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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/2/2011 6:09:43 AM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

When I go into someone's home for the first time there are two rooms that tell me immediately whether or not I ever want to sit down. The kitchen and the bathroom. If those two rooms are dirty, I am thinking filthy slob. If I open a microwave and it looks like many science experiments blew up in there....nothing coming out of it will I be eating. If the stove and counter top looks like a 3 year old was finger painting with the contents of the fridge a week ago, I am declining an offer of dinner. If the sink looks like it WAS white, but is now more gray to black, I am not asking for a drink of water. I won't even begin with the bathroom. My nose will usually tell me before my eyes.

I dated someone who lived like that - it was a VERY short-lived relationship. I remember staying over one weekend and actually drinking as little as possible to avoid needing to use the bathroom

Thanks for sharing your thoughts LaT as I was wondering if I had a differing understanding of laid back. And yes, I agree with what you said about the difference between a home that is lived in and filth.

ps. Steven I am not implying in any way that your place is like what that guy's was

Never heard about active immunisation?

It's good for ya

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 4/2/2011 6:10:04 AM >

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(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 101

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/2/2011 9:39:46 AM

sirssubk2008

Posts: 248
Joined: 1/1/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Wow.

I must say that I am kind of surprised by this thread...

Maybe I have just been out of the relationship loop too long but since when does a lived in house become a label for laziness? Since when does a 'don't sweat the small things' attitude become a label for 'being a whimp'? Since when does following things you enjoy (your comment about the internet) become something that is a waste?

I spend 80% of my free time with my nose in a book. Does that mean that I am wasting my time? I straighten my house up every three days. Does that mean that I am lazy? And, I don't sweat the small things because all that does is give you ulcers

Seriously. I see nothing wrong with how you state that you conduct your relationships. All I see is a bunch of women complaining that they are not being given what they are demanding.

/shrug

[b}My advice. Fuck them and find someone who appreciates you for you with all your quirks, flaws, and perfections.

I agree!! Making changes to who you are and how you live should only be made to make yourself happy,not to fit someone else's perceptions of what a Dom should be. If you make these changes only to fit those perceptions, then the changes will be temporary at best. What happens when you fall back into old habits? Your sub will probably feel like she was mislead, and that would be true.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 102

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/2/2011 9:43:20 AM

sirssubk2008

Posts: 248
Joined: 1/1/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Thanks, everyone.

To specify further, I consider myself laid back because I tend to waste time on the Internet (surprise!), and don't feel comfortable setting up and enforcing a set of rules that includes more than three or so. I recently had to write off as incompatible a woman who had everything - attractive, intelligent, sweet, and a wonderful mesh in conversation, but she felt that I wasn't strong enough, and couldn't handle my house being such a mess. After a second sub had issues with the house, I became introspective.

I saw a local master who demanded more of an ex sub of mine, and himself, than I ever did, and that made me think as well.

So I'll hire a maid service and work on the rest.

It's a matter of who you want to be not a matter of who others are or what their style is. Will you be comfortable making these changes? Will they bring you happiness? Will that happiness be shortlived because It's not who you really are??

< Message edited by sirssubk2008 -- 4/2/2011 9:44:20 AM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 103

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/2/2011 3:46:45 PM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

DS, make it a french maid, and cute one too.

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(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 104

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/2/2011 4:10:53 PM

dovie

Posts: 1211
Status: offline

@ DarkSteven,

I have a maid's uniform or 2. ~smiles~ As long as I don't have to use pine-sol.

kiss,
dovie

_____________________________

"Sometimes love is a nice long lick!"

gentle dove with 38's *the kind you shoot with*

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 105

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/2/2011 8:04:58 PM

fitfreak36

Posts: 12
Joined: 2/27/2011
Status: offline

Being laid back shows that you are a normal guy, you are safe, sane and consensual. You need to agree with your subs as to what is expected from both sides, then off you go.

You needn't worry about being too laid back. Occasionally, it is ok to get your whip out

when it is needed.

Have fun and enjoy your lovely life. You are already doing more for yourself than an average man, just by admitting that you are into bdsm and also living it. Don't fall into all the "you should be doing this, you should be doing that" bollocks. Just do what you feel is best for you and get on with it.

