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jewelsthepoet -> RE: Why the hesitation to meet? (5/15/2011 9:34:37 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
Jewel,
I feel for you. I really do. Obviously, you've gone through something that was pretty traumatic for you.
However, I think that your extreme caution may be misplaced. As I believe you mentioned earlier, most rape victims are actually raped by someone they know. It's usually a friend, boyfriend, neighbor, relative, etc. It's not typically a stranger that you've met on the internet. Thus, your extreme caution is not likely to prove very effective at its intended goal.
I'd be willing to bet that the number of ladies who have been raped (non-consensually) by someone they've met here on CM is probably negligible. Perhaps non-existent.
Of course, you have to do what best enhances your own peace-of-mind. But talking to someone for six months on the internet before you finally agree to meet them is in no way a deterrent to rape or assault. Frankly, it's much easier for someone to present a false image on-line than it is face-to-face. So you may actually be defeating your own goals (by lulling yourself into a false sense of security).
I can't tell you what to do (and I'm not trying to), but meeting new potential partners at a munch would probably provide far more security than exchanging e-mails for long periods of time will. Most guys would probably be reluctant to rape or assualt someone who they met at a munch. The 20 - 50 members of the local BDSM community who now know what he looks like serves as a bit of a deterrent to that type of thing.
The bottom line is that you can't completely eliminate the possibility of rape or assault. So why let fear prevent you from actually living your life? And that's all it is is fear.
Yes, it is safer to just keep your relationships strictly on-line. Nobody can assault you or rape you over the internet. But if that is your intention, then at least be honest enough to let the other person know that upfront. Most people (myself included) don't appreciate being strung along by someone who thinks it's normal to exchange e-mails for months without ever actually meeting.
I don't keep relationships strictly online unless there is a severe distance issue. I'm currently seeing someone i met on this site. Yes, he waited about 3 months before we actually met, but we did meet and talk nearly every day and we're testing our compatibility. I have never ever said not to meet someone or to keep the relationships online only. I HAVE said to be cautious and get a feel for someone before you meet them. I think my words have been vastly misconstrued.
I live my life to the best of my ability. My agoraphobic issue that i am recovering from was born out of self-consciousness out of being in my 20's and requiring a cane or wheelchair to get around. I didn't feel safe in the outside world because i knew i was more vulnerable as a disabled person and i felt as if people were judging me thinking i was faking it because of my age and the fact that i was denied disability largely because of my age, in the judges own words.
I don't go to munches, never have because i've never had anyone to take me to one and i don't feel comfortable in group settings. I don't go to parties where i don't know most of the people, and have always been that way because ... that's just the way i am. It has nothing to do with trauma or fear, i just don't like group settings. I hated standing up and reading in class, i barely managed to do my solos in band which is why i spent a lot of time in second chair so i didn't have to do the solos as much - my choice, though the teacher tried to encourage me otherwise, and i refuse to sing where people can hear me unless i'm drunk. But not doing those things does not make me afraid nor does it make me in some way wrong, it's just who i am. I can't imagine that without the violence in my childhood and early adult years that i would still be any different. Some people just don't like to be in the forefront, nor do some people like to be in with crowds of people they don't know.
quote:
I'm not going to claim to be an expert on rape or on recovery, but from reading both principles' posts on this thread and on the other one that got pulled, I'd say that you are wrong here as well. Personally I see two people who have suffered some terrible experiences, one of them seems to be unaffected in her daily life by those experiences, and the other admits she is still greatly affected by them, that she is fearful of meeting people, among other lingering issues. Which would you consider more fully "recovered"?
I am not fearful of meeting people, i am cautious. There is a difference between the two. I meet new people all the time. I am out looking for a job at least 2-3 x a week. I smile, i say hello, i speak to them in a professional manner, i engage. I have people come to my house that i don't know that come with friends or they're some of the religious types that like to knock on people's doors and invite them to church. Do i hide and retreat? No. Sometimes i speak to them. Sometimes they come inside and we sit for hours and discuss religious philosophies. I find these casual stranger interactions just as stimulating and fun as i would had it been a friend that came over to visit and talk about their kids or.. whatever.
I am not afraid of strangers, i am not afraid of people in general. Do i listen to my alarm bells? Damn straight. Do i take more precautions with some people than others, especially Dominant men who show an interest in me. Of course i do. Why? Because I am not a statistic and i care about myself and i care about my mental and physical well being. I'm also greatly aware that i'm not as capable of physically defending myself as i used to be and refuse to put myself into a careless position where i can be taken advantage of. I'm cautious for my own safety, because dammit i'm responsible for making sure that i don't put myself into a position where i can be harmed. If something bad happens that doesn't make it my fault. But minimizing the risks as much as i can IS my responsibility and i take advantage of that.
btw.. the woman asked why some people may not want to meet her right away in person. I simply answered with a few possibilities that could be why. I never said trauma was the only one, nor did i EVER ask anyone for sympathy, empathy or anything else. I've been raped. So what? It happens. Yes, it was a traumatic experience. She is a Domme looking for a male sub as far as i know. Men take rape a hell of a lot harder than women do.
Am i the healthiest person mentally? No. Am i crazy and need sympathy and whining and blah blah? No. I simply gave her one viewpoint to look at. Nothing more, nothing less until i started getting attacked. As far as i know this forum is open to all members of the site being able to express their viewpoints and opinions, correct? So why does my mentioning one possibility here and one other discussion out of all the conversations i've posted in make me some poor sap who needs attention and wants everyone to feel sorry for her? It doesn't. Some of you are just twisting the whole thing into something it's not and making a big fuss out of nothing.
I don't know what your problems are with me, but you need to get over them. Because you don't know me and you obviously don't know me very well if you're going to pass that kind of judgement on me. I think it says more about you in your desire to attack and berate me than it says about me for pointing out someone that the OP had obviously not thought of. I never said it was the only reason, in fact i recall stating other reasons as well. But it seems like if you mention the big "R" word, that suddenly that's all anyone can see.
The conversation has become completely disproportionate to the original post i made, and twisted and modified into something that it never was and was never meant to be. I don't need your sympathy, your empathy, your compassion, just a little respect and common sense because like the rest of you, i am a human being with all my flaws and not afraid to admit them at all.
Yes, sometimes my wording leaves a little to be desired. It happens when i'm sick (like presently) and frustrated, which i think happens to most people. This is BDSM community. Since when are we so narrow minded and closed off that we can't accept things that are both normal and abnormal? Some aspects of this lifestyle i personally find disgusting... do you see me bitching about them? No. Do you see me starting arguments with people screaming and bitching at them how wrong they are? Of course not. Because i have enough respect for people to accept that we are all not alike, we are all not into the same things and we are all different in our experiences, our pasts and our personal traumas.
I'll never be the person i was going to be before i was assaulted, but that really doesn't matter. Just like i am not the person i was going to be before i was married or homeless... all our experiences change who we become from what we would have been without them. Good, bad or ugly.
You can keep bitching about everything i say, or you can get over yourselves and stop assuming i meant one thing regardless of what i say. No disrespect intended, but very few of you in this topic have shown me much worth of respect, which some notable exceptions, of course.
No, i don't care if you like me or not. But if you don't like what i post, there's this little thing called a block button. Use it or quit bitching, because treating me like i'm trash doesn't make me trash. How you treat other people reflects on yourself, not on the person you're aiming it at.
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