Darrc
Posts: 14
Joined: 6/3/2011
Status: offline
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This is a fairly long story, so I apologize for that up front. Also, it has to do with a long distance relationship, so before any of you knock me or call me an idiot for trying it, trust me, I am starting to discover how stupid I may have been. I just don't like to limit myself to the small area I'm from. I mean, seriously, who else is from Cambridge, Maryland? I'm in the middle of nowhere.
Anyway, 5 months ago I met this girl from Michigan on here. I am from Maryland, so it was only about an 8 hour drive. I've played hockey since I was a teenager and am use to traveling. 8 hours is a little stretch, but not too bad, so I figured I'm good. We talk a lot and I find that she is unlike a lot of girls I have talked to online (I have talked to several).
Recently my job has gone way down hill in this economy. I am in construction and literally everyone I know is going out of business. I'm talking guys 50 and older (I'm 25) who have been doing this since high school are trying to get hourly jobs because no one wants to spend money on roof repairs or a new deck, etc. I tell her I'm not rich. I paint no illusions for her and tell her straight that I am a struggling laborer and writer/composer in my off-time. Writing and music is my passion and I work on them whenever I don't have construction.
She asked to come to me, but I told her that wouldn't work. I live with other people to help with rent. Don't have a lot of privacy. It's terrible as it is with me here by myself. Having another with me at the moment would be a disaster. ALSO, I am very close to my family. I use a lot of my money to help them. They have helped me in the past, and I return the favor. I mean, what is family for, right? I have a 4 year old sister I have helped provide for, and I would feel like a total bastard to desert her. She is precious. I told my girl all of this, and she said it was fine.
Anyway, this doesn't stop her from growing to like me, and "love" me, as she puts it, even though we have never met. We share a lot in common. And I know she isn't a scam, because I have spoken to many of them, and I am not an idiot. I have common sense because my Mom beat it into me growing up. A few likes and common interests we share are things she brought up first, without me saying anything. Plus, she has asked me smaller detailed questions about how I am. For instance, she has a small dog and asked if I would mind if she kept it. I could tell she cared for it because she continually insisted it was trained and wouldn't be a problem for me. I like dogs, so it was no problem at all and I told her that. I've also found scammers to be very agreeable. She and I have already had a couple arguements we've had to talk out, but she's always stuck with me afterward. Even when she's let me know she did not agree with me totally but would abide.
And I have talked to her on the phone several times. Heard her voice. Asked her questions to hear how she's reacted, because I know that anyone can type anything behind a computer. Plus, she had about 80 photos of herself she sent to me. I know some scams have a few photos, but that many? Of her by herself, with friends, etc.
About 3 weeks into us talking, her roommate decides he wants the place to himself and his girlfriend and he kicks her out. The lease and all is in his name, so she apparently has no choice and ends up moving to Minnesota with one of her old friends. And Minnesota is a good bit further away from me. We're talking about an 8 hour drive that just transformed into a 21 hour drive. But, I'm still fine with it because I really like her.
Anyway, she moves to Minnesota, then a couple weeks after she disappeared for a couple days. I kept writing via messenger to ask if she was okay and she finally responded. She was in the hospital for a bad case of the flu. I was worried and kept writing her constantly to ask if she was okay. We were good for about another week, then she disappeared on me for 7 days or so. Her roommate picked up the phone and told me she found my girl unconscious on the floor with a temp of 104 and called an ambulance. I asked her roommate to keep me informed, she said she would but I barely got anything.
For an entire month, I received basically nothing. Her roommate ended up getting ticked at me because I was too "pushy." I wasn't trying to be. I was more worried than I had been in a long time. So, her roommate told me because I was being rude, she wasn't going to tell me anything anymore. I thought that was fairly immature considering someone's life was potentially hanging in the balance, but whatever.
Anyway, after 25 days or so, I finally hear from my girl. But only barely. She is laid up in the hospital unable to get out of bed on her own with a breating tube in. It broke my hear to hear that. For the next week or two, she talks to me sporadically. I do my best to keep everything lax because I am just happy she is back and survived. I had long been at the point where I figured screw the D/s crap, I just wanted to know she was well. I mean, what does D/s stuff mean if my little girl is sick? Her health was all that mattered to me and I told her that numerous times.
So, a couple weeks later, she is getting around on her own, getting back into work, etc. I write and we talk, at first like normal. But about a week after, she starts answering fewer times than she use to. A couple days, I get nothing from her at all. So I get a little pushy and she snaps back at me that typing is getting old and she needs real time. This kind of takes me aback a bit, because she knows my situation with money, but I can understand where she is coming from. I figured maybe she is thinking I am a fake or she doubts my intentions. So I do not come down on her.
Instead, I tell her I understand how she feels and I talk it out with her. I tell her it will be some time before I can come up because work is so hit and miss. She says she is disappointed. Her main arguement at that time was that she felt like she was torn between two lives. Her own, and what I wanted her to be. I had given her a couple rules to follow, which she willingly accepted. I never bent her arm or threatened to leave her if she didn't abide. I was more than flexible for her because it was just over the internet and I didn't want to seem like some fake idiot.
So I tell her, to ease the tension that I will not hound her over my rules. I told her she should concentrate on what she needed to get done in her work, as long as we stayed together, stayed in contact and everything was kept cool. I even offered her the option of letting her have her own "release" whenever she wanted. But she said no. She didn't want that. She wanted my control. She didn't feel right in her life without it.
