Can't go vanilla again!

Can't go vanilla again! (Full Version)

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elizabethVI -> Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 12:32:27 PM)
I know this subject has come up before on the message boards. I just haven't found it yet. After 6 years in what I thought was a bdsm D/s relationship (which of course gradually depleted through the years), it has turned vanilla. I can't survive in a vanilla lifestyle. I just can't. He's asked me to marry him....The thought of living vanilla just horrifies me. I do love him and he's an incredible man. How do I get us back on track or find out if that is truly who he is...vanilla? <cringe> I constantly give control wrapped up in a pretty package but he just doesn't want it maybe or doesn't have time for it or more likely feel secure in himself to take it......I'm just so sick about it.

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 12:39:24 PM)
quote: How do I get us back on track you don't. the fucker's vanilla. you can't do vanilla? leave the bastard. there's no other options babe, you leave or go vanilla. make your choice. anything else you do is just delaying the inevitable. hannah lynn

MistressEllen444 -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 12:50:50 PM)
OP, I have been very curious about people who change interests, or how they express them. Did he go "vanilla" once you started talking about marriage? My thought would be that maybe there are some guilt issues around being married with a BDSM dynamic. Sort of like there are two women thing: one you have fun with and one you bring home... Anyway, I wonder about this after being approached by so many married men who knew they needed to be dominated yet were compelled to marry vanilla. Just wondering out loud, as it were.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 1:04:27 PM)
What conscious steps do you take to create a safe space for him to assert his dominance?

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 1:06:52 PM)
I've had zero luck at being vanilla... any time I've tried I've gravitated towards BDSM (Both D/s and Kink). Posts like this blow my mind.

Madame4a -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 1:11:27 PM)
Talk to him about it, we don't know a thing about him and very little about you... talk to him... openly and be clear...

juliaoceania -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 1:19:17 PM)
This ain't rocket science... either someone can and will meet your needs, or they don't. You have to decide if you want love or you would rather seek something you may never find because it might not exist as it you believe it should in your head. I don't know exactly how you feel he is letting you down, or what your expectations are, so that is all for you to mull over.

LaTigresse -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 1:51:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elizabethVI I know this subject has come up before on the message boards. I just haven't found it yet. After 6 years in what I thought was a bdsm D/s relationship (which of course gradually depleted through the years), it has turned vanilla. I can't survive in a vanilla lifestyle. I just can't. He's asked me to marry him....The thought of living vanilla just horrifies me. I do love him and he's an incredible man. How do I get us back on track or find out if that is truly who he is...vanilla? <cringe> I constantly give control wrapped up in a pretty package but he just doesn't want it maybe or doesn't have time for it or more likely feel secure in himself to take it......I'm just so sick about it. As others have said.......TALK TO HIM! Tell him what you've told us. Ask him what the fuck is going on, why did things get off track........ yanno.......communicate.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 3:43:26 PM)
A newcomer to the lifestyle, a slave came to me with 2 children. There was no biological dad to deal with so I became the only dad. I loved her and the kids with all my heart. We were a big happy family. After 2 and half years the rapture of BDSM wore off and my slave asked me to go vanilla. I said, "what would I want with a woman that wasn't a slave?" Well cut my heart out and smash it on the floor, take the children and lets not play ex-dad so you can give the kids and your future partner what you gave me . . . a fresh slate. That shit hurt like hell but I was only in the kids life a few years. I am old enough and smart enough not to beat a dead horse or try and change my stripes. Sometimes BDSM only lasts as long as the rapture. Whatever the case, the advice given by others is quite valid. Talk about it, fix him or change your stripes or move on.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 3:59:43 PM)
I asked my very first submissive why she left her husband and she told me because he wouldn't tell her what to fix for dinner. I've heard more than a few submissives saying they just couldn't tough out vanilla relationships. Of course, that's not to say just because a relationship is bdsm based it will be something to write home about.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 4:02:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist A newcomer to the lifestyle, a slave came to me with 2 children. There was no biological dad to deal with so I became the only dad. I loved her and the kids with all my heart. We were a big happy family. After 2 and half years the rapture of BDSM wore off and my slave asked me to go vanilla. I said, "what would I want with a woman that wasn't a slave?" Well cut my heart out and smash it on the floor, take the children and lets not play ex-dad so you can give the kids and your future partner what you gave me . . . a fresh slate. That shit hurt like hell but I was only in the kids life a few years. I am old enough and smart enough not to beat a dead horse or try and change my stripes. Sometimes BDSM only lasts as long as the rapture. Whatever the case, the advice given by others is quite valid. Talk about it, fix him or change your stripes or move on. RS, I went through something similar...but only after the fact was shit said to me. Yes, it tore out my heart and hurt like fucking hell. Actually what's rather ironic is that she's gotten back in touch with me recently. This is after years! many years! She was rather surprised to discover that I actually tried Going Vanilla, and how things had effected me at the time. I was a little shocked to discover that she thought I took things so lightly, as if she never meant that much to me. /ouch/ There's something to be said for perceptions of things. Anyways, turns out some of the mindless things she said to me at the time, she said out of her own frustration and anger and actually did not mean it. Again, she was rather shocked to find out how deep of an impact these words connected with me. Ironic, we are just had a conversation that we should have had 17 years ago.

