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Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 9:35:38 AM

shaym35

Posts: 5
Status: offline

Alright, I'm not sure where else to go for help here...

I met a man on here late last year and have relocated for him... I've been living here for 2 months now but the problem is that once I got here the D/s aspect has barely been a thing. I have a hard time acting submissive, let alone a slave, to somebody who barely tries. I'm treated as a girlfriend and nothing more... I have brought this up with him and he has given me many excuses as to why this is. One being that he sees me as his equal... Another that he's been too busy and stressed to deal with training... It's hurtful... On top of it all, though he tries to hide it (not well) he talks to girls online while he is cuddling me... Saying he needs a slut/slave/et cetera... I mean... I feel bad for looking, but he was doing it right there, beside me... But... This is what I want! I'm sure there is more going on than I have figured out so far... He doesn't want me to leave, and has told me that... But I want to 'inspire' him to be my Sir/Daddy/Master/Dom...

I was considering after I do my chores around here, I dress up nice in my plaid skirt, put everything out on the bed and leave a note saying that I'm waiting for him in his room for him as he wants me... I feel like it might inspire him to be his Dominant master self, as well as open up things for discussion... And I would also just enjoy it...

Perhaps that isn't the best plan, but it's what i've come up with so far. Talking only seems to get me so far.

I was thinking a note may be good as well. I'm just not sure where to start with it or what to say. He knows what I want, and he knows I need to be inspired...

I would just like some advice if anybody has any... I've never been in a situation like this, and I do truly love him with all my heart... Please... Just some advice, anything. I am feeling neglected and don't know what to do...

Post #: 1

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 9:46:30 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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Argh... it's a tough place. The transition from LDR (where you can take a break from the dynamic, and pick it up when you want etc) to a real-life live-in situation can be really difficult.

The only advice I can give you is to keep talking, explain how important the D/s dynamic is for you.

Part of me does want to say - "Dude's a jackass.... how the fuck can he let you relocate then not actually keep his side of the bargain", but it may be more complicated than that - Is there something that's genuinely stopping him, preoccupying him?

And... it may eventually boil down to you having to decide whether you can settle, or whether he can give you what you want, or whether the two of you can meed somewhere in the middle. Or not.

But really - you should be having this conversation with him.

I really hope it works out for you.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 2

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 9:54:00 AM

shaym35

Posts: 5
Status: offline

Thank you very much for replying. It's kind of nice just to know I'm being heard.

He helped me out so much over the past few months, and I truly want to be with him. He is very open to talking but it is becoming hard to do. I feel like I'm just repeating myself. This is partially why I feel like writing him a note.

I have noticed I have been acting out a lot lately, being quite childish... It gets his attention, but negative actions only end up in negative consequences... Perhaps I should mention that...

I do have an easier time writing. I am fairly articulate in all aspects but when I write it gives me time to stop and think rather than pausing during a conversation where input can be thrown in and disrupts my thought process...

Also, he is quite busy. He is running a project at his job that may not last much longer, and he just bought a house last month that we are now living in (yes, I am living with him... For now...) and he is trying to start up a business as well... I understand he is very busy but he has been this busy from the start... if he felt he couldn't balance a D/s relationship on top of all this, I really feel like he would have told me. He is an intelligent man, and very aware of himself...

< Message edited by shaym35 -- 6/1/2011 9:56:39 AM >

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 3

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 10:07:04 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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Obviously, I don't have much insight into your dynamic... but here's a thought (which may or may not work for you).

Take a moment to consider all of the stresses he might have in his life, and ask yourself what you can do to help with them... it's often the smallest things (an ironed shirt, a cuppa cawfee).

Moving house and starting a business are both hugely stressful things... it may just be that right now he needs your support - which might just not work for you and your D/s needs, but which certainly doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't a D/s dynamic at play?

And yeah, acting out is a natural response, but as you obviously know, not always a healthy one - It would be a shame if he came to see you as "another thing to worry about"?

