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Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 9:10:14 AM   
Dastan


Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline 		Hello Dominant Ladies, gentlemen subs. I am sorry to ask a rather unusual question but I was recently able to hear something that I have discussed with my Mistress and also shared with another submissive and found an interesting topic in it.

I have a Mistress, a Goddess whom I love, and who has awarded me with the privilege of her love and the honor of serving her. We are so blessed with a lot of things, the most importan of all, love, the kind that makes you feel you don´t need anyone else in the world but Her.

Listening to a conversation I heard that a man married his beloved wife, and unlike the common tradition of the lady taking the man´s last name and abandoning her maiden name (some just hyphenating it to allow the gentleman´s last name AFTER hers) he was the one who abandoned his "maiden" name and took her name.

My Mistress knows my relationship with my father and his family is non-existant. My last name is illustrious, sort of if someone had as last name Grant and could trace it back in a straight line to Ulysses S. Grant, but I have never met my father or any family members on his side, and I don´t need to, but I don´t hate him. Yet, my Mistress tells me that I am able to choose and keep my name and she wouldn´t mind wearing it as she says, for me as she says it is not a bad thing to hyphenating hers or being called "Mrs. Dastan" and so.

But my best friend and fellow submissive has a different story. His father was psychologically abusive to his mother, she kicked him out of the house when he was 6, he was a manipulative person who would break a person´s self-esteem subtly and plant seeds of doubt, fear, and sadness, not to mention torture someone´s m ind and heart, even if the idiot was never to lay a single finger on her, nor did he cheat or drank at all. So my best friend hates his father so bad as to shoot him on sight.

He wants to change his name to be the same as of his Mistress, who he is marrying this year in her country (they now reside in the U.S. in Florida, where he met her during his graduate studies) and as far the U.S. law go, he can do it, but she says that he is acting in a way that is not right, and that being that she is of latino background, she wishes to adhere to the custom of using the husband's name, not even hyphenating it after her maiden name, but to fully take it.

I just wanted to ask what would be the opinion of a Mistress as per this case. If your submissive hated his father and everything on that side of the family, would you not let him abandon that name and take yours? And if you would not let him, why would that be ? I am curious as to understand that possibility as it seems to b a case that does happen sometimes and which can be interesting to analyze.

< Message edited by Dastan -- 3/6/2011 9:13:55 AM >

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 9:16:28 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		Is it just me or does this have nothing to do with Mistress/slave? It's just a a custom and some people like customs and want to keep them and some people don't. Doesn't have to be any specific reason.

< Message edited by subtlebutterfly -- 3/6/2011 9:18:34 AM >

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 9:45:42 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dastan
He wants to change his name to be the same as of his Mistress, who he is marrying this year in her country (they now reside in the U.S. in Florida, where he met her during his graduate studies) and as far the U.S. law go, he can do it, but she says that he is acting in a way that is not right, and that being that she is of latino background, she wishes to adhere to the custom of using the husband's name, not even hyphenating it after her maiden name, but to fully take it.

I just wanted to ask what would be the opinion of a Mistress as per this case. If your submissive hated his father and everything on that side of the family, would you not let him abandon that name and take yours? And if you would not let him, why would that be ? I am curious as to understand that possibility as it seems to b a case that does happen sometimes and which can be interesting to analyze.


I am not a mistress and as stated above it has nothing to do with your sort of relationship...whilst I can fully understand the wish to abandon the own surname due to disliking my own family myself (so I will make sure to get rid of my surname when that time would come) I do understand that in some cultures it is still more common to take on the male surname in general. I don't know much about the latino background, apart from a pupil exchanges endless many years ago, but if that is still more common there, then I do understand her wish to follow the rules from her background.

