RE: i dont understand

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windchymes -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 4:40:46 PM)
I'm having a little problem with the idea that you've been his girlfriend for 3 years, live together, but you're "under consideration" to see if you're "worthy" to be his submissive or slave. This to me reeks of chatroom BDSM and the possibililty that he's doing the online fantasy thing, and as long as he keeps you "under consideration", that gives him justification in his own mind to "explore the possibilities" online. I mean, since you're the live-in girlfriend for three years, and he's looking a worthy sub, I think you'd have first dibs on that. What is he doing to help you become worthy? And, if he decides you're not worthy, what then? You get to keep living with him along with the responbilities that come along with that while he plays M/s games, continuing his quest for the worthy sub???

MzReel4Real -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 4:52:26 PM)
If after three years, he doesn't find you worthy NOW...than hello? Why invest anymore than you have already emotionally invested? I would clearly and respectfully ask him exactly what that statement means to him.....give him a chance to explain and if he can't do any better than your answer...."I want to be sub"....it is timem to seriously start packing. Or is he saying that you must find yourself worthy...which is a whole nother kettle of fish. So start at the beginning with communicating...but he has no right to rob you of your self worth, nor of your self esteem...unless you allow it, and embrace it. Not worthy indeed.

DesFIP -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 4:57:23 PM)
It sounds to me as though he has zero experience, is afraid to admit it, has read about 'collars of consideration' on literotica and thinks this is what he's supposed to say. I suggest you both start reading books and websites such as here or fetlife, not porn or fiction, and start going to your local munch to see how other people operate. And that he stops pretending he knows what he's doing and the two of you instead explore together. As far as your issues, professional help. M/s or d/s won't cure them anymore than they can cure an inflamed appendix.

angelikaJ -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 5:16:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i am trying to understand this lifestyle but having trouble grasping everything. Master told me last week we would have a talk on Sunday at 2:30. He asked me what i wanted. i told him that i wanted to be his sub. Then he said that i was still under consideration until i was worthy Is this normal? He needs to at least communicate what "worthy" means to him. However, what he neglected to emphasize to you is that "under consideration" is a 2 way street. He is under your consideration as well. The problem is that it isn't a very fair game if only one person has all the pieces or if only one person knows all the rules.

subsfaith -> RE: i dont understand (3/24/2011 12:56:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP It sounds to me as though he has zero experience, is afraid to admit it, has read about 'collars of consideration' on literotica and thinks this is what he's supposed to say. Ditto to this. OP: Is it normal for a sub to be under consideration? For some yes, some no. As DesFIP above pointed out, it appears to be driven by inexperience at face value. But you asking this question leads to bigger points. It is clear you don't understand this playground for your words are misleading, e.g. He wants 'M/s' and you want to be his 'sub'. The 's' in M/s means 'slave', not 'sub'. Which makes me think when you are discussing this with him, you will never understand each other because when you say one thing when he means another. Educate yourself, read, and arm yourself with information. When you have done this, you need to then discuss it further to ensure he too has educated himself and understand what you are talking about. There is also the point of what you want to consider. Now you have said you want to be his sub, but do you actually know what this means? Of course you know what this means to you, but what does it mean to him? Whilst you could think that it means he will get to have his say on what you do and you then get to choose your own course of action, he could think that his word is final and you will do what he says. Now this might all seem like nit-picking, but it is important. You are building a relationship and the details need to be worked out. You wouldn't build a house without detailed drawings, a relationship is the same. And please bear in mind this isn't a one time conversation, as you develop and grow this conversation will develop and grow too. As for fixing your issues quicker, the process of D/s or M/s may strengthen your relationship and mask the symptoms of you issues, but the only thing that will speed up the resolution of your issues is for you to work harder. In my experience, having the support of a good man who cares about you is a huge help, so be thankful and ask for help. Good luck in your journey.

sunshinemiss -> RE: i dont understand (3/24/2011 6:59:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i was told that they he was going to see if i was worthy to be his sub. i have been worthy of being his girlfriend for the last 3 years. This deserves a big ole WTF!? And honey, if you aren't giving it a big ole WTF!? then maybe you best be looking in the mirror. eta: <<< feeling a need to start a "WTF Quote of the Day"

kiwisub12 -> RE: i dont understand (3/24/2011 4:29:31 PM)
Agree with windchymes. I would have to wonder if the bf even knows what he is saying - as in, is he just saying that you are under consideration because he thinks he needs to play mind games with you to be a "true" dom.

crystalclarinet -> RE: i dont understand (3/24/2011 8:43:06 PM)
This smells of A. someone who has no idea what they are doing or B. someone who is a D bag. Communication is key.... People think that BDSM solves things, it never does, because when my previous boyfriend and I decided that we should delve into it I had a break down where he decided to push the issue and lets say it didn't end well for anyone because I got physical with him because he thought he was supposed to push me when I started crying in a certain way. If you have been in a serious relationship for a long time then maybe BDSM is the next step, but not if hes using it as an excuse to solve the problems that have been underlying from the beginning.

