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Newcomers who can't get involved with their local group - 5/5/2006 10:03:05 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

When a newcomer asks for advice here, a lot of us chime in with "Get involved in your local group." (Which, by the way, I agree with.)

But the reality is that many people can't get involved in their local group for one reason or another. Their local group might be a 3-6 hour drive away (and with today's gas prices....), they might not be able to "get out" much due to disability or health, they might not be able to afford the cost of their local group (membership, cost of dinner at a munch, and again, gas prices), they might have an extremely tight schedule with work, school, kids, elderly parents, etc... they might have social phobias they are overcoming slowly and the local scene isn't a healthy option yet, (ad nauseum the reasons...)

In cases like this, where a newcomer to the lifestyle wants to actively learn and seek out partners, but attending local groups is not possible, what advice would you give?

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

Post #: 1

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 10:05:22 AM

Kidless

Posts: 104
Joined: 5/4/2006
Status: offline

Get to know someone local personally take your time finding out if they are mentally stable first-and can really be trusted.

Even in groups, nut jobs do the chameleon act very well. Wait long enough, and you can see when the colors change.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 2

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 10:08:03 AM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline

I would tell them the same thing I would tell anyoneelse - to be very realistic in their expectations. If they can't get involved in the local community for any reason then it would seem they are limited to online involvement. I would advise them to not expect *too* much out of online interactions and to realize that while they may meet some wonderful people online and maybe even real time partners to realize that they're going to run into people who are mainly into online fantasy fulfillment which may not (or may be) their cuppa.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 3

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 10:08:12 AM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

Just blow the dog whistle and benji will come running with his thousand links.

Proprietrix, I have no problem corresponding with anyone that needs/wants help. And as you well know, my resources are your resources. I have enough sense to send someone on to a more learned peer if I like the knowledge to help them.

Respectively

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 4

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 10:12:51 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

As I stated in another similar post, most local groups have an email list, join that.

Heck, if you live in some state that is too widespread and you can't find one, create one. I couldn't find what I wanted in the way of a group and I gathered up some people and created one that is still going years later.

Don't read a single website devoted to D/s...

Buy some decent books, anything by www.greenerypress.com is good, The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book are great, Screw the Roses is fun, Consensual Sadomasochism is deep, heck The Leatherman's Handbook is worth reading as is A Hand in the Bush. All are written by people with heaps of real life experience in cities that have vibrant S&M scenes.

One thing a local group to me started doing is having online munches here at collarme so that people who are too terrified (although to me if they are that scared they should stay home), too busy, or whatever can meet and put their toes in the water first.

To ME (as in this is my opinion and is worth the price I am charging) anyone who doesn't spend some time, at least at first, in a real world S&M scene is heading for trouble. There are many reasons to dislike the scene but I think it is healthy to have spent a few years there.

YMMV of course!

(in reply to Kidless)

Post #: 5

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 10:23:03 AM

TigerLily23

Posts: 53
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline

Great post! I recently became Awakened and collarme was my first "introduction" to people in the lifestyle....Most of the people I have encountered have been fabulous...they have been forthcoming with information, extremely resourceful and one, I have managed to build such a rapport with, that he and his subs along with my Master and me met/socialized at a local Dungeon party....I think it is hard to get involved when you "don't know what is on the otherside of the door" so to speak, but one must be willing to make the effort...if you put no money in the bank, then you're not gonna have any money to withdraw...

_____________________________

Lily

Nosce te ipsum...Know Thyself

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 6

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 10:26:49 AM

pinioned14Me

Posts: 50
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

I would suggest that they chat with others and realize that O/one's view or opinions are not law. Take everything into consideration, find O/others with common sense or views that touch your own views directly.......you're making friends...no different than the vanilla world. Find those who will teach and chat and expect little else of you (here moreso than any other site are those that are informed, sane, intelligent and willing to help)

If you want to learn just as O/others have suggested...read, learn of local individuals, chat and most importantly.....be safe and cautious in your first few attempts.

I always enjoy listening to the many here.....bit of an aural voyeur I guess....

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 7

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 10:58:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

http://www.collarchat.com/m_269039/mpage_1/key_advice%252Cnewbies/tm.htm#269113
Link to 25 Threads on "Help for Newbies"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 8

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 6:09:49 PM

texasbutterfly

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/17/2006
Status: offline

i was interested in what response you would get to this thread. i have checked every web site i can find looking for a closer community. the closest one i have is about 3 hours away....where i don't know a soul. i would be very uncomfortable just showing up in a strange town where i don't know anybody. for now, online is my only option. but maybe that is a good thing....it is giving me a chance to get my feet wet without drowning...**grin**

< Message edited by texasbutterfly -- 5/5/2006 6:10:50 PM >

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 9

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 6:47:15 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

In cases like this, where a newcomer to the lifestyle wants to actively learn and seek out partners, but attending local groups is not possible, what advice would you give?

