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first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 5/7/2006 8:27:32 PM   
Archer6


Posts: 19
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline 		 hey all I've been on collarme for over a year, but this is my first time on the message boards, feel like I have to talk to someone, even if it's strangers

Now over the past 1 months or so, my expierinces in meeting folks have been kind of scary. But  I thought that had changed until last night

I've been talking to a girl from Nebraska (i'm in Kansas City myself) we've been just enjoying each other's cyber-company, webcam, yahoo, ec and even talked on the phone a few times

Now I was thrilled to talk to her, and thought the feeling was mutual, we spent hours talking online, and even started some online domination (mostly cute, but I was pleased, even proud of the lengths she was willing to go on cam, being such a sweet girl)
she even on her own inititive started a blog about our online expieriences

Now we come up to this past weekend, her friend was making the long drive to Kansas CIty for a concert and asked her to come along. We debated taking the opportunity to meet, before she suggested why don't I just come up to see her?

groovy

We met, played mini-golf, had dinner, and watched a movie together. And this is where I may have made a mistake (or more)
Now it was generally accepted that we would "play" that night. I told her to show how much I liked her, I would restrain from actualy having sex.
I thought the expierince went all, at least initialy, she had a safeword which she never used, and I wasn't attempting anything extreme, at mos, a barehanded spanking may have been harder than i intended. And yes we did have sex, but not the kind you need a condom for (use you imagination)

I asked if I could stay the night, she said sure, but on the couch (I geuss even after the day we had, plus a week online, I was still in many ways a stranger) I agreed, though I wanted to be close, I really didn't want to drive 3 hours at 2am

but then she started scaring me, she had to throw up, saying she was having an anxiety attack, I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes. What could I do? I'm not going to force myself to stay, and if she was feeling emotional I didn't want to add to her anxiety
So I left, finally getting in around 5:30am, but falling asleep around 4:30 (I actualy fell asleep for 10 seconds in the final few miles, only waking up just as I went a bit off road)

Today? not only is hse not online, but she's delteted her collarme account, and that blog she was keeping.
I'm really feeling like a monster here, this is the first girl I reallybe so...vehement form our expirience, I really feel awful . But she was so sweet, I could easily spend hours looking at her, wether in person or webcam

so how should I be feeling? and what would any of you do in my place?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 5/9/2006 12:08:22 AM   
DifferentSubGirl


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'm so sorry that happened to you! My best guess is that you didn't do anything wrong, and that she panicked when everything transitioned from online to real so very quickly. It also sounds to me like she was expecting the fantasy to be like the reality, and unfortunately, no matter how good you think it is in your head, real life rarely if ever matches up. So she could have been expecting something totally different, despite telling herself all the right things. I know I personally tend to panic a little myself when making that transition and knowing this about myself, tend to take it VERY slowly, no matter what my raging hormones might say. Going slow for me might mean meeting for coffee (using my own transportation and money, which goes without saying) and nothing else the first time. No good night kisses, no physical contact, nothing. Just talking and coffee. The second date might involve dinner -- paying for my own meal so as not to induce the sensation of 'owing' my date anything. Third date might involve dinner and a movie -- and arriving under my own transportation still. Fourth date (if we get so far!) tends to be doing something fun, still in public. And it's not until we've been dating a bit that I allow kissing or talk of play or whatnot. And I *never* allow play in private until I get the results back from a complete background check, including STD's, and the results are acceptable. Generally I won't allow play at all until my partner has met one or two of my friends and has been checked over at a community event, like a munch. Other's gut instincts do play a part in my decision.

Oh, and I set up safe calls too, until my friends meet my partner.

It sounds like a lot to keep myself safe, but frankly, I've had stalkers in the past, both online and from work -- and I don't want to go there again. I have a lot left to do in life, and I don't want to cut life short because I was an idiot and let my hormones make all the decisions. It sounds awfully cold-hearted and all, but as a single woman in a big city, I have to be careful.

As they say, better safe than sorry. I've found that the people I want to be with will understand and accept going slowly, because it's just safer for all the parties involved.

What to do next time? Slow down! No matter what your partner says they want, keep it slow, keep it light, and invest in a hotel room so you have somewhere to go. And don't assume anything. Trust has to be built and when you're meeting somebody for the first time, you won't be able to read them. Having them there in front of you is different than seeing them on a webcam. Ask how your partner is feeling. Expect truthful answers, even if they're 'I'm kind of freaking out right now, can you slow down?' Maybe make truthful answers a D/s thing, that you as the dominant expect the truth when you ask a question. And keep talking and checking in with your partner.

