Reflectivesoul
Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
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quote:
I do agree that learning to dominate her from an old boyfriend is probably not the best way to go about it but another dom as a mentor/ confidante may be a way to go.
I agree with that wholeheartedly. Another great thing about finding collarme right off the bat is that you have a lot of real lifestylers here that will be honest and upfront with answering questions and helping.
One thing I feel that I have to point out is that the lifestyle isnt learned in a day, week, month, year... its is a constant learning process and everyone that we meet teaches us something new. I know being new is so hard because you want to learn it all in just a short period of time, its not going to happen though because as wel learn we grow and we change, what we had concerns with before seem so odd as we move past them. Things we might have said in the past we would never do, become things we might now enjoy. Just try not to get caught up in anyones one sided this is the way the BDSM works, because thats bull.... This lifestyle grows and changes with us, and is what we make of it and what we need from it, the universal tie is we all have the need to either Control or be controlled which brings us all together. There are people in this lifestyle that come from all backgrounds of life itsself and it is truly one of the most open places to learn about yourself and what your needs are and how to get them met.
No this lifestyle isnt for everyone but those of us who have found our way in here are usually the better for it.
Another thing, you have to talk with her find out what her likes and dislikes are within the BDSM, find out what kind of submissive she is ( yes there are many types, and dont let that scare you off ) but understanding her is the biggest step you'll take. If after finding out what her likes and dislikes are and learning about the lifestyle more yourself you feel that it is something you wish to try with her then by all means find a mentor and some good friends and dont be afraid to ask questions to them or of them, most real BDSMers will gladly help you and teach you the ropes ( so to speak heh ). We were all new at one point and we all remember how it was to kind of feel like the odd man out because we were unsure of ourselves or felt we lacked the knowledge to participate, but what I have learned is that its the being open and being willing to try and putting the attention into learning that has had the biggest rewards.
Jealousy has no place here, yes I understand that there is a primal need to protect and to covet what is your own, but you can do that much more effectively by getting into her head than by being a brute and puffing up your chest and saying no no mine..... Thats a turn off to some degrees. ( yes its cute to have a man stake his claim but not in a fashion that is demeaning to the partner, which is what jealousy is, it means you either arent secure with her or you arent secure with yourself, both of which are things that you must recognize and change because trust is the basis and foundation to all relationships not just ones in the lifestyle)
Let me add too that the BDSM ( contrary to what the media says) isnt all about sexual kinks or leather clad girls and boys in collars and leashes. Yes that is a PART of the BDSM but thats not the truth to it. The BDSM is a world of control, controlling yourself and controlling another. ( From the Dominant stand point) There is a level of trust and commitment that is so much more deeply felt and realized than in a "vanilla" relationship. There is a need on the part of a submissive that is filled by being controlled and their contentment is found in serving someone else, there is also a need on the part of a dominant that is filled by taking control of a little one, and also a deep felt satisfaction in watching that little one grow in their submission.
I know this is turning into a book but there is one more thing I wanted to share that I thought was so awesome the first time I read it, and it encompasses the Dominant submissive relationship so well that I thought it just needed to be here too.....
He is the Master ........ she is His clay .....
a couple visiting Europe was window shopping and came cross a quaint antique shop ... In this shop, they saw a beautiful teacup. It was unlike any other they had ever seen. They said "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful."
As the Master handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke.
"You don't understand", it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was a peice of old, hard red clay. My Master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and
I yelled out, 'Let me alone!' But He only smiled and said, 'Not yet.' ....
Then I was placed on a spinning wheel, and suddenly I was spun around and around and around.
'Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!' I screamed,
but the Master only nodded and said, Not yet.'
Then He put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why He wanted to burn me and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see Him through the opening and I could read his lips as
He shook His head 'Not yet.'
Finally, the door opened, He put me on the shelf and I began to cool. 'There, that's better,' I said. Then He brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag.
'Stop it, stop it!' I cried. He only nodded. 'Not yet.'
And suddenly He put me into another oven, not like the first time. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged, pleaded, screamed, cried, all the time I could see him through the opening, shaking His head saying 'Not yet.'
Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and He took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later, He handed me a mirror and said
'Look at yourself.' and I did.
I said 'That's not me, that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful.'
'I want you to remember' He said,
'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you would have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you in there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are
a finished product.
You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.'"
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