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adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 11:20:07 AM   
mitsu


Posts: 67
Joined: 9/7/2005
From: New York
Status: offline 		I was wondering if anyone out there has ideas about how to introduce a new partner to SM.  I tend not to date within "the scene," and a lot of boys are sketched out by (their own prejudices against) non-vanilla sex.  They hardly ever accept that I'm into what I'm into, but maybe it's because I don't quite know how to introduce them to new things.  Advice?

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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 11:24:27 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mitsu
I was wondering if anyone out there has ideas about how to introduce a new partner to SM.


I tend to use "The Secretary" or "9 and a Half Weeks".  You can play them off as "adventurous" movies and then watch their reactions.  Of course, they work well in the male Dom/fem sub dynamic, not sure how well they would work in the fem Domme/male sub dynamic.

I imagine there are movies that have that sort of thing going on...

Taggard


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My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to mitsu)
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 11:30:38 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

quote:

ORIGINAL: mitsu
I was wondering if anyone out there has ideas about how to introduce a new partner to SM.


I tend to use "The Secretary" or "9 and a Half Weeks".  You can play them off as "adventurous" movies and then watch their reactions.  Of course, they work well in the male Dom/fem sub dynamic, not sure how well they would work in the fem Domme/male sub dynamic.

I imagine there are movies that have that sort of thing going on...

Taggard



I have seen one in the video rental called Submission that is about a fem dom

K

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 12:00:41 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mitsu

I was wondering if anyone out there has ideas about how to introduce a new partner to SM.  I tend not to date within "the scene," and a lot of boys are sketched out by (their own prejudices against) non-vanilla sex.  They hardly ever accept that I'm into what I'm into, but maybe it's because I don't quite know how to introduce them to new things.  Advice?


I think one of the key things is to not fall into a couple of traps:

1) Having a guy think you are a manhater or a freak or sadist
2) Having a guy think you are an easy lay or ready to jump in the sack just because you are kinky

My best advice is to go slow.  I test the waters by dominating flirtaciously. I might drop a few hints and see if he picks up on them.  In early stages of intimacy, I show frisky signs of dominant affection -- clench his hair a little tighter during kisses, hold his wrists behind his back, give playful orders  ("close your eyes and don't move" or "hold your breath until I tell you to stop").  I watch his reactions to these advances. Does he like it? Does he respond eagerly and like being told what to do? Does he wrestle back control and change the subject or try to turn the tables? Does he ask, "Are you kinky or what? Do you have a whip or something?"

Based on how these initial stages of flirtation go, I can usually tell if he's going to be receptive.  It generally settles itself anyway; if he's a real pill about it and won't "play my reindeer games" in good fun, I probably lose interest.  If he finds it excting and engaging and enjoys pushing my buttons, our chemistry is in alignment.  If he's way too eager to please and turns into instant-sub and starts pushing me and begging for orders, I lose interest also.

After the initial courting/flirting/light foreplay stages I determine when the appropriate time is to tell him that yes, I do in fact have a whip, many of them, and a whole closet full of leather and latex and various restraints.  By then, there's some vanilla trust built up and he also knows I am not an unbalanced person.

Akasha


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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 12:47:44 PM   
mitsu


Posts: 67
Joined: 9/7/2005
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think one of the key things is to not fall into a couple of traps:

1) Having a guy think you are a manhater or a freak or sadist
2) Having a guy think you are an easy lay or ready to jump in the sack just because you are kinky


What if you ARE a freak or a sadist?  What if you ARE ready to jump in the sack?  Just kidding... kind of.

I think I need to clarify - I am a masochist.  I think that this is especially hard to introduce into a relationship.  I meet a lot of guys who are extremely uncomfortable with hurting a girl, understandably.  My situation is compounded by the fact that I'm a pro dom, so I can't just "drop a few hints" that I'm into s&m without hiding that huge part of my life.  How do I tap into a guy's openness not just to new things, but to accepting this undeniable part of me?

_____________________________

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists - that is why they invented hell.
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 12:48:35 PM   
DelRey


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline 		It's like anything else:
You bait a hook. If you get a nibble then you re-bait the hook with something a little more delectable. If you get a bite then you may have something, Set the hook and real it in slow but firm so you don't spook them.

I usually make a joke when the right social opportunity shows up, something about "giving her a good spanking" and watch for reaction. If there is no reaction I will jiggle the lure and say "yeah a spanking won't work, you'd probably like it" and wait for the reaction. 99% of the time this becomes the fork in the road for me and I then know either I can re-bait and try to set the hook later or end the prospect of fulfilling my needed dynamics.

Now you have to realize I'm dealing with vanilla women or should I say blonds lol, (sometimes they just don’t get it) and in the case of naivety I find my self re-introducing the original bait in several forms of presentation. 

