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What problems stop you from finding a slave on online B... - 3/2/2011 10:25:00 AM   
FindKink


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/24/2011
Status: offline 		Hiya!
Hope no-one minds - I'm hoping to pick some brains here.
I'm currently writing a book about online BDSM dating, and I'm trying to figure out what problems most people hit when they're using dating sites like Collarme, Alt, Bondage.com and son on. I've had quite a bit of success with them, but I know a lot of people get very frustrated.

Hence, if you've tried using online dating for BDSM, I'd be really interested to know what problems you had along the way. In particular, what's the single thing you found hardest to do or succeed at whilst using them?
I'm particularly interested to hear from straight male Doms, but all answers welcomed! I'd love to write a guide for bi or gay male Doms at some point, but I've not got much knowledge in the area...

(Mods - I've read through the rules of the group, but if I've missed something and this post's inappropriate, please feel free to move or delete, of course!)
Thanks in advance!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 10:28:35 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Some of the posts in this thread are on topic: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3525693/tm.htm

(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 10:40:39 AM   
FindKink


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/24/2011
Status: offline 		Interesting thread - thanks! 

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 10:43:08 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		First of all
quote:

I'm currently writing a book


You aren't the first or the last to say similar (ie: termpapers etc) and then just disappear of the planet.  Not to mention, I know as a writer of university textbooks the first and main thing I do is A LOT of research.  This includes reading through (approx) 10 books/articles/research material just to get a minimal few great comments or quotes.  So, if you are a writer, do the writing and research yourself--unless you plan on us doing the writing, researching and collecting the the royalties for you.  Can we/they?

quote:

I'd love to write a guide for bi or gay male Doms at some point, but I've not got much knowledge in the area...


If there were a book to be written...it would be written well and better BY a bi/gay male Dom (since the theory is--write of what you know) and not an outsider doing 'research'.  They didn't wake up one day and decide to be gay, bi nor a Dom.  You have perhaps neither quality.

Use the search function to get thousands of common and not so common issues related to your topic.

I know for a fact, I'd only purchase or be interested in a study/book done by one of my peers, than an outsider. If you are writing for vanillas though, they just might not be so picky and take your easily re-formed 'research' as gold.  That in itself is dangerous.




_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist


(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 10:59:29 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm going to pull My quote (and the quote I was referring to) from this thread.  http://www.collarchat.com/m_3582077/tm.htm

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

~FR~

Even it were "just" a dating site, I really don't understand what's so hard about finding a partner.  In the time I've been on CM, I've found at least three, including my girl, and I've made several friends on top of that.  Am I a drop-dead goreous model?  No.   

Do I live in a major city like Los Angeles or NYC with hundreds of potential partners?  No.   

Am I a Pro with paying clients?  Hell no.  

I'm a middle-aged, married mom.  I'm not single, unencumbered by major responsibilities, or in the oh-so-desirable 18-35 age bracket.  So how is it that I've managed to find at least three people to play with on this site alone?  I think the answer comes down to what I call the Three P's: Presentation, Politeness, and Patience.  Apparently, the Grims don't understand let alone have mastery of the basics. 

I can't help but to quote this as it is so much how I feel on the matter.  OK.  Maybe in My case I don't see Myself so much in alliance with the three P's in regard to My posting style, but the rest of it is so on target that it's impossible to ignore.

I've never looked at CM as a dating site.  I don't really use it that way.  Yet, I've managed to meet people through it.  Like the above, I don't feel as though I'm prime target at all.  I should be so far down on the list that it's scary.

This is why I can't really identify with folks who come over to the forums side to rant about how hard it is to find people to connect with.  I literally just don't get it.  I think it's possible that it might be exactly as Steven points out.  They are so focused on that particular aspect that the pressure that they create for themselves just makes matters worse.  Of course, when that happens, it's always everyone else's fault (pros, etc) and can't possibly be the way they are going about it.

(It's a bit early yet, so I'm not sure if that last line is written in a way that the sarcasm comes through appropriately.)


In short, I've never understood the supposed 'obstacles' that folks feel they encounter on sites like this.  I've had people fly across the country to meet Me, go to their first munch to meet Me, and other types of examples.  I am no where near alone in these things.  This is the only area of BDSM where I will say this.  If you can't meet people, you are doing it wrong.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 11:02:52 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm lost. The focus is way too narrow. Why exclude femdom relationships, why exclude gay and bi folks, why exclude poly, why focus on slaves only and not submissives (I'm taking you at your word that you've got experience and thus knee the difference between them), and why restrict the scope to online only? You're deliberately reducing your target audience.

What do you mean by 'problems'? The biggest problems I find is that a prospective isn't suited for me, or me for her. Or that she lives far away.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 11:39:00 AM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FindKink

I'm currently writing a book about online BDSM dating


Don't bother.

No one will publish it, and even if they do, no-one will buy it.

(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 11:48:56 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		I'm old, overweight, not particularly good looking and I'm poor....pretty much the same problems I have vanilla dating.

_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 11:49:06 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Since Lady Pact quoted my response, thus saving me keystrokes (thanks, LP!), I'll ask this:
 
What are your qualifications for writing this book?  What research have you already done and what sort of research are you planning to do in the future?  How large is your sample size?  Do you have any experience with online dating sites in general?  Why are you focusing on BDSM?  What is your thesis?  How do you intend to organize your book?

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 2:18:53 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Stick around and read the threads.

It will alllllllllllllll come to light.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 2:24:11 PM   
ezliamuzed


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/28/2011
Status: offline 		That's a fair request.

