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Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 1:33:58 PM   
weird123m


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/20/2010
Status: offline 		While I do believe this question was brought up sometime ago, I haven't been able to find it.

This might also be my age showing, but when do you bring up or "reveal" that you are into the lifestyle with a potential partner? While CM and other sites have helped me might truly like minded individuals there have been times when I'm set up through friends or meet an intrguing woman. I try to hold back discussing my interests in dominance and control until the conversation manuevers toward sex. I am not a rush to the bedroom and demonstrate kind of guy, never have been interested in one night stands either. But I digress. Do any of you have any thoughts on how to bring it up?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 1:43:48 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Great question. If you feel that chemistry with someone (and you are not already attached) you want to get to know them and see if they have potential. But you don't want to waste your time if the very thought of BDSM is going to squeak them.

You can do a lot in terms of feeling someone out in the way you flirt. Example: I was at the grocery store the other day, in the bakery section squeezing buns when a man came up next to me and started squeezing, too (bakery buns, you pervs). He started jokign about squeezing buns and said he'd like to squeeze mine. I said: What makes you think I would let you? Maybe*I* prefer to the squeezer. From the look on his face, I scored a direct hit.

I think you just joke and flirt around in a way that makes your kink a pretty good possibility, and if they don't run screaming in the other direction, you might have a keeper.





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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 1:54:33 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		With me, it comes right after cheesecake, I fully disclose my dick, and tell the prospect that she will spend alotta time with her mouth attached to it, starting now.

Look, EVERYBODY is figuring they are at least a little bit kinky, even if you and I laugh at what their idea of kinky is, not everybody is gonna be as all out depraved as us enlightened ones, but maybe if you even get to sex with someone, and after a fairly light and easy start, little bit of this and that, no tools out, and so on, in the afterglow is where I would do the come to jesus thing.

If girls do that to get you to marry them, no reason you can't do it to girls to get them to be your toilet slave, know whadda mean, Vern?

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 1:58:13 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		+1.  I am also of the "sooner rather than later but done in a subtle way" camp.

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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 2:16:13 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		For me it'd come up whenever it did. I'm not focused on building a "lifestyle relationship". If I was looking for a partner I'd be looking for a life partner first, everything else second. So first I'd find this wonderful woman. Then I'd size her up and decide if perhaps being a slave would work for her. Assuming I felt that an M/s relationship would work for her then I'd go ahead and discuss it with her. This might all come up on the first date or 2 years into a marriage.

Honestly I think of myself as flexible and adaptable. I'd be wanting to build whatever relationship seems best for the woman and myself. The fact that I don't particularly require submissiveness in my life partner gives me a lot of flexibility in how/when to approach the topic.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to weird123m)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 2:16:43 PM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Another question I have concerning this topic is how to signify to someone in the vanilla world your D/s interest and orientation let's say on a vanilla dating site or someplace like that.  Sexual compatibility is such an important part of any relationship, and yet, no one seems to discuss this topic until they are rather far into a relationship.  By then, you can waste a lot of time developing a relationship with someone you are not sexually compatible.  There is such a fine balance between full disclosure early in a relationship, and scaring away potential partners who would generally be willing to explore if given time to develop trust.


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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 2:24:43 PM   
weird123m


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

Another question I have concerning this topic is how to signify to someone in the vanilla world your D/s interest and orientation let's say on a vanilla dating site or someplace like that.  Sexual compatibility is such an important part of any relationship, and yet, no one seems to discuss this topic until they are rather far into a relationship.  By then, you can waste a lot of time developing a relationship with someone you are not sexually compatible.  There is such a fine balance between full disclosure early in a relationship, and scaring away potential partners who would generally be willing to explore if given time to develop trust.




I can say that since I wait to move on to anything sexual in the early parts of a relationship Ive always had time to discuss it with the girl I'm pursuing. Most times they want to try it out and explore, some don't. I always try to respect her wishes and D/s interest to me isn't the end all be all for a happy sex life.

(in reply to Tristan)
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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 2:52:34 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: weird123m

While I do believe this question was brought up sometime ago, I haven't been able to find it.

This might also be my age showing, but when do you bring up or "reveal" that you are into the lifestyle with a potential partner? While CM and other sites have helped me might truly like minded individuals there have been times when I'm set up through friends or meet an intrguing woman. I try to hold back discussing my interests in dominance and control until the conversation manuevers toward sex. I am not a rush to the bedroom and demonstrate kind of guy, never have been interested in one night stands either. But I digress. Do any of you have any thoughts on how to bring it up?


I'm very wary of discussing D/s dynamics with just anyone. Thing is, you can't control your heart and getting emotionally attached to a "pure bred" vanilla is just another kind of hell.

That said, it's not always convenient or even possible to meet someone I know to be a fem/sub from the outset. Out there in the vanilla world, there are clues to be had, including from likely fem/subs who've never even heard of the lifestyle.

The eyes are a good start for cues and clues. Putting "the stare" on a potential errrrr.... "target"(?) can tell you a lot from their response. They might instinctively drop their eyes (a great start) or take up the challenge and glare back in defiance (I suddenly lose all interest). Mostly, it's the middle ground of curiosity as to wtf am I staring at.... lol

Amongst friends and acquaintances (friends of friends etc) I play with my dominant persona. Maybe bark a few commands ("sit up; stop slouching!" etc), call everyone "girl". There are those who respond in a submissively positive way and those who just wanna kick you in the nuts. Most roll their eyes and laugh or ignore - and I ain't interested in "most"....

