when He is er, not at HIs best (Full Version)

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lovelyesme -> when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 5:25:34 AM)

so i'm new at posting, but desire growth.  i have been submissive in O/our sex life for 10 years and enjoyed it mightily once i snuck past all the weird feelings of discovery.  now here W/we are trying to spread things out into the rest of our life.  i know this is very general, but i don't want to go into a whole bunch of "and then He's- Also, a wide range of answers, fitting a wide range of situations will teach a lot. So:  when a sub believes He is behaving poorly, not necessarily towards only her-how does a 'good' sub respond?



poise -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 6:12:29 AM)

Since I have no clue as to what you consider acting badly, there aren't
very many wide range answers to offer here.

Does he keep forgetting to take out the garbage?
Is he not spanking you hard enough?
Are his bills going unpaid?

We are left to guess about the situation you see yourself in.

You have been together 10 years. Surely, along with all the kinky
sex antics you've learned, you have also learned how to communicate, yes?
Being submissive doesn't mean you lose your voice.



Palliata -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 6:14:10 AM)

Personally I would always rather be informed of what's going on inside someone's head in a respectful manner than kept in the dark about it. If I disagree, I can always disregard it, but who knows what I may be missing about the situation we find ourselves in if I refuse to at least hear out the observations of my partner? As long as it is approached from the position of honest criticism as opposed to subversive challenge simply addressing the thing directly seems ideal.



DesFIP -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 6:23:46 AM)

Sit him down and say "What the hell is going on with you lately? You're not acting like yourself and it's weirding me out! I need to know what's going on, for real, before I decide the only safe thing for me to do is pack my bags and slip away in the night."

And then stare at him while he hopefully answers.



rosanegra -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 7:24:25 AM)

My huge assumption here is that you are married to him, and that the marriage pre-dated the BDSM. Even if I am wrong, most of this still applies.

Some people approach it differently, but the way I see it, in the case of a married D/s couple, the partnership of marriage trumps the power exchange in any situation which could be detrimental to the overall health of the marriage. BDSM be damned (forgive me, kink Gods), you need to make sure that the relationship is healthy before trying to preserve the power exchange dynamic. After all.. if the relationship goes down in flames because of unresolved larger issues, the power exchange is going to be over either way.

If it isn't going to bring your relationship to its knees? Well.. perhaps it is time to sit down and have a talk with him about some general guidelines for how you should go about expressing frustration in a way that he finds acceptable from you as a submissive. It could be a journal, or perhaps a period of time every day that he gives you to speak openly.. or even something as simple as asking his permission to tell him how you feel about a given issue. Asking permission will give you a little extra time to think about *how* you are going to say what you need to say, and keep you in the submissive mindset. Expressing your feelings that way could help you be more deliberate and respectful, as opposed to being reactive.

As numerous people before me have said, communication is of utmost importance.. whether your relationship is a BDSM relationship OR a vanilla one.

Furthermore, something about your post gave me the vaguest of impressions that munchkins may be involved. If that is the case, and you are referring to potentially poor parenting decisions... In that arena, and I believe most would agree, you have to make sure you are doing the best job of parenting that you can. If that means you have to disagree with him or express an opposing opinion... you need to be sure you are doing it. That doesn't mean you should be disrespectful about it, but even in vanilla relationships opposing opinions on parenting can lead to some ugly battles.

I wish you the best in navigating the new territory you are in!



ranja -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 9:45:57 AM)

yes, you might confront him, pleasantly carefully and inquisitive or even demanding explanations... depending on his character you might get an answer and be able to move forward or split
... in my situation; He did not respond... He is not much of a talker and not inclined to change anything in a hurry on my demand...
...i sat it out, it took ages... eventually i had enough knowledge of His problem and my own failing in breaking through it to make a difference... with crafty manipulation and understanding
we are good again now
good luck to you



DarkSteven -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 10:53:32 AM)

Is he aware that you think there's an issue? Does he agree that it's an issue?



IrishMist -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 10:55:33 AM)

quote:

So: when a sub believes He is behaving poorly, not necessarily towards only her-how does a 'good' sub respond?

With respect [:)]

There is nothing wrong with telling him that you feel he is acting badly; as long as it's done in a respectful manner.



DesFIP -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 11:50:41 AM)

Except sometimes all the pretty phrasing, the please may I communicate to you, all the with due respect - all that covers up the fact that this isn't a disagreement on how well done the steak should be. Sometimes you need to be blunt to have it be accepted as the major problem it is. And if he's so insecure that he can't deal with someone not begging, but challenging him, then he isn't someone who should have control  because his insecurities will get in the way of his making good decisions. Which in this case includes a wife and children who will be impacted.



IrishMist -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 12:33:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Except sometimes all the pretty phrasing, the please may I communicate to you, all the with due respect - all that covers up the fact that this isn't a disagreement on how well done the steak should be. Sometimes you need to be blunt to have it be accepted as the major problem it is. And if he's so insecure that he can't deal with someone not begging, but challenging him, then he isn't someone who should have control  because his insecurities will get in the way of his making good decisions. Which in this case includes a wife and children who will be impacted.

and where did I say anything about asking permission to do anything?

