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Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:08:23 AM

Asherscorp1

Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline

I am a big believer in creating your own happiness. No one can give you self-worth, happiness or fulfillment but of course people can help you along the way. Now in a more traditional life I think I have the basics of this down. If you are single, create a fulfilling life where you can thrive being single. If you are in a relationship do the same. But talking with a friend of mine the other day brough the question up, how can you fulfill the side of yourself that relates to this lifestyle if you don't have anyone to help you? Say for instance you are in a vanilla marriage and that won't change or you are single and haven't found anyone yet, or you live in a town of 300 people and there are just no opportunities. Aside from getting kicks on the internet, how do you create an environment where you can thrive if there is no outlet for your BDSM tendencies? Does happiness for people who relate to this lifestyle necessitate a partner?

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

Post #: 1

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:10:52 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Once, quite a few years ago, I upset someone when I told them "I am not responsible for your happiness!........Nor are you responsible for mine."

I don't dwell on what I want that I don't have. I focus on what I have right now, this moment. I focus on being the best ME I can be. On finding joy.....deep, wonderful joy.

I have it. I take full responsibility for me.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 2

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:20:12 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Life is about choices but some people don't get that. You are in a vanilla relationship and want kink but your partner doesn't? Make a choice about which is more important and realize what that choice means. Want a rich successful man, that choice will likely end up with someone who doesn't have the time to develop a deep relationship, want a hot sexy woman who always looks perfect? Realize that she is going to spend 2/3 of her waking hours getting ready to look perfect and that you are simply an annoyance during that time.

Happiness comes from inside, that was a lesson BSB taught me in many ways. You get the life your choices give you...

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 3

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:26:13 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Great question!

When I first started looking for a partner in this kinky world, I became despondent after a while when I realised that it was going to be tough to find someone who had similar kinks to mine and who I could possibly even fall in love with. I became negative, and reflected that on my profile, in my attitude and in my life in general.

A very good friend of mine pointed out one day that I wasn't much fun to be with. Hell, at that point even I didn't want to be with me! So I made the determined effort to project what I wanted others to see. Positivity, humour, and hopefully an honest portrayal of myself.

It took me 8 years to find Master. And part of the reason he found me was because he liked my profile. It made him smile. He read some of my posts on the message boards, and they made him smile too. We chatted online for a long time, and when we finally met it turned out that we had that certain chemistry I had been hoping to find. I had finally become the kind of person that others were attracted to.

But as a result of my own 'happyfication' I realised that I didn't want to be around overly negative people. Online, I try to avoid those who are clearly miserable and angry with their own life and/or situation and project it onto others. For that very reason I'm being a VERY good bunny and avoiding some recent threads....

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 4

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:27:22 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

want a hot sexy woman who always looks perfect? Realize that she is going to spend 2/3 of her waking hours getting ready to look perfect and that you are simply an annoyance during that time.

excuse me? LOL

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 5

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:33:38 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

want a hot sexy woman who always looks perfect? Realize that she is going to spend 2/3 of her waking hours getting ready to look perfect and that you are simply an annoyance during that time.

excuse me? LOL

Not everything I write is about you BossySmokingHotNastyBitch....you are a rare exception to that remark but I will never forget looking in that mirror and just being in awe of what an amazing woman I was with. You could be smoking hot just putting your hair back and putting on a too tight shirt! Not all women can do that and get away with it.

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 6

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:37:54 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I am glad you couched this in relational terms... how do you fulfill this aspect of yourself without a partner? Honestly, for me the answer is that I don't.

I will put forth an analogy... there have been times in the last few years I thought about having another child. Mothering a small one is a different thing than having an adult child. I cannot fulfill the part of me that loved parenting a wee one with my adult son. Sooner or later I had to say to myself "Well, having another one isn't in the cards, and I have to be happy with the blessing I had ONE child instead of moaning over what I will never have again"

This is kinda my mindset these days about intimate relationships. I do not know if I will ever have another D/s relationship again. I am okay with my life, I am fulfilled and happy anyways, but seriously I do not know what the future holds for any sort of relationship that I am not involved with yet. I have even made peace with the thought I may never have one again.

I can't complain. I got to have the experiences I have had. I have learned from them. I have grown from them. I am a more well rounded person as a result of them. I am far different on my own than I was when I was with Sinergy. I am actually happier, more satisfied with myself and my circumstances. I am less anxious. It is no reflection on him or our relationship that this is so, it is just my own personal growth. I like me more now than ever. I almost have a hard time trading that new sense of self by going there again.

