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whiporee -> RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his training. (5/14/2006 12:58:21 PM)
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Lioness --
I wanted to add a take of what i think is going on in his head. i don't think you'll find it good news, but it might help explain a bit.
From what you described, i think his submission came from a place of self deprication and a feeling of unworthiness. I know this isn't the accepoted line, and propbably isn't the case for most submissives, but some of us come to it as negative --as a reinforcement of negative feelings about ourselves,a nd a reaction to what we perceive as a constant rejection. it wasn't submission as much as the feeling that this is the only way a woman would want to spend time with me is if i let her make all the decsions and promise my devotion to her desires. He hadn't had any relationships before you -- my guess is that he was tne love part of a few unreciprocated relationships, and probably was considered to be a "really good freind" to a lot of women. (i was there for a long time. to be honest i still am on those days i don't catch myself) And so he went into the relationship with trepidation and that kind of worldview.
And then things clicked. And suddenly, the relationship he had always envied and desired was there in front of him. For the first time maybe in his life, saw the possibility of normalcy. More importantly, for the first time in his life, he saw love in the eyes of the person looking back at him. Suddenly, he didn't feel so unworthy anymore. Suddenly, a collection of emotions he had figured weren't in the cards for him were there. And the allure of normalcy, the kind of thing he's seen in movies and TV his whole life, was available to him. Regardless of the world he had built up, that attraction cna be overpowering.
But the thing about being in love -- and having someone love you -- is that it's empowering. You want to see respect and love and equality in the eyes of the person who claims to love you. (this is not universal. I'm just trying to explain the possible mindset of a person who hasn't been in relationships, and gravitates to BDSM as an outlet) You don''t want to be told what to do by that person. Sure, a few kinks in the bedroom is all right, but the rest of it? The subservience? the obedience? God, she loves me, and she STILL wants to tell me what to do? it's hard to get your head around. So you rebel, and think that if she loves me, then we'll be like everyone else because that's what everyone wants anyway, right?
He comes to BDSM from a different place than you do. He comes from it out of desperation, and once that desperation fades, the rest of the package isn't as appealing.
For the record, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Once love popped in, this was the way things were going to go. You couldn't have trained him out of it, because he saw BDSM as an the conditions under which he could be tolerated, and you saw it as an act of love and self defintion. Once you showed him love, the BDSM aspect of it became contradictory.
I don't have advice as to where to go from here. I'm sure he's thinking that if you really loved him, why do you need all this? And he's testing that love by not doing the things you tell him to. It honestly, as one who was there, can be unfixable for the first relationship.
He might need another girlfreind, one who wants to live the life he's drunk on. And after a while, if submission is part of who he is, he'll crave it again, this time with a better understanding of himself. But you'll be gone, or too hurt, and that will be that.
or it was for me, anyway.
Thanks for the outlet. Hope i didn't overstep my bounds.
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