RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his training.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/11/2006 1:26:55 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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I think the idea of forcing submission has its merits, but for me I find when working with a alpha male that forcing submission either through chastity or stricter protocol or caging...all of that works for a while, but in a LTR it can breed resentment, it can fester issues.

I have found that taking away my dominance to be the most effective.

In the past I have said:

"This is a sacred thing we do together it is special and unique to us and us alone, it is intimacy and alchemy and only works when both people are deeply invested in their roles, you do not seem to be invested in yours, you do not wish to meet me in our sacred place, so from now until Friday you are not allowed to call me Mistress, not allowed to cook not allowed to clean."

Also I am huge on ceremony as marking milestones heck my initiation process is 6 pages long before they even meet me. For me it works to lay out the stages, and tell them about the level that is right above the one they are on. To tell them what new privileges and responsibility's come with that level and then it is up to them to strive for it....

They want it ....they earn it....they are not fighting or resisting...they love challenges this way they challenge themselves instead of my authority

Your authority has taken a hit, I think you should regroup. I think you should cut off all contact for 2-7 days as you do some self inquiry and figure out where you want this to go. I think you can re think it every month if you wish to, always checking in with him to find out what he needs because his needs and desires will change as will yours the deeper you go into this thing but that is the beauty of it....really....

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 5/11/2006 1:27:25 AM >

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/11/2006 1:40:55 AM

Lionesse

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Joined: 5/8/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

I think the idea of forcing submission has its merits, but for me I find when working with a alpha male that forcing submission either through chastity or stricter protocol or caging...all of that works for a while, but in a LTR it can breed resentment, it can fester issues.

*nods* It can, but I believe he really wants this and needs this. My efforts so far at introducing these new rules and bringing a new level of discipline and control into our relationship where mostly vanilla dynamics were before seems to have paid off.

quote:

In the past I have said:

"This is a sacred thing we do together it is special and unique to us and us alone, it is intimacy and alchemy and only works when both people are deeply invested in their roles, you do not seem to be invested in yours, you do not wish to meet me in our sacred place, so from now until Friday you are not allowed to call me Mistress, not allowed to cook not allowed to clean."

Excellent strategy. I warned him already that I'd be doing something like this. If he withdraws consent by not acting like a slave, he doesn't get played with.

quote:

I think you should cut off all contact for 2-7 days as you do some self inquiry and figure out where you want this to go.

We live together, so that isn't feasible.

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Post #: 42

RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/13/2006 11:30:13 AM

LTRsubNW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

"This is a sacred thing we do together it is special and unique to us and us alone, it is intimacy and alchemy and only works when both people are deeply invested in their roles, you do not seem to be invested in yours, you do not wish to meet me in our sacred place, so from now until Friday you are not allowed to call me Mistress, not allowed to cook not allowed to clean."

What an amazing strategy!!!!

That would get me in a right form of thinking PRONTO!!!!

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Post #: 43

RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/14/2006 12:58:21 PM

whiporee

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Lioness --

I wanted to add a take of what i think is going on in his head. i don't think you'll find it good news, but it might help explain a bit.

From what you described, i think his submission came from a place of self deprication and a feeling of unworthiness. I know this isn't the accepoted line, and propbably isn't the case for most submissives, but some of us come to it as negative --as a reinforcement of negative feelings about ourselves,a nd a reaction to what we perceive as a constant rejection. it wasn't submission as much as the feeling that this is the only way a woman would want to spend time with me is if i let her make all the decsions and promise my devotion to her desires. He hadn't had any relationships before you -- my guess is that he was tne love part of a few unreciprocated relationships, and probably was considered to be a "really good freind" to a lot of women. (i was there for a long time. to be honest i still am on those days i don't catch myself) And so he went into the relationship with trepidation and that kind of worldview.

And then things clicked. And suddenly, the relationship he had always envied and desired was there in front of him. For the first time maybe in his life, saw the possibility of normalcy. More importantly, for the first time in his life, he saw love in the eyes of the person looking back at him. Suddenly, he didn't feel so unworthy anymore. Suddenly, a collection of emotions he had figured weren't in the cards for him were there. And the allure of normalcy, the kind of thing he's seen in movies and TV his whole life, was available to him. Regardless of the world he had built up, that attraction cna be overpowering.

But the thing about being in love -- and having someone love you -- is that it's empowering. You want to see respect and love and equality in the eyes of the person who claims to love you. (this is not universal. I'm just trying to explain the possible mindset of a person who hasn't been in relationships, and gravitates to BDSM as an outlet) You don''t want to be told what to do by that person. Sure, a few kinks in the bedroom is all right, but the rest of it? The subservience? the obedience? God, she loves me, and she STILL wants to tell me what to do? it's hard to get your head around. So you rebel, and think that if she loves me, then we'll be like everyone else because that's what everyone wants anyway, right?

He comes to BDSM from a different place than you do. He comes from it out of desperation, and once that desperation fades, the rest of the package isn't as appealing.

For the record, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Once love popped in, this was the way things were going to go. You couldn't have trained him out of it, because he saw BDSM as an the conditions under which he could be tolerated, and you saw it as an act of love and self defintion. Once you showed him love, the BDSM aspect of it became contradictory.

