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Experiences of male and female domination - 6/7/2011 5:00:03 PM

VaguelyCurious

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So after all the 'rah rah rah male and female dominance are so unutterably different and never the twain shall meet yadda yadda' ranting, I thought we could maybe share some real life experiences. So this is a part of mine:

I don't really have a word for my relationship with the platonic Mr Curious. He's more than a play partner - but, like I said, platonic. Most of the time I just call him boo. And in a lot of ways he's the closest I've found to my style of dominance in another person, even if our kinks can be different.

When we're together and we're being forceful it's like having four hands and two sets of eyes and an extra (evil) brain. He's right there next to me, and I don't have to look to know what he's doing and when we're really in the zone I don't even have to ask to know what he's thinking. It just flows, whether we're talking about my hand in someone's hair and his at their waist for thirty seconds or something in a dungeon lasting thirty minutes with a crowd watching. He registers in my mind as this warmth next to me or behind me, backing me up when I'm talking and talking while I back him up, and we know just when to step forward together and when to lean in and back someone against a wall and when to look at each other and laugh like we're hiding secrets, and it's the closest I've ever come to sharing a brain with someone.

When we're in that zone it does feel like we're operating with one brain, and that brain is neither male nor female. So whenever someone says that male and female dominance are utterly different and irreconcilable it makes me laugh, because the platonic Mr Curious and I know different, and we know that first-hand.

--

Anyone have any experiences they'd like to share comparing and/or contrasting male and female dominance or submission? (And by 'experience' I do mean experience, not reams of dubious evolutionary psychology.) You might well think differently than me - that the male and female dominants or submissives you've interacted with have been more different than similar. I'd still like to know - this isn't about agreeing with me, it's about discussion based on personal experience rather than theory.

(Although I have a feeling this thread might be kind of short, because I'm not sure how many people here do have direct comparative experience in this area, but hey, at least I'm trying.)

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/7/2011 5:33:44 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I've had experiences like that, co-topping. Super synergy, no gender, no discussion, just action. Yay!

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/7/2011 6:30:02 PM

LaTigresse

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I've no experience but I just KNOW I am going to enjoy reading this thread. Something new and different.....YAY!!!

Thank you VC for creating it.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/7/2011 10:13:43 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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I haven't noticed a lot of difference between male and female subs. I do notice significant variations between people. Looking around at other dominants, I don't notice a huge difference between what I do and what the guys do. We might take different routes to get to the same destination, but I chalk that up to differences in our individual personalities more than to which set of plumbing we possess.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/8/2011 12:17:55 AM

LadyPact

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For topping, I agree with you completely. I've had some great co-topping experiences. Some of which have been so good that I can't even say that I work better with men or women because I can fall into that kind of unspoken rhythm with both genders. In this, I think sadism is a great equalizer. No matter how much or how little of a sadist you are, when you top with the someone who is about the same level that you are, you get similar ideas, so it seems like you're very much in synch during play. Same thing when you're co-topping with someone who reads body language as well as you do. You don't have to openly say that it's time to ease up or push harder because the other person picks up on the same thing that you do, so there isn't a need to say a word.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/8/2011 1:20:47 AM

ExquisiteStings

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I'll add to this. It's way more fun to have a co-top working with you on a single sub or set of subs. You just work off of one another & take your cues from each others actions. Whether the subs are male or female is of no consequence normally, but going it alone with a male sub, when you're a female Domme , just makes you that more vigilant for any stupid ideas he may have. Whereas when you have a Male Dom working with you, the sub will think twice, thrice , or not even consider attempting to top from the bottom. Having a Male Dom with whom to work just brings in a little more security. But hey, that's just my opinion.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/8/2011 1:31:45 AM

BurntKitty

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As a bottom, having been co-topped by two male dominants at one play party, and two female dominants at a different party, I can say there wasn't much difference.
In both instances I had the enjoyment of constant sensations. It was quite fun, almost to the point of "sensory overload".

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/8/2011 10:19:13 AM

SimplyMichael

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I haven't done a lot of co-topping, I have done it a few times with women once with another man. I think the energy and phychological underpinnings of male vs female dominance are very different. Like most things, you can find exceptions but I think they are exactly that.

Years ago I co-topped a man with BossyShoeBitch. Knowing it would be hot for her, I ran my large hands over his body, played with his nipples so she could watch. She was busy grinding the point of her heel into his cock and balls. She likes hot young male submissives but doesn't see them as sexual objects in the same way horny old men look at young female submissives. VERY different energy. However, her and I had an energy that flowed together flawlessly so it is entirely possible for male and female dominants to have a great relationship. Hell, we still have that same bond and we are still dear friends and share that same supportive dynamic.

Women can be so fucking sadistic and bring a joy to it that I don't quite match even if I hurting someone makes my cock hard.

