quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444
The guys that I sort of got into online with, and started to form some picture of them, and especially if i had any expectaions, those meetings I usually came away from disappointed.

So I try really hard now to be neutral about someone online and my only expectation is that we will have something to talk about to each other.

I dont do coffee meetings anymore tho, if i meet someone we would have to do something more than that, even if its just going for a walk.

But I have to say, meeting for an hour or two is very different than meeting someone for a whole weekend, imo, the more time you have with someone, the more you can see them as they are and the more of a bond you develop. My grip about coffee/short meetings is sometimes it takes a few dates to develop "chemistry" (for lack of a better word). I dont really trust the love-at-first-sight thing, there has to be more there to create something very long lasting (or it just becomes a hot fling).

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

But when you look at it from a broader point of view than in the other thread, aren't we all proving ourselves to those around us?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

You and a few others as I see it have their heads, not in the sky among the clouds nor stuck in the sand but right where they should be..firmly planted on your capable shoulders with feet placed forward making wise steps.

quote:


Naive? Not in the slightest. You grasp for and reach the greater good IMHO.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

LOL well now I gotta go run errands and be productive or I'll prove to him how lazy I really am....and we can't have that! 

(I actually keep telling him I am, but he looks around and doesn't believe it).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Not true DesFIP. My Ex had & still has some major trust issues regarding men, I had to earn her trust. Over the last 20 years of marriage, divorce, schizophrenia, and heavy drinking, I have given her plenty off little opportunities to decide I wasn't worthy of her trust if she was looking for an excuse, but obviously she wasn't. Once I had proved myself trustworthy in her eyes, it would have taken a major breach of that trust to have her revoke it. The few men she decides to really trust, she trusts fiercely. 

She trusts me completely. I have a key to her house, I know the PIN to all her bank cards, I know where she keeps her stash of emergency cash, I have my own room at her house so I can stay the night when its more convenient for me (I don't need to ask), she asks my opinion of the various men she dates, she asks my opinion for all her major life decisions.

Sometimes a person who starts out with negative expectations really does want to be wrong.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
i agree with you here about expectations; sometimes i form them and they let me down, other times i form them, and they could've taken me away from something that was really good.
so i also try to stay neutral on people i've met, just to see where it all goes.
for me, relationships generally go in an "i know it when i feel it" sorta way.


ANYWAY, as far as "proving" goes, i agree with DesFIP that the risk of thinking about "proof" is that you've already judged someone as needing to prove themselves to you in the first place. (And I think NuevaVida's break down is pretty spot on, if you ask me.) And when someone tires of jumping through hoops, they throw up their hands and wander away, and the person who demanded the proof sits there and says "see?! i KNEW i was right about you! you're no good!" well no, they might've been a great person (and the fact that they tried for a time shows that they were more good than bad), but they weren't a saint, or super-human.
sometimes those who are constantly demanding proof live in atangle of self-fulfilling prophecies.

for me, i associate with people i feel something from. i don't meet someone and expect him to prove how good he is to me, i expect him to be himself, and if i feel anything there, then i feel it. "good" is subjective for the most part. someone may be a great for me and be horrible for someone else.

quote:

I value their opinion but I make my choices.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444
I have stayed away from using the word "prove". I dont like using it since i am not out to prove anything to anyone, I am the way I am (good and bad) and people have the choice to deal with me or not. I take no offense if they pass me by. I just want to see others as they really & truly are (both the good and bad), not as they think I want them to be.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

That is why a guy's blank profile urks me, cuz he wont tell me honestly and upfront what he's into and not into. It makes me think he wants to hear what I am into first so he can say he is into the same things, even tho in reality might be the furthest thing from the truth. In other words he wants to lie to me which will only lead to problems at some point should we start dating. And sometimes something I consider "bad" is just something I am not into but other women more compatible with him are.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

I simply prefer to use other words and descriptors because of the connotations that word has to me.

That's why I asked what word you would prefer to use. In the date context you use "sparked" an interest. I have no problem with that word in that context, it doesn't apply for trustworthiness, or Domliness, but I still maintain that we are using different words to describe the same process.

The process whereby we determine if a person is somebody we wish to be friends with, or in a romantic relationship with, or business partners with...whatever the context of the interaction. We do judge (or determine or "find out", or "see")  based on the person's words and behaviour if that person is a fit for whatever sort of relationship they are a potential for.

How many times on these boards do we see the advice "Meet face to face and see if there is actually anything there, see if you click". It is this "seeing" that is being referred to in the OP (well, at least that's what I think is being referred to).

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I remember telling the Mister about my "Cinderella theory" - that you really can't get a good feel for the true nature of someone until about 4-6 months.  People can't uphold a facade much longer than that (putting on their best face, etc.) and eventually the real man/woman will come through.  I said "People tend to turn into pumpkins in about 4-6 months." 

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

To littlewonder & NuevaVida
Then what word would you use to express the concept I'm expressing?

I don't know but for me I like the word synchronicity. For me there is no trying, no proving, no working at it, no looking at the person and hoping or thinking or wanting...it is either there or it isn't. It either happens all on its own, naturally, organically or not at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

Yes, it does take some time to see the real person, fer sure. But I do find that you get some red flags (or green flags) all along, you just need to be perceptive enough to see them and not willfully blind. Those glimpses can show the bad side or the good side, depending on the person.