angelikaJ -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 4:25:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: elizabethVI I know this subject has come up before on the message boards. I just haven't found it yet. After 6 years in what I thought was a bdsm D/s relationship (which of course gradually depleted through the years), it has turned vanilla. I can't survive in a vanilla lifestyle. I just can't. He's asked me to marry him....The thought of living vanilla just horrifies me. I do love him and he's an incredible man. How do I get us back on track or find out if that is truly who he is...vanilla? <cringe> I constantly give control wrapped up in a pretty package but he just doesn't want it maybe or doesn't have time for it or more likely feel secure in himself to take it......I'm just so sick about it. As others have said.......TALK TO HIM! Tell him what you've told us. Ask him what the fuck is going on, why did things get off track........ yanno.......communicate. To the OP, Once you have done that if he still wants a BDSM relationship then find a kink aware therapist to work on the issues that caused you to derail. https://www.ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

DarkSteven -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 4:59:41 PM)
No offense, elizabeth, but after reading your journal entries, I wonder what it is about being submissive that you identify with. The problem isn't in him, it's in the dynamic between you. I suspect that, as RedMagic hinted, he might not be seeing you as submissive.

littlewonder -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 5:02:40 PM)
maybe he simply feels that you should just do and be wihtout him having to give you constant orders or forcing your submission? Did you fall in love with the man or the kink?

gungadin09 -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 5:26:09 PM)
1. Talk to Him about it. If He's vanilla then... 2. Decide how far each of you is willing to bend to make the relationship work. 3. Explore possibilities such as: breaking up, staying together but breaking off the engagement, playing non-sexually with other people, playing sexually with other people, poly, etc. 4. You might also want to examine why you've let it go this far without talking to Him about it. However, in my opinion, there are more options here than to stay and suck it up, or leave. pam

PdxJ -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 5:28:33 PM)
After my last M/s relationship ended, I tried to go back to vanilla. lol - it doesn't work. So, OP, in my opinion, he either never was or there is a different issue at hand fueling this. Some people simply want to experiment and dabble. Others are born for it and regardless of how much they try, they simply weren't meant for vanilla. People either play in the shadows and return to the light, or they were spawned from (and for) the shadows.

juliaoceania -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/27/2011 6:06:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven No offense, elizabeth, but after reading your journal entries, I wonder what it is about being submissive that you identify with. The problem isn't in him, it's in the dynamic between you. I suspect that, as RedMagic hinted, he might not be seeing you as submissive. Hmmmmmm, what exactly in her journals would give you this opinion? Her journals say nothing about her inclinations toward her personal relationships. I find this a giant leap.

DesFIP -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/28/2011 4:17:08 AM)
Perhaps she's already removed the passages that made DS say this. I will say her comments about everyone in her local community comes off as extremely snotty. Beyond that, you cannot expect new relationship energy to last. Nor should he be required to dream up new rules on a daily basis which he doesn't care about in order to 'punish' you. If you have internalized the rules, as you should have by now, he may be happy as is. Or he may be tired of fighting with you and wants you to submit willingly.

DarkSteven -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/28/2011 4:38:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven No offense, elizabeth, but after reading your journal entries, I wonder what it is about being submissive that you identify with. The problem isn't in him, it's in the dynamic between you. I suspect that, as RedMagic hinted, he might not be seeing you as submissive. Hmmmmmm, what exactly in her journals would give you this opinion? Her journals say nothing about her inclinations toward her personal relationships. I find this a giant leap. Her main profile criticizes others in the local community on numerous grounds. Her journal entries continue that trend and say basically that she doesn't take anything from anyone. Nowhere does it say that she is in a relationship, let alone one that's lasted years. Nowhere does it say anything about what makes her tick. Nowhere does it say what gives her joy. I got the feeling of someone who's used to calling the shots, and has a healthy degree of resentment. Not someone in a relationship, or one looking to give to another.

thishereboi -> RE: Can't go vanilla again! (5/28/2011 4:49:11 AM)
Yes, it came up over 3 years ago and it was started by you... http://www.collarchat.com/m_1610052/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1610052 But you never came back to discuss it. Now 3 years later you are still having the same problems?

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