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 4

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 10:10:44 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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Well, the reason we date and sometimes live together is to get to know someone and decide if we want a LTR with them. At least, that is why I do it, although I don't want to project my motivations on others. Maybe now that you know him better, you may decide this is not the type of relationship you want. Sad, but it happens. Don't be afraid to let go and find what is going to make you happy. If he is not feeling the dynamic with you, and ESPECIALLY if he is actively seeking other women . . . Well, this just might not be the right situation for you. It sucks since you moved there, but why be miserable?

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 5

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 10:14:58 AM

crazyml

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Joined: 7/3/2007
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Oh bugger I missed that.

If he's perving online then you have to put a stop to that, that's way out of order.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 6

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 10:19:11 AM

shaym35

Posts: 5
Status: offline

I know...

I feel like I should give it one last try, I've found a place of my own for the start of next month, so I would like to try and sort this out in the next few weeks... Though I really do see it ending, I would like to try because I do love him so... I just feel as if he doesn't realize my potential, though why should I lay this all on me? This can not be one person. It is an issue caused by both, in my mind.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 7

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 11:01:41 AM

keechoo

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/12/2009
Status: offline

Could it just be something he likes the idea of? Meaning he likes the idea of having a sub/slave but doesn't know how to be a Dom? Why else would he be looking and telling other girls he wants one when he has one right next to him? Just a thought.

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 8

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 11:06:59 AM

shaym35

Posts: 5
Status: offline

I was thinking that as well, but it's hard to know if he truly did have previous relationships like this or if he just talks as such. I spent time with his friends and it came up that they seem to know of his previous relationships being D/s and he said "She's different. In a good way!" which is just... Odd. Haha

(in reply to keechoo)

Post #: 9

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 11:25:09 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline

Well Shaym, it just sounds more and more like this is not the relationship you want. It doesn't matter what he has done in the past, or what he is doing with other women now, it isn't working for you. And that is all that matters.
I certainly respect that you want to make it work and you love the guy. I should tell you that part of my mindset here has to do with the fact that I am 52 years old. Quite honestly, I am not willing to waste time with someone when I don't see any long term potential. Your mindset may be somewhat different. You can go crazy trying to find the "right" answer in these situations. The fact is, in affairs of the heart, there IS no right answer. You just have to make a choice and live with the benefits and consequences.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 10

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 11:45:37 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I am going to pretty much agree with everything that crazyml stated; both posts. I am also going to add a small part to it.

One thing you might want to consider is perhaps moving to an apartment for a year, close by. That way, the two of you are still seeing each other regularly, and you can take a bit more time to ease into the relationship that you both want.

I would stress though that the 'looking for others online' really should be something that you NEED to discuss with him very soon.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 11

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 3:10:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

And it may well be that although you do love each other, you just aren't compatible in D/s.

Suggest to him that since he isn't capable of dominating you, that you open up the relationship and find a dominant who is.

That may well be enough for him to realize that for you love without dominance is not enough.

However I'm curious as to what you mean by dominance. Because your comments about dressing up and leaving him notes saying you're ready suggests that what you really want is more play. Which is a totally different thing. If so, how about talking to him about that. That you need play twice a week. And perhaps you folks should join your local community where you could ask experienced tops to play with you while he watches and learns how. Where he could take workshops in techniques.

And in the meantime, can you ask him for a short session and he gives it to you as soon as possible. Because a 15 minute spanking can be done while dinner is simmering.

You don't mention his age or if sex is okay between you. Because stress can cause performance difficulties in men and if this is the case, then he needs to stop making excuses and talk to his doctor. ED has many different causes.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 6/1/2011 3:12:06 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 12

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 3:38:35 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, you are too young to be dealing with this. You moved to be with a guy who promised one thing and is not delivering.

I do understand TOTALLY how life can stress you out and that something to consider. However, if he were just stressed and that was it, I would say keep trying.

But the fact that he is openly talking to other women makes me think this guy is a complete ass who found a young woman to move out to him and then does not provide the D/s situation she is seeking.

I call bullshit on the chatting with other women deal; tell him you are moving out (if you can) and you will still date him, if you want to, but tell him you are going to date others since apparently, he feels that he needs to still "look" even though you are right there besides him.

