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RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/6/2011 3:21:28 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Honesty trumps. It's one thing I absolutely demand...and in my house, lying is defined as "Deceiving while communicating, whether via omission or commission"

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RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/6/2011 3:38:24 AM   
PdxJ


Posts: 195
Status: offline 		I am for honesty and the fact I have very little tact - it makes my honesty a bit harsh at times.
I fully admit I may be wrong at times - I expect it and welcome the chance to learn when it is pointed out and shown, factually, that my truth is incorrect.

If I'm dealing with a person that has a history of not listening, or being an ass - I typically just keep my mouth shut. Why waste my time?

As far as honesty within a M/s relationship - I refuse to tolerate lying. I had a  long vanilla relationship that completely killed any tolerance in me in in regards to lying. Dishonesty is one of my 3 deal breakers (dishonesty, infidelity and manipulation) that I will walk away from a relationship over - no questions asked. Dishonesty, infidelity and manipulation are all rooted in disrespect and without respect there is no foundation to have a solid relationship.



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RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/6/2011 3:50:43 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		most of the time i see things from so many different angles i don't really know exactly what's right and wrong, there usually is value on either side of the debate
and digging for 'the truth' is usually a waste of time in my opinion

i don't really believe people who say they never lie

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/6/2011 9:19:29 AM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		fr

i often have to tell people to carefully consider what they want to hear if they ask me something. i don't understand why people ask questions and then get uptight about the answer just because they don't like it. if you just want me to agree with you or tell you what you want to hear you may be disappointed. but you will get the truth. i hate being around people who make me feel like i can't speak my mind, especially when they have no problem speaking their's and expect you to be totally ok with whatever they are saying, even when they are wrong. in that instance i don't know what to do because i know it's my feelings that are likely to get trashed and i'll end up being told i'm in the wrong. julia mentioned treading on eggshells, well that is something i hate doing as well. i'd rather talk things out and move on but with some people you just can't do that. i knew someone at school that would argue the sky was orange just because i said it was blue. she was a friend of one of my friends and i found myself often biting my tongue when around her. in the end i couldn't bare to be near her. so i told my friend that her choice of friend was fine, i just didn't want to be with her when she was about. she drained me with her nonsence.

i give my opinion as i see it and don't see the point in lying about my opinion, what would be the point. what i also don't understand is how other people can tell you you are lying about that, especially like on here where they don't know you. i don't see what would be gained by lying about what i do/don't like, feel or think. i may not be conventional, i maybe totally off on my own but it doesn't mean what i say is bs in any way.

some people will never believe what you say no matter how you say it. they will twist your words or put words in your mouth that you had no intention of, just because they want to be right. i have a great memory for what people say and can usually catch a liar out without trying. once i know people lie to me i find it hard to believe anything they say.

when it comes to being right or wrong. if i'm right you have no chance at all of me backing down. if i'm wrong i'll gladly admit it and apologise if it's needed. but i will never apologise for being right and someone being upset because of it.

needles

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/13/2011 9:27:42 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		without question.. Honesty is of the first order.... However, being honest is not a licence to say it any which way one wants to. I demand from my girls and myself that our communication to each other is both Honest and Thoughtful of the person you are communicating with. Secondly, I do not necessarily believe that one's individual perspective is neccessarily right or wrong on a giving situation. It maybe from their perceptive but an individual perceptive is not truth it's but only a sliver of what exists and changed perceptive and change how a give situation can be perceived. I am of the thought the more perceptives you understand of a situation the higher degree of truth of that given situation you will have.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 6/13/2011 9:56:24 AM >

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RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/13/2011 9:55:10 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i believe in honesty; even if you're incorrect, i believe being honest is always right.
my previous relationship was very much about honesty, and i hope that any future one i may find is the same.
if you don't like something, and you're honest and say it, you open yourself to 1) either correcting the situation, or 2) gaining knowledge that may help you change your opinion. if you just shut up and say nothing, you can do nothing.

i try to be as absolutely honest as i can be with people. i think i have ruffled feathers because of it, but you know, if i think something looks bad, i'll just say it. if i think someone needs to know something, i will tell them. at least people can know that they're getting my honest opinion. they can disregard it if they like.


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"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/13/2011 11:29:37 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		  FR

There's honest and there's honest.  People who say they're brutally honest are self-absorbed wankers who're too obsessed with themselves to consider the person they're trying to communicate with.

Communication is both an art and a science.  I like the presupposition that "the meaning of a communication is the response you get".  Specifically because it puts the onus upon the person initiating it.  It's not enough to simply make "brutally honest" statements with no consideration of how they'll be interpreted.  Everyone interprets things through the lens of their perception with reference to their internal model of the world.  Consequently, if you want them to hear you, you have to take the time to speak to them in a way which they'll understand.

Here's a visual metaphor explaining what I mean.  Imagine whatever you're saying is being constantly twisted into a new shape by the interpretation of your listeners mind.  In order for them to get what you really mean, you have to twist it in the opposite manner so by the time they've kinked it, it comes out roughly the same as what you're trying to say.

Only by knowing them do you know how they twist things by their intepretation - and while it's infeasible to expect you to communicate well with total strangers, the people you know and care about deserve that extra effort.

"Brutally honest" simply means "I'm too focused on what I want to say to care about the listener".

Second - how very fucking boring.  Life is about the subtext, about the things which go unsaid.  Whenever a movie has dialogue which says exactly what a character is thinking or feeling, that's a FAILING not a virtue, because real people aren't like that.  Real people don't blurt out whatever comes into their head, don't reveal their deep inner feelings.  They're complex.  Some people might flatter themselves that they're some kind of honesty saint, but these threads almost always bring out the flattering self-evaluations which have as much basis in reality as Sarah Palin's presidential ambitions.


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RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/13/2011 11:31:38 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		^^ so very true! while i may strive to be a very honest person, i'm not one of those types who says all sorts of stuff in as mean a fashion as possible, to then excuse it by saying "sorry, i'm blunt." =p
communication isn't just about spewing out whatever you have at the top of your head -- communication is about input AND output, transmission and reception. people who rely on "i'm blunt" as cover for bad communication skills drive me batty.


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Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/13/2011 11:43:45 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
people who rely on "i'm blunt" as cover for bad communication skills drive me batty.


I just tend to disregard them. I admire communicators who care that their words and intentions are actually understood correctly, which requires occasionally altering one's words to suit one's audience.  If someone doesn't care enough that they're understood, then they're basically saying they're OK with being misunderstood. And since misunderstandings tend to create confusion and even drama, I don't understand being OK with that, simply to be able to hold a stance of "Well this is how I communicate."

And since I'm not a fan of miscommunication and misunderstanding, I don't give much weight to communicators who apparently are.


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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: What's more important, Honesty or being worried wit... - 6/13/2011 3:24:31 PM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		I think most of the time, there is no right or wrong answers at least in the context of an intimate discussion.  I enjoy trying to understand how and why a person views a particular topic.  I have little interest in proving I'm right or patience with anyone who argues to win.

In a relationship, there is often an honest answer and a correct answer.  I want the honest answer always.  I'm not saying that honesty should be used to hurt someone, which many people intentionally use it to do.  Just that I will do my best to understand my partner's honest answer without anger, hurt, or feelings of rejection, and I will do my best to phase my answer in a way not to be hurtful while being honest.  It's a very tough balance at times.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 30
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