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RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 9:08:57 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Don't thank me. Thank ML.
best,
sunshine


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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Charnegui)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 9:53:57 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Familiarity does play a part in it for Me.  I haven't caught up on what has probably inspired this thread, but I do remember some random guy some time back who started a thread on violet wands.  The thread was basically, "I know what I do but I want to know what you do".  I'm less likely to put as much into a thread like that because I don't have a clue of what the person does, so why should I repeat info that he's already got?

The problem is, this works both ways.  I've started threads that I will withhold My viewpoint because I believe it's going to sway the answers that I'll get in response.  Call it the "yes thread" factor.  If whatever I'm putting out there has a high agreement rate, folks aren't likely to participate if all they feel they are doing is saying that they feel the same way.  There are times I'd rather read the various views and add My input later.


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(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 10:57:54 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

The hands down, best response to a newbie question/wank fodder...

I love that you found that by searching the keyword 'randy'.

As for personal perspectives in OPs, I agree with you to some extent, in that asking posters to reveal information the OP isn't willing to reveal is not great as a starting position.

But I don't think that's about a trust between the OP and whoever responds - the OP's just one of a bunch of strangers reading the thread. The readership of these forums is in the thousands, and most of those readers don't ever say a word - where's the trust there? The OP could read a thread on the same topic started by a 'trusted' regular and get all the personal insight you'd give them in their own thread without revealing a word about themselves - either you're comfortable with the information being in the public domain or you aren't, and I'm not really sure what difference trusting the OP makes to that.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 10:59:51 AM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello everybody,
I've noticed that when people begin a thread and ask others to express how they do something, why they do it, their experience, etc. and yet don't tell their own story, it irritates me. My hackles go up. Why does this person want to know? It's not quite that strong, more like a little nagging thing in the back of my head, but there it is.

When it is someone new, I can't help but wonder about the logistics of trust. When someone who is a known entity - a regular poster - asks a question, I don't have this response. I already have built a relationship of trust (or distrust or neutrality) with them and then make an educated choice about responding. When it is a new person, though, I can't help but wonder about their motivation. My initial, knee-jerk reaction is "you first".

How 'bout you all? Do you have a "show me" kind of attitude? Any thoughts about this trust / distrust continuum regarding posting?

best,
sunshine



The few topic posts I've made here my reasoning for not including personal experiences is so I get a fresh perspective and I don't want to "taint" the replies with my view.

BadOne


that's kinda how i see it too.

not only that, but the type of question with too much info may come over as ill informed and antaganistic. i asked a question about slaves in the q,a,s,s section and although i said i was genuinely interested in their prospective what i wrote was still mistaken to an extent. i had said though that i may not be coming over as i wanted to, and so to please ask questions, which thankfully they did. i was very greatful and gained what i wanted in return, which was a greater understanding.

i don't always want to give too much info on what i think for fear of offending, when what i'm trying to do is learn and have a better understanding. also not everyone is a literary great and so stick to as little as possible. if i read something and i don't quite get it's angle then, depending on topic and interest, i will ask questions back or leave the thread until it's developed a little.

needles

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 12:08:53 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello everybody,
I've noticed that when people begin a thread and ask others to express how they do something, why they do it, their experience, etc. and yet don't tell their own story, it irritates me. My hackles go up. Why does this person want to know? It's not quite that strong, more like a little nagging thing in the back of my head, but there it is.

When it is someone new, I can't help but wonder about the logistics of trust. When someone who is a known entity - a regular poster - asks a question, I don't have this response. I already have built a relationship of trust (or distrust or neutrality) with them and then make an educated choice about responding. When it is a new person, though, I can't help but wonder about their motivation. My initial, knee-jerk reaction is "you first".

How 'bout you all? Do you have a "show me" kind of attitude? Any thoughts about this trust / distrust continuum regarding posting?

best,
sunshine



I take it all with a pinch of salt.

There's always someone else with whom you can have a conversation.

I'm an open person so by nature, and don't expect much in return from strangers.

All in all, 'my hackles' are in good working order: calm, peaceful and focused elsewhere.

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 12:27:27 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

. . .What does irk me is when people ask advice about their situation but it is page five and a dozen posts later before they've told us the whole story. I realize it's difficult to touch every base from jump street but if several pages in the OP's situation has changed so significantly based on further disclosure that it's the proverbial horse of a different color then sometimes I get the feeling that they were intentionally not being forthright in the first place.


That irks me too, but I try to put it into perspective, as often the poster is in a lot of emotional turmoil and perhaps not tracking well.


As far as the newbie asking questions, he's new, he's young, that he is asking so much and giving so little of himself may be mildly annoying, but hey he's asking questions b/c he knows he has a learning curve to overcome. This is smart, IMO. Hopefully he will get to know us, we will get to know him, and he'll share more of himself.