I can't tell you how you "should" be feeling. I'm not sure there is a "should" here. How -are- you feeling? As for feelings, all I can tell you is that everybody has something get turned inside out on them without warning and the best thing you can do to recover is to accept that it went wrong and try to fix it for next time. Unfortunately this may mean forgetting about your sweet girl and spending some time on the sidelines recovering and grieving before you jump back into the dating pool.

I hope this helps. It sucks large pointy rocks when stuff like this happens. All I can give you is sympathy and some advice based on my own personal experiences.


DSG

(in reply to Archer6)
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RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 5/9/2006 1:05:43 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Archer,

There is no 'should' in how you are feeling.. you are just feeling. It's unfortunate, but online chemistry doesn't always equate to offline reality. Not knowing the lady, there is no way to tell what scared her off, but I would definitely say that you are more than entitled to be a bit confused. Chalk this one up to experience and a lesson learned. After only a week online, it's difficult to 'know' anyone.. perhaps try spending more time before meeting up and playing with a relative stranger next go 'round. You can view this as an opportunity for growth if nothing else.. and you did have the chance to meet with her in the first place, so it's not a total loss.

I wish you peace..

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to Archer6)
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RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 5/9/2006 7:55:15 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		It's hard to take things slow, but that's just what you have to do.  You probably didn't scare her at all..she scared herself.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 5/30/2006 11:59:51 AM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry the experience was less than hoped for.  Hard to say what went wrong, since I wasn't there.  Maybe your partner didn't have the experience she had represented and was confronted with reality, as opposed to fantasy.  Maybe (and it should always be considered) you did do something "wrong".

No matter what the problem, it doesn't sound like she gave you an honest experience in return.  A simple "no thank you" is all anyone ever needs to say.  Hiding, deleting her account after just flipping out is not right...

Chin up, and back in the game with you!

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 5/31/2006 8:09:58 AM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline 		I have to say a week is not a whole lot of time to get to know someone.  IMO, an hour of talking online equates to about 5 minutes of time spent talking with someone in person...  There is a fine line between fantasy and reality when it comes to online experiences.  A real time meeting can't always be a continuation from one's online activities.  It sometimes require we start back from the begining again. 

It sounds as if perhaps the transition from online to real time moved a little too quickly for her.   It's a double edged sword for a submissive.  Her natural inclination is to please you...perhaps at her own expense (ie anxiety attack after the fact).  The fact that you repeatedly described her as "sweet" would lead me to think this was the case.  A submissive with little experience, who may be a bit insecure with herself and who had a nice dose of reality will retreat. 

Taking things slow accomplishes a lot beyond simply getting to know someone.  In essence, it provides a solid, safe foundation for future meetings.   Personally, i admire a Dom who will keep any physical contact to a minimal on a first meeting...even if i yearn for more.  It tells me He is in control of His own desires and that my best interests take priority over a moment of lust.  The few times that  i have been allowed to be caught up in the moment and lost all thoughts of being sensible, albeit a fun time, are the ones that i have never bothered to meet with again.  

< Message edited by champagnewishes -- 5/31/2006 8:14:05 AM >

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.


(in reply to Archer6)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/1/2006 12:34:08 PM   
BrattyBottomRN


Posts: 73
Joined: 4/3/2006
Status: offline 		Ohhhhhhhhhhh god you poor baby!  That sucks so bad.  I'm gonna agree with a previous poster that she just freaked out from the transition from online to R/L.  It is a HUGE transition.  Sounds like she probably has some of her own emotional issues to deal with, maybe some past emotional trauma.  I don't think you did anything wrong and you are completely justified to be brokenhearted and feel like shit. I met my new Master yesterday for the first time and I was TERRIFIED... things sounded so perfect online I was just so scared they wouldn't be in RL.  Turned out great, but I had such anxiety meeting him, feeling like maybe I wouldn't be good enough for him.  Maybe she was afraid she wasn't good enough for you.  I know you didn't feel that way, but girls with emotional scars are touchy, like walking on eggshells.

In any event, don't give up.  You'll find the right gal eventually.  It just wasn't meant to be between you and her.  I'm sorry you had to get hurt in the process.

(in reply to champagnewishes)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/6/2006 1:46:57 AM   
kellbell25


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		Well its been a couple of weeks since you posted so i hope your feeling better.....youve already had some thoughful sound and true advice, but a as a newbie sub who just had her first R/L experience, i can tell you it is VERY scary going from online/phone to R/L  (for me, even though it was the best experience ever, it was nothing at all like i expected, and i discovered my pain tolerence is alot lower than i thought  lol ), and as a submissive and especially a R/L inexperienced submissive, the extreme desire to please and prove yourself can make you want to do things your really not mentally or physically ready for.....in my opinion its up to the Dom to control himself so he can therefore control and guide me, an excited, vulnerable sub is a bit like a child, when were in that space we tend to do silly things and not know whats good for us lol.

