A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them?

A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Iamsemisweet -> A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 5:53:57 PM)
I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me. The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true? I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships. I am starting to think that this dynamic has more to do with him than any lifestyle, but I would like to get the opinion of those with more experience. I think this could be important to know before committing to this type of relationship.

Lucylastic -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:02:39 PM)
He sounds like he plans on spending a lot of time alone Which he should be. He sounds like he has a lot to learn DO you think you should sign away your " future" on someone who doesnt care? While obeying and the last word is often the dominants, this is your chance to say thanks but no, I prefer someone who will give a rats ass about me. Unless you are into that sort of thing, I would be colouring flags red all around him good luck

Lockit -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:03:03 PM)
You are 52 years old, educated and have lived half a century and you don't know if its okay or not, for someone to treat you like this? This d/s thing, comes in all flavors, but if your gut tells you that you don't like it... you feel put down and you don't get turned on by that... why would you need us to tell you if it is okay or not? Don't be mad at me for that half a century thing... I am older than you are.

MsLadySue -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:06:21 PM)
Push him to the curb. This person is not treating you like a human being. Would you tolerate this in a vanilla a relationship? Just because he calls himself a Dom does not give him the right to abuse you emotionally.

servantforuse -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:08:46 PM)
You probably already know the answer to your own question. A jerk who enjoys treating someone like crap is someone you might want to stay away from..

beinbluesbeech -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:25:05 PM)
"he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". This may be part of your training, It may be part of His demeaner(and other D's), but not nessasarly part of the whole lifestyle. Sounds clear to me you have reservations about Him. This is not Jerry Springer! You decide, discuss with Him if it's your limits. If you can't discuss it. That tells you a story also. Step back, get your own perspective on the situation.

BonesFromAsh -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:32:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me. The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true? I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships. I am starting to think that this dynamic has more to do with him than any lifestyle, but I would like to get the opinion of those with more experience. I think this could be important to know before committing to this type of relationship. OP, I read your words above and then I look at your profile and read this... quote: Respect (on both sides) honesty, and communication is paramount with me. Tell me, do you really think what he's telling you is true? Don't sell yourself or your exploration into this short....remember your own words, Respect/Honesty/Communication.

IrishMist -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:33:11 PM)
quote: this dynamic has more to do with him Of course it does. On the other hand...it also shows that the two of you are NOT compatible for a relationship. You both obviously want different things.

poise -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:38:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me. The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true? I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships. While you may have alot to learn still in regards to whether a D/s lifestyle is for you, he is making the hardest lesson really very easy for you. While he may be dominant, he isn't the dominant man for you, and it isn't mandatory that you stay with anyone that doesn't have your best interests in mind. Don't let him spoil your opinion of all the other wonderful dominant men out there.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 6:41:02 PM)
I agree with everything that has been said for far.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 7:05:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. Dominant doesn't = Insensitive Dominant doesn't = Uncaring Dominant doesn't = Abusive Dominant doesn't = Asshole Any questions?

sunshinemiss -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 7:43:25 PM)
Some dominant people like and enjoy emotional torture. It is their personal kink. Nothing wrong with that. However, it is not my personal cup of tea. If it is not yours, then what a great lesson to learn. You can thank him for the lesson, and go look for someone who meshes with your way of seeing the world. I don't know if this guy is just a jerk or if he has a lot to learn or if he is an emotional sadist. In the end, does it matter? His ways don't work for you. That's all you really need to know. best, sunshine p.s. I had dinner last night with a gentleman. He also happened to be a dominant man. What a lovely time we had! I came home all happy happy joy joy and woke up smiling this morning. Do you wake up smiling?

DesFIP -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 7:45:00 PM)
It's him. He wants an emotional masochist and you aren't one. Personally I wouldn't be with someone who made it clear that he didn't care about me. If you don't like this, then take more time in the future in finding a partner who you are compatible with, and it sure isn't this guy.

coookie -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 8:22:56 PM)
Well even as an emotional masochistic i am not cool with "oh get over it, it is your issue to deal with".

NuevaVida -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 9:42:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss Do you wake up smiling? Great (and important) question! And yay for sunshine waking up smiling! [:)]

peppermint -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/9/2011 11:41:41 PM)
Do you really need to ask if this is true? That you have asked the question here means that you know the answer, but are afraid to face the fact that the man you have become attached to might be an asswipe. You instincts are correct. He is a loser.

myotherself -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/10/2011 12:21:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me. That's good - just remember D/s relationships come in a myriad of shapes, styles and colours. There is no 'one size fits all' and you may spend a fair bit of time (like I did) finding the one that fits. The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true? Maybe in his world. It wouldn't work for me, and it sounds like it doesn't work for you. Bin him and move on to a relationship that meets your needs better. I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships. Then continue your search with this at the forefront of your mind. Talk to any prospective Doms first, and see if they agree with your thoughts. I am starting to think that this dynamic has more to do with him than any lifestyle, but I would like to get the opinion of those with more experience. This particular dynamic is all about him. I've known (and dated) Doms who are completely selfish assholes and ones who are too keen to make me their princess to ever make it work for me. Once I realise they weren't right for me, I moved on until I found Master. But remember - one person's asshole is another person's king [:D] I think this could be important to know before committing to this type of relationship. It's important to know before committing to ANY kind of relationship! Just because he tells you what to do and smacks your ass doesn't mean it's a completely different world to dating in general (assuming you're looking for a D/s relationship based on love rather than a 'service' relationship). It took me 8 years to find the man I'm with now. I dated A LOT, and each relationship was different. Some were good, some were ok, some were awful. Just like in the 'nilla world. Don't be in such a hurry that you will commit to the first man who wants to dominate you. Be choosy, be careful but overall, don't give up! Good luck [:D]

tazzygirl -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/10/2011 1:15:12 AM)
I had a long conversation a few years ago with a lovely Woman who doesnt post much on these boards. The gist of the conversation was about me leaving a man I was deeply in love with. What brought me around was her telling me that even though I am leaving him, I can still love him. Just as deeply as I want, just as completely as I desire. It doesnt have to change how I feel. And she was so right. Not every relationship you will have is meant to be. Maybe it was from the start, and you grew out of it. Maybe it was doomed from the beginning. Maybe he was meant just to be someone you learned with, then to leave and find someone else. It makes no sense whatsoever to be in a relationship where you do not feel happy about being in that relationship, where you do not feel secure, where you do not feel wanted/needed/desired, where you cannot laugh or cry, when you cannot feel and express those feelings.

thishereboi -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/10/2011 4:54:28 AM)
quote: Is this true? It is true if you want to be with him. Not all doms feel the same way about their sub/slaves. Personally I wouldn't put up with that, but everyone is different. You have to decide what you want from a relationship.

EclipseAbove -> RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? (5/10/2011 8:07:55 AM)
<sarcasm> Sorry guys, but it says right here on pg 47, paragraph 3, line 4 of the official Universal Rules of BDSM Handbook that "submissives are not allowed to have feelings". [8D] </sarcasm> To be serious, it sounds like he has gone a bit too far into the fantasy and forgotten the reality. BDSM still involves human beings who have feelings and those feelings are going to have to be dealt with. Even if the hot, sexy stories say otherwise.

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875