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RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 5:58:27 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather
It may be our responsibility to lift ourselves up, we can use the actions and opinions of others as tools to do that.

And not everyone agrees with the assertion that it is our own responsibility to "lift ourselves up". Carol and I do not see it that way at all. We don't want that sort of independence. As long as we are married we won't. It is MY job to lift Carol up. She gets to worry about me. It's part of how we see teamwork.

quote:

Also the fact that its been all Hanners teaching me how to do that lifting up, so my improved self esteem cannot be considered outside of my current relationship, its so utterly entwined that they are inseparable

You are entwined with your life -- a large part of which is your primary relationship. Such things can never be separated. And, I'd like to point out that all of her teaching would've been utterly useless if you weren't able to actually put it into practice.

By the way, I second the thought that you have both wisdom and poise beyond your years. You stand as living testament to yourself, your partner, and your relationship. It's a very nice testament.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 6:09:40 PM   
lovelyesme


Posts: 31
Joined: 1/26/2011
Status: offline 		There have been so many great replies. I try to listen to the 'tape' playing in my head. If it's an old one, a negative one,no  longer useful- i replace it. Surround yourself with positive people-not spineless idiots who tell you what you want to hear-but positive ones.  There are no real mistakes-if you learn.  And a shout out to good therapists....who can teach what you missed at home and elsewhere!
esme

(in reply to peachgirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 6:17:32 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peachgirl

I'm loving everything that I am reading. The reason I asked to exclude (if possible) a current relationship, is because even though I think it is wonderful that a person is in a relationship, ultimately it is our own responsibility to lift ourselves up, if that makes sense.



I think I'm going to disagree with that. You make it sound as though you have to lift yourself by your own bootstraps, which is impossible. Doing it all yourself means you don't get the help of a different viewpoint. And sometimes that's what's most needed. To see yourself through someone else's eyes.

Because it's real easy to miss that beam in your own eye. Having someone else to believe in you is incredibly life changing when you haven't had that before.

In terms of practical things, you build your self esteem by learning something new. Take a martial art, learn to fix your own car, do your own house repairs, etc. Anything you've always wanted to do and haven't dared. Find a good teacher and learn it. By accomplishing something you will have tangible proof that you are capable of more than you thought. You'll have that green belt on the wall to look at. Or the oil change you did yourself. Or the no longer leaky faucet. And so on.

And you act like you believe in yourself. Fake it till you make it.

But just like it's much easier to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship when there is someone there for you, it's easier to believe in yourself when someone else does.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to peachgirl)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 6:20:56 PM   
uncertainlyizzy


Posts: 42
Joined: 4/11/2011
Status: offline 		Eliminating negative influences in your life is very important to my way of thinking. That and if you can't get rid of them entirely then realizing that their opinion can be flawed. If 10 people think you're amazing then you need to realize that the 1 person who says you're worthless might be the one having the problem not you. This is something I struggle with quite a bit. There are people (family) in my life that I cannot break all ties with at this time. So, I have to learn to live with the fact that the way they see me is negative but it's also just one persons way of seeing me. If in the beginning all you can tell yourself is "well soandso thinks I'm pretty" that's ok. The more you say that the closer you'll get to being able to say "well *I* think I'm pretty" and then the closer to being able to say "Damn I'm one hot bitch!!!". That little bit is stolen from a very wise slave-friend who has beaten it into my head once or twice so I can't claim it despite supporting it 100%. For right now I need to see myself through my friends and loved ones eyes to feel ok. But the more I look through their eyes the more my eyes change to see the same things. Those are the tools I'm using at the moment.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 7:01:59 PM   
SlaveOwner9


Posts: 50
Joined: 4/27/2010
Status: offline 		Don't build up your self esteem with lies and nonsense from people who aren't being genuine. That includes your friends, mom, close relatives and others who just want to build your self esteem up so they lie or exaggerate anything you do well. Learn to cope with shit people call you. The only way to build REAL self esteem is to just ignore what others tell you and learn to train yourself to identify your faults and work on them as an individual. But then again, many people cannot do this, such is the nature of our pitiful society.

Also, can someone point me to the "Fake profiles list" and a discussion and possibly answers as to why these people are wasting their time to make these fake profiles which are so clearly fake and even confirmed by the account owner.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 8:13:18 PM   
peachgirl


Posts: 396
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: peachgirl

I'm loving everything that I am reading. The reason I asked to exclude (if possible) a current relationship, is because even though I think it is wonderful that a person is in a relationship, ultimately it is our own responsibility to lift ourselves up, if that makes sense.



I think I'm going to disagree with that. You make it sound as though you have to lift yourself by your own bootstraps, which is impossible. Doing it all yourself means you don't get the help of a different viewpoint. And sometimes that's what's most needed. To see yourself through someone else's eyes.