LOL, I did have one prospect say to me, "whats with all this spanking thing you keep talking about" (I guess I was pretty needy at the time ~wink ) I'm still laughing, as she said it so mater of factly and she kind of shocked me with the straight out question as no one had ever done that before..... You can imagine that one ended in my rear view mirror,,,,,, meaning "the last time I saw her was when I was looking in my mirror as I left her off at her house. LOL

Yes, it may not bring out admitance of a desire to be a sub 100% of the time but it usually eeeks the door open to keep my interest in them and allows me  to learn of them and of some possibilities.

Good luck

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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 12:54:30 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		If you intend to pursue a longer term relationship with them, I'd say honesty is always the best policy.  Talk it out, tell them you'll go slow, etc.  You could also always do some simple things during vanilla sex and wait for their reactions.  Light choking, tie them to the bed, spank them lightly, and being forceful in general are good ways to start.  If they get creeped out at any of that, stop and talk.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 1:04:03 PM   
mitsu


Posts: 67
Joined: 9/7/2005
From: New York
Status: offline 		Again, all of these reply posts are speaking from a top's position.  I want to get HIM to pull my hair, not vice versa.  It's a bit frustrating to wind up inadvertantly topping from the bottom, and trying to convice someone: if you want to please me, you'll have to punish me!  Hmm, maybe I should just tell them that...

< Message edited by mitsu -- 5/13/2006 1:05:55 PM >

_____________________________

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists - that is why they invented hell.
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 1:06:32 PM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mitsu

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think one of the key things is to not fall into a couple of traps:

1) Having a guy think you are a manhater or a freak or sadist
2) Having a guy think you are an easy lay or ready to jump in the sack just because you are kinky


What if you ARE a freak or a sadist?  What if you ARE ready to jump in the sack?  Just kidding... kind of.

I think I need to clarify - I am a masochist.  I think that this is especially hard to introduce into a relationship.  I meet a lot of guys who are extremely uncomfortable with hurting a girl, understandably.  My situation is compounded by the fact that I'm a pro dom, so I can't just "drop a few hints" that I'm into s&m without hiding that huge part of my life.  How do I tap into a guy's openness not just to new things, but to accepting this undeniable part of me?


Something I've suggested here before is what I call the "anti-George" approach.  That is, be the opposite of what you are, or what you want to experience, with your partner.  Maybe try incorporating a little erotic pain play -- on him! -- into your time together.  Go slow ...  the objective is to convince him (thru his own experience) that you can go there safely, that it can be a turn-on, and that people who might find this enticing aren't freaks.  Of course, since you're a pro-Domme you run the risk of creating (or uncovering) a latent sub if you do your job too well....

The other thing that's been helpful to me is being really, really open to my partner's fantasies -- I mean really going out of my way to try to encourage her to open up and share her stuff.  Once she felt safe that I would listen to her non-judgementally, she was a lot more willing to listen to my fantasies too.

Now -- I've only tried this once, but it worked well within the relationship I had at the time.  YMMV.

(in reply to mitsu)
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 1:08:54 PM   
Elizabeth7777


Posts: 27
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		::raises hand::

A thread I can contribute to!

Other than a brief amount of time "playing" with scene partners in the mid 80's, I've only had vanilla guys to start with. Never had a problem getting at least sprinkles in, mostly just a matter of timing. The hardest thing is knowing how much further I can go without risking something that's dear to me (the relationship).

Had lunch with an old lover the other day. We work together, so the lunch was mostly work talk and then he stops, looks me in the eyes and says "You know, you are the only woman who has ever spanked me."

This goes back 15 years now, the sexual part of our relationship, and he's quite the womanizer, so it was a little heart stopping to hear him say that and see the longing look in his eyes when he did. I just smiled and said, "Yeah, you f'd up. " and then I changed the subject back to work. :)

The thing I've seen in two marriages to strong vanilla guys (I was widowed young) is that being ridiculously patient and taking the l-o-n-g view has paid off. Never lucked in a situation where I've introduced the sprinkles and had the handsome paramour whisper "My god, I've been waiting for this my whole life." Also, never had the moves rejected.

My short answer to the OP question is "Methodically."

Elizabeth

edit PS - watching 9 1/2 Weeks can set a stage quite well, regardless which gender partner is chanelling Mickey Rourke

P.P.S - post was intended as a reply to the OP, still getting used to the buttons on this board.

< Message edited by Elizabeth7777 -- 5/13/2006 1:12:06 PM >

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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 1:13:09 PM   
mitsu


Posts: 67
Joined: 9/7/2005
From: New York
Status: offline 		Thank you, pollux.  Exploring fantasies is something that I think is a healthy, eye-opening experience.  It lets you face yourself.  It can bring you out of the closet.  My guess is that people do what they're told to do much more than they know.  They're told how to think when they watch TV, and they're told how to fuck when they watch porn.