I don't have advice as to where to go from here. I'm sure he's thinking that if you really loved him, why do you need all this? And he's testing that love by not doing the things you tell him to. It honestly, as one who was there, can be unfixable for the first relationship.

He might need another girlfreind, one who wants to live the life he's drunk on. And after a while, if submission is part of who he is, he'll crave it again, this time with a better understanding of himself. But you'll be gone, or too hurt, and that will be that.

or it was for me, anyway.

Thanks for the outlet. Hope i didn't overstep my bounds.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/14/2006 1:17:43 PM

Princessen

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Thanks for sharing Ms.Lionesse. I'm in a similiar sit. myself. I'm still exploring what it means to me to be a FemDom. Good luck and best wishes.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/14/2006 2:04:17 PM

DiannaVesta

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I feel bad for you. It must really have you turned around. This has happened to me and I will be honest in saying that my nature over ruled and the slave left. I know thats not what you want to hear but flipping this back around again is as hard as someone introducing kinky sex to a VERY straight person. It can be done but there are times when you take a deep breath and wonder if its all worth the struggle.

Good luck to you.

Blessings

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/15/2006 10:14:14 PM

Lionesse

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Whiporee,

You hit the nail on the head in a couple of spots, but in some others I suspect the guesses are off base. I've asked my subbie to read your response, and either he'll post in reply or I will when I get his answer.

Thanks for the input,

L.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/15/2006 10:22:11 PM

Lionesse

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Hi Dianna, thanks for the input.

Actually it's gone swimmingly well, and it hasn't been hard at all. He loves what we do together, appreciates the structure of clear rules and expectations, and says that this is truly what he has always wanted. We're very happy together, and we have found the trick of moving spontaneously from intense, passionate, loving but very strict D/s energy to whispering romantic endearments to one another while cuddling on the couch. An evening might start or end with vanilla snuggling and sex, and also feature plenty of bondage, whipping, caning, buttplugs, slave training, etc.

I'd have to say that upping the D/s ante has very probably saved our relationship. It has certainly made us both MUCH happier, more content, more comfortable and more romantic and loving with each other. What we do, we do for love, and it works for us.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/16/2006 9:47:51 AM

kinkyfemdom

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Joined: 5/3/2006
From: The North East of England
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hello i am on the verge of what has happened to you and am falling for a sub and we havnt even moved in together as yet but i feel its difficult to do stuff when theres strong feelings he is a bit masochistic and feel i need to tread carefully

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/16/2006 9:55:23 AM

DiannaVesta

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lionesse

I'd have to say that upping the D/s ante has very probably saved our relationship. It has certainly made us both MUCH happier, more content, more comfortable and more romantic and loving with each other. What we do, we do for love, and it works for us.

I love it when I hear this.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/16/2006 1:54:19 PM

Lionesse

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Here's what subbie replied to Whiporee's post when I forwarded it to him and asked him to answer it for the thread, because I really couldn't speak for him in this particular respect.

"I don't know. Maybe there is a bit of sub-conscious truth to some statements, but overall it's just a scrap of truth wrapped into a whole bunch of idle speculation from somebody who doesn't even know me in the slightest.

I'm kinky because I'm envious of the relationships that everyone else had, and this was the best I could settle for? Doubtful. Were that the case, I'd have probably been frequenting Professional Dominatrixes for the past 15 years or so. If it's just something I gravitated to, why this? Why not cross dressing? Or self-mutilation? Or animal torture? Or fire starting? Or serial killer tendencies?

If I was going to sit around being envious and desirous of something romance would be relatively far down the list, so I don't think I'd freak out over it once I came face to face with it. On the envy scale I'd put it behind mountain biking, rock climbing, kayaking, surfing, being able to cut off a ball in the gap then hit the cut-off man with the throw, being able to throw the skip pass on the fast break, playing a good game of frisbee golf, being a decent artist, playing the guitar, and probably other things if I thought about it with any significance.

I don't think there is anymore validity in being able to make a statement from afar about why I am kinky than there is in trying to psychoanalyze why my favorite color is red, lasagna is one of my favorite foods, or why I bat right handed even though I throw left handed.

So there is maybe a little accuracy here and there but I wouldn't be laying awake losing sleep over this psychological profile if I was you."

Straight from the subbie's mouth. ;) He can also read and participate here for himself if he wants to.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/16/2006 3:12:21 PM

whiporee

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Great. Didn't meant to offend anyone, but obviously, idle speculation must not be my specialty. Or maybe I was just talking about myself.

Good luck in the future.

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RE: Fell in love with my slave, made mistakes in his tr... - 5/16/2006 6:04:09 PM

WeeIttyBitty

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You could very easily have been describing me, in your original post, I saw a lot of myself in your character description of your boy.

You know how they treat claustrophobia? With a large closet, and they slowly adjust the door closed.. Each little change in the position of the door doesn't give the sufferer a fright, but eventually the door ends up closed. Perhaps this is the way to go, slowly expand the terms you're playing on, until he's in 'the game' or in character nearly all the time.

By play - I dont mean the whip & chains stuff - I mean have him be the Butler one night - cook and serve you dinner - the Gardner on the weekend doing all the yard work - stuff like that ... Absolutely ordinary household events that can be given an erotic charge, that nobody else can see...

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