A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom

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Phoenix92x -> A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/9/2006 11:28:29 PM)
Hi Folks. A bit of background on me before I discuss my problem. I'm a 19 year old male who has known about my dominant nature since I was very young but only accepted it one or two years ago. I've been in a couple of BDSM relationships and am currently in a type of open relationship with a submissive girl. I've noticed a pattern in my relationships, it occured before I accepted myself as a dom and began to seek BDSM relationships, at which point the pattern became more obvious as one of the causes for some relationship problems I have and I would like advice. (wow, run on sentence, eh, I blame it on lack of sleep). That pattern (ok, pattern probably isn't the right word, once again, tired, lol). The pattern is that I am so incredibly terrified of screwing up as a Dom and to how the sub will react. That she will lose faith in me, not want me anymore. So I seem to not be able to feel allright making a mistake or failing at something with anything regarding a sub. This of course means that I just internalize the fear. There's this feeling of having to be superman to be wanted by a sub, but I'm not sure why that belief is there. I can see that relationships require partners being able to forgive each other for mistakes and failures, and I can forgive a partner for almost anything, but I see myself as utterly unforgivable for anything I do, and I know that if I continue like this is will doom my relationships. I need some advice on what I can do. And before anyone suggests any sort of therapy, I'm pretty much broke. I know that a lot of you out there are tons more experienced than I am. I'm asking for some of that experience. Thank you, Phoenix

BrutalAntipathy -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/9/2006 11:41:49 PM)
*Hello Phoenix, and welcome.* I think that many of us go through this, and there is no easy solution to it. As a dominant, you are under a lot of pressure. You have a mountain of responsibility on your hands, and it would be a bad sign were you to not feel the weight of it on your shoulders. First, you have to accept the sad but true fact that you WILL make mistakes. You don't have to forgive yourself for them. I never do. But it is probably best that you learn to do so. But what is more important than admitting that you will make mistakes is your ability to learn from those mistakes so that you do not repeat them. Analyze your faults, see what you did wrong, and learn from it so that it does not happen again. We all make mistakes. Fools repeat the same mistakes over and over. If you cannot forgive yourself for your mistakes, at least learn to take a bit of pride in looking back and seeing that you weren't foolish with any of them. And while we are talking mistakes, let me cover something that will certainly tick people here off. Do NOT make the mistake of getting yourself a mentor. Why, when you have access to thousands of people on the internet, would you wish to constrain your views to the outlook of a single person who very well might be a fool theirself? Why not partake of a variety of views and therefore get a more comprehensive picture of whatever you wish to know? You have the best mentor in the world right at your fingertips. Don't buy into the hivemind. *Best of luck to you.*

LadyKim -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/9/2006 11:44:46 PM)
Phoenix, It sounds like you are lacking in confidence which is the key component for any dominant. It is one thing to be concerned for your submissive's safety and wellbeing; however, it sounds more like you are second, third, and fourth guessing yourself. It is obvious part of this is from lack of hands on experience with reading body language and developing comfort with your own skills. According to your profile, you are in an area that has a rich bdsm scene. It is one thing to get 'ideas' online and make friends; however, that doesn't help you learn to read body language or know when your falls are cracking too soon or off target. I think it would be in your best interest to visit one of the bdsm clubs or munches in the Chicago area. Sit down and talk with the leader of the event, and let him/her know your concerns. The person may be able to put you in touch with someone that could serve as a mentor to help you learn technics and build your confidence levels. I know BrutalAntipathy suggested that you NOT find a local mentor; however, I think he is not realizing what physical and VISUAL hands on experience can do to confidence levels. I'm not saying become the clone of your mentor. You should utilize information from a variety of sources; however, the internet community cannot help you be able to judge the feeling in your muscles when there is a throw that is off, or show you when to snap your wrist to avoid the errant stroke, or how to blend touch with distance and pain to build electric chemistry during a scene. Those are things you have to EXPERIENCE not just read. It also helps to be able to watch others that have been doing this a while 'play'. Not only will it give you some interesting new twists and thoughts of how to develop your own play time, it will also help you see how other dominants and subs interact with each other during play. Watching a subs body language while she is under the whip of his or her dominant and how he responds, can help you start to get an idea of what to look for when you are playing. One of the big mood killers in any scene is a dominant that stops and asks the sub every ten minutes or so how they are doing. It keeps the sub from being able to melt into the encounter and keeps you from really building that energy that builds really awesome scenes. Most mentors do not charge for helping someone. If someone does want to charge you, then they probably aren't someone you should be mentoring with in the first place. The mentor may require you to go 'under the lash' so to speak. Don't look at it as challenging your dominant side. It really is the best way to get an idea of what it is like for the submissive under your control. It also helps you learn what goes on in a subs mind as things progress which can be a POWERFUL tool. Good luck. MzKim