Take care, and don't let those subs worry you too much.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 106

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/2/2011 9:11:31 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

I feel this situation invites the sub to take the lead from time to time. This can turn a "negative" into a positive, as the energy of the relationship can take divergent, interesting paths.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 107

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 8:53:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I do think it's wrong for a dominant to meet a sub, and say btw my bathroom hasn't been cleaned since my last sub left, you go do it. It also doesn't work. You want things kept to a certain standard, you better be able to do so yourself. Not come off appearing as though you need a mother to take care of you.

The other thing about being too laid back, never saying "get me this", is that you're expecting the sub to do everything on their own, all anticipatory service while not receiving any domination. You want to be catered to, to be served, you need to give your orders. Now that doesn't mean you can't say please and thank you, but it isn't fair to expect her to dominate herself. It's hard to submit in a vacuum. And if laid back means not telling her what you do or don't like, then no wonder things aren't working out. If she doesn't know what she's doing right, then she can't know when she's doing wrong.

Your preferences should be in the rules. So if you dislike peas, that's a rule - that they aren't served to you or put in a casserole. If you think the only good ice cream has chocolate in it and never fruit, that's a rule. She can't cater to you if she doesn't know what you like.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 108

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 11:33:50 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I do think it's wrong for a dominant to meet a sub, and say btw my bathroom hasn't been cleaned since my last sub left, you go do it. It also doesn't work. You want things kept to a certain standard, you better be able to do so yourself. Not come off appearing as though you need a mother to take care of you.

It's interesting the subjects that jog ones memory bank. In all my time on this board i can only recollect one dominant mandating cleanliness as a prerequisite for a potential slave. And he wasn't speaking of his environment, but theirs instead. While i haven't conversed with everyone intimately, that always stood out for me and lent the impression that i would probably be comfortable in his living quarters. Neat people have certain nuances that often stand out. And i don't think there's anything wrong with those of us that want that attribute in a prospective partner. Nor is it a slight against ones submission if you have no desire to dwell in 'chaos'. The suggestion is pretty darned preposterous.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 109

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 11:51:39 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I do think it's wrong for a dominant to meet a sub, and say btw my bathroom hasn't been cleaned since my last sub left, you go do it. It also doesn't work. You want things kept to a certain standard, you better be able to do so yourself. Not come off appearing as though you need a mother to take care of you.

Not everyone follows the 'do as you would be done to' mantra, and whether or not that is 'wrong' is up for grabs and, in my view, subjective.

I personally would not want anyone cleaning my bathroom, and it's a matter of pragmatism, really. There are far more important attributes I need from a woman, but in the event a cleaner was approaching the high end of my priorities then I'd have no compunction in saying get on with it, and believe me, a second Mother isn't attractive.

To me, cleaning is a bare minimum requirement in human engagement: two gorillas can clean one another. Surely we need to be thinking of knowledge attainment as a means to some sort of enlightenment and higher standard of coexistence, so cleaning just doesn't register as a valuable commodity.

But, having said that, creativity prospers within a framework of order.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 110

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 12:07:36 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

I'd have no compunction in saying get on with it, and believe me, a second Mother isn't attractive.

It would be really nice if someone presented the differences between supporting a man and mothering him. i've always found the behavior to be highly inappropriate and looked askance at women that did it. Mainly because it is usually based on their perception of his wants and needs that they wrongly attribute to parental care-taking, as opposed to a definitive request for such from the other party. It merely perpetuates the helpless little boy syndrome that is both insulting and a marginalization of his maturity and masculinity as well.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 111

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 1:31:35 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Saying on a coffee meet that you need a slave because you can't clean your own bathroom or wash your own dishes comes off as being incompetent and needing to move back in with his mother. Dividing the household responsibilities so she does the lion share of inside chores while you are working on the outside or the cars at that time is something else. Dishes will always need to be done. If both people are working 40 hour weeks plus commuting times, then expecting her to come home and do three hours of chores nightly while you sit on your ass is preposterous. She needs downtime also and without it, she won't be sufficiently energized to want sex/play. Unless you want her to view having sex with you as a chore. Sensible people don't set up things that don't work.

