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Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 3:16:09 PM

DaddyDomnCOLO

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So my question is... Is it only possible to be a Dom only if you were "born" one, or is it possible to wake up at 40 y/o and realize that you are a Dom and want to learn more about the life and in turn yourself?

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 3:19:04 PM

masterzpet

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ummm, did you lose the first 2 threads you started?

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 3:46:36 PM

DaddyDomnCOLO

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actually, I appears that my comp locked and then resent the message.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 3:49:42 PM

Estring

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I don't think anyone is born a Dom. As your personality develops, you could become a dominant person. But that doesn't make you a Dom. No one goes around calling themselves a Dom unless they embrace BDSM. (or are wannabees)
Once you discover this lifestyle and feel that you are comfortable in a dominant role, that is when you become a Dom.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 4:48:48 PM

DaddyDomnCOLO

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Thanks for the insight, I was having doubts. I had a conversation with a submissve that was adamant about this point... one can only be a Dom if they were born a Dom. LOL, it was almost humorous in hindsight... I submissive cursing and yelling that only a "born" Dom was a Dom and there is no way one could become a Dom unless born to it. Once again, thanks for the clarification and your opinion.

Russ

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 8:12:54 PM

Redmage

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I'm not sure the question has any meaning. If you were "born" a Dom then how would you know? You don't pick up a whip and tell the nurse to get on her knees there in the maternity ward. No, at some point you have to discover an interest in BDSM, and whether that happens at 14 or 40 shouldn't matter.

I do think that an inclination to BDSM is a hardwired sexual orientation. The degree to which one is oriented that way varies from person to person, along a spectrum much like the gay-bi-straight continuum. However that has nothing whatsoever to do with the age at which one becomes acquainted with one's orientation. In practical terms there's almost no way to distinguish between nature and nurture in this.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 8:36:39 PM

strongnsubmissiv

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Redmage

I do think that an inclination to BDSM is a hardwired sexual orientation.

I agree wholeheartedly based on my personal development and experience. Often i think the term "being born this way" is used as an expression to try and convey that very point.

That said, i firmly believe you can separate this community into two distinct groups. Those who WANT and enjoy the excitement our lifestyle brings, and those who simply NEED it because it's part of thier sexual fabric and orientation. Born and bred are metaphores used for each of the groups and are probably taken just a little too literally.

I wouldn't say that there is anything wrong with either group, however i know from a personal perspective, which type would be most compatible with me, and i'll not apologize for making the distinction.

sns

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/6/2004 9:10:17 PM

Redmage

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quote:

ORIGINAL: strongnsubmissiv
That said, i firmly believe you can separate this community into two distinct groups. Those who WANT and enjoy the excitement our lifestyle brings, and those who simply NEED it because it's part of thier sexual fabric and orientation.

That's probably true. I think it refers to where on the BDSM continuum one's sexual orientation lies. As an analogy, there are people who identify as homosexual, but enjoy an occasional fling with the opposite sex. Likewise there are hets who do the same thing in reverse. Then there are people who are gay or straight without exception, ever. And there are bisexuals who NEED both male and female energy, and others who just enjoy whichever one they're with.

For some people, kink is a nice bit of spice now and then, but they're not hardwired with it as a primary erotic expression. Others (like me) can't really see the point of vanilla sex.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/7/2004 10:48:53 AM

sub4hire

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Ok, This is my take on the topic.

Yep we are born Dominant or submissive. HOWEVER and this is a big however. It is just like IQ. I can be born with a 202 IQ and never fully utilize it. I can appear to the other humans out there I have a 109 IQ and barely scraping by. Yet, if I do utilize my IQ to its fullest everyone will know.

So, it is somewhat the same in my mind. We are born whoever we are. Yet, we may never fully discover who we are. Who we are today depends on many factors. I usually tell confused newbies to do some soul searching. Try to figure out who they are inside before they enter the world of BDSM. At least then they can work a way towards some sort of a goal.
Yet, I've seen many on these boards and in all walks of life who have no clue still who they are.
Hope that made sense.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/7/2004 12:03:49 PM

BigBadVoodooDadd

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I think that being a Dom is something that has been ingrained in us. I do not think that there are people that all of the sudden become dominant, I think that there are people that all of the sudden REALIZE that they are dominant.

It is like many submissives have desribed it themselves. They realized that they had many submissive traits when they were a child, that they could trace it back a long way but they never actually made it click untill later in their life.
Same thing has been with me. I have been a Dominant personality all my life. I always take comand, I always have people looking up to me for advice and people wanting to hear my oppinion. I have always been the one that people have listened to when they don't have an answer themselves. I have been a dominant my whole life and I was lucky enough to have realized that at an early age and have acted on it.

