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Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 4:56:59 AM

Asherscorp1

Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline

I am wondering if any other subs ever feel that they are just not being challenged by their Doms? I have a wonderful Master and we are very happy together but I feel like a racehorse being made to give kiddie rides at the petting zoo. I am not challenged and I feel coddled. M does try to address this but I am starting to wonder if perhaps he is just not sadistic enough to satisfy my needs when it comes to pain or intensity. We have talked about it but it just doesn't seem to get any better. I am so frustrated with the gentle treatment I could scream and I just want to hear if anyone else has dealt with this and how they got through it.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

Post #: 1

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 7:21:09 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I've seen this come up on the boards from time to time, it isn't easy feeling dissatisfied with something so important to the relationship. The two of you might not be a good match overall when it comes down to it, some things can be worked on if both parties are willing to try and maybe both will have to sacrifice if they do want to keep the relationship.

I'd say you have to pretty much tell him what you've said here because it seems as though it is frustrating you enough that you may not be fulfilled and ultimately at some point choose to leave if it's not addressed. You say you've tried talking to him, have you told him in a way that really expresses how severe the problem is? Something along the lines of "We've discussed this, I really don't see much change overall and it continues to frustrate me as I truly want this relationship, but this is something I need to have from you. We sincerely need to address this, what can we do in the way of problem solving?"

When my partner and I are together doing kinky things and we talk about what we did later on, sometimes he is amazed by my input, he saw it as something completely different at the time. For this reason, we have discussions after every time we play- it's a rule. After a session last month I told him I was close to safewording over what he was doing to my nipples while I could've taken much more on the backside. He was shocked, thought the nipple torture wasn't much of anything, and he also thought he was really pushing the line with the spanking. We've been together for 2 years, he knows me pretty well. Maybe something was different in my body chemistry that day or who knows, but while we enjoyed ourselves immensely, we didnt quite match up in how we perceived what happened. Your man may think he's doing what you want, but to you, it's a drop in the bucket. He needs to know that the things he is doing aren't pushing your buttons. How long have you been together?

M/s, D/s - it's a type of relationship but it's still a relationship. You both need to be happy, it's not easy to ask for the things that make you happy at times. I'm horrible at it and I need to get better. I'm not doing my partner any favors when he thinks he's making me the happiest woman in the world and he's really not. I need to speak up and let him know what the reality is. If however this is something that comes up and is spoken of often between the two of you, then I'm not sure what else to do except for to you impress upon him the importance of the subject. If you both sincerely address it and it isn't budging, the relationship might not be the right thing. There are fewer things that are worse than pouring your heart and soul into something that is never going to work out in the end.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 2

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 7:21:30 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. However, I am his to do with as he pleases, which means if he wants to coddle me, then I must accept it. In fact, I'd go so far as to say being coddled has been my greatest challenge.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 3

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 9:47:19 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1

I am wondering if any other subs ever feel that they are just not being challenged by their Doms? I have a wonderful Master and we are very happy together but I feel like a racehorse being made to give kiddie rides at the petting zoo. I am not challenged and I feel coddled. M does try to address this but I am starting to wonder if perhaps he is just not sadistic enough to satisfy my needs when it comes to pain or intensity. We have talked about it but it just doesn't seem to get any better. I am so frustrated with the gentle treatment I could scream and I just want to hear if anyone else has dealt with this and how they got through it.

Greetings,

I can't speak to your situation because you'd know its composition far better than I. But I will acknowledge the importance of compatibility in certain areas to alleviate the feelings expressed. That's a given. However, what I've observed is a different phenomenon among some submissive parties that I don't agree with. From my perspective, I can never 'race ahead' of my Keeper since he determines the cadence. He's the leader and I am the willing subordinate and I mean that in the literal sense. What that implies is my willingness to adhere to his pace, even when I may wish to go to a different point. I trust, and I do mean trust in his guidance. I'm restating that for a reason.

As the Owner it is not his duty to outline everything to his property. He may choose to involve me in the schematics or elect to impose them without my knowledge or input. This is why it's of profound importance that you select someone that will always rule with your best interest at heart. But best doesn't mean 'my way' or 'my time table' either. It suggests that in the grand scheme of things his decision-making impacts us for the better.

I return to your original remarks and I'm left with a resounding thought. Your verbiage has placed this situation squarely in your partner's lap and lent the idea that his deficiency (as perceived by you) is the root cause of your current state. I find it most intriguing that you've accepted no responsibility for your predicament. Or posited that his behavior has changed or dropped off during the partnership. Which brings me back to my opening comments.

You made a decision and if the gentleman chosen wasn't sadistic, it would seem that was apparent far earlier than present. Perhaps you should revisit the real motivations behind your selection and consider if they've lost their luster in the current climate. Something has changed. Maybe it isn't the area you've been focusing on that demands a closer inspection. Best of luck.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 4

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 10:33:32 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1
I am wondering if any other subs ever feel that they are just not being challenged by their Doms?

