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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 11:47:35 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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So what to do about it...
well as a submissive i manage to seduce my Husband into wanting to dominate me with clever womanly tricks
or indeed i ask or beg for whatever it is i think i need

For a Dom i think you have to get off your backside every so often and step up to the challenge of actually providing what you can see your sub needs... and if you come down a bit on the severe side and put a bit more effort into it than your regular norm is you probably quench her thirst for a while so you can luxuriate in your laid backness again and have a fairly quiet life.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 21

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 11:55:14 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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Steven, I think we touched on this the last time we talked. lol I can't tell you how many times someone said... You don't seem dominant to me... until they saw it... then they were like... wow, you really are dominant. lol Some things matter to me and some don't. It really is as simple as that. In working with someone that has their own needs, I will temper myself or expand on some things, all within a framework of still being true to myself. Someone pushing for more is often the case, whether it be a situation where I don't believe there is a foundation for more or when finding out if we are suitable partners. Anyone that pushes me in the wrong way is someone taking charge. They either don't fit me or are trying to top in my mind.

In a relationship, I set up a structure. Before the relationship, they hear about how I tend to do things. It isn't like they were not aware of how I like things to go. That structure has room to be modified and can be modified for different times, needs and situations, but there is a basic structure that is always in place. I will not enforce this as this is what is supposed to happen and if it doesn't it was their choice not to do it and I will consider that. I will not enforce it. They either are there to do what is expected or they can decide not to. At that point our agreement is off and they get in line or don't. I won't enforce, punish or go over it all again.

What I demand is up to me with considerations for them. What they demand of themselves is beyond me and up to them. I am not taking their own demands and making them my own, catering to their personal expectations. Expecting me to enforce their personal demands... is being in charge and my following. No thanks. lol

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Post #: 22

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 12:02:30 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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I was going to have my slave take dictation and type a reply to this a while ago but I had a nap instead. Now she is off shopping. Since I have to type this out myself, I don’t have much to tell you . . . it would require too much work to type all that up.

At one time I was on AOL and I made a screen name called:

NapDaddyDom

Is that laid back or what?

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Post #: 23

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 12:06:55 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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He's pretty laid back. The important thing is that the rules, however many there are, don't vary. It isn't as though one day he's fine having pancakes for dinner and the next he isn't. The rule of no breakfast type foods for dinner is always in place.

As far as anything else, that's what play is for. And just grabbing her randomly, bending her over and so on. What I refer to as random acts of dominance. And maintenance spankings serve this purpose also.

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Post #: 24

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 12:10:57 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Yup, been in such a relationship.

It ended...for that reason and many others that probably correlated to that.

We both moved on to someone more compatible. He found someone who was just as laid back as he is and I found someone who expects a lot of me and of him because that's the kind of people we are.

It's about finding someone that matches your energy levels.

(in reply to NocturnalStalker)

Post #: 25

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 12:17:48 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? If so, how did you deal with it?

Greetings,

i don't view this as a problem in the manner you're presenting it. i believe it is really a factor of incompatibility in pivotal places instead. Rather than nitpicking something i can't possibly know, i'll put myself on the hot seat. i like intensity and it's something i want in my relationship. The first glimmers i note are his approach and the tools he utilizes to secure me. i'm not a traditionalist desiring pursuit or one bellowing my need to 'choose'. It's my belief that my actions and acceptance of his attention illustrate some measure of interest that is supplemented with a verbal acknowledgment.

This is where things begin to change. His handling of that admission and what follows is very telling. i'm more inclined to prefer the man that takes rather the one that expends endless energy waiting on me to offer myself to him. i liken him to the emboldened vulture that has the willingness to strike like a serpent and render me powerless. The claiming is merely one facet, but his methodology generally provides great insight on how things will unfold going forward. i function best in environments that offer a pronounced grip upon my person. While some abhor the noose, i delight in the stranglehold.

There's some wiggle room on how it's realized. But there are constants that i've observed over the years in those that run their relationships in this manner that i readily seek. i enjoy the man that places demands on me and would probably find myself ill suited to the one that won't. Not because he's inefficient in his leadership or tether. But simply because my slavery is compelled and deepened by the presence of a different energy that is noticeably absent in 'that' instance. And while happiness could be found, there's a part of my person that would go unfulfilled and long for something that was never part of the equation from the start.

i don't think that's fair to either person. And sometimes the truth requires difficult choices that eliminate possibilities but bring us closer to real opportunities in the long run. For me, it isn't about the differences, but the similarities... that unmistakable fit that i'm seeking. And i don't think you can force that. At least that hasn't been my experience.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 26