I am a blunt person...If I think someone is acting like a fool, I say 'you are acting like a fool' etc etc...however, I also know that sometimes, a bit of respect and tact is called for. In a situation like this, you don't need to say 'what the fuck is your problem', you could just as easily say 'is there something that is bothering you lately, because to tell the truth, you are not acting like yourself'.

Respectful yet honest.



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 12:33:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovelyesme

when a sub believes He is behaving poorly, not necessarily towards only her-how does a 'good' sub respond?



The highlighted portion appears to tell the story... most likely STRESS!!!

Thus, how you "respond" is two-fold:

1)  Make him aware of his change in behavior. Believe it or not, he may not realize it.

2)  Give him his space, and know that it'll likely pass.

Note:  If by "behaving poorly", this means drugs/alcohol abuse, illegal activities, etc., then this is something entirely different and quite serious.
 



agirl -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 1:26:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovelyesme

 So:  when a sub believes He is behaving poorly, not necessarily towards only her-how does a 'good' sub respond?



I've no idea how a *good sub* would respond :).......but whatever the situation I'd ask him about the individual circumstances.... at the time.

agirl





agirl -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 1:54:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Except sometimes all the pretty phrasing, the please may I communicate to you, all the with due respect - all that covers up the fact that this isn't a disagreement on how well done the steak should be. Sometimes you need to be blunt to have it be accepted as the major problem it is. And if he's so insecure that he can't deal with someone not begging, but challenging him, then he isn't someone who should have control  because his insecurities will get in the way of his making good decisions. Which in this case includes a wife and children who will be impacted.


I don't think that taking a calm, rational, enquiring approach is *pretty phrasing* in the least. When did *approaching with respect* become *begging*? Being blunt, frank or to the point doesn't have to include confrontational language and threats of leaving.

I'm spoken to with respect by M when I'm behaving out of character. He might be blunt, he might be forthright, but he doesn't START conversations of this kind with the * Oi you, get your act together or I'm out of here*.  It's far more likely to be along the lines of *What on earth is wrong? You bit so and so's head off and you have had a long face all morning. What's going on here?*

agirl











lovelyesme -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 3:58:30 PM)

My huge assumption here is that you are married to him,.....
something about your post gave me the vaguest of impressions that munchkins may be involved. If that is the case, and you are referring to potentially poor parenting decisions... In that arena, and I believe most would agree, you have to make sure you are doing the best job of parenting that you can. If that means you have to disagree with him or express an opposing opinion... you need to be sure you are doing it. I wish you the best in navigating the new territory you are in!

[/quote]
Hit the nail (s) on the head with both assumptions, and i really appreciate the thoughtfulness of your response.  i made it clear from the start- kids are dependent, so i'll kill for them if need be, and sacrifice anything necessary-so it's relief to hear there is room in this kinky world for fierce mothers, and thoughts of a somewhat critical nature, respectfully expressed....
esme



dreamerdreaming -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 9:18:46 PM)

If you think he's being a dickwad to the kids, STAND UP FOR THEM. You're their mother- not a potted plant.

You GO, girl!

[:)]



Lockit -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/4/2011 9:29:06 PM)

Who the hell cares how a good sub responds? It is a good mother's response that is important. All bets are off when those whom have no choice are affected by those who do have a choice. You mother bear it all the way if anyone is harming your children even in an emotional manner... you are no longer submissive... it should be mother bear all the way.

So why did you need to ask that if you made it clear about this? You made it clear, he didn't care (based on what you have said) and now, you don't care. Do what a mother should do. Second guessing things tends to make you wait too long to act.

Good luck!



ranja -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/5/2011 2:47:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovelyesme
i made it clear from the start- kids are dependent, so i'll kill for them if need be, and sacrifice anything necessary-so it's relief to hear there is room in this kinky world for fierce mothers, and thoughts of a somewhat critical nature, respectfully expressed....
esme


my advice is no longer valid... our problems were different
we never have dissagreements about the kid



MaxsBoy -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/5/2011 3:03:34 AM)

I am very much Max's property, and happily submit to whatever pain and torment he chooses to put me through.  But if he ever treated my child in a way that wasn't completely respectful and loving, I would take his throat out with me teeth.  You don't fuck with Mama Fox.



lovelyesme -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/5/2011 4:25:06 PM)

thanks for all the answers, suggestions, and support.  Do not be misled-He is a loving father, a safe one, but at times, clueless.  i know too well how easily parents can injure adolescent spirits.  i would never hesitate to stand up for my wee ones between even moderate emotional or physical harm. i was/am curious how to blend these familiar parts-Mamma Bear with new ones-submissive-so getting feedback is extremely helpful.  Thanks.  i am sure i'll have many others....
esme



tazzygirl -> RE: when He is er, not at HIs best (4/5/2011 9:32:33 PM)

Any submissive that has children quickly learns what being a "switch" is all about. [;)]



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