I think it it's infinitely easier to help build self-esteem when you are in a healthy relationship. You have your own personal cheering section and that is invaluable. But I respectfully disagree that it is impossible to do it on your own. That sounds a little too much like, "Without a man/woman/whatever I am nothing" type of thinking. I feel that you you have to have the ability to do it on your own to be able to remain a healthy individual.


_____________________________

Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
- Bob Welch

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 8:16:54 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peachgirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: peachgirl

I'm loving everything that I am reading. The reason I asked to exclude (if possible) a current relationship, is because even though I think it is wonderful that a person is in a relationship, ultimately it is our own responsibility to lift ourselves up, if that makes sense.



I think I'm going to disagree with that. You make it sound as though you have to lift yourself by your own bootstraps, which is impossible. Doing it all yourself means you don't get the help of a different viewpoint. And sometimes that's what's most needed. To see yourself through someone else's eyes.



I think it it's infinitely easier to help build self-esteem when you are in a healthy relationship. You have your own personal cheering section and that is invaluable. But I respectfully disagree that it is impossible to do it on your own. That sounds a little too much like, "Without a man/woman/whatever I am nothing" type of thinking. I feel that you you have to have the ability to do it on your own to be able to remain a healthy individual.



I'm finding this discussion interesting.  In my own situation, I was neither alone, nor in a relationship when the real growth blossomed.  I couldn't have done all of that by myself.  I had help - my family and three extremely close friends were with me the entire way.  It doesn't have to be an intimate relationship that helps you put yourself together.  But there's no way I could have done it alone.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to peachgirl)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 8:29:47 PM   
peachgirl


Posts: 396
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I'm finding this discussion interesting.  In my own situation, I was neither alone, nor in a relationship when the real growth blossomed.  I couldn't have done all of that by myself.  I had help - my family and three extremely close friends were with me the entire way.  It doesn't have to be an intimate relationship that helps you put yourself together.  But there's no way I could have done it alone.



Good point. I equate being alone with not being in a relationship. I look back at the times when I was not in a relationship, but I did have close friends to support me. Family was not part of the equation at all. So, yes, definitely, I did have a support system in them.


_____________________________

Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
- Bob Welch

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 8:34:19 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I understand what you're saying though, and I agree with it - that a person can pull him/herself back up without being in a relationship.  I just get kinda literal sometimes and that "alone" word hit me because in one of my epiphanies along the way, I realized how grateful I was to have the people around me who were around me.  It made me realize at the time how *not* alone I really was. 


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to peachgirl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 8:38:08 PM   
peachgirl


Posts: 396
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I understand what you're saying though, and I agree with it - that a person can pull him/herself back up without being in a relationship.  I just get kinda literal sometimes and that "alone" word hit me because in one of my epiphanies along the way, I realized how grateful I was to have the people around me who were around me.  It made me realize at the time how *not* alone I really was. 



Consider your epiphany paid forward, I had a similar "a-ha" a moment ago, when I read your post

_____________________________

Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
- Bob Welch

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 9:00:35 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peachgirl

Consider your epiphany paid forward, I had a similar "a-ha" a moment ago, when I read your post


Totally cool!  Thanks for sharing!


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to peachgirl)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 9:37:01 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Just short post and would recommend that people that are interested on building and strengthening self-esteem read the book.."The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. Warning it is some pretty heavy reading.... but I will give six strategies that I took out of the book that built and strengthen self-esteem for my girls and for myself

practice Mindfulness.

practice Self-Acceptance.

practice Self-Responsibility

practice Self-Assertiveness

practice Living with Purpose

practice Personal Integrity


I can go in great depth of each... but... well... read the book and you will get better value for your time than reading what I would have to say.


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to peachgirl)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 10:06:46 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Knights of Mists.... I was doing really well keeping this thread at an "intellectual" level until I read your post. In fact, when I saw you had posted I thought to myself.... hmmm perhaps I should not read what he posted.  As always I appreciate the authenticity with which you post.

Sadly, today I feel as if I have nothing to contribute to this thread. I'm sure others in my life would have a different opinion. But, with the divorce pending, the realizations happening every day....and me feeling like the worlds stupidest whore for putting up with all the dumb shit that I've put up with... I just appreciate you all posting your thoughts and opinions on this matter.

Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/3/2011 3:42:40 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Knights of Mists.... I was doing really well keeping this thread at an "intellectual" level until I read your post. In fact, when I saw you had posted I thought to myself.... hmmm perhaps I should not read what he posted.  As always I appreciate the authenticity with which you post.

Sadly, today I feel as if I have nothing to contribute to this thread. I'm sure others in my life would have a different opinion. But, with the divorce pending, the realizations happening every day....and me feeling like the worlds stupidest whore for putting up with all the dumb shit that I've put up with... I just appreciate you all posting your thoughts and opinions on this matter.

