RE: Building Self Esteem

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peachgirl -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 9:34:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Sadly, today I feel as if I have nothing to contribute to this thread. I'm sure others in my life would have a different opinion. But, with the divorce pending, the realizations happening every day....and me feeling like the worlds stupidest whore for putting up with all the dumb shit that I've put up with... I just appreciate you all posting your thoughts and opinions on this matter. Kali Kali, this brought tears to my eyes. Please, if you do anything today, just cut yourself a break. Try not to let those negative thoughts occupy the front of your mind, focus on the good in yourself, even if it means something silly and superficial. I'm praying you have a better today and tomorrow. peach

xssve -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 9:38:16 AM)
No, you didn't, you merely characterized it as "appearing" destructive. I was in an abusive relationship, and it was very destructive, I merely wished to address the "challenge" aspect of such relationships: some people relish a good fight, others will often go to great lengths to avoid conflict, and that can be damaging if you're stuffing a lot of stuff. I had to stuff like fucking crazy, since she had no compunction about dragging the kids into it, and their welfare was a higher priority for me than getting over on her.

LaTigresse -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 11:31:58 AM)
I firmly believe that there are many aspects of relationships, of all sorts, that can be destructive. Often times, I think it is just personalities that should not be together.....or that need to learn something from the other and then move on. For a long time I had a tendency to draw people into my life that totally pushed my buttons in bad ways. It didn't necessarily make them bad people, or abusive people, just bad for me in the way I perceived their behaviour and attitudes towards me. It is my personal belief that they actually served a purpose rather than hurt me. Not because I am a dominant person or any other type of person, but because there was stuff I needed to deal with to grow. Now I try to be much more aware of who and what pushes my buttons and why. Rather than blame them, I try to figure out what I need to deal with to make them powerless in that button pushing.

heartcream -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 12:36:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Sadly, today I feel as if I have nothing to contribute to this thread. I'm sure others in my life would have a different opinion. But, with the divorce pending, the realizations happening every day....and me feeling like the worlds stupidest whore for putting up with all the dumb shit that I've put up with... I just appreciate you all posting your thoughts and opinions on this matter. Kali It is good and healthy to stay in these feelings and to vibrate them as sounds. Dont worry too much about the words. We think the solution is to push out "negative" thoughts and feelings but that wont help either. In the privacy of your own safe space, let it rip, get down and dirty with your feelings and when you come out of that you will understand more and feel better. It is not wise to always be lifting ourselves out of discomfort and horrible feelings. If you are in public that is the good time to try and keep it together. In the company of those you love and trust you are more free to be yourself. I think it is cool you are sharing where you are at and I hope you move through this and come out in a better place for yourself. Cut yourself some slack and expect pretty blessings to help you along the way.

Icarys -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 2:53:54 PM)
We are solely responsible for how we are affected by life. People can keep tabs on you and take it upon themselves to look after you but it's you who chooses what to think about a given situation and to feel about it as well. Nobody, can be responsible for you in that case, no matter how you wish they were.

