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what now? - 5/28/2011 6:27:02 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		I've been struggling with this thread for the last hour... Wondering should I post it, shouldn't I post it, etc. Don't get me wrong I can handle the rude poster and the hateful "suck it up stop whining about it grow a pair" that some people will no doubt post...THAT's not the problem.  The problem is I'm just not sure where to start.  As I'm aware that many of you get very irritated when you don't get the full story, here goes:
I've recently left (or been asked to leave) my husband and his slave. Divorce is basically pending... Hindsight being what it is and all, people were right all along and he was never a dominant to me at all. I have a plethora of feelings naturally ranging all over the place, which I understand are normal. This is not about them...it is about me and my stuff.
I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?
I'm mostly just looking for information to ponder.
Thanks for any and all feedback.
Thanks,
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 5/28/2011 6:28:32 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 6:32:28 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I didn't.

After my last relationship I took time to be by myself, to not date anyone at all, to do things for myself and to get myself back on track.

When I started dating again I simply took my time in getting to know someone before I decided if I even wanted to go out with them at all. I didn't know if "bdsm" was going to be the thing again or not. I simply went out with men who I felt some kind of attraction to. It took me over 8 years to meet Master and it just happened by chance that he is into bdsm and it just happened that his dominant personality made me want to be his slave.



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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 6:34:43 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		You have always been one of my favorite posters.

You have mail.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 6:54:19 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Right now you are questioning everything and that's the right thing to do. It will take time to heal, to become sure of yourself. You may find you are drawn to the same dynamic a couple of years down the line, but it's equally possible that you won't be. You simply won't know till you get there.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 6:56:44 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Before I answer let me say, I am so sorry you went through that... shoulda coulda woulda is really inappropriate right now. My sincerest wishes that you come out of this period with plenty of personal growth and wisdom



quote:

I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?


It has been over a year for me, and to be honest, I do not know if I am really ready. I gave a lot to my last real relationship, and I may have flirted with others since then, but I realized it was only because I missed being with someone.

I feel as though I could start anew now, but the reason I am pretty sure this is so is because I am happy by myself. I do not feel "needy", and I did at first. I think I sought validation through others, and now I do not need it anymore.

So my answer to the questions you have posed, at least for myself.... I knew I was ready when I did not feel a sense of loss every day over the past, when I began thinking about my future with only myself in mind (not feeling regret for the future that might have been), and could take or leave a relationship - depending on if it satisfies me...

Your place of readiness maybe extremely different from mine.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 7:38:59 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the replies. I don't want to mislead you... I'm not out there seeking a new relationship right now.  Despite the fact that I've been celibate for the past five years I'm not out there seeking a man to either bed (aw hell...fuck) or die into any kind of relationship with.  

I'm just currently working my ass of on me. And I guess my question is when I feel like the time is right......Then what? Then where? Does that make any sense at all?

Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 7:41:48 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		This is not meant to be snarky at all.

I find that, if I just listen to the voices in my head, they never lead me wrong. You will know when....and what....just live.

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yep

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 7:43:25 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

This is not meant to be snarky at all.

I find that, if I just listen to the voices in my head, they never lead me wrong. You will know when....and what....just live.


It does not sound nor is it taken as snarky at all.

Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 7:57:14 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Then what? Then where? Does that make any sense at all?



Wouldn't that depend on what was going on in your life?

I know my relationship needs change as my life situations have changed. It depends on your headspace, doesn't it?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 8:06:36 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Kalista,
My heart goes out to you. Coming into Feb this year I had to deal with pulling the plug on things with somebody I been involved with for three years. Extremely Disappointing and Disheartening but it needed to be done. It effected me though. It's rather difficult for it not to.

The bonus upside to this was that my Ex from 17 years ago, got in touch with me and we finally had a much needed conversation we should have had 17 years ago. To be honest, I tried like hell to become vanilla after her. I'm not going to get into all the details. I had made a post about it a few years ago on here. In some ways this conversation was rather liberating for my soul. Again without going into details.

To be honest with you, any relationship can be toxic or unhealthy for you. It's not a matter of the type of relationship as it is who you are having the relationship with.

I reached a point a few weeks ago...of feeling it was time to start looking again. Ready or not here I am. Simply because I need to get the fuck on with life. I'm not going to pretend for a moment that I'm fully ready. I need to push forward and deal with life, the best I can.

It's funny cause I just wrote somebody an email message today, in it... I myself said... I'm not the same person that I was 4 years ago. I'm the same, but I've changed.

People change over time, that's all there is to it. Change through their own experiences. At times some of it can be rather traumatic, other times it can be like standing on top of the world. It's the good times and bad times. That's a balance of things.

I do know this, I've become more focused upon myself. Which is a good thing, but at the same time.. makes me a little more self centered. I realized this very much so today even.

That does not make me a bad person per se, I've not figured out if I've changed for the better or for the worse.

