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Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 7:31:13 AM

BegForPermission

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/23/2009
Status: offline

Am I wasting my time looking for a woman who is submissive during play but has a sense of individuality and self the rest of the time?

During play time, I try to bring out the best in my partner. I challenge myself to do everything I can to satisfy my partner. I expect them to reciprocate. In my opinion D/s is more about the connection than the inherent sadism, masochism, violence, or pain.

Outside of play time, I'm a pretty vanilla guy. I work, do my share of the housework, have hobbies, and friends I like to spend time with. I expect my partner to do the same. When I ask where you want to go for dinner tonight, I'd love an answer other than "well, where do you want to go?"

Am I crazy in looking for a full-on D/s relationship "in the bedroom" while at the same time looking for a full-on 50/50 partner for everything else in our lives?

Post #: 1

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 7:41:29 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Welcome to collarme.

On the surface, you want a bedroom submissive. That's someone who submits ONLY in the bedroom, but is an equal everywhere else.

But in rereading your post, I suspect that you're a service Top. That's someone who is doing the standard stuff like spanking, tying a partner up, etc., but is doing it to meet the bottom's needs more than their own.

I'd recommend you look for a switch woman and explore with her.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to BegForPermission)

Post #: 2

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 7:52:58 AM

BegForPermission

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/23/2009
Status: offline

I guess that's the catch. I am doing what I'm doing to meet BOTH of our needs. There are things I'll do that are purely selfish and things I'll do that are completely for my partner but for the most part I want us both to walk away satisfied, however that needs to be achieved.

I'm calling myself a Dom because I set the pace. I decide what happens and when. I decide what's good enough and what isn't. But at the same time, I pay attention to my partner to make sure they're getting what then need too.

Maybe I'm wrong. Though I'm not new to the lifestyle, I am new to talking about it and the current language being used.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 3

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 7:56:51 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

I think you are talking about what a lot of women actually want in real life. Unfortunately, CM is not really a terribly welcoming place for that kind of person ime. CM tends to be more 24/7 D/s or M/s than what I call "hanky spanky". (I love CM, but that doesn't mean I don't see reality)

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to BegForPermission)

Post #: 4

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 8:16:49 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

No you are not crazy

Edit... well actually i don't know you all that well... maybe you are

< Message edited by ranja -- 5/29/2011 8:17:44 AM >

(in reply to BegForPermission)

Post #: 5

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 1:37:02 PM

SubmitIt

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/18/2010
Status: offline

Probably easier to find someone like that offline, than online.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 6

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 4:05:34 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Many women would like what you seek....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to BegForPermission)

Post #: 7

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 4:08:42 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Welcome to collarme.

On the surface, you want a bedroom submissive. That's someone who submits ONLY in the bedroom, but is an equal everywhere else.

But in rereading your post, I suspect that you're a service Top. That's someone who is doing the standard stuff like spanking, tying a partner up, etc., but is doing it to meet the bottom's needs more than their own.

I'd recommend you look for a switch woman and explore with her.

Or he could seek out someone who wants to submit in the bedroom and forget the switch....

Switch means a variety of things, but I would not assume it meant "bottom" or "bedroom submissive". For example, I could be happy in the right relationship with bedroom submission... if I loved the guy. I would never switch.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 4:51:17 PM

highhopes4us

Posts: 50
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline

I think it is possible to find that....It is normal to have a vanilla side w/ur partner {sub} as well as a D/s one....its all abt knowing when to come into the vanilla side....

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 9

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 5:04:38 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BegForPermission

Am I wasting my time looking for a woman who is submissive during play but has a sense of individuality and self the rest of the time?

During play time, I try to bring out the best in my partner. I challenge myself to do everything I can to satisfy my partner. I expect them to reciprocate. In my opinion D/s is more about the connection than the inherent sadism, masochism, violence, or pain.

Outside of play time, I'm a pretty vanilla guy. I work, do my share of the housework, have hobbies, and friends I like to spend time with. I expect my partner to do the same. When I ask where you want to go for dinner tonight, I'd love an answer other than "well, where do you want to go?"

Am I crazy in looking for a full-on D/s relationship "in the bedroom" while at the same time looking for a full-on 50/50 partner for everything else in our lives?

No, you are not at all crazy for wanting that. Many people want that. I want that. Bag the suggestion about looking for a switch, that is not the answer.

There is no answer on how to go about finding this because it is like looking for anything else in life, putting your needs and desires out there and hoping to find a like minded woman.

I almost never read a profile that states what you want; including yours, which is blank. If you fill in the blank with what you wrote here, perhaps you may get some takers.

(in reply to BegForPermission)

Post #: 10

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/29/2011 7:30:43 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

CM tends to be more 24/7 D/s or M/s than what I call "hanky spanky".

Actually, I've seen many profiles on CM where the s-type does not seek a "24/7", and is really only insterested in either play, or a bedroom only dynamic? (shrugs)

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 11

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 12:03:41 AM

hematitan

Posts: 49
Joined: 6/25/2010
Status: offline

Not crazy at all, I don't think. Something like that would be my ideal relationship.

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

Post #: 12

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 1:33:23 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: highhopes4us

I think it is possible to find that....It is normal to have a vanilla side w/ur partner {sub} as well as a D/s one....its all abt knowing when to come into the vanilla side....

Considering his perspective, it seems to me it's all about knowing when to jump to the kinky side...

Ms. LA - Collarchat (which is what I was meaning and was unclear about) really does have a 24/7 bent. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I won't go into the cluster fuck of a thread when I simply asked if there was room for Hanky Spankies here.

