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Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/18/2011 10:15:14 PM   
txironhead


Posts: 68
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline 		I am a very firm believer in learning from other people's mistakes, especially when it comes to something as important as being responsible for a sub's physical and mental safety.  And, of course, knowing as much as possible so I can just raise an eyebrow when a sub even thinks about questioning me.....

So, Dom/mes, what is the biggest and/or worst mistake you have made when dealing with a sub?  Subs, what is the worst that has happened to you?  On any level, mental/physical/emotional/legal/etc.

As for myself, I "entered" into a situation without fully learning about the sub and her mental issues.  Complete emotional outburst fiasco.  Luckily, no lasting damage was done, but I have learned my lesson about getting to know the person and asking some rather important questions before anything happens.
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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/18/2011 10:30:52 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: txironhead

Subs, what is the worst that has happened to you?  On any level, mental/physical/emotional/legal/etc.


Greetings,

i entered a situation with someone that appeared good at the onset that would prove otherwise in the long run. His betrayal and other antics nearly killed my desire to serve or engage in that fashion ever again. However, allowing him to have that degree of power over me after we parted ways was not acceptable. Though if it were up to him i'd never kneel again. Honoring that wish was out of the question.

Instead of falling apart i used it as a springboard for change and betterment. In the long run he did me a giant favor and ushered in sweeping changes that revealed my real self under the debris. Over time i found the ability to forgive and look back on the experience as a necessary evil in my journey as a woman and property. The most important lesson that i took away was ownership of my person in a manner that will never permit anyone to cause my undoing to the degree where i sacrifice what i love because i'm too hurt to continue.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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His will; my fate.

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/18/2011 10:39:18 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		The worst mistake I made was one I made regularly, and took me far too long to break.

I would shove aside any negative feelings/thoughts/opinions under the guise of "not wanting to be a bother" to the person I had submitted myself to. It was more of a bother in the long run when things spilled out in an emotional torrent, instead of sitting down and discussing things calmly one at a time. I still find this somewhat difficult, I still don't want to be any trouble. I want to be perfect.

I'm not, though. I'm human and faulty, and I can only do my best to be honest about it and my feelings. Thats how I push myself past it.

I also realize this may not be the exact type of example you're looking for, but I'm posting it anyway.

< Message edited by caelestis -- 4/18/2011 10:40:55 PM >

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/18/2011 10:45:31 PM   
TheShrew


Posts: 519
Joined: 2/15/2009
From: The state I live in? Confusion.
Status: offline 		FetCon, Tampa, 2004. After returning from "The Castle" the DoubleTree was a free for all. The 3rd sub I was flogging/ paddling/ caning began taunting me during warm-up .. asking me if that's as hard as I could hit him. Rather than making the wise decision to stop, unbind him, and tell him to piss off .. I thrashed him beyond what he had anticipated.
I let him provoke me to an action that wasn't my original plan/intention. Once I thrashed him I had to acknowledge that I did not maintain proper control of myself much less the situation. First and last time I've ever "played" after having imbibed or while annoyed/angry.

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/18/2011 10:48:44 PM   
txironhead


Posts: 68
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: caelestis
I also realize this may not be the exact type of example you're looking for, but I'm posting it anyway.


Hey, knowledge is knowledge, and I may come across the need for this type of information in the future.  That's why I didn't want to pin it down to any specifics when I asked the question.

I am learning that in any relationship, be it vanilla or the kinkiest BDSM ever, communication is one of the most important aspects. 

(in reply to caelestis)
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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/18/2011 10:50:20 PM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		Burned a sub with a knife I altogether forgot was still hot after being sterilized with fire. No real damage as I was just teasing her with it to begin, but I felt incredibly bad about it and things were a bit strained for a while. Given that burning is one of the things I absolutely will not do and was pretty much her only hard limit, it was a highly regrettable outcome.

Moral of the story: absent-mindedness is one of your worst enemies, and good aftercare can be the panacea for many ills.

< Message edited by Palliata -- 4/18/2011 10:59:02 PM >

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 12:21:36 AM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		my ex-mistress used to have her b/f fuck me. this was not a problem, monogamy wasn't part of the deal to begin with. the mistake she made was deciding that i would become his sub as well. it ended things. the lesson? submission cannot just be transfered or spread about on a whim it is a very personal thing and is centered on a specific person. the girl who willingly and happily submits to all and sundry is a fantasy.


hannah lynn

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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 12:45:30 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		The worst mistake I made in my whole life was to assume that I could count on someone else for my own happiness.  I have since learned that only I am responsible for my own happiness. 

(in reply to txironhead)
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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 12:51:06 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		My worst mistake?

Making someone a priority when I was only an option.

Over and over again.

Eventually I will learn.