_____________________________

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists - that is why they invented hell.
Bertrand Russell

(in reply to pollux)
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 1:19:50 PM   
mitsu


Posts: 67
Joined: 9/7/2005
From: New York
Status: offline 		Thank you, too, Elizabeth.  I guess patience is key.  Too bad for the ones who got comfortable with themselves too late.

_____________________________

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists - that is why they invented hell.
Bertrand Russell

(in reply to Elizabeth7777)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 1:25:54 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Ah, sorry about that.  I clicked your profile to find out your orientation, and I just assumed.  I guess my best advice about that would be honesty again.  Tell him what you want and see if he's OK with it.  Loan him books, if he's the reading type.  Watch movies with him if he's not.  It also helps to pick a man with a fairly strong dominant side in his daily life.  I know that's stereotypical and there are of course exceptions, but you really can just tell with some guys.  Also, if he ever does anything you like inadvertantly, let him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you enjoyed it.

My husband was 'nilla when I met him.  I was very honest with him very early in the relationship (I was still dating other people) about what I required sexually.  He understood and we worked on it together.  He found out how that he enjoyed it, and we took it from there. 

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to mitsu)
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 2:42:11 PM   
Rumtiger


Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline 		..why do they always live in New York...::sigh::

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If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 4:36:29 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		Payback with Mel Gibson has some scenes with Lucy Liu being a professional FemDom and beating somebody that Mel Gibson is dealing with.

Dont know of any that really deal with the dynamic in depth, though.

Good luck

Sinergy

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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 5:51:50 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mitsu

I want to get HIM to pull my hair, not vice versa.


Welll, to be quite honest, I think that should be much easier than the other way round...

My question then becomes, why would you exclude the guys who 1) already know just how to do it and 2) already know that they want to do it?  Why are men who are dominants unacceptable to date?

I also wonder how many sprinkles you really are looking for.  Do you want a mostly 'nilla kind of relationship, where every once in a while you get a really hard spanking/flogging/single tailing?  You mention that you are a masochist, but never imply that you are a submissive...are you simply looking to bottom to your partner every once in a while, but leave out the entire D/s dynamic?

More details would be helpful...as you are a striking woman, and I really doubt you would have much trouble finding what you are looking for in NYC, if you knew exactly what that was.

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 5:55:44 PM   
Elizabeth7777


Posts: 27
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mitsu

Again, all of these reply posts are speaking from a top's position.  I want to get HIM to pull my hair, not vice versa.  It's a bit frustrating to wind up inadvertantly topping from the bottom, and trying to convice someone: if you want to please me, you'll have to punish me!  Hmm, maybe I should just tell them that...


Oh, geeze, I'm sorry. I clicked on your profile but didn't read all of the responses in the thread carefully enough before posting to understand your orientation in relationships. Only in re-reading did I realize I'd missed the mark.

FWIW, the way I introduced power exchange/BDSM into my current relationship was "me first". Spanking and light bondage has become so mainstream, you're barely even kinky if you suggest it in the heat of a moment. In my case, I was going for the "let's turn the tables, honey" opportunity, but I could just have easily been working towards something else.

Seeing your pleasurable reaction to XYZ act can set up a Pavlov's dog reaction in a partner who wants to please. Even if the act doesn't turn him on initially, he's turned on by you being turned on and (knowing most guys), he's eventually going to think he thought of it himself. :)

I'm a fan of building blocks with vanilla guys, not conversations. Maybe I'm too risk averse, avoiding that "you can't seriously be into THAT" rejection.... but doing and not talking (other than erotically in the moment) has worked out pretty well. Just s-l-o-w.

Hope I got closer this time!

Elizabeth




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~ show a little faith, there's magic in the night ~

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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 6:03:58 PM   
mastrscait


Posts: 18
Joined: 4/8/2006
Status: offline 		Wonderfully said!!  Finding someone in the lifestyle or not, you still have to test the waters and sometimes it just isn't hot enough to jump in!!


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RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 6:05:10 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I would think that half the Doms on here would cream there jeans at the idea of topping a pro domme. Not the kind of thing I'd personally be looking for but hey diff strokes and all that. Personally I think that going to a munch and meeting a Dom with which you have some rappore would be how to find what you're looking for. It seems like finding someone already labeled kinky would be a safer top considering the circumstances than some nilla off the street where they have to be trained and could potentially cause physical harm playing with advanced toys they aren't experienced with...sorry but I personally would classify a pro domme bottoming as a HIGHLY advanced toy.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: adding sprinkles to vanilla - 5/13/2006 7:11:47 PM   
SweetEscravo


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		Just start slow...don't attack them one day dressed in all black leather and a whip...someone who hasn't recognised their desire to be kinky definitly needs to be led into it somewhat.  If they come around, awesome, if not, move on.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 20
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