hausboy
Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
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Heya Maxsg/b-
First, take a nice deep breath and look at the bigger picture-- you have a wonderful man, who is going to marry you soon, who adores you and loves you for who you are, how you are, kinks and all....gender and all. It's not a fluke. Not a miracle. It's just a good, good thing.....I haven't met him yet but I'm willing to bet he just plain loves you, and what makes you different from other people may even part of what he finds so damn wonderful about you. You are not a freak, well...not in the bad way ... this is CollarMe, after all.... but you have tremendous value and gifts as a person and there is a place for you. If you aren't getting that support where you are now....you may need to do a little more exploring to seek out people who will accept you for you.
I completely understand the gender thing. 30 was my magic number too, ironically. I started cross-living (unintentionally) at a very young age--and then deliberately cross-living at 21. Even though I cross-lived--I identified as a genderqueer, a boi, ambiguous, stone butch, androgyne, even as a "teenage" boy for a short period--nothing felt right. I felt ostracized in the women's/dyke community.... I loved gay men and a good number of my closest friends were gay boys....but in the end, they couldn't get beyond my parts, and they still saw me a something different. The straight world had no place for me at the time--I just felt like I was sitting on my own island. I was very vocal about NOT transitioning--about living a life without surgeries or hormones....so I wasn't exactly welcomed into the FTM community either. I proudly wore my title: FREAK. It was California--I found plenty of other genderqueer, androgynous freaks and formed our own little freaky family for a while.
My roommates were all pagans and a few practicing witches, so I'm a bit surprised that you haven't found any support within that community, but won't discount your experiences there. Baltimore is not San Fran, that's for sure. For me, for so many years, the only place I found any support, solace and safety was in the leather community. The queer leather community accepted me completely for who I was--would call me whatever I wanted--and allowed me safe space to indulge myself to be anyone and anything. I could come to the dungeon with a theatre moustache and an oversized dick one week.....a pink tutu the next. No one cared--viva la difference.
And all through my 20's living in SF, I seemed to be in a perpetual state of pissed off-- I'd get called "she" in one part of town where I didn't pass a boy....and it made me mad. Then I'd go cross town....pass as a boy...but get harassed by the shops because they thought I was some little 15 year punk-boy coming into their store to do some shoplifting. I'd leave pissed. I remember one night after my BDSM AA/NA meeting (gawd I miss that group!), we all had dinner at a local diner. Someone referred to me as "he"....a close friend said "oh, what the hell? when you change to male pronouns?" and I sat while the entire table debated what to call me. I was just sick of it. It was in my face, every single day, without any respite. "He" didn't fit....I hated the "she" pronoun.... and each year that went by, it just seemed like the war between my body and my brain got more and more vicious.
When I hit 30--I went through my "saturn's return" and my whole life was just shook upside down. For me (and this is ME. You will need to find your own path, and there are many different paths to take) I finally decided that my decision to live "as is" and not transitioning was no longer working and I had to do what I had sworn up, down, sideways and to hundreds of people, publicly, that I'd never do--transition. There are other options--some easier than others--you'll just have to determine what option works best for you for the "here and now." It may change down the road, give yourself plenty of slack.
Be kind to yourself, embrace this great guy you have who loves you--I have many FTM friends in gay relationships so if you ever get that voice in your head that says "how can he love me when my parts don't match what gay men want" I'll let you talk to some true blue certifiable gay boys who are in loving, committed relationships with FTMs in various stages of transition with every configuration under the sun. Love is love. (parts are just parts)
And really. I *do* owe you guys a cuppa coffee--CMail me your schedules and we'll all have some java.
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I don't know what I am - 
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