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 12:44:10 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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i think its a mix between balance and compatibility. first comes the compatibility. you have to agree on the fact that the sub youre considering is capable of self discipline and self control and is happy to float through the day doing the stuff that would make youre day hum with a zing without constant reminders, rules and direction. then comes the balance between allowing her to govern her day whilst maintaining standard expectations.

im reminded of a budgie i found in my garden. he let me catch him and my mum bought me a cage for him. every so often id take pippin down to the field and open his cage door. he'd sit on the edge of the cage and look out but he never flew away. he chose to stay with me even though his freedom was there if he wanted it, the fact that he didnt meant that he was happier within the confines of his life.

i think its a matter of finding a sub who can enjoy the freedom of choice to be confined by her own free will to remain tied to you and youre choice of relationship style. she might be hard to find, but im sure she's out there.

she needs to be capable of self governing and be the sort of person who gets pleasure from that self governance. her purpose is to make youre life happy and fulfilled with her in it and for her to be able to find her own creative methods and ways more enjoyable than the rules and protocols that would otherwise demand them from her.

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Post #: 27

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 12:46:42 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Some want/need a laid back dom, some want/need a great deal of structure. It's a compatibility thing.

The man I am with is extremely laid back, and that is what works for me. Part of this is b/c he and I talk, over time he's learned when I am tired, cranky, not feeling well, I need more structure from him. He makes me pace myself, which is what "I" need.

I don't need to be told what to do in my day to day life, I already know. Too much structure from him would just piss me off. On the other hand, he is more than capable of telling me: "not just no, but hell no." Or telling me: "do this now."

I think it is great to be a softer more laid back sort of dominant, as long as your s type understands when you want the control, you will damn well take it.

I agree with some other comments about how valuable the relationship is to you and how much you are willing to change some behavior or compromise to make things work. And again that takes communication. If your s type tells you how much they adore fetching you a beverage, I think even a laid back type is going to find that charming and demand a beverage more often. Especially if there is a caring, deep relationship there. As always, YMMV.

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(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 28

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 12:49:57 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

I'd be interested in hearing in what way you mean *laid-back*.

Not directed to me I know, but I'll answer anyway.

What I mean by laid back is I am not particularly controlling..I will assign general duties..and then its up to her. I'll state my general expectations of the outcome...and the details are up to her. I don't care how she gets from A to B, as long as she gets to B (and reasonably close to B is usually good enough). In fact the less I have to know about it the better.

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Post #: 29

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 1:00:57 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

I'd be interested in hearing in what way you mean *laid-back*.
Not directed to me I know, but I'll answer anyway.

What I mean by laid back is I am not particularly controlling..I will assign general duties..and then its up to her. I'll state my general expectations of the outcome...and the details are up to her. I don't care how she gets from A to B, as long as she gets to B (and reasonably close to B is usually good enough). In fact the less I have to know about it the better.

Thanks for elaborating Arpig. That's very similar to our idea of laid-back too........'though there are times when he wants things done a *certain* way but that's not aimed at mundane stuff, nor is it usual.

agirl

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 1:05:13 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

she needs to be capable of self governing and be the sort of person who gets pleasure from that self governance. her purpose is to make youre life happy and fulfilled with her in it and for her to be able to find her own creative methods and ways more enjoyable than the rules and protocols that would otherwise demand them from her.

i'm glad you brought this up. :)

In the past i've had my share of self-governance with the other person's input and self-policing is always a staple of my relationships. However, i think the realization of what these things implies differs sharply when they're experienced with some measure of distance versus a residential constant. And i really feel that's what the OP needs to take into account. Oftentimes the perception of what submission 'will look like' and how it actually unfolds is a world of difference. i'd explore her ideology pretty thoroughly during initial communication to unearth the preconceptions she may be harboring.

The query can be very revealing. When previously asked to paint a picture of a typical day in the life of a slave, i had to take a moment because the slate was noticeably blank. Primarily for the reasons referenced. But that's the point. You'll have a hard time dispelling these things if you're in the dark. So pick her brain.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 31

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 1:10:52 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

For a Dom i think you have to get off your backside every so often and step up to the challenge of actually providing what you can see your sub needs...

If providing your sub with what he/she needs is a major bother, then you have the wrong sub.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 32

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 1:16:45 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

I agree with some other comments about how valuable the relationship is to you and how much you are willing to change some behavior or compromise to make things work.

I disagree completely. If you have to compromise on your expectations, then you are in the wrong relationship, I feel this goes for Doms and subs equally. Things will work or they won't, but I'm not going to make any major concessions or changes to see that they do.

quote:

If your s type tells you how much they adore fetching you a beverage, I think even a laid back type is going to find that charming and demand a beverage more often.