I co-topped a woman of mine with another female top, a VERY sadistic woman I had known for nearly two decades. I can't even watch her play with her submissive as it is just too painful to watch. However, her and I co-top seemlessly with her energy driving mine and mine inspiring her, very fun, very hot. However, she was clearly delighting in the pain she was causing and I was delighting in where I was taking my woman, very different energies.

I have have only co-topped with a man a few times outside of some sort of educational/mentoring sort of play. It was a rape/takedown scene I did with someone who I knew well enough to trust he could run the scene with two men. The rough outline was we were going to take his woman at knifepoint, strip her and get ready to rape and fuck her when he got greedy, played the role of bigger alpha male, turned on me and ran me off at knife point. For him, his entire focus was on her, for me, my focus was on not emasculating him and then on his woman with "me" being way down the list of what was important.

Another hot scene was ages ago, I was fucking the brains out of this hot Domme when I realized her eyes were not locked on mine but were focused on my chest. When I looked down I realized she was watching her heel which was pressed up against my nipple. Always on the lookout for how to make things hotter, I leaned forward and forced my nipple down harder onto her heel and winced. It had the exact effect I wanted and she started bucking with excitement and not wanting to waste the opportunity, I knew exactly what would give her that dose of 151 she so craved and I slipped the heel into my mouth and sucked on the heel of her boot at which point she lost it all in a flurry of orgasmic extasy. Or at least that is how I remember it.

Anyway, I think that broadly speaking, the goals and motives of men and women differ, the secret is using that to your advantage to make it all hotter.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/8/2011 12:52:58 PM

Whiplashsmile4

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Thank you very very very much for giving me an amazing flashback. :-)

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/8/2011 2:04:33 PM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I've had experiences like that, co-topping. Super synergy, no gender, no discussion, just action. Yay!

This, but I suspect that I'm like LH and LP in that respect, fussy with who I play with and top with. If the energy is right it's mind blowing.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/8/2011 10:48:57 PM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Another hot scene was ages ago, I was fucking the brains out of this hot Domme when I realized her eyes were not locked on mine but were focused on my chest. When I looked down I realized she was watching her heel which was pressed up against my nipple. Always on the lookout for how to make things hotter, I leaned forward and forced my nipple down harder onto her heel and winced. It had the exact effect I wanted and she started bucking with excitement and not wanting to waste the opportunity, I knew exactly what would give her that dose of 151 she so craved and I slipped the heel into my mouth and sucked on the heel of her boot at which point she lost it all in a flurry of orgasmic ecstasy. Or at least that is how I remember it.

Hey! Wasn't that me too? LOL

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/9/2011 4:01:11 AM

DesFIP

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What we really need here is a TG who has been dominant before and after to tell us the differences.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/9/2011 5:15:32 AM

VaguelyCurious

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Fr

Sorry I've not been around to reply - I've been utterly exhausted every time I've been near a computer for a couple of days.

A few things:

Sylvere, you've hit on something I've been thinking a lot over the last few days: that the differences within male and female dominance are way greater than the differences between. So maybe it's not that there's no difference in the averages (because I reckon SM's pointed out a few differences in the way men and women can think that I'd maybe agree with) but that there's a massive overlap between the two groups (resulting in the compatibility that we've experienced) and that the spread in each group is way bigger that the difference.

And Lady P, I reckon you're right about sadism being a leveler - something that looks the same from either angle. But in my experiences with the platonic Mr C I'm not just talking about sadism - some of what we do is painful, sure, but a lot of it's about control and force rather than sadomasochism. So for me it's not just sadism.

And DesFIP:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

What we really need here is a TG who has been dominant before and after to tell us the differences.

That's shows so little understanding of what you're talking about that I don't even know where to begin. Ignorance like yours is why people think CM sucks at transgender issues. For a transgender person there is no 'before' and 'after' in terms of their mind and their self - only in their body. So unless you think that dominance comes only from the body that's an unbearably stupid thing to say.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/9/2011 6:35:54 AM

ranja

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i dance both male and female part... my lead is better than some of the men i dance with... how well a couple dances together depends mostly on their ability to feel and understand eachother; there needs to be a certain enjoyment and chemistry for sparks to fly

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RE: I Admit It I........ - 6/9/2011 7:58:59 AM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Another hot scene was ages ago, I was fucking the brains out of this hot Domme when I realized her eyes were not locked on mine but were focused on my chest. When I looked down I realized she was watching her heel which was pressed up against my nipple. Always on the lookout for how to make things hotter, I leaned forward and forced my nipple down harder onto her heel and winced. It had the exact effect I wanted and she started bucking with excitement and not wanting to waste the opportunity, I knew exactly what would give her that dose of 151 she so craved and I slipped the heel into my mouth and sucked on the heel of her boot at which point she lost it all in a flurry of orgasmic ecstasy. Or at least that is how I remember it.

