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How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 1:43:39 PM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline 		Hello Mistresses ^^

I've come to ask for a little advice regarding my current situation. A few months back, I met a nice couple on here (not telling who :p) They're both a tiny bit younger than me but the age difference isn't noticeable, so we're all the same age for all intents and purposes.

We got along very well, and now mistress has moved in with me, however things aren't going quite as I've expected.

I'm very close to the master, we're practically exact doubles mentally :o He doesn't live here, but visits very regularly and spends time with us.
But I'm finding it hard to engage with mistress. She's been living here just under two weeks now, and we've not really had much in the way of physical contact, and no play. I've talked with them both about it, and they both say that she's a bit shy, and "doesn't just jump into bed with someone right away" I can understand this, and indeed I was always looking for something more meaningful than a purely sexual relationship, but that point in the future where she'll be comfortable with me seems strange and unreachable. He says that I should try to find common ground, get to know her better, etc.

I'm not sure how to best please her. I try to keep the house tidy and put the toilet seat down, look presentable, talk with her, etc. She's not very into protocol and doesn't care much for titles, fetishwear, posture, etc. She likes going out, drinking, smoking, and general social pursuits, which is a problem right now as we're both completely broke :( she does seem a lot more at ease with a bottle of vodka, but things that cost money just aren't an option.

She's kind of fussy about some things, mostly prefers to make her own food and drink, has some dietary requirements and preferences. Values personal space and certainly isn't interested in anything like a massage. I've tried asking ow I can please her, is there anything I can get/do/etc, but I guess these are very vague questions and her mind draws a blank.She likes watching tv and spending lots of time on facebook, I made an account there to better communicate with her though it seems to have been hijacked by friends and family a little >.>

So I'm kind of at a loss, I guess I'm not very good at this :(
I come to ask in the hope that mistresses here can give me some advice. What (non-sexual) things do you like your subs to do for/with you? Things which don't cost money would be preferable of course. What advice would you give to a sub in my situation ?

Thank you in advance ^_^

< Message edited by Nanako -- 4/27/2011 1:45:07 PM >
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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 2:38:48 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		The male variety here....

Certainly the general communication seems to suck.

Unfortunately, it's me who has a question for you. Exactly what is that makes her a "Mistress", given that she seems quite content just rolling along looking after number one's substance addictions?

Either you two don't connect at all or "Mistress" is a title of mysterious convenience....

Focus.

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 2:51:51 PM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Unfortunately, it's me who has a question for you. Exactly what is that makes her a "Mistress", given that she seems quite content just rolling along looking after number one's substance addictions?


Hello sir. she's not too fond of titles, mistress is one i use. But she's a woman with an interest in BDSM from the dominant perspective, and together they accepted me as their sub. I guess domme, lady, miss, et al, are interchangeable too, though she generally just prefers to be called by her name.

She buys her own substances plenty, I simply mention it because it's one thing I know can put her in a better mood. I wouldn't say we don't connect at all, we have nice conversations now and then, but more just, not enough. I'm here to ask for advice on how better to do that ^^

Either you two don't connect at all or "Mistress" is a title of mysterious convenience....

Focus.


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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 2:55:55 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako
She likes going out, drinking, smoking, and general social pursuits, which is a problem right now as we're both completely broke :( she does seem a lot more at ease with a bottle of vodka, but things that cost money just aren't an option.


Did you see this? What does it tell you?

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 2:58:14 PM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss


quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako
She likes going out, drinking, smoking, and general social pursuits, which is a problem right now as we're both completely broke :( she does seem a lot more at ease with a bottle of vodka, but things that cost money just aren't an option.


Did you see this? What does it tell you?


I don't quite understand what you mean
Don't most people feel less inhibited with a drink in them? She's not an alcoholic

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 3:10:31 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		Honestly? She sounds like me a year and a half ago - no titles, no protocol, no service. If I were you I'd back the hell off trying to serve her and just focus on being her friend. Constant repetition of 'how can I please you how can I please you how can I please you' is really stressful when you're on the receiving end of it, especially if you don't quite know the answer.


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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 3:20:57 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Ok, so let me get this straight...
 
You've known each other a few months and have been living together less than two weeks.  She moved in with you and has, so far, spent her time drinking, smoking, watching the tele, playing on Facebook, and more or less ignoring you.  You didn't mention whether or not she has a job but, since you're both broke, I'm going to guess the answer is no. 
 