Generic you obviously.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 112

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 2:14:58 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Saying on a coffee meet that you need a slave because you can't clean your own bathroom or wash your own dishes comes off as being incompetent and needing to move back in with his mother

i really don't get the correlation with his mother. He didn't say he wants to suckle and you're assuming that he can get away with the same behavior under his parent's roof without complaint from the party mentioned. See, i don't make that leap. If i heard that comment i'd assume he's kidding or definitely looking for someone else. i wouldn't be an appropriate fit in any capacity. Whereas another woman may feel she's the right hand that he needs. Why emasculate him and pull the mommy card? What the heck does that have to do with being unclean?

quote:

Dividing the household responsibilities so she does the lion share of inside chores while you are working on the outside or the cars at that time is something else. Dishes will always need to be done. If both people are working 40 hour weeks plus commuting times, then expecting her to come home and do three hours of chores nightly while you sit on your ass is preposterous.

Believe or not there are TONS of people living that lifestyle and it doesn't involve BDSM. Also, it isn't wrong, but merely a constitution that may not appeal to my personal sense of ethics/responsibility, but the next person may feel she's found her pot of gold. Again, i don't get into a relationship where i'm expected to yield to another person's authority expecting equality. If it's that big of a deal get a guy that keeps a tidy house and does so with or without a slave's assistance. That's simple. Complaining afterward is pretty silly but representative of threads 1-100 at any given venue concerning this subject. Slaves should stop agreeing to enter relationships that comprise elements they have no intention of honoring or being held accountable for in the long run. Now that's a novelty.

quote:

She needs downtime also and without it, she won't be sufficiently energized to want sex/play. Unless you want her to view having sex with you as a chore. Sensible people don't set up things that don't work.

No, she needs to pull her head out of the clouds and her ass and stop involving herself in crotch saturating fantasies that have little probability of working. It isn't the imbalance that's not sensible. It's allowing yourself to be swayed by the need to have a dominant to the extent where you're filling the gap with 'anyone' rather than the 'right one' for you. Sensible people find complements not placeholders.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 113

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 4:47:06 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

MISS Porcelaine

I am duly impressed.

Very nicely stated.

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(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 114

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 4:57:04 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

MISS Porcelaine

I am duly impressed.

Very nicely stated.

Thank you dear lady for the compliment. You're much too kind.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 115

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/3/2011 8:22:29 PM

CarpeComa

Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fitfreak36

Being laid back shows that you are a normal guy, you are safe, sane and consensual.

I don't know about that. I probably qualify as 'laid back'. Judging from the replies I get around here, at any given time I am at best two out of three of those.

(in reply to fitfreak36)

Post #: 116

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/4/2011 12:03:51 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

I wasn;t sure I would ever find something that I agreed with porcelaine on but these two things really seem to go along with what I have posted here and with what I have stated at length, in various forms, on other threads...

(from porcelaine): Believe or not there are TONS of people living that lifestyle and it doesn't involve BDSM. Also, it isn't wrong, but merely a constitution that may not appeal to my personal sense of ethics/responsibility, but the next person may feel she's found her pot of gold. Again, i don't get into a relationship where i'm expected to yield to another person's authority expecting equality. If it's that big of a deal get a guy that keeps a tidy house and does so with or without a slave's assistance. That's simple. Complaining afterward is pretty silly but representative of threads 1-100 at any given venue concerning this subject. Slaves should stop agreeing to enter relationships that comprise elements they have no intention of honoring or being held accountable for in the long run. Now that's a novelty.

And this( from porcelain, in reply to a statement made by another poster): (the statement): She needs downtime also and without it, she won't be sufficiently energized to want sex/play. Unless you want her to view having sex with you as a chore. Sensible people don't set up things that don't work.

(porcelaine;s reply)
No, she needs to pull her head out of the clouds and her ass and stop involving herself in crotch saturating fantasies that have little probability of working. It isn't the imbalance that's not sensible. It's allowing yourself to be swayed by the need to have a dominant to the extent where you're filling the gap with 'anyone' rather than the 'right one' for you. Sensible people find complements not placeholders.

