new sub with some questions (Full Version)

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SexyBBWSub4myman -> new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 6:47:41 PM)

I have just begun a relationship with a Dom. Though I feel very comfortable with him and have enjoyed the times we have had so far. I am asking here for peoples comments and opinions. He has a girlfriend who does not know about me at all. He has told me about why he has come looking for a sub. Though they both just moved up to my area of town from a different part of the state where they had lived before. As of right now we are not sure how often we will actually be able to be with each other. I am able to see him briefly on his lunch breaks. Am I wrong for wanting to be involved with him? We spent this past thursday together for almost 6 hours. Then on Friday we were both able to re-arrange our schedules and spent the night together. We mainly talked about what it would mean for me to be his sub and general talk. We listened to his IPOD. He had also mentioned to me that he loves her very much. Though he said she needs to get help. He mentioned if he did leave her it would be to help her out. Which in turn he said would help him. I replied to him that I would never ask him to leave her. Though if he did I would gladly be there for him.

Please any help would be appreciated.



BonesFromAsh -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 6:53:43 PM)

No advice, just questions....

-Are you willing to be his secret?

-Are you willing to be second?

-Are you willing to enable his ability to lie to his partner?

-Are you happy with what he offers?



PetiteOralSub -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 6:59:35 PM)

@BonesFromAsh said it perfectly.
and this is a situation that really is seperate from the D/s dynamic -- same questions would have to be asked in a vanilla scenario.

Personally, If I have to be a secret, for any reason, I don't need to be there.



SexyBBWSub4myman -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 7:10:50 PM)

I am actually willing to do all of the above. As I have some hiding to do on my own. As I am not in a committed relationship. I do have a play partner I have to hide my darkside from. Me and the Dom I was talking about have both been totally honest with each other. To me honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. Thank you for responding to the post.



HeatherMcLeather -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 7:44:41 PM)

quote:

Me and the Dom I was talking about have both been totally honest with each other. To me honesty is a huge factor in a relationship.
I wonder about this, I mean you are both lying to your partners, so how can either of you trust the other to tell you the truth. You say honesty is a huge factor in a relationship to you, then why are you lying to your partner?

If you have to lie to somebody you shouldn't be with that person.



LafayetteLady -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 7:58:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBBWSub4myman

I am actually willing to do all of the above. As I have some hiding to do on my own. As I am not in a committed relationship. I do have a play partner I have to hide my darkside from. Me and the Dom I was talking about have both been totally honest with each other. To me honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. Thank you for responding to the post.


Why would you be willing to come second in his life? Why are you willing to be a secret? You have a play partner that you lie about your "dark side" to, but you aren't in a relationship with him, he is a fuck buddy plain and simple. You don't "owe" him anything, that's the reason he is a "play partner" only.

Look, you say you have been totally honest with each other. Any guy who says that he loves his girlfriend and would leave her to "help her," is feeding you a line in my book.

What is it that you want us to advise you about? Whether he is worth it? He probably isn't. Do we think he is lying to you? Yep, most likely. Do we think the relationship will work for the long term? Nope.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 8:03:55 PM)

Take all the D/s words out of your post.  If this was a vanilla relationship, would you still want to do it?



BonesFromAsh -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 8:11:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBBWSub4myman

I am actually willing to do all of the above. As I have some hiding to do on my own. As I am not in a committed relationship. I do have a play partner I have to hide my darkside from. Me and the Dom I was talking about have both been totally honest with each other. To me honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. Thank you for responding to the post.


If this is the case...you're willing to accept the lying/secret/second aspects...what's the purpose of this thread?

If you can reconcile the obvious opposite nature of the bolded portions in your quoted post above, then what more is to be said?



juliaoceania -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 9:48:59 PM)

quote:

I am asking here for peoples comments and opinions.


Remember, you asked...


quote:

He has a girlfriend who does not know about me at all. He has told me about why he has come looking for a sub.


Sounds like drama waiting to happen


quote:

Am I wrong for wanting to be involved with him?


I do not know about wrong, but it sounds unwise.

quote:

We spent this past thursday together for almost 6 hours. Then on Friday we were both able to re-arrange our schedules and spent the night together. We mainly talked about what it would mean for me to be his sub and general talk.


It does not sound serious to me, that is like the "I don't know you, maybe I want to and maybe I don't" sorta thing.


quote:

He had also mentioned to me that he loves her very much. Though he said she needs to get help. He mentioned if he did leave her it would be to help her out. Which in turn he said would help him


He ain't leaving her for you. He may leave her, but it isn't going to be for you. he is letting you know where it stands....


quote:

I replied to him that I would never ask him to leave her. Though if he did I would gladly be there for him.


Well, if you wanna be his kinky fuckhole, that is exactly what you should have said.

It isn't like he is married, but he does have commitments, and men usually do not leave their significant other... they say they want to, they may on some level want to, but they rarely do.... and even if they do, they rarely end up with the woman who they cheated with... wanna know why? Because men do not trust or respect a woman who cheated with them most of the time.... hey, I don't make the rules, I am just reporting the reality of the statistics..

Listen, if you wanna get laid, have fun. I predict a bad outcome here, but I have been wrong before. Usually someone gets hurt in these situations: Hint, it isn't going to be him or her, most likely it will be you, If you are cool with that... fine by me.



angelikaJ -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 10:38:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBBWSub4myman

I am actually willing to do all of the above. As I have some hiding to do on my own. As I am not in a committed relationship. I do have a play partner I have to hide my darkside from. Me and the Dom I was talking about have both been totally honest with each other. To me honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. Thank you for responding to the post.