RED - I actually thought of you when I saw the OP. HA! (And I thought of me too of course... and then I thought of you and me together... and then I went... SUPERNOVA!)

BEST,
SUNSHINE

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to highhopes4us)

Post #: 13

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 8:06:39 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

I have to agree with the previous posters who said there are many women who want some combination of what you speak of... Personally, I don't know how realistic 24/7 is for a person like me due to my job issues, etc..... I desire a bit more than out of the bedroom, but truth be told I'm not sure how much more so perhaps in the bedroom would be enough. Lord knows the 24/7 I lived with before wouldn't work with me.

I say change your profile, go to munches, meet people in real life, and be yourself.

Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 14

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 10:10:36 AM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Ms. LA - Collarchat (which is what I was meaning and was unclear about) really does have a 24/7 bent.

Ah... yes... that would most certainly be true!!! I just assume if people are "looking", they're doing so on the personals side of CM, not the forums.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 15

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 2:00:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

About the what do you want for dinner question, in my experience this is something nobody ever wants to answer, kinky or vanilla. No matter how dominant you are, by the time you're thirty you've had to answer this over 3000 times, even if you're the only one home.

So I wouldn't base an assessment on a person's personality on this question.

The other thing is that there are a lot of people who do use this as a trick question. If your ex responded with "Mexican" and you then sat there sullenly and not eating, being passive aggressive as hell, you learn really early to never express a preference. Plus there are people who think that a dominant isn't dominant unless the sub is always being made unhappy. So if any time she answered in the past honestly, she never received it, she will be afraid to answer it honestly now.

You need to be very clear when you're asking something like this. Say that you aren't in the mood for seafood or Chinese, but anything else is fair game. This teaches her that you do mean what you're asking and that there isn't a wrong answer. Because she doesn't know enough about you yet to know when it's safe to ask for what she wants.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

Post #: 16

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 3:16:54 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BegForPermission
I'm calling myself a Dom because I set the pace. I decide what happens and when. I decide what's good enough and what isn't. But at the same time, I pay attention to my partner to make sure they're getting what then need too.

You will quickly learn that caring about one's partner is a submissive trait in BDSM-land. Doing nice things for one's partner is a submissive act. In general, sparing a thought for their welfare and happiness is "undomly". Real doms don't give a rats ass about the people around them.

If that sounds as stupid to you as it does to me, then ignore it. One of my little "real dom" rules is "real doms don't let random strangers tell them how to run their relationships"

Back to you looking for someone who can breath without a command outside the bedroom (and yes, I wrote it like that on purpose), my general assessment is that you'll find plenty of women interested in bedroom only. I also think you should keep your own thoughts on the topic flexible. You're drawing some pretty hard lines... as if Carol obeying my commands outside the bedroom meant that I can't cook, clean, or ask her opinions about things. Back when we were vanilla and I asked Carol, "Where do you want to go for dinner?" she's ALWAYS answer, "Where do you want to go?" Now that we are not vanilla, when I ask her that question I get a real answer.... the "real answer" may well be, "I don't have a strong preference tonight." but nowadays I'll only get that one if it really is the right answer. Anything else would be disobedience. My point here is that you seem to be putting an awful lot of some specific (and specifically bad for you) flavor on what it means to wield authority outside the bedroom. You might stop to ponder the fact that if you're in charge then it'll have whatever flavor you want. Carol and I would look very "vanilla 50/50" to even non-casual observers.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to BegForPermission)

Post #: 17

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 3:28:09 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

Nope, sorry buddy. My man snatched me up pretty quickly =D

Kidding aside, if you keep looking you'll find her. Took me almost 7 years. And that is QUICK in comparison to some people.

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 18

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/30/2011 5:23:32 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BegForPermission

Am I wasting my time looking for a woman who is submissive during play but has a sense of individuality and self the rest of the time?

I think what is probably holding you back (other than that darn blank profile) is that you are labelling what you want and others are misunderstanding that label. Do you want something like what leadership describes? Most of the people that I know are in the "less is more" style of power relationship.

I know a very few who are in a micromanaging relationship, where the dominant dictates every, or almost every, moment of the submissive's day. The sub has to ask the dominant for permission to use the bathroom (which may or may not include calling to ask if they are not in the same place), to go anywhere, to buy anything, how to dress every day, etc. While some people really thrive in that sort of relationship, to me it seems like a whole lot of work on both sides and something that would not make me happy.

On the other hand, far more of the people I know are in a relationship where the sub knows the dom is the final authority, but that does not mean she does not get to make any decisions. It means she makes decisions that she knows are the type he would approve of. If she is unsure, then she contacts him for guidance. I would definitely not characterize this as a "bedroom submissive" (which to me is really more of a "bedroom bottom" because I don't turn submission on and off like a lightswitch).

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to BegForPermission)

Post #: 19

RE: Am I crazy? - 5/31/2011 7:51:08 AM

mynxkat

Posts: 240
Joined: 5/7/2011
Status: offline

My .02 here. The relationship Master and I have sounds a lot like what you describe as your ideal. Except that it doesn't really end at the bedroom door. Like leadership and Cali and others who've responded, Master is the final authority all the time, but he doesn't see that as meaning that he can't help with the housework or that I have to ask permission for every damn little thing. He encourages me to think for myself, and anyone who didn't know what our relationship is would think we're vanilla and that I was a sparky little smartass. Well, they'd be right about the second part, but the point is, that's how Master likes things. He wants me, as I am, smartassery and all, not some timid little mouse.

So keep your hopes up and don't give up searching. I'll chime in with fill out your profile and go to munches and meets in your area. Good luck to you!

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 20

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