A question of etiquette... (Full Version)

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CountryGrrl -> A question of etiquette... (5/5/2006 9:35:21 PM)

I've met someone here who I would like to meet in person and he feels the same.  He would be traveling quite a distance (about 2000 miles), by air of course, and would probably be here for at least three to four days.

What's the best way to handle this?  Since you can never be too careful with meeting people from online, I don't really want to invite him to my home until I know him better.  I'm also a little old fashioned, in that I have no intention of sleeping with him the first time we meet.  This would be just a get-acquainted meeting, and he's aware of this. 

Would it be rude to request he get a hotel room after traveling that distance just to meet me?  And how do you handle the awkward, end-of-the-evening parting, where I take my leave and send him to his hotel room alone?  If it were a matter of only a few hundred miles, that would be one thing...

In other words...how can I show him some hospitality without necessarily showin' him my tits?  [:D]



cacodylic -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/5/2006 10:20:30 PM)

Not rude at all -- pure common sense. I stayed in a hotel last year when I travelled 2500 miles to meet someone. After the first meeting, she chose to join me there. Trust your instincts!



BitaTruble -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/5/2006 11:26:00 PM)

I'm in agreement with Cacodylic. Let him get his own room. If you guys have great chemistry, you may just be watching the sun come up together after talking all night.

I hope you have a great time and everything works out for you two.

Celeste



obis -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 1:10:37 AM)

I would think he'd get a room by default, though you should certainly give him suggestions of which ones would be nice and nearby (in case you haven't shared your exact address -- don't want him getting a room halfway across town!). It's as much for his protection and comfort as yours, this way he has some private space even while visiting you, and it gives you a convenient location to meet until you feel comfortable inviting him to your home.

You'll handle the end of the evening like any other first date -- eventually he'll walk you to your car and, chemistry permitting, give you a long passionate kiss. Then he closes your car door for you, you drive home, and he returns to his room to toss and turn all night thinking about you! [:D]



Theo23 -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 1:18:52 AM)

Certainly would not be rude, you said that hes aware of your intentions. Him traveling all that way for somthing he thought was going to happen and being disapointed would be unpleasant. So long as youve been able to talk to him about it and have been honest, I can only imagine hed admire you sticking to your values. Good luck. :)



PAVANE -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 2:22:51 AM)

it wouldnt be rude at all. it would be safe and sensible.
probably the best thing to do is email him and let him know all this beforehand. explain very fully why you would want him to stay in a hotel etc of course.



RavenMuse -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 2:29:13 AM)

Heck it would be quite sensible for him too, after all, people can be quite diffrent in person than they seem on the net and at least a nice safe hotel gives him somewhere to escape too if you turn out to be some bunny boiler (Not saying you are dear, just the general princible of why it makes sense for the person doing the traveling).



JohnWarren -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 6:31:15 AM)

I'll second the consensus.  A hotel room is just common sense.  Not only might he not click with you, you might not click with him so it would be to his benefit.

[grin] If things do go wonderfully, hotels don't hold people to reservations and after a night or two, other arrangements could be made.



CountryGrrl -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 10:04:51 AM)

Thanks, everyone, for putting my mind at ease.  I really like this one and, while I don't want to seem too...er .... easy, I also don't want to seem too prudish.  [sm=whoa.gif]

LMAO @ Ravenmuse!  [sm=lol.gif]

<--Not a bunny boiler!  (Though I do see your point and it's a valid one!)

Now to just get past the first-meeting jitters... [sm=ugh.gif]




sabswife -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 11:38:00 AM)

i am not in the majority but i met my Dom after knowing Him for some time online and the connection and chemistry was instant as we expected it would be.  as we all know there are some real true genuine people out there and some of us are lucky enough to meet them :)

if a hotel room is what makes you comfortable then thats great, but in my experience it would have been a waste of money... hehe

i guess the short of what i am saying is good luck -- and i know how those jitters can be first hand, i hope that you find something as special as i did :)



CanadianGuy -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 11:53:38 AM)

I'd never get on a plane for a hug... but that's just me.  :)
I would definitely make sure he knows he's getting a hotel room, but if things go well maybe you'll stay over with him or something.



littleone35 -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 2:33:43 PM)

No way is it rude, like you i do not play on the first meeting.  Just because he is traveling all those miles does not mean you have to play.  Just make it clear like others said that he will be staying in a hotel and you are not planning on playing BEFORE he gets there.  However plans may change it things go really well.  Whish you the best of luck with your meeting.

Matt's littleone



KnightofMists -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 3:05:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CountryGrrl

I've met someone here who I would like to meet in person and he feels the same.  He would be traveling quite a distance (about 2000 miles), by air of course, and would probably be here for at least three to four days.

What's the best way to handle this?  Since you can never be too careful with meeting people from online, I don't really want to invite him to my home until I know him better.  I'm also a little old fashioned, in that I have no intention of sleeping with him the first time we meet.  This would be just a get-acquainted meeting, and he's aware of this. 

Would it be rude to request he get a hotel room after traveling that distance just to meet me?  And how do you handle the awkward, end-of-the-evening parting, where I take my leave and send him to his hotel room alone?  If it were a matter of only a few hundred miles, that would be one thing...

In other words...how can I show him some hospitality without necessarily showin' him my tits?  [:D]



I do believe its very important to keep in perspective what your relationship is and the purpose of the meeting in the first place.  These answer are from your perspective not the person you shall be meeting.

Establish your Goal of the meet!  IE. To get to know each other in a face to face context!

Set the limits of what you will NOT DO!  IE... no play/sex - DO NOT MOVE ON THESE!