One guy from a previous house share shared his bed with his future wife already which caused a massive conflict between him and his mum when she visited him and his sister to support her daughter in her final years study (who lived also in that house) as in her culture (I think they were from brazil but can be wrong). She was very annoyed that he did not follow the common rules which are applicable in her society, which would have meant for her son to sleep in a bed in a different room to his wife-to-be until they are married.

So if that mistress prefers to follow the rules of her own background then I can understand that she overrules his wish to abandon his name.

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 3/6/2011 9:49:06 AM >

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 9:47:33 AM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

Is it just me or does this have nothing to do with Mistress/slave?


No, its not just you.

OP, I have a friend who is not a dominant female or involved in D/s whatsoever. She married a Latino who's last name happened to be her first name (what are the odds of that happening?). She didn't take his last name as it would have been rather redundant. Her husband, however, takes great pleasure in telling people they were a match from the start because of this and told her he likes to think he was born to be her's.

This brief article might be of interest to you... http://www.msmagazine.com/spring2007/changinghisname.asp .

Personally, I wouldn't change my last name if I were to marry and I would have no problem with allowing my partner to take on my surname as his own. I would be concerned, however, if his reasons for doing so had anything to do with extreme hatred of his own family name and background. That would be addressed before any changes were agreed upon.

I guess what I'm trying to convey with this response to your question is...to each their own.


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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 12:21:56 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		FR

Gawd. What a quandary this would put me in. My forename gets changed all the time by those who want to give me nicknames or - in the case of partners (and the occasional female friend) - pet-names. I have no hatred of any family member and no great fondness for my family-name. Yet I'd *really* have to think hard before adopting a wife's surname. I think that'd make me feel more 'owned' than just about anything, including a collaring ceremony. My surname feels so much to be part of my identity. It'd be one hell of a radical move for me. On the other hand, I might just *want* to feel that much owned, come the time . . . .

Feck. This is a harder thing to imagine than pretty much any variety of D/s kink I've read about on these boards!

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 3/6/2011 12:22:46 PM >

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 12:26:55 PM   
SexyBossyBBW


Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline 		I feel about this, the same way I feel about many female-male relationship customs, and expectations;  IF I ever marry again, we will retain our individual names, if he feels strongly about his, or he will take my last name.  
Not only am I the leader in the relationship, but I adore my last name, and the man who passed it to me at birth.   I will never change it (again).   Even my little one, has my last name, after some negotiating with his dad.
 
quote:

PeonForHer
Yet I'd *really* have to think hard before adopting a wife's surname. I think that'd make me feel more 'owned' than just about anything, including a collaring ceremony. My surname feels so much to be part of my identity. It'd be one hell of a radical move for me. On the other hand, I might just *want* to feel that much owned, come the time . . . .

Feck. This is a harder thing to imagine than pretty much any variety of D/s kink I've read about on these boards!
I have heard and discussed this with a person before, and he expressed feeling as you described above, which was kind of turn on for me.   To me, it sounds very romantic, and apropos of an authority inversed relationship.   M

< Message edited by SexyBossyBBW -- 3/6/2011 12:32:37 PM >

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 12:47:41 PM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dastan

I just wanted to ask what would be the opinion of a Mistress as per this case. If your submissive hated his father and everything on that side of the family, would you not let him abandon that name and take yours? And if you would not let him, why would that be ? I am curious as to understand that possibility as it seems to b a case that does happen sometimes and which can be interesting to analyze.


If I were to marry a submissive or slave, he would be welcome to abandon his name and take mine if he wished. My own relationship with my father was horrendous for the first 32 years of my life, but after my step-mother died, he reached out to reconnect with me. I laid down the ground rules for the different types of behavior required for him to have a relationship with me, he complied, and we had a healing of sorts over next 12 years, until he passed away. I now have no qualms about continuing to carry his last name, though at one point I actually had a consultation with a lawyer about changing it. So I can understand this submissive's point of view.