sexyred1 -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 3:11:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl I'm loving everything that I am reading. The reason I asked to exclude (if possible) a current relationship, is because even though I think it is wonderful that a person is in a relationship, ultimately it is our own responsibility to lift ourselves up, if that makes sense. You are absolutely correct. Because if you don't do it, who will? No matter how great of a relationship you are in, relationships come and go, and you stay. For me, I was lucky to have a very loving and supportive family and still do. So I was always told how great I was and that was supported by my successes in school achievements and then into the work world. I am in sales, which you need confidence for. I am not saying I am not sensitive, but I realized a long time ago that not everyone who does not buy from me doesn't like Me, but perhaps I have not articulated the value proposition clearly enough to persuade the person that he/she needs what I sell. I am not a fan of therapy; I know it works for many. I have never found a therapist worthy. I am extremely self aware and therapists always seemed upset that I knew what my issues were instead of needing them to get me to figure it out. I, like everyone else, have faults and have major successes and major failures and I also had my share of bad luck. Everyone can be confident when things are going well; the trick is to be confident when they are going bad. I am out of work right now. I know others who just sit home and wring their hands. Not me. I have tons of interviews and I go in with the attitude that I am the smartest, most capable person they could hire and if they don't get that, it is their loss. I know my value as a person and a woman and I will never let anyone take that away from me so my confidence is as intact now as it was back in the day. I have proven able to weather every storm that came my way and will continue to do so. Do I have bad days where I just want to scream or cry? Of course. Do I have days where I am frustrated and sad? Of course. But I keep going because success in everything is predicated on the effort you make to produce the results. I also am still learning to forgive myself for my mistakes, and I think that is key. Self loathing? Pffft. Does not exist here. And no one should feel that way. If you need to improve something you don't like about yourself, no one can do it but you. I always say if you don't think you are the BOMB, no one else will.

jbcurious -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 4:14:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl I'm loving everything that I am reading. The reason I asked to exclude (if possible) a current relationship, is because even though I think it is wonderful that a person is in a relationship, ultimately it is our own responsibility to lift ourselves up, if that makes sense. I think I'm going to disagree with that. You make it sound as though you have to lift yourself by your own bootstraps, which is impossible. Doing it all yourself means you don't get the help of a different viewpoint. And sometimes that's what's most needed. To see yourself through someone else's eyes. I think it it's infinitely easier to help build self-esteem when you are in a healthy relationship. You have your own personal cheering section and that is invaluable. But I respectfully disagree that it is impossible to do it on your own. That sounds a little too much like, "Without a man/woman/whatever I am nothing" type of thinking. I feel that you you have to have the ability to do it on your own to be able to remain a healthy individual. I used to be quite active on the boards but have been more of an occasional lurker these past few months... but I really felt I needed to respond to this. There is a big difference between needing someone to validate you as a person and needing support and positive reinforcement from those around you. We are social creatures and need interaction with others... it's up to us to make sure those interactions are healthy and to remove ourselves from situations that are harmful to us but we don't have to travel our roads alone. For so many years I only felt validated as a person when I was on the giving end of things... I had a lovely penthouse apartment in San Francisco and loved having dinner parties, I owned a successful live music bar and had a wonderful time making sure everyone was enjoying themselves... but on the other side I had a really difficult time... going to a party that I didn't host... being on the other side of the bar... I never felt that just being there was enough, that my company was valuable enough. Then I walked away from that life and started backpacking... I had nothing other then myself to offer and received the biggest shock... people liked me, not because I was giving them anything or doing anything for them, they just liked me. I would never have known the value of just being myself if it weren't for other people and their response to me, I never would have figured it out on my own. If you have some serious issues in your past that you need to deal with, talk to a counselor or therapist, surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. There are a lot more relationships available to you then a boyfriend or partner.

HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 4:53:42 PM)
quote: We are solely responsible for how we are affected by life. People can keep tabs on you and take it upon themselves to look after you but it's you who chooses what to think about a given situation and to feel about it as well. Nobody, can be responsible for you in that case, no matter how you wish they were. [:D]Throw in a few "fuckings" and a "shit" or two and this sounds like something Hanners would say. Therefore I think its very wise and agree. [:D] <Actually I really do agree with it on its own merits, the fact that Hanners thinks the same thing only makes it all that more compelling an idea>

