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dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 5:41:35 PM

convinceme

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When you get involved into bdsm, does a dommie make you do things in your regular life, or is it more just a sex things..

I am curious but I think I have a lot of questions.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 5:49:03 PM

crouchingtigress

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From: Maui
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If I am the "dommie" in question you bet your red ass I do, power is my kink...I am equally as happy watching the dishes get done as using a paddle...

quote:

ORIGINAL: convinceme

When you get involved into bdsm, does a dommie make you do things in your regular life, or is it more just a sex things..

I am curious but I think I have a lot of questions.

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"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 6:18:35 PM

convinceme

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Thank you! Humbly that is thank you!

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 6:21:45 PM

theRose4U

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It kind of depends on how a boy comes to me. What education level (kink & nilla), how they present themselves, skill set and the like. My last boy pretty much feel into the project category. He had a masters degree in school and was seriously lacking in the common sense and life lessons category (A+ book learning, F- school of hard knocks). He required lessons on public presentation, dress, how to speak intelligently with people as well as all of the service items. Teaching him kink was all part of this but learning what you like when there are a million choices and flavors of kink takes a while. You can't go into 31 flavors and ask for them all and expect to not get sick at some point.
I prefer service orientation (cooking, cleaning, volunteerism) all of these things require learning skills outside the bedroom. For lack of a better explaination this is one of the main things I "get out of it". Most Dommes don't allow sex in the sense you're used to, some do. If you're looking for pure spanky you're more likely to find a match than if you're looking for tie me up and have your way with me. Both options and many in between are able to be located here. Just keep in mind (especially because I know where you live is pretty yuppy nilla) that all choices may not be available in your area.

Check out the links I gave you on the other thread and feel free to contact me with questions on the other side. Not interested in being your Mistress but I can give you some good information to educate yourself and learn what you really want before you get too far into your search.

Edited to add: Stop with the dommie already it sounds too much like mommy & freakin creeps me out.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 5/14/2006 6:22:59 PM >

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 6:23:55 PM

fastlane

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Domination takes on all aspects. I does not have to be TPE, but it also should not just be about sex. I want to have my sub, check in with me. What are you doing? and i will tell you how I want you to do it.
It's not my way or the highway, but it is total communication.
I hope this helps? kevin

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 7:14:57 PM

thetammyjo

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That depends entirely on the people involved.

For most folks who will post to the forums and respond regularlly I'm guessing BDSM is more than just in the bedroom.

But having spoken to classrooms and residence halls, gone to several conventions, and being as out as I am to the general public I'd say most people only do BDSM in the bedroom or on special occasions like once a month or so.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 7:46:17 PM

LadyHugs

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Dear convinceme, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I recommend setting boundries, as not to have the dominant get into your business life, as to cause harm to your job/living.

In your private life, there are many things that can happen in a dominant-submissive relationship. The best advice is "expect the unexpected."

I will say, that I enjoy the little things slaves and submissives do to give me comfort, even if it is to save me a trip to the frige and fetch a cold soda or ice tea. I do appreciate a slave who takes it on his own to, mop the floor, clean the bathroom, tidy up the living room and or any room.
I also enjoy a slave kneeling at my feet and nuzzle me with his cheek on my feet, thigh or hands. I appreciate the joy he/she gives in small measure and great measure. Just as much as I appreciate access to a slave/submissive's body to caress, to explore, to discover and to tease and torment.

It is not all about sex. It is all about the joy found in the relationship and feeling free to be yourselves.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 8:01:32 PM

ladylexington

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Dommes have many approaches. For me, a sub must prove a willingness to serve before sex becomes an element in our relationship. The best kink requires trust and a level of intimacy. Without a connection, the play can be flat and lifeless. I've found that learning the sub before sex is much more fulfilling for both of us.

