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brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/9/2006 3:44:03 PM

nicochan

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i kind of have two issues that are related.

Like the subject says, i was brought up Catholic. i was adopted by my grandparents and grew up a good Catholic girl. i was sheltered, and i have a theory that 2 bouts of depression and a lifetime of anxiety disorders (that I've learned to manage with two medications and good friends) has made my mental age more like 18 to my chronological 23. i am in college, a little over a year from graduating, and i am more independent than i was, though i always have been very dependent. i was with my ex-fiance for almost 7 years until he decided that he was through with being nice, i suppose, and said he'd been trying to change me the whole time, and became more of a snob than he already was. We had tried a few slightly kinky things, but nothing big. i was wanting answers from him on why he told me one day after a long break from our relationship and just dated each other again to work things out, but some girl asked to date him exclusively or not at all and he accepted. A guy friend of mine that had just transferred to my university and i started talking and got really close. He informed me that he was in an open marriage, during some part of the conversation, we talked about other things, and he was very sweet. It was comforting, we grew closer fast and we slept together because i was feeling vulnerable, but we ended up really caring for each other. We started a D/s and M/s relationship, He became my Master and He was there to comfort me. His Wife joined in, as she is bisexual, and i have discovered that i am bi as well. Now He and His Wife are my Owners, and i couldn't be happier. We recently celebrated the first anniversary of my collaring. i feel like i've known them forever, and that i've waited for this my whole life. i theoretically mentioned being in a relationship with them, and my mom flipped out, saying things like "I raised you better than that," "That's adultery," and "You're a good Catholic girl, you're a better person than that," though she calmed down with i lied and told her that i was just wondering and that it wasn't true. Sometimes she and dad say things about planning for the future and hoping that i'll be okay and secure (my dad has terminal lung cancer), that i will be married and have money and a place of my own. Sometimes i want that, too, because i'm such a traditionalist, and i missed out with my ex-fiance. If the circumstances hasn't worked out like they had, that IS what i would be looking for, not a poly relationship. But i also know how happy i am, how much i love Them and They love me, and how i love making Them happy and Their lives better. The three of us walk hand in hand together, not caring what others think, except in regards to Her job as a teacher at the university we all attend for Her Phd, my BA. in art, and His MA, and His future job as a counselor specializing in Human Sexuality. We also participate in BDSM activities with the local group. i wonder sometimes if i can do this for the rest of my life, if it will affect my mental health, getting a job or being passed over for one, etc. i know that sexual orientation cannot be discriminated against, but are there loopholes, like being fired without reason? Does anyone have any experience or insights that would help? i'm so comfortable and happy in this relationship, with people who love me and help me when my anxiety and depression spike from stress, who accept me just the way i am. i just want to know what i should/can do now to prevent possible problems.

Also, BDSM and "threesome relationships" are becoming popular on TV, like Big Love, polygamy arrests, a recent episode of Boston Legal with a married threesome that had to get divorced, a recent episode of CSI where the secondary became alpha in every way in name and the alpha killed her, news about slave contracts being taken to court, the Mistress Heather CSI episodes, and probably many more. The ex told me he thinks that my Master is "the biggest ball of slime [he's] ever met," and i hope that others don't think the same way, about us and about others like us around the country, even the world. How do you think these "hot topics" in news and television are influencing the way people think about polyamory and/or BDSM? Or are there some people that refuse to be influenced and hold their beliefs to the stereotypes? Do these topics change or influence religion or the religious (priests, nuns, maybe even the Pope, etc.) in any way?

Sorry for such a long post. i have psychology and sociology on the brain at the moment, as psych is my minor.

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/9/2006 3:51:27 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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It's opening things up to more discussion, but it's not doing much on its own as far as educating people or changing actual perceptions. Only person to person interaction does that.

Coming out to family about anything is a huge personal deal and needs to be handled on a case by case basis. My mother is the type who can be best friends forever with a pagan- but still be completely sure that the pagan is going to hell.

Oh and yes, there are many places you can be fired for no reason at all. And there are many people in executive positions within the government who are kinky and have full security clearances.

So just don't be stupid and tread slowly.

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/9/2006 3:57:49 PM

toilet4use

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Lots of questions, and I'm not really sure if I have any answers...

First of all, the fact that your ex-fiance thinks your present lover/master/whatever is 'a ball of slime' should be dismissed out of hand. Both because he's not a part of your relationship, and it sounds to me like he's jealous, and that he wishes YOU had these feelings for him.

Society's perception of our 'lifestyle' (doesn't that seem an inadequate term for what you feel?) is, at it's core, irrelevant. What matters is what YOU feel, and what YOU want, not just for now, but for your future. If you feel fulfilled by the life you live, you're doing better than 90% of the people you're ever going to meet.

Just relax, and live. Lots of subs would read your post and be jealous that you've found something so positive. Be proud of yourself, and the joy you bring to ones you love.