Interestingly, my hairdresser decided to take the last name of the woman he married and she allowed him to. From what he has told me, his father was abusive, but I never asked him if that factored into his decision to take her last name, or if it was just something he wanted to do. From what I can piece together, he is into female-led relationships, though not (to my knowledge) into S & M.

I have another friend who is into BDSM who insisted that her slave take her last name when they married. It was her idea, not his, but he complied.

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 1:17:58 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW
. . . and he expressed feeling as you described above, which was kind of turn on for me.   To me, it sounds very romantic, and apropos . . .   M


Absolutely! When a good man asked to take my last name, it was a huge "lie down, I love you" turn-on.



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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 1:18:05 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dastan


I just wanted to ask what would be the opinion of a Mistress as per this case. If your submissive hated his father and everything on that side of the family, would you not let him abandon that name and take yours? And if you would not let him, why would that be ? I am curious as to understand that possibility as it seems to b a case that does happen sometimes and which can be interesting to analyze.


That is a possible reason for it, however I think the choice of taking a woman's name should be a choice from the heart, not to abandon the past. The whole "I am man, you bear my name" is antiquated chest-thumperery.


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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 1:53:49 PM   
Jennislut


Posts: 234
Joined: 2/24/2011
Status: offline 		why doesn't he just change his name to something they both like and then when they marry she can take his name and they will both be happy

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/6/2011 11:41:01 PM   
MsBlackheart


Posts: 54
Joined: 7/27/2005
From: Memphis TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW.. To me, it sounds very romantic, and apropos of an authority inversed relationship.


Mmm, yes, romantic and authoritative, and as an opportunity to reinforce ownership throughout his vanilla existence as well. 

One of my favorite musicians, Jack White, was a Jack Gillis until he married Meg White.  He kept the name after they divorced.  Slavish devotion?  Doubtful, although it would definitely add to his appeal.


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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/7/2011 12:01:23 AM   
SexyBossyBBW


Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsBlackheart
One of my favorite musicians, Jack White, was a Jack Gillis until he married Meg White.  He kept the name after they divorced.  Slavish devotion?  Doubtful, although it would definitely add to his appeal
Nice!   Off to search/learn about this wonderful Jack White fella.   M

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/7/2011 9:28:59 AM   
Dastan


Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline 		I must thank you all in the thread. Your responses have been very illustrative, and now allow me to please address some posters which have made a great contribution

It is true, Mistress subtlebutterfly and also Mistress BonesFromAsh (whom I must thank for the article as it does give my friend some guidance as to which state to marry in) that changing one´s name to take that of one´s Lady and owner is not something exclusive of BDSM, but it does link with female supremacy-oriented concepts or matriarchical views. I am NOT saying a man who does that is a believer in either, but I do wish to say that a man who does is a person who loves his wife very much and acknowledges her power as a lady in the household and society.

Mr. PeonForHer and Mistress SexyBossyBBW as well as Mistress MsBlackheart made a great contribution, as they mentioned the concept, the context more likely, that such an act would be in and what meaning it would take for a man, especially within BDSM although not necessarily in it, to do such a thing. I would see it as an act of devotion to honor the Lady who blesses me with her choice. Miss Trantriqu did give some encouragement for the thought with her words, indeed.

As for Mistress MysticFireTopaz and Mistress Phoenixpower, their comments are greatly appreciated, I truly see that a Lady would love such a gesture and also, I can understand why some ladies might reject the idea based on their identification of self based on their culture´s ways. I do thank you both for your words. Just as Mr Fukintroll said it so colorfully, it is a thing of the apst to degrade the role of womanhood by making a Lady take a male´s surname by social imposition. But it is good to see times are changing.

And finally, but certainly not least, Miss Jennislut did provide a wonderful advice I intend to relay to my friend:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jennislut

why doesn't he just change his name to something they both like and then when they marry she can take his name and they will both be happy


I think that was quite a wonderful advice.







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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/7/2011 10:32:10 AM   
Jennislut


Posts: 234
Joined: 2/24/2011
Status: offline
quote:

I think that was quite a wonderful advice.

