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creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:25:07 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

OK I did a search for 'horror stories' and what I got was an entire website of creepy masturbatin stories and even worse, a page full of tips ... So here are a few of my favorites ... (Totally grossed me out!)

Masturbate using a squid. That's right. That slimy purplish squid. It'll feel just like your second skin. Pull off its head and clean its insides. Slip your cock right into the squid and start shaking till you blow your cum in it.

Hold your keybord vertically and put the edge on top of your pussy. Gently glide it up and down. Start slowly and then go faster. If you do it too fast you could hurt yourself, so watch out. Find your most sensitive spot and rub the keyboard against it. You'll get a instant orgasm!

Buy a large ham hock. Cut a hole in it lengthwise, smaller than your cock (can be small, the meat stretches). Put it in a plastic bag and microwave to warm. Put the ham hock (still in the plastic bag) between pillows. couch, bed our anything cock level. Find the hole and drill the hell out of it. The fat of the ham hock warms up and gets greasy. Rinse and store in fridge. No ones the wiser. Also, I unwind twine cut in small lengths and tape it all around the hole. Feels like pubes on your cock and balls.

So do *you* have any ... tips?

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

Post #: 1

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:28:31 PM

MistressWolfen

Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

omg those are too creepy...*weirded out giggle*

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Quoth the raven

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RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:32:37 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

also from that site ...

Kielbasa Queen

When I was 19 I got drunk by myself. I was feeling really horny, and since I did not have a boyfriend at the time, I went to the fridge to look for something to masturbate with. All I found was a sausage, the kind that is about one and half inches around. I used that in both my vagina and ass and then passed out. The next morning I woke up and could tell I had something inside of me in both orifices, the back was easy to clear, I just used the bathroom. But when I tried to get the sausage out of my pussy I couldn't, it had broken off inside of me. After much trying with my fingers, I finally got scared and went to the hospital. So embarrassing, it just had to be a male doctor take it out.... Well now I only use my fingers....

Feel the Heat

Having discovered the pleasures of minty things like Altoids on my cock, I got to thinking about what the "other side" might be like.

So, I poured a couple of drops of Tabasco sauce on the head of my dick and started to wank. it was feeling good, so I poured several more drops on my dick AND my ball sack. it felt absolutely tremendous when I came, but unfortunately the Tabasco was just getting started. long story short, I had to spent over an hour in the shower trying in vain to douse the heat, which felt like a fire consuming every inch of my genitals for the duration. it was NOT worth it!

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 3

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:34:02 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

Hmmm... darq, that is really far out there. I wonder how much a scented keyboard goes for on e-bay, lol.

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Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 4

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:47:21 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

LOL Loki!

That hadn't occured to me.

I actually got banned from ebay for trying to sell myself as a virtual girlfriend but I'm sure one of the other ladies could try and let us know how it works out.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)

Post #: 5

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:49:59 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

Thats a cute idea darq. I remember the guy who sold his family, he was on the news and everyone thought it was funny. WTF??? Maybe you should have sold youreslf as a virtual slave.

I Bid $1.00

< Message edited by Wulfchyld -- 5/6/2006 4:51:18 PM >

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 6

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:54:36 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

As a virtual girlfriend I was up to $100 before ebay called the whole thing off.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)

Post #: 7

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:56:08 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

$2.00 then. It's a whole new auction baby!

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 8

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:56:38 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

I actually got banned from ebay for trying to sell myself as a virtual girlfriend but I'm sure one of the other ladies could try and let us know how it works out.

You got banned from eBay? I got bought on eBay by my last owner. Course he was really bidding on the flogger against me, but since he had more money than me he won the auction. I only hooked up with him so he could beat me with the flogger he outbid me on. We've joked since then that he "bought me on eBay".

< Message edited by wytchywoman -- 5/6/2006 4:57:32 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 9

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 4:59:09 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

Yes, wytchy ...

Although my listing never once mentioned sex, I was informed that it was illegal to sell sexual services through ebay and was banned. I could probably register another account but I havent bothered trying.

Essentially it was a 'virtual girlfriend for valentine's day' ... I offered 30 days of phone calls, emails, pictures, etc. At the end of 30 das you could either dump me or pay for another 30 days. LOL

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 10

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:01:27 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

$2.00 then. It's a whole new auction baby!

I got $2.00 .. .Do I hear $3.00?

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)

Post #: 11

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:05:03 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

Hmmm... darq, that is really far out there. I wonder how much a scented keyboard goes for on e-bay, lol.

Loki,

I sold mine for ummm. Well I saw a scented keyboard go for $133.00 but I think that was to cheap.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to Wulfchyld)

Post #: 12

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:06:28 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

LOL

Thats soooo bizarre.

It looks like I'm missing out on a gold mine here.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to wytchywoman)

Post #: 13

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:09:49 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

Hey darq, what page is auction close? 5-10?

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 14

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:12:26 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

Uhm ...

Wait, I'm for sale? LOL

Well since I'll be a virtual slave, I reckon it won't kill me.

Unless my Master decides to lop my virtual head off ...

Omg I better be a good slave then!

Pick a page, Mr Loki since you started the bidding ... lol

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)

Post #: 15

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:13:11 PM

orfunboi

Posts: 1223
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

$3.00 .....

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 16

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:14:52 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

Last bid post on page 10 gets you for thirty days. If they paypal you or MO, whatever you will be virtual slave for 30 days. Chat, mail, cam, calls, you tell me what you slavery will be.

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 17

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:15:03 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

WE HAVE $3.00!!!! Yay!

*waits for Loki to pick a point where the bidding will end and hopes for $4.00*

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to orfunboi)

Post #: 18

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:18:07 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

Does this make me a cyber pro?

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 19

RE: creepy masturbation tips - 5/6/2006 5:19:44 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

-passes out popcorn to the folks watching the auction-

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 20

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