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 5:34:56 PM)
I find it helpful to keep a balanced view of what it means to be human. To embrace both the strengths and weakness in myself and others. This does not however mean that I have to be accepting of things. Acceptance of things does not imply one has to tolerate it. I don't think anybody has a 100% positive view of themselves or thier life, save perphaps an extremely naracisstic person. There's this whole business of Self Concept, which connects hand and hand with self esteem. Everybody has some sense of self concept, in fact it gives one the sense of purpose or reason in life. Many self esteem issues are because of not having a realistic sense of self concept established, or the fact that thier sense of self concept is not being actualized. If a relationship is not filling or meeting your sense of self concept, it becomes rather difficult. It rather difficult at times, dealing with security issues vs. self esteem issues. If one's self esteem is low, it can mess with their sense of security. however, there are people with extremely low self esteem that feel secure in a relationship. Life is full of parodoxs and contradictions. Makes things rather interesting if you ask me. I have found a certain strength in taking ownership and acceptance of my thoughts and feelings. If I don't like something, why pretend otherwise? I can pretend to that my own thoughts and feelings don't exist. I was having an in depth conversation with an EX of mine last night. Dealt with the topic of having resentment towards people which have wronged you. Clearly it's something to accept. To accept that you've been wrong, to accept that it's reality, to accept that this is something that can not be changed or undone. There are no magic time machines, engaging in fantasy thoughts of what if things had been different is anything but finding acceptence. Also, when you accept the fact you've been hurt or dissapointed you are able to let go of desires for revenge. Seeking revenge upon somebody is again, anything but acceptance in the matter. Acceptence allows you to close the door on toxic relationships, allows you the freedom to express your own true emotions and thoughts. It gives you the freedom with within to feel good about yourself as a human being. In a sense, where it's okay to become the "Bad Person" in another human beings eyes. You don't have to please the whole damn world and everybody else in it. In fact, it's humanly impossible if you try, because you will always fail. These failures can be damning to ones sense of self or esteem. Notice, I said "Can be". It's very dangerous to have your esteem in the actions of another person, because they will also fail you without question at some point in time. It's a bit like clock work, because people are human and are not perfect. It's truly awful in my case, to have a submissive that feels like they have somehow failed if they don't see an extremely pleased look upon my face all the time. While I tend to be a Good nature and happy person. I too have a wide range of working emotions. Just because Master is having a bad day with work or a difficult time with something else, does not mean they are failing me. Sure, they can try everything in their power to get me to laugh or perhaps go out of their way to not cause me any more distress. However, it's up to me to process my own emotions. I hope that what I'm expressing makes some sense. It's a little difficult also, because I love to engage in humilation or even make jokes in a manner that make fun or belittle one in a fun manner. Not because I sincerely look at them in this light though. I do stress how much they truly mean to me, and how much I love and appreciate them. This balances things out, or rather should balance things out in realistic perspective. However, I have found with some people with a low sense of self concept or esteem, that this humor or engaging in humilation... is a bit like Daggers to their soul. Whenever these situation arise, you betcha your ass... I stop what I'm doing and I'm wanting to find out more why they feel like SHIT about themselves and their life, for my words to carry such a deep impact. To get to the bottom of things. I hate to say this, but some of the people I know with Amazing sense of self esteem deal rather well with Humilation, both recieving it and dishing it out. If you ever want to find out how well somebody's true sense of self esteem is, play with them a little or joke around with them in the context of verbal humilation. You'll find out in 2.5 seconds flat, just how well or not so well their sense of self really is. I hope this long winded posting contributes something of value to this thread.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 5:50:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Sadly, today I feel as if I have nothing to contribute to this thread. I'm sure others in my life would have a different opinion. But, with the divorce pending, the realizations happening every day....and me feeling like the worlds stupidest whore for putting up with all the dumb shit that I've put up with... Kali Everybody has something of value to contribute, regardless of how screwed up things are or have been. Even ones experiences in how screwed up ones sense of self esteem can be or get. Mind you, this is coming from a guy that felt like worlds stupidest Dominant for putting up with shit. Us Dominants are the ones which are supposed to be skilled and in control of shit. The bottom line is that we are not responsbile for other people's fucked up behaviors and actions. You are only responsible for yourself and your own actions. Also accpet that you yourself along with everybody else in this screwed up world has short comings. If you accept these things in yourself, you'll find acceptence of the fact that you are a human being. If you self concept is based upon not being a human being, you'll find yourself rather screwed. :-) Best of wishes and luck to you girl. Remember that "this too shall pass". -Chaz

orchid77 -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 6:34:38 PM)
Self-esteem comes from within. No one can give it to you. You have to work at it. The best place to start is being true to yourself. Stay in your own head and stop putting negative self-talk there- that may come from what you THINK other believe about you but really may not be true. And if it is true...then we are back to being true to yourself. Admit it and work on it.