I just know that somebody truly took advantage of every ounce of my empathy with made up sociopathic like lies. Grandmothers passing away and none existent funerals that never happened.. Cause Grand mother was still very much a live. Having Cancer coming out of remission that never existed. Not to mention a pregnancy with medical complications, that sure enough was a lie as well. This girl literally sucked my Empathy like it was fucking blood. And now... I'm left feeling a little cold and drained. I'm not as in touch as I once was. Things that happened today was more than enough proof for me.

People that manipulate and tell lies that intentionally play and feed upon Empathy... are indeed vampires. I've not posted a word about this shit for so long it's not funny. I've been keeping private... extremely private about a lot of things.

Even more so, since I don't want somebody reading my deep personal thoughts...and using this information to sink their teeth into me. Never again, do I want to go through this shit again. I'd rather turn into a complete asshole instead of be drained again.

So as you can see, I myself am Lost as to what advice to give. I myself have my own issues.






_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 8:43:52 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?
I'm mostly just looking for information to ponder.
Thanks for any and all feedback.
Thanks,
Kali


I doubt you are thinking very straight right now, you are likely in shock, going thru the motions but feeling numb(?). So perhaps those questions should be set aside for now, simply because the answer might be different today than they will be at some point in the future. Working on yourself, that process and those changes might lead to a different answer, no need to be set into an answer now. Right now you have to heal, to adapt to your new life, take care of yourself physically, and now that you have the freedom, take the opportunity to do things you were not able or allowed to in your marriage. Then down the road, your subconcious will start to sort out the answers for you.

That is basically what happened to me, when i was in a relationship with a Dom I was his total slave, and after that, I thought I still wanted to be a slave to a new Dom so that is the direction I headed in (or tried to). But over the last few months I came to realize that the Dom restricted me too much, he would not answer many of my questions and lied to me, which is the reason I walked away. I can not be in a relationship with someone that I can not trust. So with the time that has passed and the hurt dissipating, I have changed and now I want a fairly normal relationship and be a sex slave only. I think that will work for me a lot better.

You have so much on your plate right now, you will come up with the right answer for you once things have settled, after you have healed and can think more clearly. Take care.

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 8:47:19 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?


Sorry to hear that you have to leave this relationship.

As for that first question, I like the advice given by some already and I could add nothing to it by tossing in my two cents. 

How do I know it is healthy for me...because it has been.  Something either builds me up and I feel peaceful most of the time, in spite of all the aggravations, or else a relationship can erode my soul.  You will know if it is feeding you or if it sucks you dry and makes you feel alone even when you are with someone.

How do you know when you are ready to try again?  When I am finally at peace and bringing up the past doesn't make me suffer anymore.  Long time ago I broke up with someone because we just couldn't make it work.  He was the biggest love of my life and for many years afterward, the pain stayed keen and fresh.  I felt that someone had punched a hole through my chest and had ripped my heart out.  I kept thinking that it shouldn't still hurt, but it did.  It took a long time for me, but about ten years later I suddenly realized that it had stopped hurting and I felt intact.  (Probably I would have reached this stage sooner, but I was busy raising a very demanding energy vampire, my autistic son, and there was no energy left to help myself heal.)

Then I needed time just to enjoy my own company, getting used to feeling like one person instead of just...lost.  (Probably I would have reached this stage sooner, but I was busy raising a very demanding energy vampire, my autistic son, and there was no energy left to help myself heal.)

Part of being ready means that I don't need someone else to heal me.  True, I am wary of getting into that mess again and have made new rules for myself, but at the same time, I know we cannot plan for everything and sometimes life just... happens.  Last time, the problem was there from the beginning, but I chose to overlook it, found it somehow endearing, and yes, I expected things to change over time.  Now I try to force myself to see everything, warts and all, and decide if I can live with it before getting too involved. 

I am ready to try again...but at the same time...not ready.  Ready, because I want it when for years I did not.  The not ready part comes from being content with my life the way it is and feeling wary of drastic changes...and of falling in love with someone who finds me very convenient but cannot love me back.

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 8:54:30 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		You wont know for a little while at least. They say that you need to give yourself one month for each year you have been together. I generally shy away from what "they" say but this made sense to me. Take your time off and just enjoy living again. I am sorry for where you are right at this moment though Kalista.

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 8:59:56 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

They say that you need to give yourself one month for each year you have been together.


I talked to a psychologist that put a different time table on that....It takes a lot more than 5 months to "get over" a 5 yr relationship, and it would take only less than a yr to get over a decade long relationship. It takes as long as it takes, but if it was a significant relationship, it will take at least a year, perhaps two or three... and this depends on not only amount of time, but the future that was planned, and if you share children



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 9:40:22 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'm really sorry for your situation. Although I haven't been with my husband now for 5 1/2 years I would still give anything not to have gone through the break up of my marriage. I can't say that I'm a better person now after it happened or that the experience turned out for the better, because I'm not sure that those things are true. It's something that happened, and I've gotten through it, and I'm happy with life as it is today. I'm ok with that.