Well, before the days of the Internet when there was no free advice or anyone to point out the fact there were such things as groups, I put an ad in a underground newspaper and advertised what I was looking for and got close to 100 responses via snail mail no less! Where there is a will, there is a way. It's too easy to use excuses as a means to stay isolated. If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way to get it done. My advice to such newbies would be to take a good long look in the mirror and ask the reflection.. "Do you want this bad enough? If so, what are you willing to do to get it?"

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 10

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 6:50:17 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Both excellent suggestions. I would also add, if at all possible financially,
go to one major kink event within a day's drive of your home once or twice
a year. You will be completely anonymous in a setting like that and have a chance to observe, meet and mingle.

Regards,

Vendaval

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

As I stated in another similar post, most local groups have an email list, join that.

Buy some decent books, anything by www.greenerypress.com is good, The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book are great, Screw the Roses is fun, Consensual Sadomasochism is deep, heck The Leatherman's Handbook is worth reading as is A Hand in the Bush. All are written by people with heaps of real life experience in cities that have vibrant S&M scenes.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 11

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 6:50:44 PM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

I can remember a time when I hungered to meet like minded others. In rural Kansas little opportunity existed for munches unless I wanted a 10 hour round trip.

What I did back then was begin to contact submissives from about a 100 mile radius from my town. I did meet a few women that way and it helped. Eventually a couple of years later we did get enough people together for a small group of both doms and subs. That first group split and evolved for various reasons, different outlooks, distance, etc. The thing about groups is that they seem to be marred by bickering. Maybe bickering is a nice word, all out catfights is closer.

No matter who you meet or who you exchange ideas with there is nothing like reading, thinking, and using common sense and good judgement to figure out what you want from this. Too many people get carried away and think that because they read so and so's book or belong to this group that their ideas should mesh with theirs. They forget that no matter how famous or popular an author might be their opinions are just that...their opinions. The dom or sub with the most years in the lifestyle is also not necessarily the best authority to listen to. People can have 30 years of doing something poorly and all that gives them is 30 years of doing something poorly.

Groups are a good way to learn safety tips, techniques, and be exposed to many different views. In the end it is your own view and what you want that matters.

(in reply to texasbutterfly)

Post #: 12

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 6:56:30 PM

texasbutterfly

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/17/2006
Status: offline

the underground paper is a great idea, i'll look into that...i guess in this day and age i just expect everything to be on the internet(**grin**). my work calls for me to be on the computer and internet all day long and i just expect everything to be at my fingertips. thanks for the tip.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 13

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 7:00:35 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear Proprietrix, Ladies and Gentlemen;

It certainly is a situation that throws back to the old days before Internet and cell phones.

Ads in the newspaper, such as City Paper and or Washington Blade mainly are for Gay however, if you go into personal ads, in normal papers--if you use GERMAN it means "S&M" and ENGLISH was for Discipline (in the 70s & 80s) If they were all Caps it was dominant - small for submissives. Usually, there was a meeting at a neutral location and went on from there. Use to be tie codes (color codes), now hanky and key codes are used.

Problem in placing ads, if you weren't careful what you asked for you often got an error of what partner you sought. However, they use to proof read ads before submitting--oh well; part of the old days way of meeting like minded folks. Swingers groups often had kinky/BDSM interactions as well.

Before any organized groups, there was a "round robin" meeting at people's houses.
Times have changed so, not sure if that is a good thing now days.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 14

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 7:03:39 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

When we first started out, we didn't have computer access to fall back on... not that it wasn't out there, but -we- weren't connected to it. I'm voracious about information, so what I did was go to the bookstore... I went to all the used book stores, coffeeshop bookstores, freaky little hole-in-the-wall bookstores, Borders, Barnes and Noble, WaldenBooks... and I hung out and read the titles, cover text, insert and such on books... I listened to people who were in the section, and what they were talking about, and, after a while, I even got comfortable enough to ask questions about what books were good and which ones were basically bunk. The sections are small, it's pretty anonymous, and very few of the people who hung out in the bookstores were there to "scope out prey"... they were there for info, which was what =I= was looking for, too.