Don't accept less than a fulfilling relationship at such a young age, at ANY age.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 4:01:10 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

I'm really curious. You met him on here "late" last year and moved in with him 2 months ago, right? So essentially you moved in together in less than 6 months. If you "met" him here, everything was initiated on line, so how much time did you actually spend together before making this move?

Even with the assumption that he is around your age, that is pretty quick to pick up your life and move in with someone. It takes a lot of time to get to know someone and even then, when you move in together, you find there is still much each doesn't know about the other.

Sadly, I agree with the others that this is probably not going to work in the long run, and I know it is hollow consolation to say you are very young and you will move on.

The talking with the other women online? Total bullshit.

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 14

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 4:09:39 PM

sunshinemiss

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Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

You are actually in his arms touching him, rubbing up against him, caressing him... and he is focusing on / talking to / flirting with another woman.

Those instincts that you have? Listen to them.

good luck,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 15

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 4:34:00 PM

shaym35

Posts: 5
Status: offline

Thanks everybody. As I sit here typing this he is talking to others. I asked him if we could talk later, so we will. I have made plans to remove myself from his household in the next 3 weeks, and am just waiting to tell him... It's odd, I really knew from the start what I should do, but still was trying to figure out a way to get some positive attention from him...

Again, thank you all for listening.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 16

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 7:47:03 PM

PdxJ

Posts: 195
Status: offline

I have to agree - he is about the fantasy and has no idea what to do or how to be a dom once he has a sub.
It's not your responsibility to teach or coax him in to being what you need. Consider it a lesson learned and move on.
He needs to spend the time doing the research and learning prior to searching for and/ or bringing one into his home or he will do this repeatedly.

_____________________________

Imagine what you could learn if you could learn to imagine.

the 'Official Sunny Stalker'

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Post #: 17

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/1/2011 11:09:53 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

This whole thing just sucks... I truly hate learning of things like this. And contrary to what some may think, 6 months -- if spent correctly -- is plenty of time. Heck, I've seen relationships that turned to marriage in as little as 2 months. Not common, to be sure... it just depends on the people involved.

I don't know what went wrong with you two... maybe you didn't spend enough time together before hand, maybe he changed from the guy you met to the guy you moved in with, maybe he's more into the fantasy aspect of it all, maybe... maybe... maybe... the list can go on forever. In truth, I don't generally subscribe to throwing the towel in so quickly, but CLEARLY there's something VERY WRONG here. I suspect you made the right decsion to leave.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 18

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/2/2011 1:01:40 AM

OwnedFemaleFlesh

Posts: 182
Joined: 4/9/2011
Status: offline

I have made this mistake before, of meeting and moving in with a man too quickly. It's too much, too soon. And then you end up too invested in a relationship that isn't actually right for you, and doesn't work, but it's too painful to admit that so you hang on anyway and try to 'fix' it.

Another thing you need to be wary of is that men you meet online can sometimes have a bit of an online addiction to women. Even though they've met you and got you, they just can't seem to get out of the habit. I had one boyfriend who I eventually found out was messaging approx 20 women a day, saying he was single, chatting them up, swapping phone numbers, etc. When I looked back, I could see all the little signs were there from the start, I just chose to play them in a good light. Like when he talked to another woman online for an hour or two, and smugly joked 'hey, if someone wants to flirt with me, I'm not going to stop them.'

I'm really glad to hear you've made arrangements to leave his house in the next 3 weeks. I completely echo what others have said about listening to your instinct. Something here is not right, this is not how a man in the first flushes of love should act. Value yourself and what you have to offer, look for someone who is better than this.

owned xxx

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 19

RE: Lacking the D/s aspect with him... Help? - 6/2/2011 3:17:15 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Late last year? So is that December? Now its June 1 ... and you've been there for two months... any possibility you got into a relationship, changed your whole life in fact, for a fantasy that you really had no clue about?

maybe he's not the right guy.. and maybe he can only maintain it online...

might want to start over...

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to shaym35)

Post #: 20

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