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 2:00:19 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I have a stubborn streak a mile wide, coupled with an unhelpful amount of pride. It was pretty irritating and counter-productive early on in my relationship with M ( it still can be at times)...........and one of the things that I hated at the time was being told* to do anything. (yes, yes, I know, strange choice of relationship, considering that)

He *told* me I was to call him *sir*until further notice........ which I hated doing at the time. (Not because he wanted to be called *sir* but because I was consistantly stubborn and too stuffed with pride to do so).

I kept *forgetting* so he added a cane stroke for every time I didn't say it. During the week while he was away, I thought I was being clever by pushing the number of cane strokes up to a ridiculous level, thinking that it would be impossible to carry them out. I managed to reach 400 strokes.

The very next time he walked through the door he tied me over my bench and calmly began delivering the accrued strokes....from cold.

He stopped after 200, by which time my bum was bleeding in places and I was a sobbing mess. I was stupendously relieved when he untied me and chatted away after making me a delicious lunch. The ordeal was over.

I was right......I thought. A little part of me felt victorious, my ploy had worked............yet inside I was also disappointed.

After clearing away our plates he said cheerfully* Right, back upstairs, we have to get through the other 200*.

That was the worst beating I've ever had and I never, EVER made the mistake of thinking he wouldn't do what he said he'd do, EVER again.

It also was the best of times, despite the utter agony, to know I would never be able to manipulate him. It also gave me a huge hand in keeping both my stubborness and pride in check.

agirl




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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 7:00:11 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Subs, what is the worst that has happened to you?

Over 100 stitches, inside and out, in my side when he stabbed me during some knife play. It tickled and I moved....can I say oopps?

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 7:08:00 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		His (ex) biggest mistake:  He wasn't a kind person. My biggest mistake:  I thought I deserved to be treated poorly.

That's really it, in a nutshell.  All the drama and injuries and emotional wounds simply fell under that umbrella.


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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 7:09:09 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: txironhead
So, Dom/mes, what is the biggest and/or worst mistake you have made when dealing with a sub?


When I was young and still somewhat unsure of myself, I tried to act the way I thought I should be( as a dominant), rather than be who I am.
I didn't yet realize that these things are done with the heart, not the head.

Yeah. Some people got really hurt(emotionally) in my learning process.

And holy fuck Mist. If that happened to a gal I was playing with, I'd be traumatized for weeks.
Fun and games is one thing-ER's and internal stitches are quite another.


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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 7:11:04 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Taught me that when he said not to move, he meant it lol.

It was an accident, I got hurt...we got over it. Life went on.

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 7:35:41 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Taught me that when he said not to move, he meant it lol.

It was an accident, I got hurt...we got over it. Life went on.


Has to be said......best not move when told not to. Accidents really do slip into a slightly different category.

agirl


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See how easy it can be?

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 7:40:15 AM   
txironhead


Posts: 68
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Accidents really do slip into a slightly different category.

agirl



Very true, but definitely worth mentioning.  And as was said, damn.  That would traumatize me too!

Overall, this is exactly the kind of input I'm looking for, keep it coming!

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 8:00:50 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

The worst mistake I made in my whole life was to assume that I could count on someone else for my own happiness.  I have since learned that only I am responsible for my own happiness. 


QFT

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 8:04:27 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Quality response Kana!

I spent my teens trying to be the person I thought I ought to be, it took till my late twenties to become happy being the person I am (for all my many many faults).

ML

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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 8:32:31 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		My worst mistake was in playing with a Domme who had taken drugs and alcohol before and during our play time.  It was the only time I've ever had to go to a hospital due to BDSM activities.

I now have a hard limit.  No drugs or alcohol if you plan to play with me.  I don't care if you say that you're just "a little tipsy", or you only have a "slight buzz", or that you're "just trying to take the edge off".  High is high, and it's not safe.

People who are high always think that they're in complete control.  But they're not.  So how can you seek to control others when you're not in complete control of yourself?

Bondage and drugs don't mix.  Knife play and drugs don't mix.  Fire play and drugs don't mix.  Floggers/whips/paddles/canes and drugs don't mix.  Suspension play and drugs don't mix. Electrical play and drugs don't mix.  Etc.

As Nancy Reagan used to say, "Just say 'no' to drugs."

(in reply to txironhead)
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RE: Biggest/worst mistake? - 4/19/2011 9:03:40 AM   
peachgirl


Posts: 396
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline 		I was involved with a Dom who had very little self-control, which trickled down into mental and physical hurts. I was a newbie and had a bit of sub frenzy, but being totally new, I had no tools to recognize what was going on.

You can't dominate someone when you can't regulate yourself, is what it comes down to.

Good luck on your journey.

_____________________________

Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
- Bob Welch

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