I haven't had a problem nor have I been frustrated, probably because I am on good terms with reality. The internet is easily accessible. For many and most this type of site is a diversion. The ratio of sincere to fanciful is low. The fanciful are satisfied with online play, far short of actual enslavement. Once in a while a woman will happen by who is sincerely in need of being owned. She will easily find her new home. I don't see this as being a matter of competition or even of setting and achieving a goal, To me it is about the way people will eventually find what they need. That kind of searching is bound to be very inefficient just based on the nature of need. The feelings don't often come with sufficiently lucid insights to allow for a direct line to satisfaction, so expect a lot of groping about, bumbling and false starts. If such was not a source of amusement there would always be TV to watch. In fact, maybe Judge Judy is on. Excuse me while I check.

If I was going to offer advice to men looking for female slaves I would focus on wearing the right type of shoes. It is well known that for woman of all kinds, shoes are magical talismans. That's where to start, anyways.

(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 3:06:29 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		How Porn is Affecting the Libido of the American Male

(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 3:36:54 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		What I've observed is that the internet has turned fantasies into something that people think they can have without the work. It has moved fantasy into a non-existent reality. People see porn or information or movies, and they think they can have it. They see the instant gratification of it and not all the blood, sweat, and tears that go into creating a real life interaction or relationship. People have found themselves lost in the drug that online interaction can become and have forgotten what real life is. They want the yummy without the responsibility.

It's not just the online industry, of course. It certainly happens with media generally. Movies, television, magazines, etc., have taken away the deeper truths that are a part of creating real life and honest relationships. People don't see how complex reality is and believe that they can willy nilly make snap decisions without considering the consequences - to themselves and others. People think that "I'm sorry" is enough. They forget that they must now begin again at square one and rebuild trust. People online think that "I want" is enough. They forget that creating a relationship is hard work and takes time.

The problem in finding any kind of relationship via online venues (including lasting friendships) is that people have come to believe in instant gratification is their due.

YMMV,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 6:47:46 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I'm old, overweight, not particularly good looking and I'm poor....pretty much the same problems I have vanilla dating.



I'm not agreeing with your harsh description, just applauding your humor and bluntness ..... luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 7:02:19 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I had the same problems here as any other online dating site and in real life....chemistry and compatibility.

A bdsm online website didn't make that change at all.

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 8:38:11 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I'm old, overweight, not particularly good looking and I'm poor....pretty much the same problems I have vanilla dating.

You are just too funny. And all those things You mentioned, well, they're all relative. Compared to who or what? You're too hard on Yourself.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/2/2011 10:50:12 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FindKink

Hiya!
Hope no-one minds - I'm hoping to pick some brains here.
I'm currently writing a book about online BDSM dating, and I'm trying to figure out what problems most people hit when they're using dating sites like Collarme, Alt, Bondage.com and son on. I've had quite a bit of success with them, but I know a lot of people get very frustrated.

Hence, if you've tried using online dating for BDSM, I'd be really interested to know what problems you had along the way. In particular, what's the single thing you found hardest to do or succeed at whilst using them?
I'm particularly interested to hear from straight male Doms, but all answers welcomed! I'd love to write a guide for bi or gay male Doms at some point, but I've not got much knowledge in the area...

(Mods - I've read through the rules of the group, but if I've missed something and this post's inappropriate, please feel free to move or delete, of course!)
Thanks in advance!


    I'll give you a heads up mate!

  1. Collarme.com is NOT A DATING SITE! People certainly do meet here and perhaps even choose to attend the same real life functions where they may or may not hook up.. the profile side (other side where you first come on login. Is and can be used to find someone. I find that aspect rather useful especially when the person you are in contact with has actually read your profile from top top bottom. it's full of stammers too.
  2. Bondage.com is filled with US girls which is a bummer when you live in another country. Plus their paid fees are way too much even against Alt's high prices.
  3. Alt.com is a good pick up location as is Adult Friend Finder. Alt. is way to expensive and the service is less than par as far as site operations goes.
  4. Adult Friend Finder is a jolly good site. Have met quite a few non BDSM folks to swing with and just enjoy the fun. Eventually I'll manage to pervert a few of them and perhaps even collar a couple of suitable folk.

The advantage of on-line dating is the (generally speaking), separation from the local scene and have the chance to make some sort of reasonable contact before the local nit picking harpies have a chance to cruel it with their sniping and back stabbing.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/3/2011 5:10:38 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FindKink

I've had quite a bit of success with them, but I know a lot of people get very frustrated.


Greetings,

They're frustrated because they readily assume that membership equals relationship/plaything/fill-in-the-blank. Although I don't utilize the sites for that purpose, I've encountered more women that possessed potential than the gender I'm interested in. If I were a lesbian I'd have it made.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to FindKink)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/3/2011 5:29:34 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		You can't find a slave or sub on any of those sites. C'mon, don't you read the forums as part of your research? Any quick glance over the forums will clearly show that all slaves etc... (Especially young female ones) are fake as hell.
:-)


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What problems stop you from finding a slave on onli... - 3/5/2011 2:44:02 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverFree1

OK this is a fantasy does not exist! others using others for their own kink....and forgetting to act like a human..write that
regards
Reformed Sub


Just because you seem to have made poor choices and have had an inability to filter out asses doesn't mean everyone else has.
I have an incredible relationship with an incredible man from this site. It's much better than fantasy, btw.

_____________________________



(in reply to ForeverFree1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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