Hey! Wasn't that me too? LOL

You are going to have to refresh my memory here...

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

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RE: I Admit It I........ - 6/9/2011 8:18:04 AM

VaguelyCurious

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From: United Kingdom
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Yes yes, I think she should definitely refresh your memory

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/9/2011 9:50:58 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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From: Hell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Sylvere, you've hit on something I've been thinking a lot over the last few days: that the differences within male and female dominance are way greater than the differences between. So maybe it's not that there's no difference in the averages (because I reckon SM's pointed out a few differences in the way men and women can think that I'd maybe agree with) but that there's a massive overlap between the two groups (resulting in the compatibility that we've experienced) and that the spread in each group is way bigger that the difference.

And Lady P, I reckon you're right about sadism being a leveler - something that looks the same from either angle.

It's been said that there are greater differences between individuals within a group than between groups. I tend to agree with this, based on my own experiences. I also agree with LP when she says sadism levels the playing field. It doesn't just level it between male and female but also between dominant and submissive service top.

My best friend is male but submissive. However, we are both highly sadistic. His girlfriend is a dominant masochist, so he acts as a service top for her on a regular basis. One night, he was showing off some new toys and demonstrating some knife play techniques I hadn't seen. Between the two of us, we put her so far into subspace she had an out-of-body experience. When you find someone with whom you share compatible energy, it doesn't matter if the person is dominant or submissive and service topping. It just works.

quote:

And DesFIP:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

What we really need here is a TG who has been dominant before and after to tell us the differences.

That's shows so little understanding of what you're talking about that I don't even know where to begin. Ignorance like yours is why people think CM sucks at transgender issues. For a transgender person there is no 'before' and 'after' in terms of their mind and their self - only in their body. So unless you think that dominance comes only from the body that's an unbearably stupid thing to say.

Glad you caught this one. It not just unbearably stupid, it's also unforgivably offensive, but I've come to expect that here. Cisgender stupidity and arrogance runs rampant around here but CM isn't special. Cisgenderism and heterocentrism are par for the course in most of the world. That's why I generally avoid threads that deal with LGBTIQ issues. It's too triggering for me and I don't need that drama.

Maybe that's the wrong choice.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/10/2011 6:20:02 AM

xssve

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Well, I think yo need to explore the differences - when it comes to physical factors, male and female are very different, so how you view male vs. female dominance is going to depend on how you weight the physical variable - there are other variables however, and when it comes to psychological dominance, the differences are less easy to distinguish, and may be erased entirely - the brain doesn't have any muscles, and it has no sex organs.

Typically, males in general tend to stress their physical attributes initially, women tend to use emotional manipulation - if anything, I see that being less the case in BDSM than in the general population, i.e., there is a lot more thought being put into the nuances - even in a ritualized form like Gorean, where a lot of weight is placed on the physical variable, and expectations are clearly spelled out.

Perhaps because physical dominance has it's limits - relationships based on continual physical dominance alone often barely qualify as relationships, and they tend to be fairly static, i.e., growth is often the result of interaction, give and take, negotiation, etc. - all of which happens when the physical factor ceases to be a major factor - typically, dominance patterns will tend to diversify - men have often fallen back on financial coercion historically, while emotional manipulation continues not only to work for women, but has historically, often been the only option.

Anyway, not experience, just a disclaimer concerning the other thread, but it does reflect my anecdotal experience, i.e., what I've seen and experienced, most of which reflects average vanilla, not BDSM behavior.

And, I find the politics just get in the way for me - me Tarzan, you Jane, works for me, but Lady H's gender blending synergy is for me, taking it to the next level - it's more like a religious experience, and I like to hit all the levels at one point or other.

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/11/2011 10:55:57 AM

txurinal

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Having served both male and female dominants, it has been my experience that males place more focus on physical domination. Because they are male, they tend to, well basically just hit harder.

Females, again in my experiences, are more verbal. Not that they cannot give one a good whipping but seem to me to talk to you more than males do and tend to belittle you more.

On the few occassions where i served a male/female couple, it was pretty much the same. The male was the one who supplied most of the phyical pain and discipline.

Now being gay and having served both gay and straight male dominants, it seems that both again, concentrate more on the physical domination

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RE: Experiences of male and female domination - 6/11/2011 11:33:13 AM

jbcurious

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From a subby or bottom point of view... that type of synergy between two Doms or Tops is amazing. Long before I even knew what any of this was about I had a threesome that "just kinda happened"

( I know better now) during the play session they didn't speak to me once, rather spoke about me to each other... directing me physically and worked in such perfect harmony together... I was so far out in space they carried me to the shower for some more play... afterwards I was tucked into bed between the 2 of them for movies and popcorn and became "a person" once again. To this day it's one of the best memories of pure sensation and subspace I've ever experienced.

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