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ORIGINAL: stellauk

In marginalizing others, how much do we marginalize ourselves?

Great topic, stella. I don't feel that I marginalize others, therefore, I do not ever marginalize myself. I may feel that I would not do what others do, or share their views, but I feel everyone has a right to their opinion and preferences.

How much do you feel negative traumatic experiences in life and emotional issues influence your interests and interactions and if they exist, how do they relate to one another?

If you are talking about negative experiences contributing to my interest in D/s, no, definitely not simply because I was into it from as early as I can remember and I had a great family life. If you are talking about negative experiences in life itself and how that influences my interactions, then yes, I have had some awful things happen to me in the last few years and I believe they have influenced my trust in others, made me more cynical and I tend to view things more dispassionately than I ever thought I would.

You meet someone who you feel is good potential for a relationship, but they either have a significant emotional issue or are dealing with a major problem in life. How would that affect your decision over whether to get to know them or not?

In the past, I have ignored some of these red flags, re: emotional issues and that was not a good thing for me. I stayed too long in a relationship with someone with issues and thought I could "fix" him because I loved him. You cannot fix anyone who does not wish to fix themselves. If someone is dealing with a major problem in life, that is different; I would get to know them; that is entirely different than emotional problems.

Have you ever found yourself in unfortunate circumstances and/or having serious issues and had someone overlook them and continue to get to know you? Was there any relationship between that relationship and you overcoming your circumstances? What happened?

I have had people in my past overlook some of my unfortunate circumstances and continue to get to know me. Those relationships worked for me because I knew those people really cared for me or were very interested in me. I find that now, however, in the past few years where the unfortunate circumstances are much worse, people have not wanted to get to know me beyond a surface level or what was going on with me. I feel that people inherently are all about themselves and what others can do for them or with them, so I am not suprised to have found out that I had some fair weather friends when faced with serious life issues.

Have you ever avoided entering relationships or have isolated yourself because of circumstances? Why?

Oh yes, absolutely. Now I am going through a job loss and I find myself not confiding in anyone and from experience, I know that no one wants to hear about it. I have become very strong in dealing with my problems and while it saddens me that I cannot really rely on anyone, I always have myself to rely on. I feel rather isolated these days anyway; for a variety of reasons having to do with disappointments in people.

What do you pay attention to when getting to know someone? What are your dealbreakers? Red flags?

These days, I pay very much attention to what people say about themselves. I find that most people end up revealing things about themselves that show how they will eventually behave towards you. For example, when a man says, "I am not a good guy, I am an asshole", you need to believe them. Don't just think they are playing the archetypal "bad boy", they really are bad guys. My dealbreakers are how people treat me and how they treat others. My dealbreakers are people who are selfish narcissists who lack empathy and people who are non communicative. People who never laugh. People who lack boundaries.

How have socio-economic factors in your community impacted or affected how people go about WIITWD? What developments or changes have you yourself noticed? Are these changes positive or detrimental to WIITWD as a whole?

I don't see anything simply because I don't really participate in any social lifestyle events or clubs, etc. So I have no idea whether our socio economic factors have influenced anything. I suppose if you are out of work, then your priorities would shift from playing to making ends meet in the more mundane things in life.

Any other things that run through your mind concerning the above that you would like to share?

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ORIGINAL: stellauk

...I feel that not many have the freedom to live without the compartmentalization of life forced upon the rest through the reality and circumstances of their lives - employment, family, friends, neighbours, and so forth.

i guess i would argue that *nobody* has that freedom. Everyone we interact with sees only a side of us, and what they see is colored by their own perceptions. We are all judged. i think no one sees us exactly as we are, not even *ourselves*.

Are we a more open-minded area of society?...

Who's "we"? Are the members of this site more open minded? i doubt it. Are kinsters in general? Maybe. Are the forum members? i think probably, yes.

But then again I don't think this is true entirely, and personally I feel that a number of people define a boundary between what is acceptable and what isn't and this boundary is a much more static boundary than a dynamic one.

If you're referring to the One True Wayers, i'll give the same answer that i recently gave on another thread. i don't have a problem when people give their opinion as the One True Way. Whether or not they actually say so, i believe that they're usually just stating their own preferences. It would certainly be better to say so; to say "in my opinion this is what's true...", "for me, this is what's better...", "this is what i prefer...", rather to say that is IS true in some *absolute* sense. But i usually give people credit for meaning that, even if they don't explicitly state it. Most everything that's said here is really a personal opinion, whether or not the poster identifies it as such.

How many times, for example have we read a thread started by someone obviously having some difficulty in a relationship, a dynamic, or wanting to do something that most would consider extreme, and we see a chorus of cries for 'get therapy', 'see a kink friendly counsellor'?...

i see that a lot, but around here i more often see the response, "only you can decide what's right for you", or "don't stick your nose in other people's dynamics". When the subject is extreme kink, people are much more likely to be judgemental or give unsolicited advice, that's true. But even if it's nosy or presumptuous, i still like to give people credit for being concerned and wanting to help. Suggesting that someone seek therapy is not necessarily dismissive, although *a lot* would depend on *how* the person said it.