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 1:29:59 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
As far as the newbie asking questions, he's new, he's young, that he is asking so much and giving so little of himself may be mildly annoying, but hey he's asking questions b/c he knows he has a learning curve to overcome. This is smart, IMO. Hopefully he will get to know us, we will get to know him, and he'll share more of himself.


I've never been terribly impressed with the way newbies are dealt with in these forums. From my experiences people appear to interact with them better in real life situations (munches/play parties). If all a forum veteran can offer is a pointer to Google or to the search function they ought to just click the X and move on. Then there's this thread about not trusting a newbie simply because they are a newbie. Makes one feel very fortunate not to be a newbie in all of this.




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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 1:31:13 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
If someone new is being a yutz, my only real consideration is whether or not there would be any entertainment value.


Some of the most entertaining guffaws around this place are not penned at the hands of newbies.


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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 1:34:20 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
If someone new is being a yutz, my only real consideration is whether or not there would be any entertainment value.


Some of the most entertaining guffaws around this place are not penned at the hands of newbies.



Of course. It's even better when they stick around and post their shit regularly.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 2:18:56 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		For what it's worth, I have the same reaction when someone asks me, "Are you busy Saturday?" It's a double edged sword - if I say "no" they might invite me to soemthing gosh darned awful that I'm going to hate or I'll have to say, "no I'm not doing anything, and I'd rather do nothing than go to X with you." OR I say, "Why are you asking?" and feel paranoid. It's a conundrum. I have learned to say to people instead, "Hey I'm planning to go to X on Saturday, are you available and interested in joining me?"

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 3:28:44 PM   
aromanholiday


Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello everybody,
I've noticed that when people begin a thread and ask others to express how they do something, why they do it, their experience, etc. and yet don't tell their own story, it irritates me. My hackles go up. Why does this person want to know? It's not quite that strong, more like a little nagging thing in the back of my head, but there it is.

How 'bout you all? Do you have a "show me" kind of attitude? Any thoughts about this trust / distrust continuum regarding posting?

best,
sunshine




I am neutral toward it or positive toward the newcomer. It's forum regulars I tend to mistrust--on any forum. This comment isn't aimed at anybody in particular, it's just a result of doing messageboarding here, there, and everywhere for a very long time.

Anyway. Sometimes when a person asks this they just want to know how they should feel about something or what they should be interested in. They want to get a variety of responses so they can find one that "fits" their own feelings and adopt it for their own. It's perfectly innocent. What exactly are they going to do with the snippet of information you reveal? If I wanted to really understand somebody who posts to a forum, I would simply read their past posts--all that I could find--and form a much richer and more informed opinion of them from seeing how they respond in a variety of situations. (And they would be none the wiser I had done so.) I would not ask one single question in public and hope to glean secrets about them.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 6:33:32 PM   
SternSkipper


Posts: 7546
Joined: 3/7/2004
Status: offline 		While I am not particularly new to my orientation, I'm a new kid on the block here in this forum...The original post in the thread got me thinking about 5 or 6 years ago in another place when I'd post and I probably was as guilty of not giving my side or citing my experiences either. I'd say at that point I had maybe 2 years experience under my belt and was still pretty feeble in terms of the culture... particularly the online culture. And I would say that in most of the instances where I didn't give my side of the coin, I plumb forgot ... as if the question itself was just so damned important, that nothing else mattered.
Just my 2 cents
Skipper


(in reply to Charnegui)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/10/2011 11:46:31 PM   
PdxJ


Posts: 195
Status: offline 		Your hackles don't go up with a known person because of that familiarity - whether that's good or bad, you still know the name. It doesn't matter whether they come across as incredibly knowledgeable and, unbeknownst to you they got their knowledge strictly from a book and have never laid a single strap across a subs back - their name is still know to you.

Your hackles jump up because of that lack of familiarity with a newbie, whether they have years of experience and are simply wishing to expand in a new direction decides to post on this board OR if they are a bare chinned teen trying to get their rocks off - simply because they are not familiar.

Now, scrape away the b.s. - it comes down to your own perception and trust.
Your first instinct is to not trust them simply due to being unfamiliar with them and rightly so; after-all, most of us (if not all) were raised to not trust strangers.
However, they may be the most knowledgeable person you'll ever meet and you may gain incredible insight in to areas you'd never considered prior so, really, whether your hackles jump up - common decency and manners dictate you probably shouldn't.
Or, they could be just some scum bag sociopath planning his next serial rape - ya just never know.

And yes, I am amused that this is my first post here. 

(in reply to SternSkipper)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/11/2011 4:59:45 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Nope, if I wanna post my experience I post it, regardless of new, or if they gave me a story of their own for a story of mine or not. If I don't wanna dish, I simply ignore the thread an don't dish the goods.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
My initial, knee-jerk reaction is "you first".

How 'bout you all? Do you have a "show me" kind of attitude? Any thoughts about this trust / distrust continuum regarding posting?

best,
sunshine



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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/11/2011 9:01:11 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: PdxJ


Now, scrape away the b.s. - it comes down to your own perception and trust.