 So as they say.... get back on the horse, but maybe take a little longer to get to know it before you mount it this time! (pardon the pun) and sincerely all the best on your journey.

(in reply to BrattyBottomRN)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/7/2006 8:12:18 PM   
NJSubGirl


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline 		I too can relate to the anxiety of meeting someone for the first time in r/l compared to online. Even though my Master and I had very deep and meaningful conversations before our first encounter, I was still weary about how the first meeting would go down. We met at the airport, of course I flew to him... From the minute we recognized eachother, we smiled, held hands, kissed and from there is the wonderful cinderalla story or the Snow White Story, what have you :) There was Never an uncomfortable feeling since our first meeting. Im blessed.
Im sorry that you didnt experience the same as myself... but dont give up! Shes out there somewhere!

(in reply to kellbell25)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/15/2006 2:07:21 AM   
zero69u2


Posts: 107
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		i read your story. i understand your trying to squeeze alot of passion into a long distance get together. its moving bit too fast but maybe the chemistry was there. can't tell from story.

okay you've made a verbotten mistake in first night encounters.. asking to stay on the sofa in someone else's house ..If its a hotel its fine to sleep in same bed together.. we're both on neutral ground..not a scary situation.
 (stranger in other person's house.. wanting to stay the night while their sleepin.( that would creep out and send red flags unless you known each other for months.) how well do i know you.. what could happen while i'm sleeping. (i could get robbed, i could get raped. i could get in trouble if hubby comes home early from his truck driving job. kids coming back from babysitter at 9am.) 
any of these could have been on her mind. you just don't know..
maybe a panic attack was her way of safely ending the date.. for whatever reason.
some gals use the cell phone safe call.. to end a bad date.. or shorten up a good one because of babysitter.

so how should I be feeling? and what would any of you do in my place?
Sadly this may have been a one night encounter. i'd give it a few days then call or write
I would not do anything creepy.. if want to be romantic send FTD flowers to her house with a letter..  do a search for her handle.. maybe she turned her profile off because she likes you and thinks the search is over. ideally that's the best you could hope for.

too fast gone in 60 seconds..









(in reply to NJSubGirl)
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RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/15/2006 5:23:47 AM   
sabswife


Posts: 188
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NJSubGirl

I too can relate to the anxiety of meeting someone for the first time in r/l compared to online. Even though my Master and I had very deep and meaningful conversations before our first encounter, I was still weary about how the first meeting would go down. We met at the airport, of course I flew to him... From the minute we recognized eachother, we smiled, held hands, kissed and from there is the wonderful cinderalla story or the Snow White Story, what have you :) There was Never an uncomfortable feeling since our first meeting. Im blessed.
Im sorry that you didnt experience the same as myself... but dont give up! Shes out there somewhere!


this is how it was for me as well. 

to the OP -- from reading your post what i am thinking is that she probably wasn't as into the sexual aspects of it as she thought and didn't know how to tell you, so she just vanished.  a rotten thing to do nontheless, but you have received some great advice, i agree, next time.. take it slower :)  i don't think you did anything wrong at all.

_____________________________

"If you look inside your heart, You don't have to be afraid--Of what you are. There's an answer, If you reach into your soul--And the sorrow that you know Will melt away."


(in reply to NJSubGirl)
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RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/15/2006 11:42:47 AM   
nittaa


Posts: 44
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline 		Archer, this one is sorry to hear it went down like that, and has no words of solace that would make you feel better, only suggestion is that You take more time getting to know someone, while words can be said over and over again, it is only when You  hold that person in Your arms that You can truly know how she feels.  It is easy to type to anyone yet when it is realtime many tend to shy off for they are no longer using their heads and thinking what is coming next, but using their hearts and f eeling real emotions, often times people cant deal with the realilty that has hit them and many times they feel they have moved far too quick.  Wishing you the best always

(in reply to NJSubGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/16/2006 8:23:26 PM   
eyesys


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		I'm sorry this has happened to you. I don't think you did anything wrong, but maybe she was in it for the wrong reasons. It sounds like she has some past trauma that came to play in the middle of things there.

I tihnk there is a varying degree of what people think "playing" is. Some think it's simply some wallops on the butt. Some think it's everything, psychological stuff, etc., but no sex. Some think it's all of it, or some of it with sex. I guess it needs to be talked about.