...In marginalizing others, how much do we marginalize ourselves?

To me, that's hard to say without a specific example. i think i try hard *not* to marginalize others.

How much do you feel negative traumatic experiences in life and emotional issues influence your interests and interactions and if they exist, how do they relate to one another?

Are you asking whether those experiences are what brought me to kink? Or whether those experiences affect my life in general? i believe what brought me to kink was a genetic predisposition that was acted upon by childhood experiences. The old nature vs nurture argument, and my answer is: i am the person i am because of both. i don't think that's good or bad. i don't envy non-kinksters. i don't see this as some kind of disease that i need to be cured of. But i probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for certain circumstances in my life. So, yes, they had an affect.

If you're asking whether negative (i'm not sure i would use the word "tramatic") experiences from my past affect my life in the present? The answer is, yes. Those experiences affect me more than i like, more than, perhaps, they should. i have a strong tendency to obsess. i have trouble moving past certain things that have happened. i'm dealing with it the best i can, i guess.

You meet someone who you feel is good potential for a relationship, but they either have a significant emotional issue or are dealing with a major problem in life. How would that affect your decision over whether to get to know them or not?

That really depends on exactly what the problem is.

Have you ever found yourself in unfortunate circumstances and/or having serious issues and had someone overlook them and continue to get to know you? Was there any relationship between that relationship and you overcoming your circumstances? What happened?

No. The more "unfortunate" my circumstances are, the more likely i am to crawl inside my shell. i tend to cut myself off from people at that point. i become suspicious of other people's offers to help, and withdraw into myself.

Have you ever avoided entering relationships or have isolated yourself because of circumstances? Why?

See above answer. i lived in my car for about three years, by choice. i was sick of people and wanted to be alone. i didn't interact with people outside of work, where nobody knew i was homeless. When i'm upset, i become extremely withdrawn.

What do you pay attention to when getting to know someone? What are your dealbreakers? Red flags?

What i look for in other people is:
honesty, integrity, ethics, compassion, intelligence, work ethic, sense of humor, people who don't have big egos. A red flag would be the opposite of any of those.

How have socio-economic factors in your community impacted or affected how people go about WIITWD? What developments or changes have you yourself noticed? Are these changes positive or detrimental to WIITWD as a whole?

No idea. i've only been involved in BDSM for about a year.

Any other things that run through your mind concerning the above that you would like to share?

Only this: (and please don't hate me) stella, i love your posts. But you talk too damn much. LOL.

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You meet someone who you feel is good potential for a relationship, but they either have a significant emotional issue or are dealing with a major problem in life. How would that affect your decision over whether to get to know them or not?

quote:

Have you ever found yourself in unfortunate circumstances and/or having serious issues and had someone overlook them and continue to get to know you? Was there any relationship between that relationship and you overcoming your circumstances? What happened?
when i met M, i had just moved, didn't have a car, and was living in a hotel. =p he took that as "stuff that would change," and made me feel comfortable with who i was at the time, and that those things weren't really any part of the person i was deep down. i got a car, which meant i could see him more often. =p he was also a pretty heavy smoker and wanted to quit. voicing his troubles with quitting didn't make me see him negatively; humans struggle from time to time. i don't expect people to be perfect, not even Dominants.

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ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

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ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

no. no they werent. =p 

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ORIGINAL: rulemylife

I'm still trying to figure out who came up with this WIITWD.

BDSM and D&S weren't good enough?

So someone had to invent this to sanitize it and make it sound cutesy?

quote:

ORIGINAL: stellauk
But it is also attracting the attention of the less savoury perhaps elements of society such as organized crime as well as a number of people who are not really interested in it but who have a vested interest in exploting it and the people in it to enable such people to grease themselves further through life at the expense of others.

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In marginalizing others, how much do we marginalize ourselves?

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How much do you feel negative traumatic experiences in life and emotional issues influence your interests and interactions and if they exist, how do they relate to one another?

quote:

You meet someone who you feel is good potential for a relationship, but they either have a significant emotional issue or are dealing with a major problem in life. How would that affect your decision over whether to get to know them or not?

quote:

Have you ever found yourself in unfortunate circumstances and/or having serious issues and had someone overlook them and continue to get to know you? Was there any relationship between that relationship and you overcoming your circumstances? What happened?

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Have you ever avoided entering relationships or have isolated yourself because of circumstances? Why?

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What do you pay attention to when getting to know someone? What are your dealbreakers? Red flags?

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How have socio-economic factors in your community impacted or affected how people go about WIITWD? What developments or changes have you yourself noticed? Are these changes positive or detrimental to WIITWD as a whole?

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Any other things that run through your mind concerning the above that you would like to share?