Women do have antennae and all zero in on the subtleties that intrigue them. And get used to the "typical chauvanistic or male pig" attitude.... lol

Question for you and re your age (since you think it's a hindrance) is what is it that makes certain women "intriguing" to you? If it's just a hot body then you're setting yourself up for D/s frustration. To me, "personality" would have to include responding positively to my "take charge" ways....

Focus.

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 2:57:54 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		As Im banging her...

BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 3:01:14 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Grab her by the hair, fling her across the room, and say very softly....

guess what this is gonna be about...........

as you start pulling off your belt.



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 3:28:09 PM   
weird123m


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50



Question for you and re your age (since you think it's a hindrance) is what is it that makes certain women "intriguing" to you? If it's just a hot body then you're setting yourself up for D/s frustration. To me, "personality" would have to include responding positively to my "take charge" ways....

Focus.[/font][/size][/color]


For me "personality" is what intially hooks me in. I prefer a woman I can talk to over a simple hot body. Ideally I'm going to be doing much more talking to her than her laying around naked in the early stages.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 3:56:14 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I was contacted by a dom on match.com because i had said in my profile that i didn't wish to be in charge, just to have a say. Perhaps you could say something along the lines that you are the take-charge or in-charge kind of guy, but welcome input from your date.
Its fairly inoccuous, but would scare off the types that aren't submissive in the least little bit. And if they don't balk at the take chargeness of you , then maybe they would be fairly open to being a bit more formal in the relationship.

Of course, you won't know until you try.

(in reply to Tristan)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 3:58:38 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan
There is such a fine balance between full disclosure early in a relationship, and scaring away potential partners who would generally be willing to explore if given time to develop trust.

No there isn't. If you scared them away then they weren't a potential partner. Look, I discuss the things that matter to me very early on when I'm meeting a woman... very early as in "first date". Those things are not sex since that would never be what defined compatibility between myself and someone else. But if the critical success factors were sexual, then you can bet they'd be discussed right up front.

How? I'd go with something tricky like, I'm pretty kinky in the bedroom. I like tying my lover down and taking them. I like to spank them, flog them, and in general take them on a sensation roller coaster until they don't know which end is up. This is very important to me. I love my sexuality. Got anything you'd like more detail on?

I mean seriously. If sex is important enough to you that it's a deal breaker, then it better be at least close to that important to any reasonable partner for you, no? That means they shouldn't be shocked by anything you've said. If they themselves are interested in that stuff then they'll ask more questions. If not they'll blush and this will be the last date with them.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Tristan)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 4:00:23 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Grab her by the hair, fling her across the room, and say very softly....

guess what this is gonna be about...........

as you start pulling off your belt.


Ha! i saw that in a film and he didn't talk. He simply took off his belt and started railing. Since they didn't have a kinky relationship and she was actually being held against her will, the whole thing was pretty frigging hot.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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His will; my fate.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 4:27:33 PM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

I do not hide the submissive part of who I am with anyone I meet, but I do not bring it up unless asked. However I do not hide the books in my shelf and I have Gorean lifestyle and Spiritual BDSM listed among my interests at facebook so most my friends know. I just do not see it as something that need to be discussed.

As for lovers, I have never been with anyone who have not been kinky and who have not known me to be kinky from the start so the problem have never really come up. But I am a rather up front person and I care little if anyone think be strange so I think I would just plump out and say it.

I wish you well.


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Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 4:36:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I appreciate it prior to having sex. I don't want to think we're compatible and then he springs on me all this stuff that is going to make me run for the hills. It makes me feel that he waited to make sure he did get sex with me, makes me feel used.

However I met The Man at a kink site, which made life easier. We read each other's checklist and knew we were compatible as far as kink went, so then could focus on normal compatibility.


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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 6:02:28 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've never said anything to anyone when getting to know them.

I simply dated men who were dominant in personality and the rest just fell into place.

I never looked for "doms". I looked for dominant personality men.



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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 6:26:58 PM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		not till she's fully restrained


hannah lynn


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clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 7:01:22 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: weird123m

While I do believe this question was brought up sometime ago, I haven't been able to find it.

This might also be my age showing, but when do you bring up or "reveal" that you are into the lifestyle with a potential partner? While CM and other sites have helped me might truly like minded individuals there have been times when I'm set up through friends or meet an intrguing woman. I try to hold back discussing my interests in dominance and control until the conversation manuevers toward sex. I am not a rush to the bedroom and demonstrate kind of guy, never have been interested in one night stands either. But I digress. Do any of you have any thoughts on how to bring it up?

About a month or so ago, I believe it was DarkSteven who created a thread to discuss this topic.  If you flip back through the pages on the General board, I'm sure you would be able to find the thread and see the responses there as well as the responses you are getting here.

As to your question, I really don't engage with others unless I know they are kinky.  I'm poly, but I don't date vanilla folks.  I'm not much help to you in this area.


ETA - It was a little further back than I had thought, but here's the thread.  http://www.collarchat.com/m_3545859/tm.htm


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 4/22/2011 7:18:16 PM >

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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Full disclosure - 4/22/2011 7:14:19 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		For me the conversation would slowly go in that direction, over the course of a few dates. I would see no point in any sort of discussion of this type unless I liked the person well enough to know I would want to have sex with them.

Once I thought an intimate relationship was a real possibility I would only think it fair to talk a little about my physical needs and encourage the other person to be open about their own. If someone cannot talk about sexuality, the likelihood of a sustainable relationship plummets in my mind.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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