

We don't associate submissiveness with womanhood. You do. It is only strange to those that cannot see another persons point of view.

Basically, there are Alpha's of all genders and men just tried to tell us we weren't Alpha's... sometimes because they viewed us as a threat to their Alpha status.

It comes just as naturally to us as it does to you.


Yay Lockit!!!! [sm=cheerleader.gif]

~sweetsub~

~edited to add~ I would not have posted in Ask a Mistress to call Dommes obviously abnormal.



leadership527 -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 4:57:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Basically, there are Alpha's of all genders and men just tried to tell us we weren't Alpha's... sometimes because they viewed us as a threat to their Alpha status.

I actually love this situation. I get the same thing randomly... "You're not a dom." But the cool part is when I say "dom" I'm not thinking "A BDSM label". I'm thinking "an alpha". If me and whoever met on the street and got into a confrontation then we'd sort out pretty quickly who was and was not alpha.

Here on the internet people can say and speculate whatever. Out in the real world it's all very real and not a subject of debate. The neat thing about actually being alpha is that the random speculation that happens here means nothing.



SweetDommes -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 5:26:48 PM)

Smiley or not, to come on this board and say that female dominants are "obviously abnormal" right after saying that you don't intend to insult, is like telling a hungry dog not to bite, and then putting on Lady Gaga's meat dress ...

I'm switch, my girlfriend is dominant - it's just as natural for us as you being dominant is natural for you. No, it's not always easy - but life isn't easy.



pyroaquatic -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 5:29:08 PM)

Because beating myself does not prove to be as fun....?



golemx -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 5:48:14 PM)

Hey, apparently I really blew it by using that word. But please read it in context and understand it was solely intended as humor. I will endeavor to be less ambiguous in the future.

Also, to be clear, I am abnormal. I revel in that. Calling me normal would be far more insulting than calling me abnormal. Does anyone here wish to be normal?

With regards to the original subject. This came up because I'm currently reading the book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter", and in my own family I see the unavoidable (books, movies, playground, school, friends, family) influence of that message towards girls every day (which is probably why I should have been more sensitive...) The author points out that in "Little Mermaid" she literally gives up her voice to meet her prince. Ouch.

So I just see that juxtaposed in my mind with the clearly self-realized Dommes here and was interested in the path to reaching that. I thought it would be an interesting subject in general.



SweetDommes -> RE: Why a Mistress? (2/18/2011 5:58:00 PM)

I've actually discussed this kind of thing with my family before ... One of my favorite fairy tales is of a girl who takes up the role of a son - she is perfectly capable of fighting, surviving, solving puzzles, rescuing the princess, etc, and has the men-folk of the story completely fooled as to her true gender. Problem with it, looking back, however - is that she did have to pretend to be male, and in the end, was "cursed" by being changed into a man, at which point she could finally receive her reward for doing all of the tasks set to her (marrying the princess). At the time, though, I didn't see the problem with it because a- she was totally capable of completing every task set, b- she was clever enough to keep everyone fooled, and c- I was probably suffering from some gender issues myself at that point.

In general, though - it was always clear that my mom ran the household, as did both of my grandmothers, and my aunt on my mom's side happens to be a domineering bitch ... so no big surprise that I turned out to be rather strong-willed and sure of who I am and what I want. I was encouraged to be myself - and while my dad seems to be having trouble with his "little angel" being dominant, mom just kind of rolled her eyes at me like "I'm not surprised" and she's been fine ever since.




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