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You meet someone who you feel is good potential for a relationship, but they either have a significant emotional issue or are dealing with a major problem in life. How would that affect your decision over whether to get to know them or not?

quote:

ORIGINAL: stellauk

Some of you already know my opinions on 'The Lifestyle', how those experienced in WIITWD use the word in a different context to those just starting out, my scepticism of this being any sort of a 'community' of 'like-minded people' and my advocacy of Your Preferred Way over One True Way.

This is because I feel we are somewhat pushing the envelope in terms of our needs, wants and desires, the way we interact with others and the way we shape our own individual relationships and lifestyles. I feel that not many have the freedom to live without the compartmentalization of life forced upon the rest through the reality and circumstances of their lives - employment, family, friends, neighbours, and so forth.

Are we a more open-minded area of society? I feel that some of us would like to think so, that we are more aware, more open-minded, more accepting and I think part of this is because deep down, genuinely almost everyone here, no - everyone - every is in some way motivated in part to explore, investigate and discover that better person within.

But then again I don't think this is true entirely, and personally I feel that a number of people define a boundary between what is acceptable and what isn't and this boundary is a much more static boundary than a dynamic one.

How many times, for example have we read a thread started by someone obviously having some difficulty in a relationship, a dynamic, or wanting to do something that most would consider extreme, and we see a chorus of cries for 'get therapy', 'see a kink friendly counsellor'? And this coming from a collection of people who like to experience or inflict pain or suffering on others and get involve in stuff which would scare the crap out of many of those on OKCupid or AdultFriendFinder.

Then there's another aspect with I would like to throw in here, not just within WIITWD but also to take a look at the relationship between WIITWD and the rest of society. Times are changing, we appear to be in a period of social and economic transformation. It would appear that more and more people are struggling, some are working longer, some are struggling to find work or are forced into different jobs other than their chosen career path out of sheer necessity. Students are finding it harder to survive and there are a lot of people who are not working, on welfare, sick, long term sick, people going through divorce.

I have a personal theory for this. We are living in times of cultural decline. WIITWD as an element of culture which is both arguably a global culture and also a vast myriad of different subcultures. However unlike other area of culture which are declining, WIITWD is expanding. And it is expanding because many people from wider society are seeking new cultural interests and WIITWD fulfills that niche.

But it is also attracting the attention of the less savoury perhaps elements of society such as organized crime as well as a number of people who are not really interested in it but who have a vested interest in exploting it and the people in it to enable such people to grease themselves further through life at the expense of others.

I realize that I could potentially be opening a can of worms here where people do have quite strong opinions but not every topic on these boards has to be easy. I am aware that I am addressing a board on which people come to from all walks of life, at every level of society and that people come to these boards from all over the world.

I am not looking for this to become a free for all, slanging match 'us' versus 'them' or 'me' versus 'you, but I am looking for people to contribute to this thread based on their perception of WIITWD from their local perspective, complete with strong or unpopular opinions if necessary.

I'm looking for a thread which replaces all the whiny threads about tributes, scammers, 'do me' subs, 'do nothing' people, one with personal observations, experiences, accounts, horror stories, success stories..

.. and stuff I hope which is going to make others stop and think before jumping to conclusions.

Oh and if you are relating about specific events and exchanges please remember the TOS - I have no wish to be modspanked.

Okay, so some things to get you all thinking.

In marginalizing others, how much do we marginalize ourselves?

How much do you feel negative traumatic experiences in life and emotional issues influence your interests and interactions and if they exist, how do they relate to one another?

You meet someone who you feel is good potential for a relationship, but they either have a significant emotional issue or are dealing with a major problem in life. How would that affect your decision over whether to get to know them or not?

Have you ever found yourself in unfortunate circumstances and/or having serious issues and had someone overlook them and continue to get to know you? Was there any relationship between that relationship and you overcoming your circumstances? What happened?

Have you ever avoided entering relationships or have isolated yourself because of circumstances? Why?

What do you pay attention to when getting to know someone? What are your dealbreakers? Red flags?

How have socio-economic factors in your community impacted or affected how people go about WIITWD? What developments or changes have you yourself noticed? Are these changes positive or detrimental to WIITWD as a whole?

Any other things that run through your mind concerning the above that you would like to share?

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ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

I don't know how qualified I am to make statements about WIITWD or the Lifestyle.

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

To me , people who come asking for help on an online community probably have few people they can talk to about their issues - including bdsm related issues. If the issues seem important enough, or serious enough - or even potentually serious enough, i have been known to advocate therapy. Why?

Because I did three years of therapy and discovered enough about myself that i can choose, sustain and be involved in a relationship that involves bdsm with no harm to myself. There are a lot of people that haven't learnt how to do that yet, and if therapy helps - go for it.

I see more good coming from a completely objective advocate than from a bunch of strangers that don't get full back story and current details. Its easy to toss off one-liners online, but does it really do any good in the long run? Unless the help requester is uncommonly introspective, i think not.

Because of what we do can cause physical, mental and psychic pain, participants need to be as self aware as they can, and therapy was one of the best ways for me to get to that point.