txurinal -> RE: i dont understand (4/3/2011 7:35:47 AM)
I agree with others here that 3 years is plenty of time to decide whether or not you are "worthy" and also whether or not he is worthy of you I do think there is a time for getting to know each other and being with each other to see if it works. And it has to work for both. The DOM and the sub must each get something they need and want from the relationship. When i was being considered by my MASTERS as an addition to THEIR household, we went through about a 6 month "getting to know each other period". All of us knew within these 6 months if we wanted this to happen. You have to look into your self and say will this make me happy? Subs are human and have feelings and personally, if after a 3 year period i was still not yet considered "worthy" then i would think maybe it is time to cut my losses and look elsewhere. A DOM has to be worth of HIS sub and maybe this guy is just not worthy of you. i am sure you have a lot to offer the right DOM and many should be willing to commit at some reasonable point. i alway hate it when i am treated like a horse with the carrot dangling just out of reach. i think at some point even the dumbest horse (and i am in no way implying you are dumb) will realize he is never going to get that carrot and has to decide whether or not to keep after it or to head in a different direction.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: i dont understand (4/3/2011 8:28:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i am trying to understand this lifestyle but having trouble grasping everything. Master told me last week we would have a talk on Sunday at 2:30. He asked me what i wanted. i told him that i wanted to be his sub. Then he said that i was still under consideration until i was worthy Is this normal? Tell him the following: Given you're still "under consideration", you'll also be "considering" other Doms/Masters who already feel you "worthy". I'll bet ya a million dollars he'll so suddenly find you "worthy" that your head will spin!!! [:D] The "under consideration" thing is total bullshit, and a certain red flag you've found a newbie pretending to be something he's not... but that's another thread. [8\|]

randsboy -> RE: i dont understand (4/15/2011 3:56:13 PM)
Very normal. My Master of 12 years. required that we talk by phone extensively. Then it was a weekend 24/7. Followed by a full week 24/7 and always being there for Him. Eventually i relocated to His home and became not only His 24/7/365 slave, but His companion to important fuctions of State (yes, of State) and keeping His home clean always. As well as keeping myself clean. (for which i use 2 standard hot water bottle/enemas tied together or a 1 gallon bottle/enema or a 2.5 gallon bottle/enema. This last is a real challenge)

LazyKitten -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 12:30:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc Wwe have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and have spent most of that time living together. i have issues that i need to work on and he thought that if we started a M/s relationship that it would make these issues resolved faster. I hate to say it, but you are giving the milk away for free. If you are STILL under consideration and he knew you for 3 years before this, he has NO INTENT of you being anything more than you are. I am on the other side of the extreme. I was never under consideration. My Owner accepted me into service before I went to his home. We only had a few vanilla encounters to get to know each other. It did help that my Sister has known me for 2 years, but he did not.

CherryNeko -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 5:16:22 AM)
No, I wouldn't if I were you. I don't believe you guys... I mean you both, OP and OP's partner. Choices are to be made after thinking about them and before following them. That is the order. Of course you are confused, OP, because he first suggested it and then acts like he is considering you...? Anyway, your reasons are your reasons and you wanted to understand the lifestyle. Here's the mystery resolved, and it's not a joke. Listen: this lifestyle is based on healthy relationships, in which both members exchange true, honest, caring thoughts and grow together. This is not a method for solving problems quickly, and much less something you want to do for someone who 'will think about it.' He should have made his mind by saturday at 2.30, just like you. Think about it. Is your relationship healthy? I think you know the truth.

aromanholiday -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 9:51:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i am trying to understand this lifestyle but having trouble grasping everything. Master told me last week we would have a talk on Sunday at 2:30. He asked me what i wanted. i told him that i wanted to be his sub. Then he said that i was still under consideration until i was worthy Is this normal? It is normal in my experience. He is telling you to wait and to be patient, that he's still observing you for this role. Waiting is very hard for most submissive people to do: we tend to be impatient and impulse-driven souls. Perhaps he isn't sure if this is a good thing for you to experience. Or perhaps he is waiting for you to do or say enough things that make it overwhelmingly clear that being submissive to him would be good for both of you. Maybe he wants a demonstration of your sincerity. Or maybe none of the above is true. It's hard to guess what is on a dominant's mind, even if he is your own dominant, and if this is something he wants you to figure out for yourself, he isn't going to tell you. I would suggest you "stay the line" (sailing term, it means keep the boat on course or rather keep doing whatever it is you're doing because it is keeping the boat on course), exercise patience, and if he hasn't brought up the subject again, ask him in another month or two.

KatyLied -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 11:16:16 AM)
~fr~ sounds like he is clueless, perhaps you should find a dominant who knows what he's doing

lally2 -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 12:28:37 PM)
who you are to him doesnt change just because one minute youre his girlfriend and then next youre his sub. after three years i cant help wondering how he doesnt already know what youre capable of. you have every right not to understand, id be very confused too.

sexyred1 -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 12:37:14 PM)
I agree. Men know what they want, believe me. And if he wanted you to be his slave/sub rather than his girlfriend or whatever, he says, he would have done it already. He is playing you.

KatyLied -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 1:52:21 PM)
He doesn't want to lose the mighty bj

ForeverFire -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 2:27:10 PM)
"Under consideration". What a can of worms. With my first Top, it was a poly household. I was put "under consideration" as they and I were the only two to really share that particular kink. (sounds kinda high on myself, huh? But all five of us had multiple in-depth convos together about it. Honest! :D) After two weeks, they dropped the subject, because they weren't really into it. The phrase can mean so much, and it all depends on the state of mind of the person who says it! 1) Do more kinky things for me (Convince me) 2) Beg for it (stroke the ego) 3) Be patient! (Self-explanatory) 4) This sht scares me, and I don't wanna admit it 5) I want all my options open, all the time (a peeve of mine. If you want poly, say so*, dammit!) 6) I'm not sure you're ready for this level. (Seeing as it's been 3 yrs, I doubt it highly.) 7) I find mind games fun, and will screw with your head as much as possible. And those are just the ones off the top of my head. But I wish you all the best, in every endeavor. Hope everything works out for YOUR happiness and well-being.

Buzzzz -> RE: i dont understand (4/17/2011 2:29:39 PM)
Sounds like he has the pieces of the puzzle (or think he does) and you don't. You have to communicate and figure out what is required of you to become his sub . Otherwise , you are just stepping into the totally unknown .

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