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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/14/2011 12:07:43 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Marriage counseling, and no playing with others while you're doing it. This goes for both of you.

As to whether or not you want to stay married to a person you still like as a friend, while finding a love and sex interest elsewhere, that's up to you. If you both can do this without any heartbreak, then I would recommend it.

However first you have to deal with the issues that are preventing both of you from being happy together.

Why has he lost interest in you? Have you gained weight and he finds that unattractive? He's allowed to be turned off when not with a woman who fits his preferences. Do you folks have long term arguments that have not been resolved? Resentments that simmer underneath but neither is bringing up? Deal with them first.

But if he isn't willing to do the hard work to save your marriage, then it's already dead in the water. Opening it won't save it, it will just kill if off faster.

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/14/2011 12:37:14 PM

sexyred1

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OP, you are married, so this is a bigger issue than finding an new Dom. You need to decide if you marriage can be saved.

Personally, if someone did not want to have sex with ME and wanted it with someone else, I would throw him out so fast his head would spin.

That is total bullshit. I could see if he lost his sex drive totally, but he only seems to have lost it with you.

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/14/2011 2:39:06 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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You've already read everyone's advice to either talk to your husband and straighten things out or end the relationship.

Here's the main problem though, as I see it. While DS is right that what is different is that your husband is open about it, the issue is that you have not only tolerated it, but implicitely approved of this behavior from him since the beginning.

quote:

To be honest he sends messages out to other women all the time but its never bothered me because i just thought it would come to nothing anyway but now it has.

Why would you think nothing would ever come of it? Did you think no other woman would want him? You did, so someone else will.

You say nothing of what each of your expectations were from the beginning, but it seems that whether it was discussed or not, you certainly never thought it through. If you wanted and expected a monogamous relationship from the beginning, you should have said something the first time he sent a message to someone else. I get the feeling that you were together for a while prior to marriage, so why marry him? At your age, you surely couldn't have believed that marriage was going to stop the wandering.

Now you are in this mess that you have created for yourself. I'm not trying to be mean, but this IS a mess of your own making. You accepted that he message other women all along, now he is taking it further. The next time you talk to him and he says he has no interest in sex anymore, ask him point blank why then he has an interest in her. Tell him you have come to find it intolerable and that he either stops or goes to her. That's right, HE leaves. I'm not one of those "pack your shit" and go people. I'm one of those "get the fuck out of MY house" people.

You see, the two of you do have a legal contract, it's called a MARRIAGE LICENSE. That means you have recourse. Don't do it in anger, that isn't what I'm saying. I'm saying that when the two of you got married, you created a legal contract that would seem to be being broken now by him. Let him know and do something about it.

Looking to scratch your itch the same way he is scratching his isn't going to make you feel any better and is only going to make the situation worse. You're both grown ups, sit down and discuss where you both go from here.

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/15/2011 9:43:50 PM

cookiecrumble

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Joined: 6/13/2011
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Thank you for your advice. I have now spoken to him and told him it is over between us. The problem is that even if he ended things with her i will always know that it wasnt me that he wanted. I cant stay in the relationship with that knowledge. Its time to move on. At the moment i feel like im grieving but i think the advice to move on, take the pain and give myself time to heal was the right one. That is precisely what i shall do. Thank you again for all your advice. cookie

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/16/2011 6:17:41 AM

poise

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I wish you much happiness in your future.

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/16/2011 7:48:32 AM

Iamsemisweet

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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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Lawyer up

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/16/2011 7:55:04 AM

LillyBoPeep

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good luck in the future, cookiecrumble

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/16/2011 2:36:54 PM

Hisprettybaby

Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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Cookiecrumble,

I don't think it's a case of him losing his sex drive TOTALLY. He's just lost it with YOU. I would have a second "talk" with him and lay it on the line as you see it. However, I would say you are getting dumped in the middle of his New Relationship Energy with her. I'd check out your options if I were you.

~Hisprettybaby~

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/16/2011 3:25:31 PM

Tristan

Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
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Sorry to hear of your separation. In the future, watch out for a partner who has interests in others without involving you. Yeah, I know that there are many poly people out there who say they can be sexually or emotionally involved with multiple partners. Maybe that's true for some, but I think it's mostly not. When your partner has an interest in others, and he or she is not involving you emotionally in the relationship...watch out. I doubt your relationship will end well.

If you have a future partner that starts to become emotionally attached so someone else, you might want to consider doing the same if he has no interest in discussion or changing to meet your needs. What's the worse that can happen...maybe you will find someone new. The alternative is this might force your partner to be a partner.

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RE: Should i find a new Dom/Domme? - 6/19/2011 5:45:10 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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Joined: 6/27/2010
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I wish you all the best of luck in your future Cookie. I found myself in a close situation to yours and she did move in. To my apartment as a matter of fact. I was no longer allowed to sleep in *my* bed, that was for the 2 of them. I drove myself to the brink of insanity within 2 months. They left me for each other, then about 6 months down the road, they'd moved clear across the country and he left her for someone else. As far as I'm confirmed Karma's a bitch and what goes around comes around.

You've made the right decision not to stay with him. It's not worth your sanity, the anger that accompanies it or the feeling of inadequacy thinking you're not enough for him. This is his problem, not yours. Do not blame yourself for this, see a professional if you need to, talk to a close friend. Don't keep it all in, that just builds up on the resentment even more.

Take it from someone who's been there, done that, wore the T-shirt to shreds more than once. Do the grieving you need to do, then find happiness within yourself before going ahead into another relationship. You need to be happy with *you* before you can be happy with someone else.

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