I believe that is what I said although not nearly as bluntly as you did. (5th sentence of OP - logistics of trust)


Your first instinct is to not trust them simply due to being unfamiliar with them and rightly so; after-all, most of us (if not all) were raised to not trust strangers.

However, they may be the most knowledgeable person you'll ever meet and you may gain incredible insight in to areas you'd never considered prior so, really, whether your hackles jump up - common decency and manners dictate you probably shouldn't.

No, that is not how I see it. Two reasons - The first thing is that I don't trust because they are a blank slate. That is the point of my OP after all. They don't show that they are the most knowledgeable person I'll ever meet from whom I can gain incredible insight. They show NOTHING. If they give some information, that is different. If they are asking for facts, that's fine. If in fact they were knowledgeable, they have not shown it, they ARE NOT CREDIBLE. They must earn trust, and there is no reason to trust them. Why would I be foolish enough to trust someone just because they made a profile on CM? Do I really seem that gullible?

And B, If it is someone asking for PERSONAL information, I don't give a flying fig about "common decency" or "manners" as you define them. I'll follow my own wisdom, thank you very much. If you want to consider me as uncommon or indecent or unmannerly, I can live with that.

Or, they could be just some scum bag sociopath planning his next serial rape - ya just never know.

That is an excellent reason to NOT share my personal information. I actually don't go to that extreme - there really aren't that many people in my neck of the woods who are on CM, and more importantly I trust my instincts and know how to fight / avoid a bad situation.

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to PdxJ)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/11/2011 9:22:37 AM   
PdxJ


Posts: 195
Status: offline 		LOL - wow, you are a ray of sunshine this morning.

1st) They are a blank slate because you know nothing about them.
2nd) Them not showing they are knowledgeable was my point - you don't know one way or the other.
3rd) You said nothing about giving out personal info in your original post. Yes, you'd be a moron if you gave out personal info to anyone.
4th) Read your own post before you jump someones ass for something that you never mentioned.
5th) You didn't understand half of what I said.


< Message edited by PdxJ -- 5/11/2011 9:25:14 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/11/2011 9:34:32 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: PdxJ

LOL - wow, you are a ray of sunshine this morning.

Being as it is 1:30 a.m., I'm presuming you'll cut me a little slack. If not, well, I'll live with that. (Why am I up so late answering this anyway? Ah well...)

1st) They are a blank slate because you know nothing about them.


Agreed. That's my point.

2nd) Them not showing they are knowledgeable was my point - you don't know one way or the other.

Agreed.

3rd) You said nothing about giving out personal info in your original post. Yes, you'd be a moron if you gave out personal info to anyone.

from my OP:

quote:

I've noticed that when people begin a thread and ask others to express how they do something, why they do it, their experience, etc.


Those are pretty dang personal in my world. I don't even tell my friends this stuff (and they know how I am...)

I'm glad it's clear that I'm not a moron.

4th) Read your own post before you jump someones ass


I did read my post - I read it before I responded to you to make sure I was speaking with the correct information. And Portland, if you think this is me jumping on your ass... wow. You aren't gonna like me when I actually do jump on you. I'm cold and concise. Neither of which I was with you. I may not be all sweetness and light, but who says that being clear is unfriendly? I don't.

for something that you never mentioned.


I did mention it. See above.

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/11/2011 9:41:35 AM   
PdxJ


Posts: 195
Status: offline 		Ok, you and I see personal info as 2 different things.
I see personal info as: Your address, your phone number, etc.

You seem to see personal info as: what experiences you've had.

For the most part, everyone here is fairly anonymous to a certain degree so your personal experiences can't really be considered personal info. But, I guess that's my opinion.

I apologize, I didn't realize you were on the other side of the planet. In my world it's 9:30am.


_____________________________

Imagine what you could learn if you could learn to imagine.

the 'Official Sunny Stalker'

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/11/2011 9:56:04 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		No worries, man. I tend to be more private than a lot of folks are in this day and age of social networking. As far as anonymous - I know nearly a hundred people on this site. I've met in real life over 80 of them. Several of us on this board have real life stalkers who choose to try to harm us in real life based on what we post on the boards.

I'm not opposed to admitting I'm a little more skittish than even people who are as private as I am. I'm also ok with it.

best,
sunshine
(oh, and welcome to CM!)

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to PdxJ)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Self-Disclosure - 5/12/2011 12:10:44 PM   
PdxJ


Posts: 195
Status: offline 		And the difference in gender makes a huge difference in how you should deal with someone online. I know women that have had or currently have stalkers - way scary.

I am male and I honestly don't care what who knows about me. I've met very few people in real life that I originally met online but I get your point.

And, thank you for the welcome Sunshine.


_____________________________

Imagine what you could learn if you could learn to imagine.

the 'Official Sunny Stalker'

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 40
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