Suleiman
Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004 Status: offline
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I would tend to suspect that, since the "vanilla" realm does not tend to actually set limits per se, we tend to have a major blind spot where the "other limits" are concerned. Such limits are of course every bit as important, but we all get the idea of SSC drummed into our heads, so we spend time thinking about "If I were asked, would I allow someone to poke holes in my flesh with a needle?" We just don't worry enough about whether "If I got stood up for a date, would I be offended?" I suspect that people take their attitudes on such subjects as a given, but of course we all have differing hard and soft limits about what we like in our relationships. I am not as inclined to take being "stood up" personally than a lot of people I know. It just dosen't bother me. It's maybe a soft limit, as in don't make a habit of it, but really, once I know that a friend of mine is a flake, I just compensate accordingly and take that into my calculations when they ask me to meet them somewhere. Unfortunately we tend to take such considerations as part and parcel of the "getting to know you" phase of dating. Guys won't verbally express such limits, hard or soft, for fear of not getting laid (sorry, fellas, but we all know it's true. We resist the "little man" to varying degrees of success, but it still forms a hub around which our personal universes revolve). Women, on the other hand, won't express such limits for fear of being called a female dog (or some similar offensive epithet) and likewise scaring off a potential mate. Thus, we all enter our relationships by performing a strange, passive-aggressive butt-sniffing contest, trying to find out if the other person is right for us, because it simply never occurs to us to lay our cards on the table and just say what it is we want. Personally, I am of the opinion that safewords should be in effect in any relationship. There are times, talking to my family, I just want to scream "Yellow" when they get back to certian tired and emotionally loaded topics of conversation. The missus and I have actually acknowledged safewords during arguments, and we will back off and stop the fight. I find it saves a lot of hurt feelings and recriminations later on to point out that something unnesisarily hurtful or offensive was said in the heat of the moment. It also gives both parties a chance to cool off and actually work out the problem, rather than simply screaming at each other in order to prove who is "right" and who is "wrong". By the same token, hard and soft limits should be applied, but I'm not sure I've ever taken the time to seriously consider them (well, okay, a few - I set the bar pretty high and managed to find my wife any way). I'm going to have to take some time to think about this. Thank you, dear, for reminding me that I can always work on my self-awareness. ~S
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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.
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