However, I always respect the sub's work and family life. Be wary of a dominant whose commands threaten your career or other relationships, especially if the dominant seeks that level of control soon after meeting you.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/14/2006 9:56:52 PM

LoneGoddess

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Yes, I'd really take heed of those who take over your email accounts (I find this insane and incredibly insecure behavior abhorrant) and limit your access to your support networks (friends and family) as this isn't a positive sign that you have a Domme who cares about your well being, but a control freak. Keep reading, keep learning and above all keep asking us questions.

~LG

< Message edited by LoneGoddess -- 5/14/2006 10:02:27 PM >

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/15/2006 4:12:34 AM

openmindedslave

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I know one Mistress who , by all acounts, may sound like a fantasy to many subs... but I would rethink the fantasy.
Her desire to find a slave. not sub, to dominate 24/7 . Meaning you will give up total control. This includes you will live in her place. You will be in chasity 24/7. You will prepare all meals and do the choires neccessary for the establishment of the home. You also must give up the right to your pay checks as the money you earn will be managed by her, as will owner ship of yourcar and anything else of value. You will sign a meanless slave contract to what can happen to you if you don't meet with her approval. You can assume, it means that she will get rid of you quicker than you can leave yourself. Meaning if you leave , it may not be in the car or clothing on your back or having money in your pocket.. Mentally you will be on a level as property. Your friends will be hers .And your family will occassionally be able to contact you.
Does that sound like there is a seperation of your private life and the domination?

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/15/2006 5:25:08 AM

convinceme

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Thank you, I understand exactly what you mean.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/15/2006 6:18:37 AM

LadyMorgynn

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If you are in 24/7, it can encompass your entire vanilla life, to a lesser or greater extent. Some Domme's may, for instance, not have you work at all. Some may have you work and you keep control of your paycheck, home, auto, etc. Some others will have you sign over everything, and I do mean everything. The extent to which she controls your life is a matter of negotation between you and your Mistress.

If you are a submissive and like to meet your Mistress or play with various Mistresses occasionally, etc., then that's all you do, and it doesn't (necessarily) encompass any more of your vanilla life than play time. But that,too, is a matter of negotation and what you and your Mistress want. Everyone is different.

And, by the way, BDSM is not necessarily about sex at all, and not everyone is into the sex. Indeed, there are many whose kink is chastity.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/15/2006 6:52:00 AM

LaTigresse

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While I am personally against taking anyone away from their family, friends and whatever financial security they already possess, I do wish the relationship to become a part of my life not just a part-time hobby. Occasional play holds no appeal for me. Also, while I will never bash sex, it is only a small part of that relationship and to me, cannot be the main focus.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/15/2006 11:23:52 AM

LadyMorgynn

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I absolutely agree. To me, to isolate someone so completely from family and friends, work, etc., is nothing short of criminally irresponsible. After all, we can't know we won't be hit by a bus tomorrow, and what is the slave to do then? I consider, as a Domina, that I am responsible for overseeing my slave's *overall* well-being. And that includes healthy relationships (as much as possible, at least) with his family and friends, his performance and interpersonal relations at work, etc. I don't expect My slave to exist in a vacuum, nor to be so dependent on Me that, should anything happen to Me, he would be helpless to function or cope on his own. I know some people are into that, but again, it seems irresponsible to me. Without, of course, meaning to slam anyone. It's just how I view it, and welcome other viewpoints if someone would like to explain.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
While I am personally against taking anyone away from their family, friends and whatever financial security they already possess, I do wish the relationship to become a part of my life not just a part-time hobby. Occasional play holds no appeal for me. Also, while I will never bash sex, it is only a small part of that relationship and to me, cannot be the main focus.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/15/2006 3:16:02 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

I know one Mistress who , by all acounts, may sound like a fantasy to many subs... but I would rethink the fantasy.
Her desire to find a slave. not sub, to dominate 24/7 . Meaning you will give up total control. This includes you will live in her place. You will be in chasity 24/7. You will prepare all meals and do the choires neccessary for the establishment of the home. You also must give up the right to your pay checks as the money you earn will be managed by her, as will owner ship of yourcar and anything else of value. You will sign a meanless slave contract to what can happen to you if you don't meet with her approval. You can assume, it means that she will get rid of you quicker than you can leave yourself. Meaning if you leave , it may not be in the car or clothing on your back or having money in your pocket.. Mentally you will be on a level as property. Your friends will be hers .And your family will occassionally be able to contact you.
Does that sound like there is a seperation of your private life and the domination?