tj444 -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 8:11:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl We talk a lot about how we have to be well-rounded and secure in ourselves in order to have a successful relationship, BDSM or otherwise. There are a lot of us out there who have either come from childhood or relationships that have damaged our self-esteem or made ourselves doubt our own sanity and abilities. My question is, what is your most valuable tool in your emotional strongbox that helps you build self-esteem? I'm curious to answers beyond, "My current relationship". (Not sure if this is posted in the right place but I suppose I will find out if it's not.) I grew up on a farm near a very small town and there were always false rumors flying around, no way to defend yourself against that and the small town minds that believe that shite so I came to learn not to care what anyone thinks of me. I believe in myself, I know I have a lot to offer, either as a friend or in a relationship so I know my own worth. I was raised to think on my own and not do everything others told me to do. My mother used to say- if your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? Growing up on a farm, you learn to be self-sufficient. I also left and moved to the big, bad city right after I turned 17 (had to talk my parents into letting me go), never even knew how to catch a bus or any of the basics. I was finishing my last semester of high school there which was easy since I did most of my classes before i left so all I had was 2 classes and I got a part-time job quickly at a store. So, you have to have guts to do that. When I was 21 I bought my first house with my first boyfriend. It was my idea, originally I was going to buy a condo on my own. I think how you are raised makes a world of difference to a persons self esteem, you can be built up or you can be broken.

NuevaVida -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 8:22:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys We are solely responsible for how we are affected by life. People can keep tabs on you and take it upon themselves to look after you but it's you who chooses what to think about a given situation and to feel about it as well. Nobody, can be responsible for you in that case, no matter how you wish they were. It took me a very long time to realize this (the bolded part) but once I did...wow. Yeah, serious truth there. Kali: I completely understand how you're feeling now. During my divorce, I began to see things more clearly, and I couldn't believe what I had allowed to occur, and what I accepted as ok. I was not only seriously ashamed, but embarrassed. I didn't want to talk about my (ex) husband at all because of it. People would ask, "Why were you with that guy?" and in my mind, I'd translate it to "Why are you so stupid?" Funny how we do that. Of course, it took me a really long time to really figure things out - my enslavement to my ex owner wasn't any healthier. The thing is, distance gives us such a clearer vision, and I hadn't had that. Once that relationship ended and I was single for more than a minute (exaggeration but hey), I could really start seeing with more clarity. That takes time, and time is our friend here. I came to understand why certain things which I now find atrocious were ok with me before, and because of that, self-forgiveness came. With that understanding and forgiveness, I was able to understand who I am now, and what I'd accept for myself and what I wouldn't. I understand thinking you're a "stupid whore" right now. Trust me, that will pass. And the awareness you will gain in the days/months/years to come will be phenomenal. The Phoenix really does rise from the ashes, and in the end, is grateful for those ashes for bringing you to the place you will some day find yourself. Because when you come from the depths of hell, well just imagine all the things you see and discover on the way up. That stuff stays with you, as amazing lessons. Your future is hopeful, and time, your self determination, and a lot of people, are on your side.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 9:07:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl ...what is your most valuable tool in your emotional strongbox that helps you build self-esteem? Success!!! [:)]

heartcream -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 9:49:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys We are solely responsible for how we are affected by life. People can keep tabs on you and take it upon themselves to look after you but it's you who chooses what to think about a given situation and to feel about it as well. Nobody, can be responsible for you in that case, no matter how you wish they were. Actually you can school your mind to think things you want it to think but feelings simply are. They are your personal repsonse to a situation. Feelings tell you, you dont get to tell them. You can however decide what you will do with them. Thinking you control your feelings is quite an unhealthy point of view. It is wise to counsel one's feelings if one is in a situation where to express freely what one feels would not be safe. But to shut them down simply because you can and to almost never allow them free expression is a crap way to live.