Carol has mentioned this twice. IN her case, it wasn't about an internal M/s thing but more about external leadership towards life goals. She just goes ahead and mentions it when I'm not moving as fast as she'd like. I suppose that in the end if we were not able to come to a meeting of the minds on this then it would be a serious problem not only for our dynamic but for our marriage.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 5

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 3:10:15 PM

Asherscorp1

Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline

I have tried to center myself by focusing on just being his. This is not my pace, it is his pace, not my choices but his choices. The problem with that is I don't know where they are leading to. M is not a planned out or specific person. He may know what he wants in his own mind but he doesn't express to me what he expects of me. If I had things that were constant, such as knowing that certain actions definitely were done at his behest to please him and fulfill my role in this relationship it would give me an external focus to alleviate some of this frustration. For the most part I just do what I think would make me a desireable submissive partner and hope that it meshes with whatever M would feel on the matter. Since he does not correct my behavior, I must assume I am doing things right. This might work wonderfully for other subs but to me it is awful. I very much need structure, not rigid, constant unyielding structure but at least a detailed frame-work to hang my actions upon. I have expressed this to him and he has not addressed it. I keep doing everything I can to make myself more attuned to his needs and desires but I am starting to feel after a year as though I am shooting in the dark. That sort of insecurity mixed with the fact that I am also just not being utilized to my full potential is what finally made me post here about it. Unfortunately I think that Lizi is probably right. As compatible as we are and as well as we fit together the bottom line may be that it's not good enough for both of us to be really fulfilled by it.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 6

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 3:17:19 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1
Unfortunately I think that Lizi is probably right. As compatible as we are and as well as we fit together the bottom line may be that it's not good enough for both of us to be really fulfilled by it.

Perhaps. Now, this may just be my viewpoint since I obviously don't have any issue controlling other people. But still, it seems kind of improbable to me that there isn't some sort of compromise here. I mean honestly, he's got a woman willing to serve him and all he needs to do is give some specifics to it? Sheez, I could pen up a "weekly chores list" or somesuch in about 10 minutes.

More concerning to me is the fact that such a thing is needful at all. I find bajillions of reasons to tell Carol to do stuff every day. And heck, our life is currently about as boring as it gets. But even with the both of us being retired, there's still "crap that must be done" and I generally direct it. Each day starts out with a little prep meeting. "OK, mine... what are you tracking that needs to get done today? Here's what I have too. OK, so today I want you to get x,y, and z done and make sure you're in a good mood come about 3:00pm or so because I'll want have sex then most likely."

Every day is not micromanaged, but it's definitely managed. It doesn't really take a lot of effort.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 7

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 3:35:56 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm happy as a clam that Master isn't the challenging sort. We seem to be pretty compatible. I've had far more challenges in my life that I really have zero desire for anymore.

To me it sounds more like a compatibility issue than anything else.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 3/21/2011 3:38:39 PM >

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 8

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 3:48:34 PM

oceanwynds2

Posts: 66
Joined: 1/8/2011
Status: offline

I am speaking for myself, and this is something i had to strip away and look at this past week and weekend. Control and trying to find a loop-hole where i can get in and snatch it back. Things have to be on my timetable, in my goal sheet, etc, etc and this for sure is me not commiting to obeying. i think with this mind-set i am working against the whole...and i need to take a fish net and grab my ego and settle down.

blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 9

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 5:09:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Instead of doing what you think a good sub should do, ask him. Do you want me to guess your needs and have it all ready or do you want me to wait until you tell me what to do? In a situation such as x, how do you want me to handle it?

He may not be able to verbalize it until you ask specific questions. You can get the structure you need but you'll need to elicit it one question at a time.

As far as play goes, have you joined your local community? Because you could play hard in public with others while going home with him. And he could learn from watching exactly how much harder is enough. If this isn't an option, can you say to him "harder please". And tell him that what he's doing is a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10 and you would be happier at 7.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to oceanwynds2)

Post #: 10

RE: Challenges ... - 3/21/2011 5:49:39 PM

frazzle

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

Is this about his sadistic side or the control. They are diferent.

Do you want more pain play, or to be micromanaged??

We cant answer either way, you need to talk to him.

The gist i get from your post is that you do talk, but you dont know what you want, nor does he know what he wants. Until that is resolved, nothing else will be.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 11

RE: Challenges ... - 3/22/2011 12:05:30 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

OP - I have absolutely felt the way you do.

As I evolved into the person I am within the bdsm world I had relationships with several guys. Each of these guys was wonderful, but each lacked something important that I discovered I needed.

One was controlling, but not sadistic.
One was sadistic, but not controlling.
One was sadistic and controlling, but as he felt more and more for me, he couldn't bring himself to beat me as hard or give me orders.