Phoenix92x -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/9/2006 11:53:56 PM)
BrutalAntipathy: thank you for the response. Wow this board responds fast. I can agree that not repeating the mistake is very important as to learn from it, but what can be done with the very negative feelings of failure and fear of the submissive not wanting you?. LadyKim: Thank you also for your response, I am becoming active in the Chicago BDSM community. I do think you may have misunderstood some of my problem, however. When I do refer to "screwing up as a dom" Im not referring to in play. I'm quite comfortable in play (although obviously one can always learn). I mean screwing up more in the non-play side. In the non-play side of the relationship and how that would then affect both of our mindsets in play later (and in general). I'm comfortable and confident physically, but not mentally. Self confidence I do have in spades, but not self worth. And that's what Im looking to overcome. I guess the gist of it comes down to, how can one be an effective dom when he has self worth problems? Do either of you have any other advice given the above clarification? Thank you both again -- Phoenix

BrutalAntipathy -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:03:57 AM)
*I channel my negative feelings into useful energy. Oh, ok, and sometimes I simply vent it by making someone else feel miserable. I never claimed to not be a sadist!* As for the fear of a sub not wanting you, I suspect that this stems from your relative inexperience. The more you learn to control yourself, the more worthy you will consider yourself to be. This doesn't stop at D/s either. Whatever you master will have a cumulative effect on your feelings of self worth. This will only come with practice, self discipline, and time. Nobody can give it to you but yourself, although the comments of others can influence it to some degree. In the mean time, learn to enjoy the moment, then reflect upon it later. And always make sure to weigh the positives against the negatives. More often than not, hindsight will show that the balance is in favor of the positive. That alone should help bolster your feelings of self worth.

Phoenix92x -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:09:25 AM)
BrutalAntipathy: I really like the idea of channeling negative feelings into positive and useful energy. The buhddist religion has a term for that, and it is something one is supposed to do to be happy (although I cannot remember the name). I really do hope that the fear leaves with more experience. And i can see myself agreeing, drawing an analogy to my computer work. If I was fairly new at it I'd be terrified of screwing up an important system if I was working on it. But after having it be my life for so long I know I can fix what is thrown at me. Thank you, Phoenix