I do not think someone can just "become" dominant. That is impossible in my oppinion. I think that it is faked in most instances, if a person did not have any dominant traits before and now they are trying to exercise their "dominant" nature then they are most likely trying to fake it and are not really doing it because it is at the core of them.

I hope this helps!

BBVD

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/7/2004 2:44:03 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddyDomnCOLO

So my question is... Is it only possible to be a Dom only if you were "born" one, or is it possible to wake up at 40 y/o and realize that you are a Dom and want to learn more about the life and in turn yourself?

Both.

We are born with a certain predisposition to be something, a personality, a character, a blue print so to speak.

And then we are socialised and we either go against and suppress or develop into our true selves.

I was a dominant child. I was a somewhat submissive in my early to mid-twenties due to my surroundings but I was miserable. I have gotten back in touch with my true self and to living my dominance naturally.

I think the reverse can be true. Some situations could make people, who would otherwise feel better submitting, be force into a dominant role.

- LA

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/7/2004 6:06:43 PM

Laceywhips

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I think that some of us are born dominant , I am one of those people who went thru life trying to fit in and never quite succeding . Then finally i found this lifestyle and felt so comfortable for the first time in my life.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/7/2004 7:57:31 PM

karmaslave

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If you can only be born dominant what the hell does it mean if you Switch?!

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/7/2004 11:00:01 PM

BigBadVoodooDadd

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quote:

ORIGINAL: karmaslave

If you can only be born dominant what the hell does it mean if you Switch?!

It means that you were "born" a switch.

I think that you many take the term "born" a bit too literally. It is actually used to describe being Dominant, submissive or whatever else from an early age. It is one of your earlies childhood memories, it is very strong and an essence of you. It is not something you learned or something that you got as you became older. People use the tern "born" to describe something that is natural and something that has always been a part of you as long as you can remember.

Switches... well they range from being completely confused about their sexuality to people that actually love both aspects of the lifestyle. It ranges so I guess it is just about who you believe you are and how you identify yourself.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/8/2004 12:09:41 AM

Nagatzhul

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Actually, if you look around and know anything about the Myers-Briggs personality types, you find they match up to particular roles pretty well. A lot of dominants tend to be INTJs. I found that rather interesting.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/8/2004 5:08:20 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nagatzhul
Actually, if you look around and know anything about the Myers-Briggs personality types, you find they match up to particular roles pretty well. A lot of dominants tend to be INTJs. I found that rather interesting.

That is hilarious. I'm an ENTP. Two out of four isn't bad.

I'm wondering though about the E/I (Extroversion - Introversion) aspect. I think a lot of Dominant female women are more extroverted than their male counterparts. In fact, I'm not sure how accurate that is but it's my observation.

As for the S/N (Sensing - Intuition) distinction, well I guess the fact of using the 6th sense might come in handy in Domination, but I don’t see it as such a need.

As for T/F (Thinking - Feeling), this is where I see the greater distinction. I am very T and most of my lovers/subs have been very F. I think this is a strong point.

Finally, as for the J/P (Judging – Perceiving), I don’t see how this affects a Dominant personality at all. Maybe I’m missing something.

A good friend of mine is a certified Myers-Briggs expert and I'm meeting him for dinner this weekend. I think I'll spice up dinner conversation and pic his brain on this subject!

- LA

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/8/2004 5:12:34 AM

afmvdp

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quote:

ORIGINAL: karmaslave

If you can only be born dominant what the hell does it mean if you Switch?!

Bipolar?

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/8/2004 5:18:57 AM

afmvdp

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I agree that people are born with Dominant or submissive natures but a "dom" no. Like Glorida said it's up to the individual person to go with or shy away from that instinct. Normally it takes something to take it from that natural nature into something tangible. Just cause I was chasing the neighbor girl with a net and liked tying knots does not make me a kiddiedom.

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/8/2004 11:40:13 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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Pre-disposed personality. Then family environment and socialization. Many of U/s probably got "pushed around" at some point in O/our lives. So who felt comfortable in that role and who didn't?
I am Dominant everywhere. Work, social activities, volunteer work. I am not a bully, but I am a leader. I also like to listen and learn. I don't think that makes Me submissive. Just smart.
Trying to fit into an accepted role at certain times of life can also make One realize their natural Dominance. I tried, I failed, I'm Dominant!

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RE: Born or learned, how we become a Dom? - 10/8/2004 11:58:14 PM

Redmage

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nagatzhul

Actually, if you look around and know anything about the Myers-Briggs personality types, you find they match up to particular roles pretty well. A lot of dominants tend to be INTJs. I found that rather interesting.

I used to be INTJ. Lately though I've been testing out INTP.

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