I suggest you start by asking her which business suit she'd like you to lay out for her so she can go job hunting tomorrow.  Make sure it's clean and pressed and that her dress shoes are shined.  If you don't have to work, you can act as her chauffeur.  Drive her wherever she wants to go, help her in and out of the car, open doors for her. 

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 4:03:47 PM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

Honestly? She sounds like me a year and a half ago - no titles, no protocol, no service. If I were you I'd back the hell off trying to serve her and just focus on being her friend. Constant repetition of 'how can I please you how can I please you how can I please you' is really stressful when you're on the receiving end of it, especially if you don't quite know the answer.

Haii ^^
Thank you for the advice, I'm thinking the same thing. I guess I'm looking not just for a dominant perspective, but also a generally female perspective, here. Like suggestions of stuff you like to do that I could suggest to her, ways to get her interested and happy

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 4:10:34 PM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Ok, so let me get this straight...
 
You've known each other a few months and have been living together less than two weeks.  She moved in with you and has, so far, spent her time drinking, smoking, watching the tele, playing on Facebook, and more or less ignoring you.

She also goes out for walks and visits the master now and then. And cooks! She made us both a nice pasta tonight, and yesterday :) Meatballs on saturday too ;o

She's definitely not ignoring me. Shortly after I posted this thread, we were watching  Desperate Housewives, alternately gasping and giggling at the various drama unfolding. If she doesn't see me for more than a few hours, she'll come down to my room to say hi, or if I'm out, text me to see what's up, etc.

We do get along! It's just that she seems more friendly than dominant, I guess.  And I feel  I should proactively be trying to get to know her more, do stuff with her, etc, rather than just waiting for some epiphany where she suddenly wants to don latex and wave a whip around.

quote:

  You didn't mention whether or not she has a job but, since you're both broke, I'm going to guess the answer is no. 

I suggest you start by asking her which business suit she'd like you to lay out for her so she can go job hunting tomorrow.  Make sure it's clean and pressed and that her dress shoes are shined.  If you don't have to work, you can act as her chauffeur.  Drive her wherever she wants to go, help her in and out of the car, open doors for her. 


This was quite amusing to read ^^ But the money issues will be resolved in due course, we've discussed that.  She'll pay her way and it was always clear that we'd keep money and personal issues seperate.

< Message edited by Nanako -- 4/27/2011 4:11:28 PM >

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 4:15:57 PM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		So you originally signed up for a mistress, but instead got a friend?

Damn, that must suck.


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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 4:21:28 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

So you originally signed up for a mistress, but instead got a friend?


Looks like the master will have to drive the BDSM bus. If I were you, I'd be available, but not pushy.

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 4:29:00 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako

I guess I'm looking not just for a dominant perspective, but also a generally female perspective, here. Like suggestions of stuff you like to do that I could suggest to her, ways to get her interested and happy

Seriously, my suggestion is to leave it. Either she'll relax and decide that this is something she wants with you and decide on a plan for getting it, or she won't. I can't think of a single activity that would speed that up.


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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 5:02:43 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako

We do get along! It's just that she seems more friendly than dominant, I guess.  And I feel  I should proactively be trying to get to know her more, do stuff with her, etc, rather than just waiting for some epiphany where she suddenly wants to don latex and wave a whip around.


In that case, just give it time.  The first couple of months living together are going to be a little awkward.  Let her set the pace and just go with it.  If she's fussy about food, drink or other things, make a special point to learn exactly how she likes those things done. 

quote:

quote:

 I suggest you start by asking her which business suit she'd like you to lay out for her so she can go job hunting tomorrow.  Make sure it's clean and pressed and that her dress shoes are shined.  If you don't have to work, you can act as her chauffeur.  Drive her wherever she wants to go, help her in and out of the car, open doors for her. 


This was quite amusing to read ^^ But the money issues will be resolved in due course, we've discussed that.  She'll pay her way and it was always clear that we'd keep money and personal issues seperate.


If she's not working and you have the time, there's no reason you can't play chauffeur.  Job hunting sucks.  Wear a suit and cap, act very proper and make it fun.

< Message edited by SylvereApLeanan -- 4/27/2011 5:03:31 PM >

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 5:03:35 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss


quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako
She likes going out, drinking, smoking, and general social pursuits, which is a problem right now as we're both completely broke :( she does seem a lot more at ease with a bottle of vodka, but things that cost money just aren't an option.


