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Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 3:51:26 PM   
allspicey


Posts: 44
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline 		There is a post on how to find someone and I started to reply to it when I thought...bugger that, this is a whole thread in itself!  So...

The biggest barrier I've seen to people finding someone is the fear of actually meeting, face to face, people from websites or chatrooms.  Would someone please explain to me what is so very scary about having a cup of coffee with someone in a public place?  Whenever I have been looking for a dominant partner I have always met up with heaps of people.  I always say it's like sifting through sand for a needle but that's what you have to do.  I basically met with almost anyone that wanted to meet.  You can really only learn so much through online.  That first meet will always tell you far more than even months of emailing.  I have had lovely coffees, lunches and dinners with male dominants from alt and never have I been harrassed or had an ongoing problem.  The greatest complaint I've had from the fellows is that the women from alt would chat and email but never meet for coffee.

Now of course one must use their own judgement, there ARE some strange people out there (I'm one of them) but for the most part a simple meeting in a public place is harmless.  When Master and I go to meet a new person now he often says, "Lets meet them at your old meeting place."  Yes, I actually had a restaurant that was my preferred meeting spot!  And after 9 years of this behaviour I'm still healthy and whole

So come on folks, tell me why YOU don't get out to meet people in real life...
especially if you are looking for a real life partner in BDSM.

allspice{T}
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 3:54:51 PM   
badpaliden


Posts: 96
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		HEAR  HERE ! Well said!

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 3:59:49 PM   
artglfr


Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		I don't go out and meet people at restaurants because i meet them at Munches here and the cities around here. When I do email someone from a list here I seldom have much luck meeting them. No reason I can think why not other than i am another one of those strange people you were speaking of. when I do meet with submissives in real time, we usually play, have fun and continue to play. I play with many that are not and never will be MY sub but we still have fun.

I have no idea why people do not want to meet in public places, I have even offered to BUY!!!coffeeeeeeee  anyone?

_____________________________

Kink Forever
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Docents_of_Museum/

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:03:59 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Me. Me Pick me, Monty!

(in reply to artglfr)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:06:52 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I try and meet somewhere SSC as soon as possible. You can tell more from five minutes face to face about wether there is any potential than from weeks of emailing..... IMO

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:08:07 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am meeting someone I have been in communication with for over a month this Friday for coffee... We would have met earlier but it is a 4 hour drive here for him. I REALLY like him as a person and I am VERY excited about the opportunity to meet him. We won't know until we have a cup of cofffee if we have the chemistry that matches are mental connection, but if there is, watch out!....LOL

I have met a couple of doms in my area for coffee and nothing came of it. They weren't stalkers or anything, just acted in a way that made me not want to date them again (things like checking out the breasts of another woman in front of me and commenting. Another one that conveniently left his credit card at home so I had to buy his coffee,.... and no I did not hook up with them on collarme so I am not talking crap about fellow members...lol). These experiences taught me to talk a lot more on the phone and email less with people I am interested in. That is not necessarily going to help me meet Master Right, but its just my experience.

You are right though, people have to do lunch or SOMETHING if they ever want to be in a real power exchange...lol

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to badpaliden)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:13:52 PM   
thegreymistress


Posts: 56
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		I agree, I do not understand the big meeting fear...then again if someone messages me and I know little or nothing of what the seek or want then I will not meet them anywhere. If I am seriously considering one to serve and they never have time to meet then I wonder what the issue is.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:15:29 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		When I first ventured into this whole experience I was just too darned *scared* to meet anyone. All I knew was what I'd read on the Internet. I found out that a good friend of mine was Domme, but she's an Internet friend and not local.

That said, I've met a number of different men for coffee. It's amazing how many players, wanna-be's, and married men who just want some kinky sex on the side will go out to coffee with a woman! That gets scary in it's own way.

I don't get a lot of requests for meetings, which is fine. I'm not everyone's cuppa tea and I don't want to be. If someone asks me to meet them, then I will. That's generally the meeting where I casually mention that my best friend works for the sheriff's office and knows where I am. LOLOL You should see how quickly some people leave after I drop that bit of information into the conversation!

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:16:28 PM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		I've met at least 5 people from this site that I can think of right off.  Every one of them was a positive experience, and I've written about them in my journal and in the "Positive Experiences" forum. 

I have yet to make it to a local munch, but that should change soon.




(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:17:13 PM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allspicey

So come on folks, tell me why YOU don't get out to meet people in real life...
especially if you are looking for a real life partner in BDSM.

allspice{T}


I have many times, as a matter of fact that is how I met my Dominant.   The only problem I have ever really ran into is someone insisting to meet me after only talking once....last time I looked stupid wasnt stamped on my forehead (at least not this week   )
I have heard people complain about talking to someone for months on end and then the person 'poofs' as soon as the mention of meeting is brought up.....or having a meet planned and being stood up.   
There was one man I met, he drove to me from a different state, we had exchanged cell numbers in case something happened and one  of us was unable to make it.  After the meet he completely abused having my cell number to the point of me changing my number.  The meet didnt go THAT well, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, there are some of us that do actually meet.....the others just need time to build nerve or something.....and the rest, well.....we all know what a wannabe is.
~OhBeMyMind
~*~I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~
Oh yeah....opinions are like assholes....blah blah blah, you know the rest.  I just happen to have one too.