Establish activites that WILL do that will meet the goal you have set!  IE... go for dinner, movie, a munch etc.

Now Communicate this to the person in question.

Remember nothing you desire for your comfort level is out of the question.  If you don't want to commit to bringing him to your home... THEN DON'T.  If the this person is upset by this... then tell him to move on!  He might undersand that he is no danger etc etc etc... but he must beable to appreciate your situation and what you actually know... not what just what he tells you.  Communicate LIMITS... Communicate Options you would do... Then watch his reaction and actions... Is he respecting your LIMITS?  His he Pushing them?  is his actions betraying his words?

good luck



CountryGrrl -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 5:31:30 PM)

quote:

if a hotel room is what makes you comfortable then thats great, but in my experience it would have been a waste of money... hehe


If that happens, it happens and I'm fine with it.  I just don't want him to come here with that expectation because you just never know how these things are going to go. 

quote:

I'd never get on a plane for a hug... but that's just me.  :)


See, that's what I'm sayin!  I was expecting a lot more of that type of response.  Play partners are a dime a dozen and what I'm looking for is something that will last and endure.  And while traveling 2000 miles to meet someone may seem extraordinary, it does not automatically entitle you to the use of her body, at least not without prior negotiation.  In fact, I think you'd have to be pretty desperate to travel all that distance just for sex.  But hey, that's just me. [sm=tongue.gif]

That's actually the reason I started this thread.  I've already communicated all of this to him, i.e., he knows there will be no play the first time we meet, and he's fine with it.  But there was that part of me who (because of people like CanadianGuy) felt that because he was traveling so far, that somehow obligated me to put out.  I'm very happy to see that that attitude seems to be in the minority here. 

Then again, I may get a much different response if I posted this in the Ask A Master section! 

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa....I'll leave well enough alone.  [sm=lol.gif]

In any case, as KnightofMists and many others have pointed out, communication is the key.  I know what my boundaries are and how to communicate them clearly so there are no surprises on either end. 

Thanks for all the well wishes, everybody! 



ChainedExistence -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 7:45:13 PM)

Hey...can't a woman change her mind?? If she wants to stick to her guns, fine..but she may well decide not to. I didn't intend on playing with Master as early as I did...but it felt right to me when it happened, and it's certainly turned out well. He was ready to respect my wishes, but I felt comfortable with him much earlier than I expected.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Set the limits of what you will NOT DO!  IE... no play/sex - DO NOT MOVE ON THESE!




krikket -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 7:53:15 PM)

i had been corresponding with a Dom who lived far enough away that our first meeting would have required one of to fly to the other's home.  He wanted me to fly to his home, which was okay, but when i asked about hotel reservations at a place that was "reasonably priced" i was informed that i would "of course" be staying with him.  Although i tried to explain why that wasn't a good idea (that i could be the axe murder as well as he..lol) he became extremely upset, told me that i "had" to stay with him.  After a few more e-mails, i ended things.  It seemed the wisest thing to do then, and this thread had made me feel ever better about it..

Thanks y'all :)




LadyHugs -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/6/2006 8:15:27 PM)

Dear CountryGrrl, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
When an individual is making the trip, the time and the expense to come to your location for a meeting, this individual is at the mercy of the host/hostess' knowledge of the area, food and what is available for entertainment and such.
 
I would make sure that he has transportation, even be the driver.  Have the hotel reservations made and advise the clerks that you both will be using screen names as to protect each other's privacy.  You would be surprised how common this is done.
 
Being as concerned for his safety and welfare, is just as important as you should be about your safety and welfare.  Being considerate means so very much.
 
I would still (as a male or female) have check in/safe calls.  I know women are keen on safety and men seem to be left on their own on this issue of safety. 
 
Do see if there are any BDSM activities and or events that you can attend, without having to play per se.  If not, points of interests, such as historical sites, movies, etc. might be nice.  Know what allergies and food sensitivities he may have, that way nobody is put into an awkward position at a diner.
 
It can also be considered renting a different room for him and different room for you.  Some have adjoining rooms.
 
Most of all -- be safe, have a good time and best wishes.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs



fyreredsub -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/7/2006 9:06:36 AM)

everyone has offered good advice.
to this girl safety is paramount and clear established boundaries seemed to have been discussed before hand.
good luck
wishing you well



slaverosebeauty -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/7/2006 9:28:14 AM)

If a guy travels to me, he has to stay in ahotel, since I have a small child, I don't need my munchkin seeing someone at home that is not a permanent fixture in our lives. If I travel to him, 9 out of 10 times I wills tay wih him, more of a mutual decision than anything, besides, no munchkin around.

I have a tendancy to play with men during an inital meet, but tat comes after a lot of email, and IMs and phone conversations at length about everything from safwords to safe calls to limits and vanilla topics.

In the saftey forum, I posted a few ideas if you are worried about saftey and the like, or you can email me and I will send you a copy.

Good Luck. :o)



TexasMaam -> RE: A question of etiquette... (5/7/2006 10:15:39 AM)

At the risk of overstating the obvious:
1.yes, it's to be expected that he'll spring for his own room,
2. be sure you have a safe call set up in advance!

Have your safe call person, phone, etc. handy at all times.  Let them know what hotel he's at, his name, the room number, everything you know about him.  Have them call you at pre arranged times, with a code word in place for them to know everything is going smoothly.

Keep your safe call aware of every plan and destination you are headed to with him, how long you will be there, etc., until you get to know this person; don't be tempted to throw caution to the wind and go on an impromptu detour from your scheduled itenerary. 

That way if anything untowards happens, your safe call will have all of the information they need to find you safe and sound.

Good luck,

TexasMaam




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