DarlingSavage -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/3/2011 10:41:42 PM)
I haven't read all the replies here. However, I grew up in a very abusive household. I grew up to be a very self destructive person. What is in my emotional strongbox? Perseverance, hope, and optimism. I don't know what else could have possibly got me this far. PM me if you want details. I've come a very long way and have been through quite a bit because of my upbringing. I am now working on my MS. That's a long fucking way from where I came from.

LaTigresse -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/4/2011 6:59:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartcream quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys We are solely responsible for how we are affected by life. People can keep tabs on you and take it upon themselves to look after you but it's you who chooses what to think about a given situation and to feel about it as well. Nobody, can be responsible for you in that case, no matter how you wish they were. Actually you can school your mind to think things you want it to think but feelings simply are. They are your personal repsonse to a situation. Feelings tell you, you dont get to tell them. You can however decide what you will do with them. Thinking you control your feelings is quite an unhealthy point of view. It is wise to counsel one's feelings if one is in a situation where to express freely what one feels would not be safe. But to shut them down simply because you can and to almost never allow them free expression is a crap way to live. But darling Heart, don't you think that how you've schooled your mind to think and react does, to a degree, also affect your feelings? I know for a fact that it does me. Many years ago, in a galaxy far far away, I took so many things others said much more personally, when in fact it usually had nothing at all to do with them. Because I took it as a personal slight, I felt........however it made me feel at the time... When I began to look at things differently and realize that they were voicing shit about their own shit, that really had nothing to do with me at all, the result was it also changed how I felt about what they said. So I don't know if the first decision is to change emotions, but in changing outlook and taking responsibility, the benefit is also a change in emotion. You lose your emotional attachment to other people's shit. It has less of an effect on you and your own shit.

heartcream -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/4/2011 11:31:45 AM)
It is good to go from mind to emotion, but it also needs to go from emotion to mind and that is what I feel we hear way too little of.

LaTigresse -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/4/2011 11:36:58 AM)
I think I am following you but just in case, please explain. Even via email if you would rather.

heartcream -> RE: Building Self Esteem (6/4/2011 11:50:27 AM)
What I mean, Lady Tiger is that we often pre-judge our emotions to be unhelpful, wrong, negative, dark etc, when if we would not judge them and allow them to express in the privacy of our own safe space they have much to teach us. We seem to have these ideas of how we are supposed to feel, think and act and we try and adhere to that. This is the problem I have with these sorts of books and so on that promote all that. It is important for me to take responsibility for myself and my actions. I need to go with how I am feeling, no matter how unacceptable these sorts of feelings are judged to be. Usually they are deep imprints that wont be helped by me reasoning with them, talking myself out of them. Staying out of the word level and allowing myself to feel even the most unpleasant shit is a helpful way for me to genuinely come out the other side, instead of needing to be ever vigilant watch dog to hunt down any offending emotions I judge to be needing to be hunted down and killed. Fear is a good one. There used to be this new agey type thing called Course of Miracles that swept the Nations back when and one of their big sayings was something like, "You cant have love and have fear at the same time, you need to choose between love and fear." This is total crap. By bringing fear within love and letting it express safely, it genuinely transforms into a more limbic state of reality. Talking oneself out of it, meditating it away is not going to ultimately do the trick. Same with other emotions like rage, grief. We have these nifty ways to keep them at bay but that is really not the way to heal it.

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