LadyKim -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:23:28 AM)
Phoenix, The key to building self-confidence is learning to accept yourself and developing a strong sense of who you are. When you believe in yourself, you have fewer difficulties stating what you want and standing up for yourself. Why is it so important to have good self-esteem? Quite simply put confidence is the cornerstone to being in control. If you find yourself lacking in the self-esteem department, then you need to realize that you have the ability to control your place in the world. Learn how to become your own cheerleader rather than your worst critic. I know there have been times you look at yourself in the mirror and start listing all the things you don’t like about yourself. Well, supermodels and actresses do the same thing. Why do you think that anorexia and bulimia are such big problems in our society? There is no one that has a perfect body. Surprise! The images of women that grace the glossy pages of magazines need the help of airbrushing despite the fact the clothes may have been custom made for these ladies who have spent hours in the makeup chair. This applies to much more than appearance. World leaders are surrounded by aids and consultants to help them make decisions. You think they don't second guess themselves? Of course, they do. So, next time you catch yourself running down your list of faults... stop! Then, start rattling off the things about yourself you really like. When you feel like you have the control your self-esteem starts skyrocketing. In order for you to effectively exercise control over someone else, you must first have a sense of control in your own life. It is the only way you will be able to truly exude a believable commanding presence to seduce a submissive. Think about the people who walk into a room or you see on tv that you instantly respect or trust to be in authority. What makes them so special? Well, they believe they can handle various situations and themselves. Military and police officers are taught to identify the various components of whatever situation they face, assess what action needs to be taken, figure out what kind of intervention needs to be made, act on it, and give off the impression that they know what they are doing. Of course, it really helps to have their abilities tested and retested to build that confidence; however, it all starts with believing they can do it. It boils down to simply an expression of genuine self confidence that others can see and feel because what you think of yourself spearheads the image others have of you. Believe it or not, spending time one on one with a mentor will help in this area too. Mentors do more than teach techniques. When you build a relationship with someone, your natural tendancies start to show overtime in ways you'd never write on a message board. In order to get an answer in a forum that is going to work for a situation, you have to identify all the components. However, there might be something you haven't thought to include in your messages that lies at the heart of the problem. It isn't uncommon for someone to not be able to pinpoint a behavior they don't realize they have. Someone that takes the time to get to know you will see the things you don't necessarily see in yourself and be able to help you work on them. Just my two and a half cents. MzKim

Dustyn -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:27:28 AM)
Insecurity is pretty common when just starting out on something, regardless of what it is... I was fairly insecure for the first few years of my bdsm existence, but time, and expeience, did away with the majority of it... medication for the depression got rid of most of what is left... the miniscule amount that is left is what always comes up in any relationship... Do your best, be honest with everyone involved, most importantly yourself, and just let things go as they will... struggling against a snowstorm will only leave you cold, exhausted and alone... - Dustyn

Phoenix92x -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:30:05 AM)
Thank you for your reply LadyKim: I really appreciate the encouragement and ideas. And the military/police analogy is intersting. I'm really debating the whole mentor thing, because both you and BrutalAntipathy make good points. I suppose thats just something I'm going to have to weigh. I am quite worried about not being able to develop my own identity as a dom due to being mentored and even subconsciously picking up their habits instead of forming my own. I really am glad I came to this community, people seem to be very friendly, and I've been in contact with some folks who are interesting. Although hell, everyone seems to be interesting here. Methinks I will like it a great deal. Dustyn: hmm...so often in life I've found myself struggling against that storm, and thinking it was all I could do. Never did I think of it like that, thank you. -- Phoenix

BitaTruble -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:53:36 AM)
Phoenix, First of all, half your battle is already won. You've realized you have flaws. Second, even the most seasoned of Dominants make mistakes and, they, too, have flaws so you are not alone. You have years and years ahead of you.. and life experience is going to naturally help with a lot of your issues. You 'will' gain confidence because while you will make mistakes you will also have success! Keep the faith! My best advice.. go slow because that will help you minimize errors. Trust your gut, instincts are vital in all walks of life.. and as BrutalA said, a single mentor can help with techniques and such, but a chorus of diverse opinions allow you more choices because often what a single mentor may feel is right for you is not.. while among that chorus, something will speak right to your heart and you will just 'know' that it's right for you as well. Last, be kind to yourself. You don't have to be Superman but that doesn't mean you can't strive to fly and eventually reach spaces you never dreamed were possible. For what it's worth, I think you are off to an excellent start! Celeste