I suppose I am at a crossroads.... No matter whether I find someone I feel submissive to again in the future or not, or I find a vanilla man, or I remain single..... I accept it the way it is. Fulfillment has become acceptance for me. I do not know if that makes sense or not

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 7

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:40:32 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I do not know if that makes sense or not

Makes perfect sense and makes me smile to read it. I could have posted nearly the same ideas, only with different circumstances. It's a good place of mind to be, and I'm happy for you that you're there.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 8

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:45:36 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I do not know if that makes sense or not

Makes perfect sense and makes me smile to read it. I could have posted nearly the same ideas, only with different circumstances. It's a good place of mind to be, and I'm happy for you that you're there.

Awwww thank you! You know, even though our paths have been way different, we often have such similar conclusions...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 9

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:46:27 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

As LaTigresse has said, no one is responsible for another's happiness. I am not responsible for anyone's happiness nor is anyone responsible to make me happy. Which means I can be extremely happy without a BDSM partner in my life. I might want one, but I do not need one to find happiness.

(in reply to Asherscorp1)

Post #: 10

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 10:58:44 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Awwww thank you! You know, even though our paths have been way different, we often have such similar conclusions...

I've noticed that, too, which is why I love when you share your thoughts - it's enjoyable to see the parallels, and to think, "Wow, yep, I'm in the same mental place again!" I remember a long time ago we were in much different places in life, yet learning and contemplating about similar philosophies. Cool stuff.

(sorry for brief hijack)

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 11

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 11:23:08 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

fr

i like what juliaoceania said. made perfect sence to me.

i think that is a very good question. it maybe harder i guess for someone who views, say for instance, being a slave as part of who they are. maybe with no-one to serve there could be a sence of not being complete? i'll be watching this thread to see just how it applies to the people in different areas of bdsm.

for me.....i'm in the lucky position that i have someone i see. now he has allowed me to explore much more of myself than i ever have been able to before. the dynamic of how we work together is, for me, very special. it's the type of person that he is that allows me full expression. it's taken time for us to learn about each other this way, both of us exploring each other and ourselves. if things were to finish between us then all that has to be shut away again, back into fantacy. now that was where most of me has been for alot of years until meeting this man, but to have to shut it away having had a taste? uuummmmmm there is so much more i want to explore with him so maybe it would be harder now to have to shut it away having had some experience. i'm not saying that i can't, or that i won't be happy because of it, but it would be a huge shame to have to go back to fantacy. kinda like using toys, they are ok if needs must, but nothing compared to a real cock.

needles

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 12

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 11:26:15 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I am glad you couched this in relational terms... how do you fulfill this aspect of yourself without a partner? Honestly, for me the answer is that I don't.

I will put forth an analogy... there have been times in the last few years I thought about having another child. Mothering a small one is a different thing than having an adult child. I cannot fulfill the part of me that loved parenting a wee one with my adult son. Sooner or later I had to say to myself "Well, having another one isn't in the cards, and I have to be happy with the blessing I had ONE child instead of moaning over what I will never have again"

This is kinda my mindset these days about intimate relationships. I do not know if I will ever have another D/s relationship again. I am okay with my life, I am fulfilled and happy anyways, but seriously I do not know what the future holds for any sort of relationship that I am not involved with yet. I have even made peace with the thought I may never have one again.

I can't complain. I got to have the experiences I have had. I have learned from them. I have grown from them. I am a more well rounded person as a result of them. I am far different on my own than I was when I was with Sinergy. I am actually happier, more satisfied with myself and my circumstances. I am less anxious. It is no reflection on him or our relationship that this is so, it is just my own personal growth. I like me more now than ever. I almost have a hard time trading that new sense of self by going there again.

I suppose I am at a crossroads.... No matter whether I find someone I feel submissive to again in the future or not, or I find a vanilla man, or I remain single..... I accept it the way it is. Fulfillment has become acceptance for me. I do not know if that makes sense or not

julia, that is just perfect. I think you hit it right on. Especially for those of us who have been through some major life upheavals, I believe your priorities shift, and what was once so important, becomes less so.

Being ok with yourself, yet constantly striving to improve, is really the only way to live.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 13

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 11:37:05 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I literally do live in a town of less than a thousand people. (Very recent move.) The closest kink group is a two hours drive. If I want to be a part of this lifestyle, that means I'm willing to make the effort.

My marriage to MP is basically vanilla between us. That wasn't going to change. He's not submissive and neither am I. We became poly so that we could do the fun things that we now both like to do. It meant we were willing to make the effort.

Sure, clip is collared to Me, but My happiness doesn't hinge on that fact. Before he was in the picture, I was a happy human being who spent My time on the activities that I'm interested in with friends. I've gone to plenty of events on My own, start and maintain friendships, etc. Those things also take effort.