Paul (aka toilet4use)

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/9/2006 4:06:08 PM

nicochan

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Thanks, LA and Paul. i do plan to tread very slowly. i'm very happy, so incredibly happy that i have the relationship that i do. People just make me wonder sometimes. They're accepting for one thing/for one minute, and discriminatory for another/the next. i guess i just hope that one day everyone can just get along. :3

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/9/2006 7:30:02 PM

ArchangelMichael

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From: New Orleans, LA
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What it comes down to is that you just need to decide what's right for you. If you are happy in your current relationship and you know they love you, then there's no reason to doubt it. I understand the guilt factor. I was brought up as a Catholic, too, so I know what guilt is all about.

You also mentioned being a traditionalist and thinking you mght want marriage instead of what you have. Maybe you didn't miss out. A friend of mine was just telling me the other day that everyone she knows who is married is miserable. Would you rather be happy as you are now or possibly miserable because you're just following tradition? Maybe this poly relationship is where you are meant to be, even if it'd where you're meant to be right now. Don't consider marriage if you're only doing it because it's traditional. Consider it only if it is something you really want.

I'm not a poly person, so I have to admit that I don't really understand it that much. It would never work for me. And yes I do wonder how you can be happy in such a relationship. However, the fact is that you are happy and you are aware of it. And that's all I need to know to tell you to stick with it. Why should we have to be miserable in a traditional relationship if we find ourselves happy with something else? Just be aware of your own needs and what will make you happy. Maybe you will change your mind one day and say, "Hey, I want a monogamous relationship with a man and I want to get married." That is when you should consider it. Until then, be content with what you have. All too often, we flee paradise to see what else is out there, when we had everything we needed right here to begin with.

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/9/2006 7:46:01 PM

mixielicous

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you sound completely satisfied to me ........ other than some confusion.

this comes off as what you want, so maybe mom might not be a happy camper ...

i cant offer advice, as i wasnt raised religously or tradationally at all so i dont know where you are coming from. just follow your heart - sounds like you are

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/10/2006 3:56:04 AM

twicehappy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nicochan

The ex told me he thinks that my Master is "the biggest ball of slime [he's] ever met," and i hope that others don't think the same way, about us and about others like us around the country, even the world.
Sorry for such a long post. i have psychology and sociology on the brain at the moment, as psych is my minor.

Sweetheart i copied and pasted this(i skipped the first part here) from a post i made on another thread. Words of wisdom to live by given to me by a wise old friend. He would want them passed on. I live by them and they keep me sane, quit worrying about what everybody thinks and do what you need to in order to be happy;

The 2nd thing he told me was to remember no matter what I had to do to survive in a world that imprisoned people of radical ideas calling them outlaws, no matter the exterior I needed to wear to survive, they could not change or imprison my mind, unless I let them.

The 3rd and most important thing he told me was be myself, whoever or whatever that meant. If it felt right to me do it without shame, hesitation or fear. That as long as I did this I would know for sure that the people who loved me were real.

And then tapping the colors on his back, he downed a shot from a bottle of Jack, grinned, kicked over the scooter, held out his hand and pulled me up behind him on the bike, leaned in real close and said "babe as to the rest of the world, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke".

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/10/2006 4:56:12 AM

TNstepsout

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I would say you are young enough now that if someday you decide you want the hubby, house in the suburns, and two and a half kids, there is still plenty of time for that. The thing is, that "traditional life" is only what it appears to be on the outside. Most people spend a lot of time, money and effort crafting the appearance of that perfect Leave it to Beaver life, only to find they are miserable living inside it. Or they reach a point where they can let their hair down a bit and let other part of themselves live within in and figure "screw what the rest of the world thinks". Either way, few people actually live, embrace and are fulfilled that "traditional" life because it's an ideal, it's not real. Mostly we put our own twist on it, or we are miserable and we get out and move on.

So I would say enjoy what you have now. Learn from it. Grow with it. Become a stronger more whole person and embrace being loved, comforted and supported by two people who don't expect you to be a certain way. Over time you may decide that kind of life isn't for you, but if that happens you can move on knowing what you really want, not what you've been taught you should want.

I would avoid telling people because it's simply too hard a concept for most to grasp and you'll end up feeling frustrated trying to defend your choices. I would simply not bring it up and let people form their own conclusions as to your arrangement with this couple. If someone is bold enough to ask then it's your choice whether you want to tell all or not. It's really not anyone elses business.

Oh and I wouldn't give a second thought to what the ex-fiance thinks.

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RE: brought up catholic/poly and bdsm influences on people - 5/10/2006 3:38:05 PM

badpaliden

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Hmm .......I remember some smart fella wrote "To thine own self be true." It has worked for me and a WHOLE bunch of other folks. Would you rather have your self happy now , or sit around with out what you have and wait on the chance you will find that "someone" ? seems a no brainer huh. ;) As to what other think . Fuck um if they cant take a joke! honestly! No one is going to live YOUR life but you.. so why let what some one ,not living it tell you what to do? lest in MHO. *Wink*

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