I understand your heartbreak. I lost one Dominant and one play partner and I'm really still broken up over both of them.

N

(in reply to DifferentSubGirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/16/2006 9:30:27 PM   
badpaliden


Posts: 96
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		My concern in all of this is the bad case of "Top Drop" you seem to have had. That feeling  that your a horrable person, enforced by her actions.. After all its damn hard enough the first time dealing with your demons the next morning, about how you honestly did do those things you've always thought about doing .. and RELLY enjoyed doing them! yadda yadda ... Yeah , and to have her freak out because she had issues sure didnt help... if your still folowing your thread I hope you have some input about those feelings  and are able to be settled and at ease with your inner self  and desires.. After all we are taught al our life how its "wrong" to want to inflect pain/what ever on another.. how can I be normal, and feel  this , enjoy it ..  yep Top Drop ..  and your all caught up  in what you might have done to her .. Hmmm..

(in reply to eyesys)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/16/2006 10:09:10 PM   
xxmstrchasxx


Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		Archer,

I too feel bad it happened the way it did.  Knowing someone only a week is pretty quick to meet and play in my opinion.  I knew my sub for about 6 months before we met and we talked for hundreds of  hours.  To be fair, distance had a lot to do with that too, we were 3600 miles apart.  I was in South Florida and her in Northern Washington.

I too think going from online to r/t might have been to much for her to fast. 

The good news is this didn't all happen after knowing and talking for months and meeting, so you have saved some heartache.  I doubt you really did anything wrong except move a little too fast.




< Message edited by xxmstrchasxx -- 6/16/2006 10:10:09 PM >

_____________________________

XxMasterChasxX

(in reply to Archer6)
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RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/16/2006 10:19:14 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Archer,

For someone like yourself I think you did fine, you clearly didn't push her or try and manipulate her, you seem like a good guy all around.

In your place, I would have guessed (rightly or wrongly) that the right thing to do would have been to reasure her everything would be okay.  I wouldn't have asked to leave, I would have played the worried partner, caring parent role and on some level "rocked her to sleep".  By asking if you should leave, you made it clear something was "wrong".  This isn't a perfect analogy, but it is like reacting to the fact a woman is on her period rather than ignoring it.  You also missed, possibly, a chance to bond with her.

Course when I did something similar years ago to what you did, I didn't know enough to handle it either. 

(in reply to Archer6)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/16/2006 11:25:47 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Do you have her number? Why not give her a call? There could be so many reasons why she has deleted her account..maybe just from being embarressed from how she reacted.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/17/2006 12:30:53 AM   
TolerableCruelty


Posts: 447
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		From what I can tell.... You seem to have a pretty good grip on things, Archer.... so don't beat yourself up over this. I would've been looking for the door too if I'd been in your shoes.
This may be a little blunt... but she sounds like a fuckin whack job to Me.... and you're better off far far away from her.

Keep your head up.... Stay in the game... they won't all freak out....

T.R.

_____________________________

Never explain~~Your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you

I'm sorry if I've offended you.... but maybe you needed to be offended

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/17/2006 5:04:11 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I think your feeling exactly what you should be feeling..... CONFUSION!!!!  if you where not confused and frustrated... I would be concerned about you.  Now, no one can say what went wrong, not even you!  Unless she gives her side of it, all you have to go on is your gut feeling of things.  But, clearly it was more than she could handle.  we just don't know what was to much or why!  First off.... don't write it off that you made a mistake that you only did something wrong.  It might be accurate, but it might be wrong as well.  Consider that maybe she lied and is married.... that she just cheated on her husband...  could explain a few things now couldn't it.  maybe the reality was alot more intense that she could handle.  Maybe she has a health condition she did tell you about.... there is alot of maybes that have nothing to do with you.  Yes maybe you should of done this or that.   So don't read to much into it, don't let your judgements get to extreme.  Also, next person you go and meet... tell them about this experience.  You are likely going to more hesitate with the next one(s) you meet and they should know why, they might even be appreciate of it, especially if they are new.



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Archer6)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: first-time poster: dealing with heartbreak - 6/17/2006 5:12:36 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I think many subs online are acting out their fantasies and when their fantasies become real they can't handle them because they were never meant to become real, they do online because r/l BDSM freaks them.

I had one do worse on me after a couple of years of excuses why we shouldn't meet. After that experience I found plenty of people who experienced similar and what you experienced, meeting once and then POOOF! Gone like smoke.

I doubt you did anything wrong, she was just someone mixing up her fantasies with reality. I think that is the nature of online for many people.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 6/17/2006 5:13:08 AM >

(in reply to Archer6)
Profile   Post #: 20
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