Where you are and what is right for you may change from day to day until you get some things straightened away. Give yourself some time. My husband of 17 years left me, I dated once at 5 months later. Once again at 7 months, and then I started dating a lot, at one point I was seeing 7 different men. Then I didn't date anyone for a good while. It went all over the place. Within that time I found D/s and decided I'd look into it - I dated both Dominant and vanilla men. I certainly wasn't limiting myself, I wanted to try different things out. Why not?

I've had a good relationship for 2 1/2 years now that'll probably last, but I don't know if I ever want marriage again although he mentions it. Baggage...I have plenty. I'm always ready to leave him whenever I'm upset, subconciously I want to be the one leaving this time so it hurts less. I know I play this game and yet can't stop doing it. Someday I'll put it behind me.

Even now that I have this great relationship I try not to have it be the center of my life. I went back to school, I cultivate friendships there and at the gym. In other words I'm living a decent life all on my own. I don't know what makes you happy but just try to treat yourself kindly and pay attention to what you seem to need as far as whether you should include anyone else or not. In other words, I do have my boyfriend/Dom, but he's not the sole reason for my happiness or lack of. This was a lot of rambling, I hope some of it was useful to you.
Hugs on your journey...

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RE: what now? - 5/28/2011 10:38:11 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		In regards to my previous post. I did a double check with my Gut Instinct Spidey Senses, it's telling me somebody fucked with my Empathy today...instead of being straight up with me.

The bitch about somebody playing on your Empathy, is that if you don't play along.. is that you become the fucking heartless asshole. I seriously hate this form of Bullshit manipulation that masks and hides what's really going on. I think I'm pretty alright with being an asshole now, if I sense this kind of shit being played on me.

Kalista...be well and be exactly what you need to be.




< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 5/28/2011 11:37:37 PM >

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

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RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 2:19:54 AM   
OwnedFemaleFlesh


Posts: 182
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline 		You won't know, yet. But in a few months, years time the urge will (or maybe won't) come back at you and demand to be fed. I had a vanilla relationship in between my two BDSM relationships, I just didn't feel the need or the urge to do BDSM at that time. But after that ended, a year or so later I just got this overwhelming urge that I really had to, needed to, must do BDSM now, right now, no more waiting. I felt like I would drop down dead if I couldn't find someone to dominate me. So that's how I knew.

BDSM is really no different from sexuality. You know when it's the right time to find a new partner because you start to get those sexual, romantic yearnings where you want someone, and you feel ready and right for it. Same with BDSM - you get that urge to do it again, or you don't, but either way, if you listen to yourself, that will tell you.

owned xxx

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RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 3:18:46 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		When i split up from a very bad situation i took up dancing... oh it heals the soul

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RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 6:37:45 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you? How do you know that it's healthy for you? How do you know when you are ready to try again?
I'm mostly just looking for information to ponder.
Thanks for any and all feedback.
Thanks,
Kali


I suppose, for me, it's not so much about *this type of relationship* as it is about the bloke I might be having it with.

I've been married twice and neither of those bore any resemblence to the other. I don't envisage any other M/s relationship resembling the one I have now.

I don't know that it's *healthy* for me..... but I've done plenty of things that wouldn't be considered healthy and been perfectly happy. Getting to grips with your own *heathy* meter is obviously rather crucial. If I'm happy for the majority of the time, looking forward to and enjoying life, then healthy or not, that's good enough for me.

As for trying again, clearly people will vary wildly.....Personally, if I'm interested, then I'm ready. That's a general guide for me for anything.......as there's no particular way to *tell*.

agirl


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RE: what now? - 5/29/2011 7:11:11 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Dearest Kali,
I hope you see your divorce as a constructive step that will clear the slate and let you find a more suitable partner(s).  

Sometimes you just don't know if that type of relationship is right for you until you try it with the right people.  I’m a passionate man.  I’ve had several hundred lovers in my life but only a select few, 3 to be exact, fit as my long term (10+ years) life partners.  

As far as knowing if a person or relationship style is healthy for me, I never look at them or what I have with them.  I look at how they reflect on the rest of my life.  I meter it by the quality of my life.  Is my life better or worse with this person?  Did they bring something positive to the relationship or did they bring a basket of chaos and woe?  

“How do you know when you are ready to try again?”  For me, it’s when bleeding heartbreak stops that I find I am ready to try again.  Sometimes it takes a few weeks, sometimes a few months.

I hope you find the information you seek to ponder.

Best wishes,
Kalon Eric


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
. . . I guess what I'm questioning is how do you know after a situation like this that this type of relationship is right for you?
How do you know that it's healthy for you?
How do you know when you are ready to try again?
I'm mostly just looking for information to ponder. . . .


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I give good thread.

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