Now I'm with a guy who expresses his feelings towards me by being more sadistic and more controlling, because he knows that floats my boat.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have a decision to make. If this guy is wonderful BUT...and nothing is changing, can you live with how things are now? Or is it time to find someone more suited to your needs? Whatever you choose, I wish you luck

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 12

RE: Challenges ... - 3/22/2011 1:37:40 AM

CherryNeko

Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline

I don't feel anything similar. I feel we're going too fast and it's sometimes scary, but we get by and it's been so fluffy. You look back and sometimes feel stupid because you were scared of something so... well... stupid!
They know what they're doing... and besides, maybe he's just tired, but well, why don't you tell him again? Ask the reason why things have not changed, and ask if there's something he wants to tell you.
You two need to communicate.

_____________________________

How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 13

RE: Challenges ... - 3/22/2011 2:12:27 PM

Asherscorp1

Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: "I mean honestly, he's got a woman willing to serve him and all he needs to do is give some specifics to it? Sheez, I could pen up a "weekly chores list" or somesuch in about 10 minutes."

Lol. So could I but that's not the type of person M is.

ORIGINAL: frazzle "Is this about his sadistic side or the control. They are diferent."
It's both. If I don't have a clear external focus such as specific behaviors I know are expected then I feel like all of this intense energy dedicated to submitting just sort of sits there unacknowleged. Then I channel that into our play time because it's the one time I really get to revel in Master's control of me. If play time isn't all that intense I feel like that energy still hasn't found a release and I am keyed up and utterly frustrated. If one were addressed I could deal with the other although ideally they both will be improved upon.

We have spent the last two days discussing this, everything from why I feel this way to what I can do better to considering taking a break from this whole dynamic (that idea lasted two minutes) and I think we are finally getting to something near the same page or at least beginning to understand each other. Thank you all for the input, it has given me a lot to think on and I know M and I working on this will come to an arrangement that suits both of us.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

(in reply to CherryNeko)

Post #: 14

RE: Challenges ... - 3/22/2011 2:56:48 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1
We have spent the last two days discussing this, everything from why I feel this way to what I can do better to considering taking a break from this whole dynamic (that idea lasted two minutes) and I think we are finally getting to something near the same page or at least beginning to understand each other. Thank you all for the input, it has given me a lot to think on and I know M and I working on this will come to an arrangement that suits both of us.

Yay!

:) In my experience oft-times it comes down to just that. Sitting down with each other and being too stubborn to get up and too stubborn to give up until you get somewhere.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 15

RE: Challenges ... - 3/23/2011 3:08:26 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

Yes i can relate to your problem, sometimes it is awfully frustrating...
you can of course find a new man, but you'll only run into another set of problems eventually, it is usually better the devil you know, compromise and fix things... although that is often temporarily anyway... the same old shit always seems to hit the fan again at some point...

Maybe you and him can agree to play a game where he allows you to 'top from the bottom' and he will respond to your request for hitting you harder... call it bluff lets see who bows out first

Make your own lists of chores and give him a copy and ask if he will be so good as to check if you have actually done all these things and punish you appropriately if you fail to do your own bidding without a good reason.

be inventive do not expect everything solely from him.... if your man does not work you hard enough it is your duty to yourself get him to step up to the challenge you need... otherwise eventually you will look for another...

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 16

RE: Challenges ... - 3/23/2011 3:12:28 PM

Herbabygirl

Posts: 21
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline

Have you tried telling your Master? Perhaps you two aren't meant for each other. If after you talk to your Master and nothing changes perhaps you should find a new one. What you crave and desire as a slave isn't going to change no matter how much you love or want to please your Master. It's hard to change yourself and usually not worth it to try .

< Message edited by Herbabygirl -- 3/23/2011 3:13:23 PM >

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 17

RE: Challenges ... - 4/2/2011 2:25:21 PM

startoverslave

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/15/2009
Status: offline

I have fetl this way until I just reccently met my Masterfull Daddy Morgrade :D You are not alone and I think in my experience as well as in yours that you and your partner have genuine incompatibility issues. Keep in mind you are never young enough to settle.

(in reply to Herbabygirl)

Post #: 18

RE: Challenges ... - 4/2/2011 11:39:22 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Hell, just putting up with me is a challenge. Why do I need to give her more?

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to startoverslave)

Post #: 19

RE: Challenges ... - 4/3/2011 12:05:34 AM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. However, I am his to do with as he pleases, which means if he wants to coddle me, then I must accept it. In fact, I'd go so far as to say being coddled has been my greatest challenge.

This is pretty spot on - the rest of it about compatibility is true as well, but if you are truly his then it's his privilege to coddle you or push you as he sees fit. The coddling itself is a challenge in a very real sense, because it leaves you desperate for more when he has satisfied his needs. His control lies not in taking you to your extremes, but in taking from you what he desires and nothing more.

If that's not enough for you, perhaps you should seek either an M who has a more violent style, or else a more service-oriented D who is willing to play your limits for your enjoyment. There's no shame in either - it's simply a matter of finding the situation that makes you happy.

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 20

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