I wish I could recommend libraries... but our public library has... maybe... three books on sexuality, and no kink most of the time... If you can find it, it's because you got to it before the snatchers (you know the ones... "oh I just take library books because I cant -afford- books of my own and it was so good I just -couldn't- give it back") or the book-burners found it. *sighs* Over and over I've found books in the card catalog, had them registered as being IN the library, but they're nowhere to be found.

Just one more way to find solid information.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 15

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 7:14:48 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

Before any organized groups, there was a "round robin" meeting at people's houses.
Times have changed so, not sure if that is a good thing now days.

This gave me so many things to think about, and made me realize that I have a few things that I think are important to share. Thank you so much, Lady Hugs, for giving me the inspiration to "speak". I remember these "round-robin" meetings... they were really nice, because some of the folks that didn't get out a lot -still- got to participate in the community this way. Those of us who were of alternative spiritual paths got around the issue of not having a "church" to meet at and an awful lot of people who didn't want us to meet at all this way, too --

Admittedly, sometimes you got a bad apple or two, but most of the time, the community took care of its own, and if someone turned out to be a bad neighbor, they didn't last long.

I've had the benefit of being alternative spirituality before the internet, alternative sexuality before the internet, alternative family before the internet.... and sometimes I think that the internet has made it so that we don't spend personal time with each other any more... we look for internet communities to fill our needs for expression of our complete selves -- especially the parts of ourselves that we're not comfortable with, or that society might have an issue with, because it is truly -safe-... as long as we don't meet in person, the people on the screen have no idea who we really are. I doubt if, walking down the street, anyone here would even recognize me... but it is nearly impossible to build a community or come to know people who can be a -real- support system online... it requires making oneself vulnerable. People are more than their words... and more than their skins. Everything that a person is is hard to see, until we've spent time with them, watched them expose themselves, and exposed ourselves as well for the sake of connection.

I'm working on an intentional community in our area -- a green co-housing-modeled, open-minded community... I have so many people who want to be a part of it, if they don't have to do it in person.. they want to talk online, but don't want to risk meeting... and community can't grow without an investment... without a risk.

Just a few thoughts.
Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 16

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 7:48:47 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

okay, if ANYONE knows of any sane, okay FAIRLY sane people in my little part of the world I would LOVE to meet them!..........just had to add my $2 worth......................back to the regularly scheduled programming.....................

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 17

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 8:39:44 PM

CanadianGuy

Posts: 219
Status: offline

There are other reasons not mentioned above, for why people don't get involved in "munches" and "BDSM play parties".

- My personal reason: I have absolutely no interest in it. I don't dress in leather, put spikes in my lips, and I'm not really into whips or buttplugs. It's 90% about D/s for me. From what I know and have seen, it's much easier to meet and speak with people about D/s online than it is in a kinky fetish club. If I start needing "scenes" and "faires" to get my kicks, I'm sure I can find them.
- My girl's reason: You generally need to be either 19 or 21 to participate in these things, depending on the people and local laws. My girl is 17.
- Our combined reason: We're not together right now. Even if either of us were into "the local scene", going alone would be extremely sub-optimal.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 18

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/5/2006 11:34:35 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

I'm one of the poor ones that has to travel 5 hours to attend anything. Thankfully i've met some great people on here that are taking me with them so i wont be walking into a strange place alone. For a long time I only had the internet as a way to meet others. Heck before the internet I thought I was pretty alone out here in the middle of kinkland. I was lucky enough to meet some nice people from the net and moved to personal face to face meetings.

I say use what ever resourses you can to get to know yourself better. talk to people listen to others and learn what interests you and what you might think you want and need. by the way that changes alot in the first few years of discouvery. The more people you talk to the more you'll learn. you might even find someone you can carpool with nearby to attend the functions that are a couple hours away.

**damn typo gremlins*

< Message edited by akisha -- 5/5/2006 11:35:11 PM >

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to CanadianGuy)

Post #: 19

RE: Newcomers who can't get involved with their local g... - 5/6/2006 2:47:17 AM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

La Tigresse,

You might want to check PEP and the IASB... Both of those may have activities either in your area or not too far away. PEP is a national org... so they're pretty well organized, and if there isn't one near enough, they're really helpful if you're willing to put one together in giving useful info and teaching you how to safely "market" the group. (Munch groups tend to start slow, so not getting discouraged is the first big hurdle for many new groups -- some of my best advice... don't try to do too much too fast. Don't worry about SIGS and stuff until you have some regular attendees who are coming out at least to meet and converse first. It can get time-consuming and painful to plan events and have the typical low turnout that happens for the first 6 months to a year.... the longer you're around, though, the more people will start crawling out of the woodwork, feeling that the group's age makes it more "secure").

ZWD

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 20

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