I agree


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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/7/2011 10:56:39 AM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline 		Ironically, when I did a search for information concerning the legalities of the question of a husband taking his wife's surname, I was surprised by the lack of sites that offer current information.

Along with the other link I posted for the OP, I found THIS site, again only offering basic info....

quote:

The process to change a name is legislated on a state basis. In California, Buday would have needed to pay a court fee of more than $300, run a newspaper ad for several weeks, and go to court for a judge's approval. By comparison, for a California woman to change her last name to that of her husband, she can pay a smaller fee - between $50 and $80 depending on the county -and do the change right on the marriage license.

In fact, a man's name change is not even considered part of his marriage. Rather, it is a name change, independent of the wedding that is occurring.

Many other states require steps and fees similar to those in California for men to change their names. In fact, only six states currently allow either partner to do a change a name under equal conditions when they marry. If you are a man looking to take your wife's name, count yourself lucky if you live in one of these enlightened states: Georgia, Hawaii, Iowa, Massachusetts, New York or North Dakota.



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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/7/2011 12:31:47 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jennislut

why doesn't he just change his name to something they both like and then when they marry she can take his name and they will both be happy

I was still in my teens when I married and took his name. My sister was much older and had established a professional identity, and kept her name. I was fairly amicably divorced after 18 years of marriage and didn't bother to revert to my maiden name. I also like where my married name falls in the alphabet :)

I don't know what I'd do if I were to remarry but think us both changing our names is incredibly romantic.

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/7/2011 2:43:32 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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Hmmm. I don't think, all things considered, I could do it. Mainly because of my father: he makes Genghis Khan look like a corduroy-wearing softy veggie liberal. He'd be unimaginably upset if I didn't keep his surname. I can't think of a way of explaining it to him that he'd understand. Still, once he's croaked and started pushing up daisies - that's a different matter.

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/7/2011 6:17:45 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I can't imagine ever changing my own surname, and not just because it's attached to a pile of professional credentials! If a man wanted to take my name, that would be lovely, though it's not a glamorous one, and rather the Italian version of "Jones". And the name of a vermouth, so endless jokes about that. I wouldn't require anyone to change his name unless HE wanted to.

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/8/2011 9:16:37 PM   
Dastan


Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I can't imagine ever changing my own surname, and not just because it's attached to a pile of professional credentials! If a man wanted to take my name, that would be lovely, though it's not a glamorous one, and rather the Italian version of "Jones". And the name of a vermouth, so endless jokes about that. I wouldn't require anyone to change his name unless HE wanted to.



Mistress LadyHibiscus, if a man wanted to take your name, it would be romantic, yes, I can see that, but also, it would be the logical thing to do, after reading several of your posts, I´d think that any man who is lucky enough to have you answer "Yes" to his marriage proposal would love to wear Your name proudly to mark the fact to others that He is Your Own and your One And Only love.

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RE: Marrying a Mistress, taking her last name ? - 3/8/2011 9:20:13 PM   
Dastan


Posts: 148
Joined: 12/13/2008
From: Barranquilla city, Colombia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

FR

Hmmm. I don't think, all things considered, I could do it. Mainly because of my father: he makes Genghis Khan look like a corduroy-wearing softy veggie liberal. He'd be unimaginably upset if I didn't keep his surname. I can't think of a way of explaining it to him that he'd understand. Still, once he's croaked and started pushing up daisies - that's a different matter.


I luckily never met mine. I don´t hate him, but I understand your Gengis Khan analogy. Mine served in the war, and people do highlight many of his actions the same way as with Temujin, and old people more than often cringe when I say my last name in such areas.

And as Lady Hibiscus, mine is also wine-related....what are the odds, I believe is the colloquially asked question, is it not?

< Message edited by Dastan -- 3/8/2011 9:22:38 PM >

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