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:22:29 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Well I HAVE met for coffee,I've had them drive to Me, I've travelled 6 hours, had subs flown in and flown across the country---even had a sub meet Me at a work event prior to the start of the event---I've met them for coffee, dinner, lunch and drinks---I've done My homework, My due diligence and made sure I had a backup plan--never once did I meet a freak...<smiles> but they did meet Me---LOL

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:26:27 PM   
DigitBox


Posts: 154
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allspicey
The biggest barrier I've seen to people finding someone is the fear of actually meeting, face to face, people from websites or chatrooms.  Would someone please explain to me what is so very scary about having a cup of coffee with someone in a public place?  Whenever I have been looking for a dominant partner I have always met up with heaps of people.  I always say it's like sifting through sand for a needle but that's what you have to do.  I basically met with almost anyone that wanted to meet.  You can really only learn so much through online.  That first meet will always tell you far more than even months of emailing.  I have had lovely coffees, lunches and dinners with male dominants from alt and never have I been harrassed or had an ongoing problem.  The greatest complaint I've had from the fellows is that the women from alt would chat and email but never meet for coffee.

Now of course one must use their own judgement, there ARE some strange people out there (I'm one of them) but for the most part a simple meeting in a public place is harmless.  When Master and I go to meet a new person now he often says, "Lets meet them at your old meeting place."  Yes, I actually had a restaurant that was my preferred meeting spot!  And after 9 years of this behaviour I'm still healthy and whole

So come on folks, tell me why YOU don't get out to meet people in real life...
especially if you are looking for a real life partner in BDSM.



Probably they would be worried that news would get out about their little kink.  I know I used to be worried about that kind of thing.  But I got over it fairly quickly.

Having a regular spot to meet with people is good though since you are comfortable with the environment and can be sure that  for the most part the experience of that meeting space should be a good one.

I always go for the coffee shop, or burger joint meet up in a nice busy area well away from where I live in case a topic comes up that I don't want the neighbors to know about.

Still face to face neutral ground is better for me for sure.

But when I try to get people to meet me face to face, more often than not they avoid the subject or run away.

Usually at that point I give up on them.

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:34:51 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allspicey

So come on folks, tell me why YOU don't get out to meet people in real life...
especially if you are looking for a real life partner in BDSM.


Good question. To be honest, I have met more people after meeting them through various sites than I ever did by meeting various people in clubs. A friend of mine told me once that part of that is due to the fact that the single submissives that go to the clubs get approached by so many dominants in inappropriate ways that many of them have developed a tendency to be curt with anyone that approaches and begins a conversation. Whereas on the sites, there is the safety of distance so you get the chance to "feel" the person out somewhat and see if you'd like to meet. This is what has worked for me and I've had some nice coffee dates, some nice dinners and some nice play times afterwards. One of those dates even led to a very good, long-term D/s relationship.

I think...from talking to several that I've met in this manner and to others on various sites...that part of the problem is that many times, the two people going to meet go with different expectations and then clash when those expectations are not met on either side.

By the way...anyone up for coffee? ~s~ We're past the sugar beet processing-smell season here so it's safe for your nostrils now.

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:38:17 PM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I go out and meet people, some are nice, some are not.....I am not able to travel very far, but I do meet people locally or within a couple hours drive.  Now, if they can come to me, thats a different story.

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:40:44 PM   
OnyxGoddess


Posts: 242
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		very very very good question.  I always like to meet a person in public also after talking to them online for about a week or so.  At the end of the meeting if we still like each other great...if not -hey had a nice time and made a new friend.  My friends from Alt and Aff say the same thing.  People will chat til the keyboard doesn't work but won't take an hour and just say hi face to face in a safe crowded public place.  Go figure.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 4:41:43 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		CreativeDominant said:
"We're past the sugar beet processing-smell season here so it's safe for your nostrils now."

Eeeewww. Almost as bad as pea-pack in the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant. Yuck.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 5:15:23 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

CreativeDominant said:
"We're past the sugar beet processing-smell season here so it's safe for your nostrils now."

Eeeewww. Almost as bad as pea-pack in the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant. Yuck.


~grins~ I remember. I lived in Minneapolis as a kid and went through there 2x's a year on our visits out to Colorado. When I went to chiropractic college in St. Paul, I made that same trek back home...and do it now EVERY time I go back to visit friends or family or to lecture.

(in reply to sublizzie)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 5:34:44 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear allspicey, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Good post.

Currently, I am restricting myself from traveling very far, now that I am sole care giver to my mother. But, I am still active in the community until Mom's mental state goes down hill and when that happens, institution will be required; then I'll travel more.

However, before my daughterly duties were bestowed on me, I have had so many "I promise I'll be there," that I make plans to eat alone.  Even if they have been to a BDSM club in DC; claim to meet me there--I make plans to sit alone.  I don't even haul my five toy filled bags into The Crucible anymore, until a body shows up.  I've gotten bloody tired of those standing me up so, I am never expecting people to hold up their commitments in coming.  I use the time to write notes on things and occupy my time, or visit with friends there and pass the time away. 

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to allspicey)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 6:13:24 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If they are not ready to meet someone for coffee, they aren't ready for what it is we do. 

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Why Is Coffee So Scary? - 5/10/2006 6:20:58 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear CrappyDom, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Indeed SIR!

I never let a no show spoil my total day.  I can always sharpen the axe or knives;
polish the cuffs and clean my whips.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 20
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