Did you see this? What does it tell you?


I don't quite understand what you mean
Don't most people feel less inhibited with a drink in them? She's not an alcoholic



It is never about how much one drinks but what it does.
Personally?
I would be wary of someone who needed some liquid courage on a regular basis to feel comfortable in their own skin/less inhibited.

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 5:44:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'm sooo confused.

You met a couple.

She moved in with you...but he didn't? I'm racking my brain on this situation. I'm not poly so maybe my brain just isn't wrapping around this....

and how did she become your Domme when it doesn't sound like she has much interest at all in being dominant....

I would just shrug it off and figure she's a friend and that's it. I wouldn't go around calling her Mistress either though since I wouldn't see her as anything else other than a friend in the way you have described the situation.



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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 6:40:02 PM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm sooo confused.

You met a couple.

She moved in with you...but he didn't? I'm racking my brain on this situation. I'm not poly so maybe my brain just isn't wrapping around this....


they didn't live together to begin with. They were kind of a long-distance couple. He lives quite nearby, whereas she lived halfway across the country. Now they are closer ^^

quote:

and how did she become your Domme when it doesn't sound like she has much interest at all in being dominant....

It's not a lack of interest in being dominant, more just not being comfortable enough yet with me, it seems.


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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 6:53:52 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I know this will be hard to deal with, but try as much as possible to let her come to you. Stop trying to serve her, it's obvious right now how you can best serve is to be a friend. When finances get tough, some get very withdrawn and depressed, I would not take that too personally if you think things are good between you beyond that.

She smokes and drinks and goes out, oh gee she is 20...who didn't do that at 20? I did. I screwed around, too. Let's try not to be judgmental here. We have no indication that she is a serious substance abuser.

Nanako. feel free to message me on the other side.




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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 7:11:51 PM   
MistressRosalyn


Posts: 908
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		You know, as I consider the situation, I keep coming back to a nodding agreement with Nocturnal's comment. All of the suggestions and helpful hints in the world that we generate won't change who she is, and who she is now isn't what you were hoping for. Then again, she's young, and may not understand the needs and desires that drive a slave, and in time she will understand what is needed.

Or maybe not.

But assuming that there is hope for this situation...here's what I think.

Speaking as an utter perfectionist, it can be difficult to let someone else do things for us. Also the whole, "I'd rather do it myself, because it's faster and easier and then it's done the way I want it" issue might be at play here. Since she isn't able to communicate her needs/wants, and your questioning is probably driving her batty, you need to become an expert at observation.

When she wakes up, what is her routine? Does she always fix something a certain way? Try to anticipate her desires. If she always has coffee with flavoured creamer, then make sure that is made for her. If she likes a glass of soda while she is on FB, then make sure it never runs dry. Give it time, let her get comfortable in your space, and see if a reasonable effort on your part doesn't yield the results you want.

However, when time has gone by, and if she still doesn't know what she wants, or you finally realize that you are simply not compatible, it's OK to find someone who is. This lifestyle is like trying to match puzzle pieces, and not everyone is right for you...and you have to decide if you are willing to settle.

All the best to you and your friends.


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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 7:15:55 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Have you ever heard of the languages of love?  Different people express love differently.  Obviously, for you it's doing chores for another, and spending time with them.  Others are physical contact, and buying gifts for someone.  What are her ways of expressing love?


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: How to engage with her? - 4/27/2011 7:24:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nanako

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm sooo confused.

You met a couple.

She moved in with you...but he didn't? I'm racking my brain on this situation. I'm not poly so maybe my brain just isn't wrapping around this....


they didn't live together to begin with. They were kind of a long-distance couple. He lives quite nearby, whereas she lived halfway across the country. Now they are closer ^^

quote:

and how did she become your Domme when it doesn't sound like she has much interest at all in being dominant....

It's not a lack of interest in being dominant, more just not being comfortable enough yet with me, it seems.




I understand that they didn't live together. But I mean....did she just up and move in with you? I'm just confused on the whole situation lol....but that's neither here nor there.

I missed that she's only 20. That makes a difference. She's young and still in party/sleep all day/watch tv/do nothing mode. I have one of those types the same age as her. Being a Domme? Doubtful...more like just going with the flow of things and likes to probably boss around from time to time so she doesn't have to worry about not getting what she wants which is eat/sleep/party/drink/smoke/leave her alone and all will be fine mode.



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Everything has changed

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