I felt like I was getting very mixed signals. So, just to be safe, I did not give her any more rules and I ordered nothing from her. I merely wrote her everyday to ask how she was, how work was and if anything was on her mind that she wanted to discuss. A couple weeks went by and I started receiving fewer and shorter replies.
This brings us to about last week. I asked her about it. She said a lot of times she feels like there is no "us." That she isn't in a relationship. This pretty much threw me for a loop. I didn't know what to say. I had been typing and calling non-stop. She barely replied by text and answered my calls even fewer times. Her excuse for that was she doesn't get good reception in her new home. But I've called her a couple times when I know she is out and just getting off work, so she doesn't get in trouble, and still no answer.
She now says she is tired of typing. No more typing. She needs real time. I can respect how she feels. That is why I backed off any rules and orders in the first place. I even told her that. But now that isn't good enough.
So, despite all of this, I have been looking into taking a caretaking job, near her. I have even decided I can leave my obligations, my family, everything I've ever known behind to take a new job and have her. This is a huge committment for me. It is so far away, and I barely have the money to spend for travel in the first place.
Anyway, I don't know if it is the fact that she doesn't believe me, or thinks I'm an internet fake, or what. But she has now told me she can't wait forever. She has told me she "loved" me and even said once, the only reason she could ever be separated from me would be if she took a bullet and died. Now, OBVIOUSLY, that was "new toy" syndrome talking, but still, it hurts to have things said like that, then a few months later have her say she won't wait too much longer.
I told her that "true love" and connection was not something that could have a timer placed on it. I asked her if her "love" had a timer on it. She got defensive and said no. She said that she never placed a limit on her love for me but she could not wait forever. Talk about a contradicting statement. Never did understand that one.
I feel like I have gone from having a potential lifelong mate who understood me, to being on a time limit. I feel rushed.
She even said once that she was tempted to have a vanilla relationship and be unhappy for the rest of her life, because at least then the guy would be there and be able to hold her and be together. I told her that even if she didn't want to wait for me, that making herself unhappy for the rest of her life was purely stupid. She should at least look for another Dom, if she wanted to ditch me. But she said she was "upset and crying" and had to go to bed. So I let it drop. Again. Figured she was having hormone problems or maybe menstruating (not trying to be sexist. I have a Mom and 2 sisters and know what it can do to attitudes). So, I never pressed it.
Anyway, I haven't had voice contact with her for at least two months. Barely had typing response. I know that if a long distance relationship is going to work, CONSTANT communication is key.
I don't even necessarily blame her. I blame me for not being able to see her. I am down on myself because I feel like I have blown it. But circumstances have literally been out of my hands at times. Like, I just lost 3 weeks worth of work on an insurance job I had started because I was undercut by another guy. Times are tough and brutal. I was counting on that money because I was finally going to visit her. Now I have to scrap for something else.
That is why I was willing to leave everything I knew and take a job in a foreign place. Near her, if I could. Or away from her, but as long as the set-up allowed me to bring her too, then it was fine.
But lately, she hasn't been too receptive. I told her I was working my ass off to come see her, and she responded "I'll believe it when I see it." I could understand that response IF I had told her I was going to do something before and crapped out on her, but I never have. I have never gone back on my word with her, so I am very confused as to why she would doubt me.
Also, tonight she said she is going out with friends. I asked her if she would be drinking, and she said a little. Now, that was one of my original rules for her. No drinking alcohol unless I said she could or in the future if she was in my company. Alcohol can be fun, but it dulls senses and responsibility, and I don't like thinking about it. Her out with other guys. I told her I trust her and to be smart. If only for her own sake, be smart. I don't want her hurt. Not that way.
I told her this, and that I didn't like it. But since I have not been able to be there, she has recently told me that she can't "put her life on hold anymore." She acts as though she has been chained to her bed awaiting my every text. Like I said, I have barely received a reply from her lately. I haven't known if she was home, out, at work or wherever. And, as I have said so many times before, I have laid off all rules and orders. Haven't issued one to keep tension down.
I told her she had better write me tonight because we need to talk via phone. She has assured me she isn't cheating. And I did not outright ask that, because I have hinted at that before (when we first met and I didn't know her well) and she got worked up about it. So, I promised her months ago that I would never doubt her honesty in that area again. And I have never brought it up since. But she willingly offered the info up tonight that she wasn't cheating. I guess she thought I was doubting her.
Anyway, like I said, I blame myself largely for this. I am a strong proponent of the Dom carrying the majority of the responsibility in this dynamic. To protect his girl, provide for her, love her. And I haven't been able to visit her. Still, I was honest with her about my money situation, and I guess I expected a little more patience and understanding from her. I've never lied. My assumption is she spoke largely out of turn with her devotion and "submission", and now she feels more comfortable blaming me for the lack of contact than admitting her own rush job of things.
And what really burns me is the fact that I stayed with her the entire month she was unconscious in the hospital. Because this is online, who says I wasn't having doubts that she was just trying to ditch me? But I stayed true to her, and she came back when she got better. I wonder now if I disappeared for a month if she would have showed the same dedication...
I don't know. Just feeling a little down. Not sure why I even wrote this. Just feels good getting it out there, I guess. Just wanted to hear other opinions. Even if you think I'm an ass and am dead wrong, let me know. I can take it. I'm a big boy. Or if you think I'm a complete idiot for trying something long distance, you can say so. It's been said before.
Have a good week end everyone. Best wishes.
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Am I reading this wrong? My fault? - 
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