ArchangelMichael -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 1:20:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy And while we are talking mistakes, let me cover something that will certainly tick people here off. Do NOT make the mistake of getting yourself a mentor. Why, when you have access to thousands of people on the internet, would you wish to constrain your views to the outlook of a single person who very well might be a fool theirself? Why not partake of a variety of views and therefore get a more comprehensive picture of whatever you wish to know? You have the best mentor in the world right at your fingertips. Don't buy into the hivemind. *Best of luck to you.* This doesn't tick me off, but I will respectfully disagree with part of it. Although I agree that having a single mentor may narrow his options, there is nothing wrong with seeking multiple real-time mentors. He can learn a little from different people. That's the way I learned. I took in a lot of different opinions, watched a lot of people play, and sought advice from several different people. I disagree that the Internet is the way to go exclusively. Yes, there are things you can learn from people on the Internet, but nothing beats real-life hands-on interaction with someone you can watch or who can show you how to a swing a flogger. It's just important to learn while developing your own style.

RavenMuse -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 2:23:01 AM)
As others have said, that you have recognised and are looking to address the problem is half the battle and yes a portion of that does read to probably stem from a lack of confidance. As a Dom you ARE taking responcibility for the girl who wears your collar, it isn't something to take lightly. Cudos for being one of those who obviously recognise that, however , you have to realise Doms ARE still human (Don't tell anyone I said that else my Domly credentials and secret decoder ring may get revoked[;)]). You will make mistakes, try your damndest not to, but you always will, sometime, somewhere, because no-one is perfect. What really matters is what you do from there. Do you take responcibility for the mistake and seek to correct it where you can, help both her and yourself get to the other side of any fall out in one piece.... or do you withdraw into an insecure unhelpful heap of self-remorse? A girl needs to know you will remain being a Dom and looking out for her even when things are not going smoothly, she needs to be able to trust you to handle problems just as readily as you handle play.... it comes with the territory and doing so will build her confidence and trust in you as well as your own. Just IMO of course.

allspicey -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 2:30:04 AM)
I wanted to touch on something I didn't see mentioned. I deal with many, many dominants in the course of my normal life and they are at various stages on their journeys. The newer ones are most concerned about making mistakes, having bought into this fantasy that the dominant is always strong, is always in control and is omnipotent, omniscent and one step below God in the eyes of a submissive. Pfffft. Most submissives I know are intellegent people in their own right. They know darn well that a) he isn't a mind reader b) he isn't perfect and c) he needs her as much as she needs him. All of which is GOOD! I don't know about you, but I have no desire to live with a god. I much prefer humans. I remember one night Master and I had stopped to get souvlaki's from Lamb's, a place quite well known for them. For those of you who haven't had a souvlaki, let me tell you, they're messy! Some of the sauce ended up on my dress. Master said to me...."Do you kind of enjoy when someone makes a bit of a mistake or mess because it makes you feel better about your own?" Hell yes! I tell Master sometimes he is like a little boy and it is the sweetest thing. He always smiles. Sometimes he doesn't quite make the right decision in the Mastery thing (hence the chain marks in the play room equipment...never leave an angry sub in chains running around loose in a locked room). Sometimes he gets angry, sometimes he gets hurt. So do I. He is a human Master and I am a human slave. It is his very humanity, his ability to fall down, to make an error in judgement, to be human...that makes me love him so very much and respect him so much more when he picks it all back up again and puts the pieces back together for us both. It's not about never making a mistake. It's about being able to fix the outcome. It's about being strong enough to face your humanity with honesty and helping your submissive partner trust that you will do that and make things right again...even if it means asking her help to do so. A dominant never looks more foolish than when he's made a glaring error and then pretends it never happened. No one is perfect and dominants certainly don't have a step up on everyone else in that regard. The immense respect I have for my Master comes from his amazing ability to look at himself, his actions, his thoughts, his decisions and judge them honestly. That is what carries us through. That and his dedication to becoming a better Master, a wiser Master and a stronger Master so that we can both live the life we want to with each other as Master and slave.