Is this a vanilla play partner or a BDSM one and if it is the latter, I am confused: why would you have to hide your "darkside" from?

Since you like a lot of pain and those activities usually leave marks (that can last quite awhile), you may have to do a lot of 'hiding' should you decide to continue to play with the partner you feel you have to hide from.


Normally I don't go here but IF honesty is a huge factor, then doesn't that really extend to the whole of the person?
You are hiding.
He is hiding.
(btw: 2 wrongs do not make a right; it just makes things really, really complicated)

You may perceive that you are being honest with each other, but one of the things you now know about him is that he can be very dishonest if he feels the situation warrants it.
(And presumably he knows the same thing about you.)
Just something to think about... .



Zoe61 -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/22/2011 10:59:34 PM)

Sweetone...Every reply has said "Get Out" in one way or another...if he is lying, keeping secrets from her, he will do it to you..bad beginning..Your submission is special and gift...I can sense already that you are 'hurting' about this other woman..The hurt will grow..Why be second?..D/s is only great when there is truth...otherwise it may as well be a one night stand no matter how many hours he gives you. Any real Dom would not ask this of you and then ask it be secret..



crazyml -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 12:12:42 AM)

Hello!

Your situation isn't an ideal one.

Personally speaking, I just can't be doing with having to remember all those lies and alibis, so my gut reaction was to say - if you're having enough doubts to ask the question then maybe you know the answer in your head, and your heart (or "loin area") just needs to catch up.

That said, if you're happy that you've considered the possible consequences (and drama) that might ensue, and you're prepared to take the consequences, then you're an adult - go for it.

The one caveat I'd add is that where those consequences affect others, you need to be doubly careful (especially if there were a marriage and children involved - which I understand isn't the case here).

FWIW my advice is that it's really unlikely to be worth the drama, but then I don't know how awesome your groove is.



tazzygirl -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 12:19:03 AM)

Zoe said it best... if he will lie to the woman he says he loves, he will definitely lie to you.



MRRoy2 -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 1:47:57 AM)

What you say is logical.Sounds like he needs to man up though.He is hiding the truth from her. All of you need to live with the truth even if one gets hurt.



DesFIP -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 4:05:34 AM)

If your best friend said she had to sneak around to be someone's bit on the side, that she was never going to get a card on Valentine's Day, never go to the movies, never get to meet his parents, never have him get her a birthday present. That her only value to some guy was to spread her legs when he wanted her to, and disappear the rest of the time. What would you say?

Would you say that she doesn't deserve to be loved and valued? That she deserves to be someone's dirty little secret? That she deserves to be alone instead of loved? Because if you wouldn't advise your best friend to do this, why are you doing it yourself?

Remember, when you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for.



PdxJ -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 4:19:34 AM)

I'm not sure if I get the point of this post.
You aren't asking for advise - you are willing to lie, be 2nd best, be used, enable someone else to use and cheat on their spouse and you are happy to do it. From what I've seen, you've been repeatedly told you are wrong and acting like a door mat, unless I missed something, and yet you justify his actions and your own. So, if you aren't willing to listen, think and take the advise given - why bother asking? 



Madame4a -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 8:45:33 AM)

No good is coming from this. What if you were his girlfriend? How would you feel? How about if she were your best friend?

This is bad all around.. first that he's pursuing this and second that you're willing to put up with it. It will end and probably badly and not before a lot of tears have been shed, at the very least by you and the other woman. Everyone loses...

honestly, this sounds awful and its not D/s..its cheating



Rochsub2009 -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 9:40:24 AM)

I guess I'm missing something, because the answer seems pretty simple to me.

Do you prefer to be honest in your relationships, or do you prefer to lie and have dirty little secrets?

Do you want to be with someone who is devoted to you and makes you their top priority, or do you want to be the chick on the side who gets the sloppy seconds?

Do you want to be able to see the person you love anytime you want to, or do you want to sneak and meet him during work or for brief meetings when he can sneak away from his girlfriend?

Do you want a man of your own, or do you prefer brief sexual encounters with someone else's man?

Do you think that relationships should be built upon openness and honesty, or upon lies and deceit?

If you prefer the first answer to each of these questions, then get out of your current "relationship" as fast as your legs will carry you.  But if you prefer the second answer to each question, then stay where you are, because it sounds like you're in paradise.



SailingBum -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 9:42:15 AM)

Really. Your 33 years old and you haven't figured this shit out yet??? Have you been livin under a rock for the past say ummm 33 years

BadOne



sunshinemiss -> RE: new sub with some questions (5/23/2011 9:51:12 AM)

quote:

He has a girlfriend who does not know about me at all.


What did she say about your spending the night together? If he didn't tell her, where did she think he was?

quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBBWSub4myman

I am actually willing to do all of the above. As I have some hiding to do on my own. As I am not in a committed relationship. I do have a play partner I have to hide my darkside from. Me and the Dom I was talking about have both been totally honest with each other. To me honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. Thank you for responding to the post.


I understand that relationships can be complicated. Yes, I know that.

... you are talking about a man who is lying in his primary relationship... and then you say you are lying (another way to say "hiding") .... and then you say that honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. I guess that is true. It is huge because of its absence.

I'm not dissing you, just recognizing what you've said. I haven't even gone into any of the obvious "lying to self" stuff.

Good luck.
sunshine



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