There's also learning about new techniques, practicing certain ones that I already have some skill in, reading material so that I get more knowledge. I still want to be a darn good top, even if there isn't another person involved. Effort again.

None of this is totally and solely dependent on anyone else but Me. There are outlets, but in many cases, it boils down to wanting to make the effort.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to needlesandpins)

Post #: 14

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 1:53:19 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Life is about choices but some people don't get that. You are in a vanilla relationship and want kink but your partner doesn't? Make a choice about which is more important and realize what that choice means. Want a rich successful man, that choice will likely end up with someone who doesn't have the time to develop a deep relationship, want a hot sexy woman who always looks perfect? Realize that she is going to spend 2/3 of her waking hours getting ready to look perfect and that you are simply an annoyance during that time.

This. Everything is choices... where we live. Who our friends are. Pretty much everything can be controlled if one is so inclined. So make whatever choices seem best and then be content with them.

quote:

Happiness comes from inside.

While I know this is the popular thinking, Carol and I don't see it this way. We are very focused on it being our job to make our partner happy. If Carol is unhappy it is absolutely a todo item and extremely high on my priority list.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 15

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 2:18:11 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I am glad you couched this in relational terms... how do you fulfill this aspect of yourself without a partner? Honestly, for me the answer is that I don't.

I will put forth an analogy... there have been times in the last few years I thought about having another child. Mothering a small one is a different thing than having an adult child. I cannot fulfill the part of me that loved parenting a wee one with my adult son. Sooner or later I had to say to myself "Well, having another one isn't in the cards, and I have to be happy with the blessing I had ONE child instead of moaning over what I will never have again"

This is kinda my mindset these days about intimate relationships. I do not know if I will ever have another D/s relationship again. I am okay with my life, I am fulfilled and happy anyways, but seriously I do not know what the future holds for any sort of relationship that I am not involved with yet. I have even made peace with the thought I may never have one again.

I can't complain. I got to have the experiences I have had. I have learned from them. I have grown from them. I am a more well rounded person as a result of them. I am far different on my own than I was when I was with Sinergy. I am actually happier, more satisfied with myself and my circumstances. I am less anxious. It is no reflection on him or our relationship that this is so, it is just my own personal growth. I like me more now than ever. I almost have a hard time trading that new sense of self by going there again.

I suppose I am at a crossroads.... No matter whether I find someone I feel submissive to again in the future or not, or I find a vanilla man, or I remain single..... I accept it the way it is. Fulfillment has become acceptance for me. I do not know if that makes sense or not

I think this post is golden.

So many times we read or hear someone complain, "if I only had THIS, I will be fulfilled", or "how will I ever find fulfillment when I don't have X in my life?"

There are many things in life that can fulfill you, not just one. And no one can GIVE you fulfillment, you have to find it yourself, make your own. You don't have kink in your life? Ok....find kinky ways to masturbate for now, while you're out discovering other ways to feel fulfilled. Maybe it's charity work, maybe it's education, maybe it's personal fitness of some kind, maybe it's just learning how to relax and find your own personal zen. LOTS of things out in the world to do.

Sometimes, you find out that what you actually have is way better than what you thought you wanted.

To julia:

And:

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 16

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 2:43:38 PM

whimperer

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

I am coming to BDSM late in life, in fact I am searching for my first Dom. Do I have yearnings and want some kink in my life? Heck yeah or I wouldn't be here. Am I a complete and happy human being without it? Absolutely. I may never find my Dom but that does not mean I will give up and mope at home. I have friends both vanilla and kink, I have family I adore and hobbies I am very active with.

I think of kink as the cherry on the dessert, wonderful to have but not necessary to the sweetness of life.

I cannot seem to get into my accout on line so I made this account. My nic is Nulife

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 17

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 3:12:38 PM

cactustree

Posts: 22
Joined: 5/4/2011
Status: offline

I hate myself.

Deal with it.

cactus

_____________________________

... bloody your hands on a cactus tree, just wear that dress

and send it to me ...

(in reply to whimperer)

Post #: 18

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 4:20:57 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If I'm without a partner I rarely think about bdsm or sex really.

For me this all has to do with being in a relationship with a man who is a dominant personality and makes me want to surrender to him because of who he is as a person.

(in reply to cactustree)

Post #: 19

RE: Self-fulfillment ... - 5/16/2011 5:24:24 PM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

I am single and happy with my life. This post made me look back and realize that I did the self fulfillment thing and created my own happyness. I got rid of a lot of stuff/people and my life and made it more simple. Now, I can add other people to my new life, but I became very picky (don't know if that is good or not). just my $.02

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 20

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