I'm just curious how many that require you to turn over everything exsist in real life outside pro & erotica realms? Can't say that I've met one that requires signing over house, car paychecks in total in the beginning. but then maybe I just believe in consent & free will.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/16/2006 9:53:17 AM

convinceme

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Yeap, I believe that is too extreme for me.. I just would like to find a beautful woman I could love, have an intimate relationship with, and if she choose for her pleasure to spank me once in awhile that would be cool. But not totally dominating me, I don't think I am the type.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/16/2006 6:00:32 PM

openmindedslave

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It is extreme....but there are some out here that want total control over another. The one i was talking about had a husband who left her for another man ( yes he discovered he was gay after having a wife and children) For her, she does not want another man in her life who has any form of power over her..

I also remmeber reading about a prodom in California who found a special slave in her trade that was willing to give up control of his life to her.At the end, she had been given just about everything he had . In return he got to live the fantsy of living in a cage and being a piece of property...at least until either the money ran out or she didn't need him any longer..

Just remember, the old term a sucker is born every minute..It may be cruel. But men and woman have been known to give so much in the name of friendship, in the name of family and yes, in the name of love..

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/16/2006 6:07:47 PM

DiannaVesta

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I hate that word dommie and domme.

I think things need to stay in perspective. It’s a relationship and it is defined by two people. Sure, one person is in control but it also needs to be consensual. Intelligent decisions need to be made by both parties. Even if your desire is to relinquish all control then you still need to discuss the parameters of what that means and if there are any limits and so forth. Too many people lose sight of reality when it comes to fantasy.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/16/2006 6:27:09 PM

openmindedslave

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Sometimes fantasy is what brings people together...but facing reality is what keeps them together..Its those who can't accept reality when it rises up.

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RE: dominating vs your private life - 5/16/2006 6:30:54 PM

Najakcharmer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: convinceme

Yeap, I believe that is too extreme for me.. I just would like to find a beautful woman I could love, have an intimate relationship with, and if she choose for her pleasure to spank me once in awhile that would be cool. But not totally dominating me, I don't think I am the type.

But see, if you want to be a REAL TRUE SUBMISSIVE, you have to be chained to the dungeon wall and flogged 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. And branded. On the forehead. And sign over all of your money and property. On your very first meeting with your prospective REAL TRUE DOMINANT. All of your base are belong to us.

Oh wait, that's kind of silly.

If you're pretty sure that you know what you want in a kinky relationship, what you need to do is to clearly nd realistically communicate your expectations and your limits to a prospective partner. There is absolutely no problem with different people having different needs and expectations in a kinky relationship. Some people (like me) really do want to have something closer to a 24/7 relationship where there are almost always some elements of D/s and control present in the relationship dynamics. Other people (like you) want a fairly vanilla relationship where you occasionally do some kinky spanking play, but otherwise are equals outside the bedroom. No one's desires are intrinsically better or more correct than anyone else's. Different people want different things, and that's okay.

What isn't okay is when there is a mismatch of expectations. What you need to do to prevent this mismatch is to know, realistically, what you want and what you can live with on a day to day basis in real life. Then you need to communicate this clearly and honestly to a prospective partner to make sure you are both on the same page. As Jay Wiseman says, "When one partner is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding a whip, now is not the time to have a mismatch of expectations." Know yourself, communicate and negotiate before you get yourself into a BDSM relationship. Sounds like you're already on the right path to doing just that, so good luck to you!

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