Sir4now -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 2:50:11 AM)
Just a quick note and something you should always know. As a Dom your first, Middle and last thoughts are of what is best for your submissive. What is best for the relationship. What will make you both happy. You will find that when you put your submissive first in your thoughts she will in turn learn she no longer things about herself for she knows you are always there for that so he thoughts turn to you. A submissive has a deep need to be pleasing and my fear would be that if you do something wrong then your pushing her away and not letting her do what is deep inside of her and that is to let you know it's ok and she just wants you to smile and be happy again. OK talk about running on and no sleep.

meatcleaver -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 3:14:35 AM)
It seems ridiculous to me to be hung up on a title that has very little meaning and appears to have different definitions to every other person, that seems half your problem. When I was introduced I was baffled by the titles and differentiating roles. Sex seemed more like a job of work ('Must remember the demarkation lines or the BDSM union will take away my membership card!'). It's absurd. What is dom territory to one sub is her territory to another. Just be yourself and don't get hung up on esoteric nonsense. You won't be thanked for it.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 5:40:41 AM)
My main piece of advice is "keep things in perspective." It is fine and good to go through what you are going through, however you already recognize that the problem is that you allow the fears that you have to overwhelm you. The twinges and fears are normal- it's the letting them take over everything else that's the problem. So keep perspective- take one thing at a time, take it slow, try and remind yourself of the successes that you have had.

Collaredkitten -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 6:18:13 AM)
Often times fear seems to grow the more you feed it, the more you feed it the bigger animal it becomes, the less you feed it, you can eventually starve it to death. Your fear is eathing up space from your gut, and your gut is often times the placewhere a Dom get's his perspective, his 'feeling' of how the sceen is going. If you can avoid feeding the fear you will be able to listen better to what your gut is telling you.. fear can be a tricky animal, it seems like once we think we've beaten it and it's down, and we move ahead it comes back, in a different form, nagging you and nudging your mind... I think if you know it's there, look it in the eye and say "hey, I dont need you, your not getting me anyplace I want to go, so you go now' and say that often, you can help deminish it As for subs thinking you are Superman, no way ! We know you have a lot of responsibility and that mistakes will happen, most of us wont blame you for trying to learn more of your craft. We know our Dom's are human and can not read our minds So take a deep breath, grab your flogger, tell your fear you dont need it here right now and have at it, enjoy yourself, and each time you scene without mistake, or with small mistakes, you will be helping to put your fear aside

Dustyn -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 11:39:01 AM)
"I am quite worried about not being able to develop my own identity as a dom due to being mentored and even subconsciously picking up their habits instead of forming my own. " When I started out, I was collared, not as a submissive, but simply as a way to avoid harassment from other people... I picked up quite a few of Mistress' habits in dealing with dominants, switches and submissives... took me quite a while to sit down and figure out who I wanted to be and how I wanted to present myself... Some times, I rub people the wrong way, some times, the right way... either way, I am still ME, and if they don't like it, that's not my problem and they have the same clothes to get glad in they got mad in... You do what's right for you, above and beyond anything else, and you will most likely never go seriously wrong... and if you do, the world will still continue on... don't sweat the small stuff or you will never stop sweating... - Dustyn

Phoenix92x -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 11:43:40 AM)
Wow... I didn't quite expect all these helpful replies. But thank you sincerely to each one of you. I think I have some more perspective of things now. That it's more important to stand up and fix a mistake than to never have made it. This has really been helpful to me. Given me a lot of things to think on, and I think I agree with pretty much all that was said. Your advice is well taken, -- Phoenix

LaTigresse -> RE: A Problem I see for myself down the road as a dom (5/10/2006 12:25:36 PM)
Wellllllll crap, so much good advise I can only add one little bitty thing that helps me in ALL parts of life. My most wonderful, obnoxious sense of humour and the ability to laugh at myself first! I know I am human and I know I am going to screw up. GASP (There goes my application for the decoder ring to the bottom of the stack) It's a fact of life, its called LEARNING. Life is here to live, living in fear is not living and its not going to get you anywhere at all. You have to chase after those mistakes and dive into them so that you can keep learning and growing. Just don't forget the humour, you have got to have fun along the way.

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