Kali




Kali.... It seems you that you been holding this thread at an intellectual because it is such an emotional issue... and when the damn breaks well... a mess of sorts uh? Yes... I would agree that others would have a different opinion but sometimes when the load one is carrying feels it's heavest it's difficult to affirm oneself. I been there with you in disgust at oneself for the choices and decison one has made in the past. It was when I realized that it is the past and my value of self is not measure of what of what I have done but of what I am doing now! Just keep making the best possible decision NOW for you and I promise you that it will get better!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/3/2011 4:04:29 AM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		Myself, I am aware I lack personal self esteem, confidence I call it, but recently I have made a positive move to increase my self esteem in a social situation, the only problem with that was it appears I have lost a very close and long standing friend. The problem is not mine, the problem was created by he, for knowing in the past, he can abuse my confidence, but I changed and now he has found he has lost my friendship. How do I feel about it, well confident, not that I do not feel for him and what we once had, but to do what I have always done, accepted responsibility for issues that were not my own to further peace, I can no longer do, as each time it eats into me and enough has become enough.

The friend, ex friend should know how he can resolve some of the situation and that is by a mere apology, but he cannot bring himself to do that, he knows he was wrong, I know that from others who have conversed with him since, but so far he is too spineless to pick up the phone,( he also has a girlfriend who hates my guts for being so close to him as if we were brothers, I do suspect she is something to do with it, frigid little witch)

So after years of my self esteem being battered down, I have just changed, why, how, I don't know, perhaps my feelings have had enough, but it came from within after years of trying to find out how I can do it from external influences.


_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/3/2011 4:33:34 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peachgirl

I think it it's infinitely easier to help build self-esteem when you are in a healthy relationship. You have your own personal cheering section and that is invaluable. But I respectfully disagree that it is impossible to do it on your own. That sounds a little too much like, "Without a man/woman/whatever I am nothing" type of thinking. I feel that you you have to have the ability to do it on your own to be able to remain a healthy individual.



By no means did I wish to imply that we are not of value when single. However the truth is that we are healthiest when we have a strong support system. Which can be a lover, or  friends, or family - and best, all three. And a good therapist also qualifies as that strong support system.

There's a strong belief in the U.S. that if we can't do it all alone, we are worthless. The John Wayne Old West stuff. Gunfighter rides into town, cleans it up and rides out again. Hell, we even do studies on what allows one kid from a terrible family background to rise above it and be the one in 1,000 or 10,000 who succeeds as opposed to spending money to strengthen the family and provide needed services. We know that 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted, but only one state to my knowledge offers help in dealing with that to allow mothers to then be able to move on.

And that's not helpful. We are hard wired to live optimally in groups of up to 150. That's the maximum number of names and faces most people can remember. We are designed to live in groups, to get support from each other. Look at cancer survivor rates, much higher when in a support system than when not.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to peachgirl)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/3/2011 4:37:03 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		One of the most destructive points in my life was while in a relationship that most people would believe was the most supportive. One of the most self esteem building times in my life was while in a relationship, that almost anyone else would have thought to be the most destructive. Go figure.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/3/2011 6:15:57 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		Well yeah, a Dom would enjoy a challenge, surviving an abusive relationship definitely made me stronger, I seriously doubt there's anything anybody can throw at me now that's gonna catch me off guard.

I think it might be a little different if you have a less aggressive personality: I think you can still go for "the win" if you're on the s side, just a slightly different definition of "winning", i.e., you want what you want, but either way, definitely give yourself points for surviving.

The fuckin' games people play, eh?

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/3/2011 7:26:29 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
and me feeling like the worlds stupidest whore for putting up with all the dumb shit that I've put up with...

Kali. I've been divorced twice. Clearly, since I divorced, the relationships didn't work out well. In the first case, that's a colossal, massive, incredible understatement. Was I also "the worlds stupidest whore" or did I just make some decisions that were unwise in the first marriage pretty-good-but-didn't-work-out in the second marriage?

We can ALWAYS second guess ourselves. There was ALWAYS a better way to do things... a smarter choice... the "obvious play". Honestly, about the only way I really think people might qualify as "the world's stupidest whore" is by failing to learn from hindsight because they're too busy clubbing themselves over the head with it.

- We all make mistakes
- For all of us, sometimes those mistakes are colossal
- Not all choices that didn't pan out are a mistake

and maybe most importantly, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So don't kill yourself with remorse. Learn and grow and move on -- just like all the rest of us "stupid whores" have to do :)



_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/3/2011 9:02:18 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

Well yeah, a Dom would enjoy a challenge, surviving an abusive relationship definitely made me stronger, I seriously doubt there's anything anybody can throw at me now that's gonna catch me off guard.

I think it might be a little different if you have a less aggressive personality: I think you can still go for "the win" if you're on the s side, just a slightly different definition of "winning", i.e., you want what you want, but either way, definitely give yourself points for surviving.

The fuckin' games people play, eh?



Ah.........but I didn't say a word about abuse now did I...?

Suffice to say, I didn't 'get' anything I didn't sign up for. Therefor I wouldn't say I was abused by anyone but myself and what my naivete, then lazy stubbornness, and lying to myself, got me into and kept me in for longer than I should have been.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to xssve)
Profile   Post #: 40
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