Nicely said.

I have said it before and I say it in My profile...if you are going to submit, then SUBMIT. But...know WHO what you are submitting to and understand that they may be one-sided or, as sexyred stated, multi-faceted. Any submissive who thinks, because I am laidback and fairly easy to get along with and affectionate and caring and solicitous, that I cannot be on-task or work hard or am lazy or that I can be manipulated or can;t be firm or does not like any control or have a rather large sadistic streak would be surprised to discover that I can be and do have all that going for Me also. BUT...she would only be surprised if she had never asked Me about those things specifically or by asking about My opinions and thoughts and beliefs on life, love, and D/s.

(in reply to CarpeComa)

Post #: 117

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/4/2011 12:46:14 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Nicely said.

Greetings CreativeDominant,

Thank you for the compliment. :)

It's my belief that people could stand to get acquainted with the "getting acquainted" process a little more. Many of the complaints i read on forums could be remedied by making a better assessment at the start. i feel it's wrong to think that he's teasing or things will change down the road. i also think it's inappropriate to bill yourself as something you have no capacity of maintaining long term. But to realize either requires interaction and a little thing called time. There's a cornucopia of perspectives and styles that one can draw from. However, choosing accurately requires some brutal self honesty. As discussions unfold one question always comes to mind when i'm conversing with a prospect. Can i live this way? And if i cannot offer a positive response with great confidence that this is what i'm seeking, i owe it to myself and the other person to keep looking.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 118

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/4/2011 1:07:51 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

I'd have no compunction in saying get on with it, and believe me, a second Mother isn't attractive.

It would be really nice if someone presented the differences between supporting a man and mothering him. i've always found the behavior to be highly inappropriate and looked askance at women that did it. Mainly because it is usually based on their perception of his wants and needs that they wrongly attribute to parental care-taking, as opposed to a definitive request for such from the other party. It merely perpetuates the helpless little boy syndrome that is both insulting and a marginalization of his maturity and masculinity as well.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

The answer doesn't lie in definition. A good Mother supports you and readies you for the adult world, or at least is a big part in this. Perhaps there's a popular misconception in that a Mother is by default domineering. That would be like saying a teacher is by default strict and aloof, which quite clearly isn't the case.

The difference lies in the rules of engagement. With my Mother, I reserve the right to be treated like an adult but I'm gonna give her some leeway now and again because there's a bond there that means no matter who I am, what I am, how old I am, I'll always be her son. With my partner, well, I ain't her son by virtue of biological fact and practical aversion. The rules are my rules and she has a right of appeal, naturally, and is free to walk away when it suits, but I'm the state round here, although not absolutist in manner admittedly, whereas when I go to my Mum's for lunch it's her kitchen. When my partner comes to my home for lunch I'm free to suggest and enforce that she absails down the front wall of my home, climbs through my window and makes her way to the stove while I take pot shots at her with a 17th century cannon on her way to making the finest meal since King Cnut got through a barely cooked pig without breaking sweat.

In short, ask your Mother to play by your rules and she'll say: "look, I wiped your arse when you were nothing but a dribbling 2 years old who couldn't master a rusk, and when you moved onto 5 years old I got sick of smacking your arse when you pissed of the teachers at school, and when you were 13 I found that stash of porn mags under your bed and your older Sister said 'I told you he's a wrong' un'". Put simply, your Mother is far too long in the tooth to listen to your grandoise notions of world domination.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 119

RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 4/4/2011 2:48:48 PM

salemartist

Posts: 195
Joined: 12/17/2010
From: Salem
Status: offline

I am the most laid back easy going guy youll ever find, lazy I am not! Also because of my wit and sarcasm, and just all around nice guy atittude I have taken the motto "Do not mistake kindness for weakness" for when I am in 'the scene' I am a seriously sadistic bastard. I dont have a ton od D/s cadences, and I can allow a session to be turned off and just have some laughs and relax, but in no way does my casual demenour effect the deviant side. but I am a gemini so I guess thats natural for me.

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 120

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