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new Dom looking for advice - 5/5/2011 8:35:20 AM

Hutchables

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/9/2009
Status: offline

hi everyone, just thought id ask on here for some tips and advice, im new to all this and wishing to explore my Dominant side, my job involves alot of confidence and self belief but i finding it hard to understand more about the Dominant in me, hope to hear from you and any helpful advice would be much appreciated,

Andy

Post #: 1

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/5/2011 8:38:55 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Hi Andy,

Try reading "The Loving Dominant" or any of the related books on Amazon. Also google "BDSM munches + [your city]". Munches and demos are a great way to network and learn things.

Welcome!

KK

(in reply to Hutchables)

Post #: 2

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/5/2011 9:19:11 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Start right out with defining clearly what you mean by "dominant". Are we talking about "assertive and creative in the bedroom" or something else? Like anything, you need to be able to clearly define both your present condition and your desired future state before you can reasonably get from here to there.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Hutchables)

Post #: 3

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/5/2011 11:08:43 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Hi Andy,

if you're anywhere near Leeds then there is a thriving kink 'scene' going on there. I've been there a few times myself and the munch is very well attended and very friendly, and there are all sorts of clubs too that you can find out more about through the munch people.

If you want to drop me a message (look under my avatar pic and choose the PM option) then I'd be more than happy to put you in touch with the Leeds locals.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Hutchables)

Post #: 4

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/5/2011 2:52:51 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hutchables

hi everyone, just thought id ask on here for some tips and advice, im new to all this and wishing to explore my Dominant side, my job involves alot of confidence and self belief but i finding it hard to understand more about the Dominant in me, hope to hear from you and any helpful advice would be much appreciated,

First thing to consider is whether you think your job is the reason you even have a Dominant side. The armed forces (for eg) makes for submissive utopia. You think they could be functional or successful warrior types if they lacked confidence and self belief? And some of the submissive women I've owned held managerial/supervisory positions as their job.

I'm saying all this because you're "finding it hard to understand more about the Dominant in me (you)". That there may not necessarily be one.... The relevant clues aren't found in your profession but the nature of your personal relationships and what you desire in a complementing partner.

The (rhetorical) question comes from being honest with yourself; that if you do have a burning need to lead and take charge of your partner, then you really shouldn't have so much difficulty understanding the Dominant within. Certainly not in this age of the "information highway".

I always knew what I needed in a (submissive) partner but generally found frustration in modern society's "sexual equality" hype projecting into personal lives. Hell, even had girlfriends accuse me of being some sorta control freak. *gasp* Turns out all I had was the wrong type of g/f's....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Hutchables)

Post #: 5

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/5/2011 3:07:57 PM

Bertandlaerie

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/5/2011
Status: offline

Most importantly, make sure you enjoy the journey. As leadership said, the first thing you need to do is decide how you see (or want to see) yourself as dominant. Answering that question should give you a starting point, but do not be surprised if that original goal is not where you end up. For instance, when 'laerie first brought up the idea of exploring D/s within our relationship, it was in the bedroom only. Now, six short months later, we've transitioned to a 24/7 D/s relationship that is much less focused on kink than either of us originally anticipated.
To get back to the point though, focus on self-awareness and don't let anyone dissuade you from that. I suggest reading the threads on these boards, if nothing else you'll encounter incredibly varied perspectives on dominance, and just about everything else. To fill in the gaps, well that all depends on how you learn. If you learn by doing, go to munches and meet people. If you learn by reading, there are numerous helpful books out there. As kalikshama said, the Loving Dominant is a great place to start reading.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 6

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/5/2011 5:35:25 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Hi Andy,

Try reading "The Loving Dominant" or any of the related books on Amazon. Also google "BDSM munches + [your city]". Munches and demos are a great way to network and learn things.

Welcome!

KK

This

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 7

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/6/2011 6:14:58 AM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

Dominance is about control. Before you can successfully control someone or something else, you need to be able to control yourself. You also need to understand how much or little you can influence the things you can't control. Exploring those will help you be a better dominant.

And what everyone else said...

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 8

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/13/2011 3:24:03 PM

MasterSwain

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/13/2011
Status: offline

I have found, as well, the most important thing is to define your dominance. For me, dominance is about giving and taking pleasure - but mainly the giving of it. My dominance is most enjoyable to me when I am being sadistic towards an individual who enjoys masochism. I am not terribly interested in telling someone how to live their life, but I am more then willing to lead them to the right conclusions. As you can probably gather, as time goes on, the definition becomes more precise and more nuanced.

And Welcome!

(in reply to EclipseAbove)

Post #: 9

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/13/2011 3:42:07 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

What did you do during the last two years? You were "new" two years ago when you created the account. In what ways did you take charge of your interests since then?

Most Dominants that I know, male or female, take an active approach to what they want.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MasterSwain)

Post #: 10

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/13/2011 6:19:09 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Get invloved with your local community...

<see`s the Lady Pact waves>

< Message edited by ThundersCry -- 5/13/2011 6:21:32 PM >

(in reply to Hutchables)

Post #: 11

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/13/2011 6:24:03 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

and IMO...your job means diddly squat rather you are a dom or whatever...
we all had a job at one point or another...

(in reply to Hutchables)

Post #: 12

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/22/2011 2:56:55 PM

Redoubt

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

Hi Andy.

First off, kudos for asking for help.

If you are wanting to assume a dominant role, then you should be aware that its not just all about laying back and getting blow jobs. (dammit)

There is literally a ton of information here on the net for free that will help you figure a lot of the basics out. The rest involves having someone trust you to do bad things to them (consensually of course).

However the first and biggest step is getting your own shit together. Until then, don't kid yourself... you are not fit to dominate anyone. But asking for help is one good sign that you may understand that... I wish you much luck. Just read read read read read read and read, and although it may seem to be more fun to play with an s-type... read some more first.

*smiles*

Good luck!

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 13

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/22/2011 7:34:59 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redoubt

If you are wanting to assume a dominant role, then you should be aware that its not just all about laying back and getting blow jobs. (dammit)

It isn't? Are you sure?

(looks back over last 20 years of my life)

Shoot, taken in again!

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to Redoubt)

Post #: 14

RE: new Dom looking for advice - 5/22/2011 9:16:13 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

A firefighter?
Everybody loves a firefighter!
Totally off topic, but thanks for doing what you do.

Sorry, I'm a newbie slave, I have no useful advice for you whatsoever, other than to say to take good care of your toys, animate and inanimate.

Good luck and I hope you have lots of fun along the way.

(in reply to Hutchables)

Post #: 15

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