I couldn't agree more if you paid me. Doing the small things that please your partner are part and parcel of any relationship.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 33

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 1:25:14 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig:
If providing your sub with what he/she needs is a major bother, then you have the wrong sub.

I dunno, I think that some of the most major "bothers" in my entire life have to do with Carol. I just find her to be worth the bother.

Honestly though I doubt this thread is about "laziness" or "being bothered". I would not want or tolerate a slave who felt she needed a lot of ritual and protocol. Hell, I don't think I could even deal with a slave who wanted to be a SLAVE(tm). Such people would not and should not tolerate me either. It's not that either of us is too lazy or too bothered... it's that we're not a good match. It's quite likely that I would see the other person as "not submissive" and they'd see me as "not dominant" -- which is really just code for "not d/s in the way that pushes my buttons"

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 3/27/2011 1:41:18 PM >

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~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 34

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 1:38:47 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

I agree with some other comments about how valuable the relationship is to you and how much you are willing to change some behavior or compromise to make things work.
I disagree completely. If you have to compromise on your expectations, then you are in the wrong relationship, I feel this goes for Doms and subs equally. Things will work or they won't, but I'm not going to make any major concessions or changes to see that they do.

quote:

If your s type tells you how much they adore fetching you a beverage, I think even a laid back type is going to find that charming and demand a beverage more often.
I couldn't agree more if you paid me. Doing the small things that please your partner are part and parcel of any relationship.

Let me make this clear, I was not ever suggesting you should compromise on your expectations, nor make major concessions. This is why I started my post with a statement about compatibility. If the basic compatibility is there, small compromises and concessions can be made for the sake of the relationship. Anyone who has been in any kind of successful relationship for any length of time has made small concessions and compromises.

I will attempt to give you an example from my own life. The man I am with loves my cooking and loves me to cook for him. He is not, unfortunately very adventuresome in what he likes to eat. For his sake, I do not make foods he does not like a/o won't bothering trying. I might like to cook them, he won't like to eat them. This is a concession I can make. Now if he decided he had to do all the cooking: that would not work for me. Cooking is something I am very good at, and something I know I can do to serve my man. I would not do well with someone who did not want that from me.

Since my man doesn't want exotic foods I continue to expand my repertoire of "healthy classics" like making oven fried chicken he loves, and low fat twice baked potatoes.

Now, this is my idea of what is and what is not a major concession. YMMV, of course. I would never suggest compromising on major expectations.

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Post #: 35

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 3:10:20 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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OK, I can agree with that, thanks for clarifying. We are on the same page after all.

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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Post #: 36

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 3:34:34 PM

ExSteelAgain

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From: Georgia
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The question reminds me of a Sopranos' scene where the woman gets excited during sex and starts to say sexy and masochistic things she wants her gangster boyfriend to do to her. He is kind of bored and actually turned off by her talk. She laments to him how powerful men are so erotic to her.

So maybe all of us Doms get a little lazy now and then forgetting the powerful and erotic effect our telling the submissive what to do is to them. If the D/s dynamic was powerful enough to bring you together, it shouldn’t be neglected. Sometimes Tony Soprano shoots a guy just to show others he’s in control, not because the guy needed it.

< Message edited by ExSteelAgain -- 3/27/2011 3:36:15 PM >

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Post #: 37

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 3:52:21 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

So maybe all of us Doms get a little lazy now and then forgetting the powerful and erotic effect our telling the submissive what to do is to them

Good point. Something to remember.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 38

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 3:54:17 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain
She laments to him how powerful men are so erotic to her.

*chuckles* sure sure, but every woman you ask will tell you that she's not attracted to things like power, status, etc.

forgetting the powerful and erotic effect our telling the submissive what to do is to them
OK, maybe I'm wrong here but I was assuming that the issue is not simply one of "not telling the submissive what to do". Or, at least, if that is the case then I'm flummoxed. I have a life. I'm going somewhere with it. There is LOTS and LOTS to get done. Heck, some of the agendas are going to be years worth of "telling her what to do". I don't honestly understand how you can have someone in your life and run out of things to do. I've assumed here (and in similar threads) the issue isn't just "things", it's "the right things".

Sometimes Tony Soprano shoots a guy just to show others he’s in control, not because the guy needed it.
*grins* You'll excuse me please if I choose not to use him as a role model. Not just a villain, but a fictional one... no thanks.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 39

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 4:31:35 PM

NocturnalStalker

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Women lie? That is impossible.

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Post #: 40

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