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RE: Holding Back - 5/24/2011 10:13:41 AM

littleone35

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Joined: 2/17/2005
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When i first met Master (after talking on the phone for about a month). We met in a starbucks to see if the chemistry we had n the phone would be theer in preson it was (and still is). It was a very vanilla date we got to know each other and we did not even discuess BDSM until the 3rd meeting. If he would have been in my face trying to dominate me from the get go that would have been a turn off to me. he did not have to be in your face because he give off that vibe. He was also very confidant which i really liked. The best thing was he was himself the same guy i talked to on the phone no pretense.

So Op there is nothing wrong with being laid back and yourself. If they don't like it, That is their loss plenty if ither fish in the sea.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Lockit)

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RE: Holding Back - 5/24/2011 10:36:04 AM

PdxJ

Posts: 195
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MistressK:
Speaking from a Dom point of view, I totally agree with how you are doing it.
Reason being:
1) I don't treat anyone, sub or dom, differently. Why would I?
2) If the sub is still in the meet and greet stage - they aren't considered mine. Why would I treat them differently? Why try to dom them out from square one or insist on protocol? What exactly is the protocol in dealing with someone you're just meeting? I can appreciate it if they refer to me as 'Sir' but until I have accepted them as my sub or potential slave, I'd prefer they don't. And I will never tolerate someone calling me 'Master' that doesn't belong to me.

IMHO - until you accept them as your sub or slave, you're just a couple people meeting for coffee or lunch.

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RE: Holding Back - 5/24/2011 11:57:22 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

As I have mentioned before, it is my opinion that there are, as a general rule, some huge differences between male and female subs..........

A hint of your dominance here and there is most welcome, but until you establish a certain core foundation of trust, more than that is, in my opinion, not appropriate.

Very good post, ChatteParfaitt. I agree completely.

IMO, I think it's inappropriate to do the "On your knees, Bitch!" act at the very first meeting. At that point, you're both just two strangers meeting for coffee. When someone approaches me as Uber-Domme right out of the gate, it turns me off. It makes it very hard for me to take them seriously.

However, I do like to see subtle hints of dominance. I think that we males do like to have a sneak peek at "the coming attraction". It doesn't need to be overt or over-the-top. But subtle occasions of dominance are always a positive.

While it probably shows a great deal of impatience on a male sub's part, I think that many will assume that a Domme is "not dominant enough" if they don't get some glimpses of dominance fairly early on.

Frankly, at a first meeting, I'm trying to answer 3 questions:

1) Do I find this person to be physically attractive? (I know that it sounds shallow, but we guys tend to be visually oriented).
2) Is there chemistry? Am I enjoying the conversation, and could I see myself spending more time with this person?
3) Could I actually see myself submitting to this person?

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RE: Holding Back - 5/24/2011 10:42:38 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressK2011

I tend to hold back some of my dominant tendencies when getting to know a potential sub/slave. For instance, I don't follow protocols, will ask their opinions, let them make choices, agree with their ideas (if I really do, and not if I don't). This would be my pre-and-first-coffee-meeting tactic. Basically, I've been screening this way by letting them talk, and show me themselves on their own initiative. I treat it like a vanilla 'getting to know you' thing, except if it comes to bdsm preferences.

It's akin to giving a person enough rope, and seeing if they hang themselves. Many do, but I wonder if I've missed some chances by (deliberately) holding back dominance? I know exactly who I am, what I want, and what I'll tolerate, but I let most things slide in the early stages.

I have limits, and boundaries, and I'll tell anyone if they cross those, but it's rare anyone does, so they may not see obvious dominance at work until after the first coffee meeting.

I want to know, from subs and slaves (duh!) if this tactic is a bit too laid back for most of you? Do you prefer some sort of dominance from the beginning, or only after you know the person and have met for the first time?

- K

1)how is your initial meeting stance "holding back dominance"? If you decide that's what you're going to do, that's the way it is. Also let's be honest they haven't agreed to anything so why would you feel "acting dominant" would be appropriate?

I had a sub actually act shocked when I told him what I'd be wearing at starbucks with a sigh of releif because he'd somehow imagined a full latex cat suit and kitten heels for our first meeting. Just goes to show how kink fantasy and reality can be very different.

2)Why is agreeing with someone "not domly"?

3)What do you mean by "letting things slide"? Either you're being genuine about who you are, or you aren't. There are ways of showing even a first time newbie they've crossed a line in a vanilla setting.

My main question is are you trying to show a potential sub who you are as a person as a basis to build a real life long term relationship with...or are you upset you're not being perceived in a more fantasy/ idolized context?

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RE: Holding Back - 5/25/2011 9:18:15 AM

MistressK2011

Posts: 39
Joined: 4/19/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

1)how is your initial meeting stance "holding back dominance"? If you decide that's what you're going to do, that's the way it is. Also let's be honest they haven't agreed to anything so why would you feel "acting dominant" would be appropriate?

I had a sub actually act shocked when I told him what I'd be wearing at starbucks with a sigh of releif because he'd somehow imagined a full latex cat suit and kitten heels for our first meeting. Just goes to show how kink fantasy and reality can be very different.

2)Why is agreeing with someone "not domly"?

3)What do you mean by "letting things slide"? Either you're being genuine about who you are, or you aren't. There are ways of showing even a first time newbie they've crossed a line in a vanilla setting.

My main question is are you trying to show a potential sub who you are as a person as a basis to build a real life long term relationship with...or are you upset you're not being perceived in a more fantasy/ idolized context?

1. I don't feel acting dominant would be appropriate. Once in a while I've actually gotten to the meeting stage and the guy was shocked I didn't say where to sit, what to order, etc. That is what I meant by 'holding back'. Maybe the wrong term, but more, why should I care what some virtual stranger picks to order or where to sit? Yes, I have no interest in kink fantasy. ;-)

2. It's a reference to an attitude I grew up around, and in fact the province I still live - where women, specifically, would agree or 'smile and nod' to keep the peace with the men in their lives whether they actually agreed or not. So what I am saying is, I don't do that 'smile and nod' thing just to be agreeable, I only agree if I mean it. Which in the latter case *is* domly, or at least self-assured.

3. "What do you mean by "letting things slide"? Either you're being genuine about who you are, or you aren't. There are ways of showing even a first time newbie they've crossed a line in a vanilla setting."

The 'getting to know someone' stage (pre-meeting) where I might not be as apt to set more usual boundaries. The 'excitement', the interest of finding out about someone new - I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. The stage where a person might extend themselves a bit further than normal, out of curiosity and newness.

For instance, staying up far too late talking (though I'm interested) when I know that it is not something I will *always* do in any relationship. Eventually I'll settle into my more usual sleep patterns, so I feel I let things 'slide' when I don't keep them appraised of such things (though if nothing happens after the coffee meeting it may not matter)

Or, if something they do bugs me, not saying something out of 'best behaviour' attitude even though I strive very hard to be a very honest person. That's another way I feel perhaps I 'let things slide' when I should say something.

Maybe that behaviour (question 3) is pretty much normal, and nothing I need to worry about at all. It's a balance sometimes between tact and honesty. I feel it's important to do a weekly self review, see if I like what I see in the mirror, figure out ways to improve. I can't even say that subs/slaves I've met have said I am 'not domly' or dominant enough. Well, one did but he was the 'I thought you were going to order for me, tell me where to sit, and when I could eat' one so I am probably better off.

My dominance is a more subtle thing, that I prefer to gently wrap around a person like a warm and comfortable blanket, without leaving body parts exposed to the cold OR choking them in it.

- K

< Message edited by MistressK2011 -- 5/25/2011 9:20:22 AM >

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